NC parents asking to meet DD - please advise.

[MillieH30]

By way of background, I have been NC with my parents for 8 years. After years of manipulation and emotional abuse from my M (can't bring myself to put "D" in front), they told me not to contact them any more.

The reasons being that I refused to lie for them in court or keep working in the family business (I was doing it unpaid to line their pockets) on top of my demanding day job. I had suspected for a long time that my M saw me as little more than a resource to be exploited and her demands were becoming increasingly irrational and unbearable. I was self harming as a way of trying to regain some control over my life.

When they shut me out, the hurt was overwhelming, as despite everything, I loved my parents. I though I was at fault as I couldn't make them love me however hard I tried. But with time I have realized that my life is happier, more contended and fulfilled without them. The downside is that they ostracized and punished any family member who has continued to speak to me, only re-establishing contact with my uncle last year.

2 years ago I had a DD. My parents have taken no interest and have not met her. However they have now communicated via my uncle that they wish to meet her. He has suggested that he takes her to a local coffee shop for half an hour to meet them. DD would be fine with this as she loves him and he has taken her out by himself before.

I am completely torn. On the one hand, she is too young to be manipulated by them and one meeting couldn't do her any harm. They are also now in their 70s and I dont know if I would feel guilty later on by depriving them of contact with their only grandchild. She will also obviously ask about her grandparents at some point and I don't want them to cause a rift later on by telling her that they were desperate to see her and I prevented it. On the other hand, I believe that my parents are toxic and don't want them back in my life. Any wise words of advice would be very gratefully received.

Who would you feel guilty towards? Your parents? The people who abused their own daughter and then had the cheek to cut her off and tell her not contact them again?

Do you feel you owe them something? Don't you feel they owe you at the very least a sincere apology and a vow to change their ways? never gonna happen obviously

They have not tried to repair the damage or apologise to you, their own daughter, for what they have done. They told you not to contact them again. Now, they want you to just do what they say and hand your daughter over. She is theirs, their grandchild, their prize, and they think they have rights to her. She is not a prize or a peace-offering, she is a person and she needs protecting from this toxic branch of the family. She has a right not to be used in this way, either by them to get at you, or by you to assuage your guilt but I still don't understand the guilt towards these absolute monsters

This savage battleground is yours and your parents' and none of that has been resolved. So why would you let your DD become involved?

Stick to your guns and be brave. If it is not in your interests, or your DD's, then don't do it. You would be inviting a whole lot of trouble into your and your DD's lives.

If this guilt is overwhelming you and you decide to entertain the thought then, the only way this could work and it wouldn't would be if you stated that they must first make a serious attempt to repair some of the damage they have done to their granddaughter's mother. If they have turned themselves into the sorts of people who would be suitable grandparents, and they have their DGD's best interests at heart, then surely they would think it important to build bridges with their DD, mother of their DGD. Only after their serious attempt would you consider them having any sort of relationship with your DD.

I am sure the very thought of that scenario fills you with horror, dread, or even just the realisation that of course they wouldn't take responsibility. If they won't make a decent stab at admitting to and trying to repair the damage they have done, then it is not possible to let them have access to your DD. They are best kept away.

Keep protecting your daughter and the fabric of your little family.

OP can you examine your motives for the for and against? It may help you see what the right decision is for you. I say this because you almost sound as though you would be relieved if your parents lost interest in the idea. If you are relieved, rather than, say, disappointed at the lost opportunity, it may be that whats pushing you to say yes is the fear of standing up to your parents.
From your OP you have stood up to them about some very significant things, but not on whether to be NC initially as that was their decision.

OP, of course their approach has stirred up all the 'if only's and 'what might have been' and the imagined possibilities of a lovely relationship. If they really cared they would have started slowly , with humility and honesty, apologised to you , expressed regret and love.

If they get to know your XD Ll they will do is vilify you, in covert or less covert ways, as they did to your MIL. And all you will be doing is introducing emotional dismofort into your DD's life, passing on an obligation of loyalty to ger GPs, guilt, baggage... How is she supposed to relate to people her own mother cannot talk to and to whom she has to be ferried by a third party, like a hostage ? Nothing of what has gone wrong can be made good by offering up your Dd in this way.

Look forwards and build your Dd a happy family life with people who are honest and generous and properly loving, and be proud and confident in your ability to do that.

OP - I never knew one of my Gfathers, he died in the war. My Gmother lived in a different country. The other GPs we saw maybe one a year. My mum is one of 9 siblings; I met 3 aunts, and one uncle - again, maybe once a year. less as we got older. Dad is one of 6 - I've never met most of them. I have umpteen cousins, I've met 2. (again, different country)

i have never berated mum or dad about this - I have never questioned that I should have access to the wider family. i just didn't.

My own dc have 2 grandmothers and no grandfathers (NC with my father, H's father not on the scene) and they have never asked, or requested, to see my father. They see the grandmothers infrequently. Again - what they don't have,they don't miss.

It is possible, and sometimes desirable, to have your little family.