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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

NC parents asking to meet DD - please advise.

104 replies

MillieH30 · 15/01/2015 15:49

By way of background, I have been NC with my parents for 8 years. After years of manipulation and emotional abuse from my M (can't bring myself to put "D" in front), they told me not to contact them any more.

The reasons being that I refused to lie for them in court or keep working in the family business (I was doing it unpaid to line their pockets) on top of my demanding day job. I had suspected for a long time that my M saw me as little more than a resource to be exploited and her demands were becoming increasingly irrational and unbearable. I was self harming as a way of trying to regain some control over my life.

When they shut me out, the hurt was overwhelming, as despite everything, I loved my parents. I though I was at fault as I couldn't make them love me however hard I tried. But with time I have realized that my life is happier, more contended and fulfilled without them. The downside is that they ostracized and punished any family member who has continued to speak to me, only re-establishing contact with my uncle last year.

2 years ago I had a DD. My parents have taken no interest and have not met her. However they have now communicated via my uncle that they wish to meet her. He has suggested that he takes her to a local coffee shop for half an hour to meet them. DD would be fine with this as she loves him and he has taken her out by himself before.

I am completely torn. On the one hand, she is too young to be manipulated by them and one meeting couldn't do her any harm. They are also now in their 70s and I dont know if I would feel guilty later on by depriving them of contact with their only grandchild. She will also obviously ask about her grandparents at some point and I don't want them to cause a rift later on by telling her that they were desperate to see her and I prevented it. On the other hand, I believe that my parents are toxic and don't want them back in my life. Any wise words of advice would be very gratefully received.

OP posts:
TarkaTheOtter · 15/01/2015 17:37

No. If they want to meet her they have to be on (at the very least) speaking terms with you.

And I agree with the other posters who suggest you should be cautious about your uncle arranging the meeting anyway.

cardamomginger · 15/01/2015 17:38

No.

I was NC with my mother for several months before she died (unexpectedly). I didn't have DD then, so the question never arose. But there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that were I still NC with her (and I fully believe I still would be were she alive today), I would not let her anywhere near DD.

cardamomginger · 15/01/2015 17:39

And I'd keep a close eye on your Uncle. If you decide the answer is no, will he respect your decision?

SameThing · 15/01/2015 17:49

No. Please just no. For both your sakes.

So sorry they were awful to you, OP.

BMW6 · 15/01/2015 19:37

Christ, NO I beg you OP. Leopards do not change their spots.

DeliciousMonster · 15/01/2015 19:59

So, in summing up. That would be a 'no' then.

Meerka · 15/01/2015 20:15

Possibly a No resounding from lands end to john o'groats there, delicious. Maybe even echoing from the Shetlands.

uglyswan · 15/01/2015 20:30

Another no from the continent here, OP. You are definitely not the one "depriving them of contact with their only grandchild". They did that by the way they behaved and continue to behave towards you, their daughter.

RoastitBubblyJocks · 15/01/2015 20:48

So that's pretty unanimous then, OP.

Mumsnet hath spoken!

Original poster
MillieH30 · 15/01/2015 21:01

Thank you everyone for your responses - I really appreciate it. I should have said in my OP however that my parents initially said they wanted to see me with DD, but that is not an option as I cannot bring myself to see them. Therefore the only question is whether I let them meet DD. Does that put a different perspective on things? Sorry to drip feed.

In answer to a couple of questions:

My DH wont see my parents. My M sent a letter to DH's mother (who she's never met) days after his DF had died, ostensibly offering condolences but in fact playing the victim and blaming my DH for the fact that we're NC. The letter was a paragraph on DH's father and 3 pages vilifying my DH and me. My DH was very hurt and upset and does not want to see my parents himself. He has however said it is my decision whether they see DD and he will support whatever I decide.

I trust my uncle absolutely. Both he and his wife have been incredibly supportive.

TheylearntfromBrian - your conversation 10 years on has give me something to think about. It is exactly what my M would do. Thank you for the perspective.

OP posts:
Meerka · 15/01/2015 21:07

what you say does make a difference. It moves the marker from Do Not Let Them See Her to Really Don't Let Them See Her.

Look, your instincts are to avoid them. Your husband's are to avoid them. Your husband's parents probably don't like her at all either. your mother certainly dont seem to have changed, do they?

Just No. And make it very, very clear to your uncle and aunt that they shouldn't let your mother and your daughter coincide.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/01/2015 21:08

Rarely do I see MN speak as one voice.

No no and no again, do not ever let them meet your DD under ANY circumstances. It does not change anything, I had assumed in any case they would want to see your child without you being present anyway.

The best thing you can do for your DD here is to protect her from your toxic parents. They were and remain toxic to you; they will act in a very similar manner going forward to your child. They are not good grandparent role models.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/01/2015 21:11

"And make it very, very clear to your uncle and aunt that they shouldn't let your mother and your daughter coincide"

And the above comment too made by Meerka, in triplicate.

thewomaninwhite · 15/01/2015 21:12

I would not even consider it. I agree with Meerka. Hell would freeze over first.

Nanny0gg · 15/01/2015 21:15

I see no benefit to your DD. I see potential harm to your DD.

There is no reason, none for this meeting to take place.

Don't do it.

MaryWestmacott · 15/01/2015 21:18

NannyOgg is right, no benefit to DD, only potential harm.

Sod what they want, if they wanted to be the doting grandparents, they needed to be decent parents first.

You wont regret it when they are dead if you dont, you might regret it a lot sooner if you do.

NancyDroop · 15/01/2015 22:00

TheylearntfromBrian's comment really resonated with me too as well as the poster who spoke of her 5 year old son being hurt.

I think contact with these toxic people will be very detrimental to your DD. She will either be hurt or become hurtful herself. Probably both!

VivaLeBeaver · 15/01/2015 22:11

No. Because the contact builds up. A few meetings, then they're taking her out for the day then staying overnight. Then they're slagging you off to dd but dd loves her grandparents so you feel you can't break away again.

My mother is toxic and Im not strong enough to go NC. She is nasty about me and dh to dd which upsets dd. She slags me off, calls me fat, called DH a bumlicker.....all behind our backs but to dd. Denied most of it when confronted and basically called dd a liar or a fantasist. Tells her friends that dd would be better off in care, etc.

Why risk shit like that?

Corygal · 15/01/2015 22:11

No. Bloody cheek of them to ask, which is typical of the grabby users they are.

Aussiebean · 15/01/2015 22:12

If you have been NC for so long. How do your parents know so much about your life?

They shouldn't know how to contact your DH parents at all let alone that you have had a child. ESP as they have never met your husband.

I would have a good look at how they are getting that information and close it ASAP.

I agree with everyone. Keep your child away from them and I would seriously question you uncles support. A lot of the time the winged monkeys don't realise they are being played.

NancyDroop · 15/01/2015 22:21

Sorry to hear of your troubles Viva

Norland · 15/01/2015 22:29

Grandchildren are 'immortality' for lots of peeps, could be that's why they want to see your daughter.

Perhaps you could get your uncle to have them make a video message for your daughter (and you) which you could then watch and decide if you'd like a) your daughter to see it b) your daughter to see it with you.

Chance for the grandparents to say to their grandchild the things they want to say, which if you deemed it acceptable, could then happen face-to-face?

Italiangreyhound · 15/01/2015 22:29

No. I cannot see any good to come of it. They have not got in touch and said they have changed etc, which may or may not be true. They have just asked to see her. What if after one meeting they want another, or another?

There is no benefit I can see to your dd and she is your primary concern, and also you are your own concern and this is a stress you do not need.

Good luck in being strong.

PasstheDaimbars · 16/01/2015 12:49

Nope, still NOOOOOOOOO

Miggsie · 16/01/2015 12:57

I had toxic grandparents.
My mother desperately wanted to stop seeing them - my ultra passive dad never would stand up to his mother.

My brother and are now middle aged and we still shudder when we talk of granny.

It also ended up causing a huge rift between my parents.

don't let a young child get f*cked over by toxic people with years of experience on how to manipulate and hurt people.