NC parents asking to meet DD - please advise.

[MillieH30]

By way of background, I have been NC with my parents for 8 years. After years of manipulation and emotional abuse from my M (can't bring myself to put "D" in front), they told me not to contact them any more.

The reasons being that I refused to lie for them in court or keep working in the family business (I was doing it unpaid to line their pockets) on top of my demanding day job. I had suspected for a long time that my M saw me as little more than a resource to be exploited and her demands were becoming increasingly irrational and unbearable. I was self harming as a way of trying to regain some control over my life.

When they shut me out, the hurt was overwhelming, as despite everything, I loved my parents. I though I was at fault as I couldn't make them love me however hard I tried. But with time I have realized that my life is happier, more contended and fulfilled without them. The downside is that they ostracized and punished any family member who has continued to speak to me, only re-establishing contact with my uncle last year.

2 years ago I had a DD. My parents have taken no interest and have not met her. However they have now communicated via my uncle that they wish to meet her. He has suggested that he takes her to a local coffee shop for half an hour to meet them. DD would be fine with this as she loves him and he has taken her out by himself before.

I am completely torn. On the one hand, she is too young to be manipulated by them and one meeting couldn't do her any harm. They are also now in their 70s and I dont know if I would feel guilty later on by depriving them of contact with their only grandchild. She will also obviously ask about her grandparents at some point and I don't want them to cause a rift later on by telling her that they were desperate to see her and I prevented it. On the other hand, I believe that my parents are toxic and don't want them back in my life. Any wise words of advice would be very gratefully received.

No. There are consequences to behaving as your parents have done. They could feed poison into your child's ears for another 10+ yrs.

You must be very firm with your uncle that if he goes against your wishes, and introduces her to her grandparents even by "accident" that he will not be permitted to take her out by himself again.

If your parents wish to reconcile with you, and you wish to see them again, that's different. Otherwise they will need to wait until DD is 12 and the situation can be explained to her.

It's one thing to encourage a relationship with people you trust with her welfare, but you clearly believe that they cannot be trusted not to say something inappropriate to her.

Nope.

I made that mistake.

NC with my DM for years. She wanted to see her grandchildren. I conceded. She saw them rarely and when she did she was lovely to them. At first.

As soon as the eldest started having his own opinions and challenged her behaviour towards me, she turned on him. He was 5.

It was just one tiny little snide comment but I knew then that I had been a fool. He was hurt and confused.

I had fallen back into tolerating her shit. I thought I hadn't but old habits die hard, I was walking on eggshells when she was here. It was so obvious that a 5yo could not only see it but know that it was wrong.

She doesn't see them now. Tough. My dc are more important than her feelings.

Btw, I didn't trust her to see the dc without me there. No way in heaven I'd have let a winged monkey take them to see her.

Funny how it's still all about them and what they want. No suggestion of an apology for all the bullying and ostracising behaviour. Not even a feeble attempt at an olive branch. Just a cynical back door manoeuvre to get access to something they regard as 'theirs'...

I don't think your DD is ever going to reproach you for keeping these dodgy people out of her life. BTW... I would also take your uncle to task for agreeing to act as middle man and tell him, very clearly, that his interference is not appreciated.

It totally reeks of toxicity that your uncle has just suggested taking your DD to meet them alone. I think he is very much in their FOG. Sorry to say but I would be very careful about trusting him if he is currently being manipulated by your M.

Maybe no trips out together until the situation calms? Do you know he hasn't met them with DD already and this would just be the first official meeting because she is old enough to talk about it?

Sorry to be so untrusting. Not much surprises me with narcs anymore

If they are too toxic to be part of your life then they are too toxic to be in a child's life.

I'm afraid I agree with NancyDroop. It's just too neat that he's the only family member they haven't ostracised and he's the one suggesting the meet-up. I would not be at all surprised if he's been a snake in the grass for some time.....

Don't do it. They'll reel you back in.

No, no and no again to your DD having any contact with your parents. You are no contact with these people for bloody good reason and it is down to you to protect your child from such malign influences.

Toxic people like your parents make for being toxic grandparent figures as well and it is most telling that they have enlisted the services of a "winged monkey" (your uncle also has his own reasons for doing their dirty work for them, he is truly a weak character) to help them in this. These people have not changed and I would tell your uncle now to back off completely as well. He does not get to see your child.

Most of all, do not operate from a fearful mindset. Don't be afraid of your children's possible, or actual, reactions. Don't be afraid that you are depriving them of something important by cutting off a set of grandparents. You are only "depriving" them of bad things. Reassure yourself with that truth. Family is not everything. Blood is not binding. You are escaping the Mob Family. What should connect us is how we treat each other with love and respect. This is always a good lesson to teach our little ones. If any part of you is unsure of your decision then, for Pete's sake, don't show it. Your resoluteness will go a long way toward reassuring your children that you are acting in everyone's best interest. If your children know that you love them, they are going to feel reassured that this decision is also based in your love for them. They will find an added sense of security to know that you, as their parent, are willing to protect them even at the cost of your relationship with your own parent(s). Rather than being fearful, see the plentiful opportunities in this. You are protecting your children from someone whom you've experienced as being abusive; you are reassuring your children that you are in charge and are watchful for their best interests (creates deep sense of security); you can teach healthy family values which include that family doesn't get a pass for abusive behaviour; you can strengthen and reinforce the healthy relationships in your extended family. Kids are less likely to feel like there is a void in their life if you fill it with good things.

It is not a loss to remove people from your life who do not respect you or your feelings. Your parents and flying monkey uncle can take a hike!.

Some grandparents really shouldn’t be allowed access to their grandchildren.

A percentage of the general population is dysfunctional and/or abusive. That percentage, like everyone else, has children. Then those children grow and have children of their own. The not-so-loving grandparents expect to have a relationship with their grandchildren. The only problem is, they’re not good grandparents.

Many adult children of toxic parents feel torn between their parents’ (and society’s) expectation that grandparents will have access to their grandkids, and their own unfortunate firsthand knowledge that their parents are emotionally/physically/sexually abusive, or just plain too difficult to have any kind of healthy relationship with.

The children’s parents may allow the grandparents to begin a relationship with their children, hoping that things will be different this time, that their parents have really changed, and that their children will be emotionally and physically safer than they themselves were.

Unfortunately, this is rarely the case, because most abusive people have mental disorders of one kind or another, and many of these disorders are lifelong and not highly treatable. (Others are lifelong and treatable; however, many people never seek the necessary help.)

The well-intentioned parent ends up feeling mortified for having done more harm than good by hoping things would somehow be different — instead of having a child who simply never knew their grandparents and who was never mistreated, they have an abused child who is now also being torn apart by the grief involved in having to sever a lifelong relationship with the unhealthy people they are very attached to.

More Here: lightshouse.org/lights-blog/toxic-bad-abusive-grandparents#ixzz3OuVvrcAm

Don't do it. I've been nc with my M for years. My oldest two asked to see her so I allowed it.

She used the time she had to glean information and has been calling social services on me every few weeks and recently used the (completly ridiculous) reports as 'evidence' to try and take me to court for access. It didn't go further than a letter, but I expect her to continue the calls and do whatever else she can to get my children.

Manipulative and toxic people never change.

heck, ineed. what did you tell the children? do they know what she's trying to do?

No. My NC father asked to meet my dc a few years ago. I said no, he died a few months ago and I didn't feel any regret that they didn't meet him. I felt huge regret that he wasn't the kind of grandfather they deserve.

Be strong and don't give into them.

No. Don't do it. Protect yourself. Protect your child.

Nasty and abusive parents are tricky to deal with because they ensnare you with behaviours and emotions that you never learnt how to protect yourself from. It's so tempting and feels so right to fall in with what they want. But just because it's familiar, it's not right! Don't let them get into a position of power over you ever again!

Do you value the mother-child bond? I'm sure you do :) So, protect it. Protect the relationship between you and your dd. don't willingly walk into a situation where that relationship will be undermined and eroded. Value your daughter more than that. And her need to have a strong bond with her mummy. Value yourself too. Protect yourself.

Ask yourself this:

Why would they want contact? (They have no relationship with your dcs so there is no bond there to be restored.)
The answer can only be to regain influence over you.

Who would benefit? Not your dcs - they have no relationship and it sounds better for them that they don't. Not for you, certainly. Only your parents would stand to gain anything from this.

What could happen if you don't allow this?
and

What could happen if you do allow this?

They are affecting you negatively just by asking for this. Don't let them in.

Please don't do it

They have not changed, otherwise they woudl be seeking to build bridges with you . They will treat your child the way they treated you - is that what you want ?

By remaining NC themselves they have effectively announced to the world that they consider their behaviour acceptable.

one meeting couldn't do her any harm...

But equally, what benefit could it possibly bring? She's not a zoological specimen for people to gawp at. Send them a photo if you feel you must do something.

I wouldn't. No way.

I am surprised you would even consider it!

Sometimes people do get what they deserve.

Your parents don't deserve to have a relationship with you, and quite rightly you've removed them from your life. They are clearly totally unrepentant and do not deserve a relationship with your daughter.

She is also entitled to be protected from manipulative bullies, and it sounds like in this respect you're doing a great job so far.

NC is precisely that; there must be NO communication of any sort from you.

If your DD has nice and emotionally healthy grandparents, concentrate your energies on them instead.

Meerka the first time social services came over they had to interview my children so I had to tell them what she did.

My dd is getting assessed for a few things at the moment so my M said that I was coaching her to be autistic (not one of the things she is being assessed for), that I allow my 13yo to get pissed (I allow him a beer or two every few months) and that Im emotionally abusing my younger son for allowing him to have gender identity disorder and be known as a male (which was advised by a doctor and a psychologist and I have the support of the school).

Its happened so often now social services took my number and just call and say 'you aren't doing x,y and z with the children are you?' rather than come out anymore.

She insists Im having a mental breakdown and my children will be better off with her although I havent had anything to do with her for years and my kids don't really know her at all

Ineed -I'm sorry to hear your mother has caused so much trouble

But I'm suprised that you allow your 13yo to have " a beer or two " . I don't know anyone who does this with their 13yo.

It would be different if he was 16 IMHO

uff, I hope your children see what's she's trying to do. At least social services have got her number! could do without the hassle though ...

At 13 I was out getting pissed in parks, I wanted to take the mystery out of alcohol because I didn't want him doing the same. If he asks, which he rarely does, I allow him a couple of drinks. Its legal, social services were fine with it, its no big deal at all.

No.