Wife having an affair, feeling a bit helpless.

[Brian12345]

So me and my wife (Married 8years, together 9) have had a pretty crap last 12months to be fair, lots of stress and moving house etc etc etc. There have been a few times she has actually said she wanted to split up, and quite a few times we have seemed to have turned a corner and everything has been great. I have been worried quite a few times that she might have been depressed, but have always been told in no uncertain terms to "Stop talking S###", and that it was ME she was unhappy with, nothing else. Even though on several occasions she has disclosed a LONG list of things she is unhappy with, missing friends, family, arguments with family etc etc.
For the last few months I have been doing just about everything around the house, trying to communicate with her, trying to tell her how much I love her, but it's been like talking to a brick wall.
I found out last week that she has been having an affair (for a few weeks), she "doesn't love me", she "loves this other bloke", and wants me to leave.
I have been out of the house nearly 2 weeks now, and have found out from the kids that "Mummys friend had a sleepover" and they all went out for the day last weekend.
To say my head is in bits really would be an understatement.
We've got 4 children (4, 6, 11, 14), and while things have been crap with money, we've been neglecting each other and taking each other for granted, I'm CERTAINLY not claiming to be an angel, but things were FINALLY looking positive, with several aspects of our lives, and I had been trying to show her just how much I do love her, but now this.
I have suggested counselling (Got no reply) and would be willing to try just about anything, and I just don't see giving up on my family as an option.
Am I wasting my time, or do couples come back from things like this??

I think thats about it for now.

I'm sorry but I think you are wasting your time hoping that you might get back together with her. Focus on rebuilding your own life and spending time with your children.

But where does she get off bringing a man to spend the night in your bed when you've only been gone for 2 weeks, while your children are in the house? What a selfish and stupid thing to do. She is not a good mother, she's a self-absorbed idiot.

The older two children are not yours by the sounds of things, but you absolutely have a right to ask that she does not introduce your younger children to random men at the moment, it's far, far too soon. Stupid woman.

I'm sorry you're upset but I think, being brutally honest, she's been telling you it's over for a long time and you've not taken it seriously. Now it's escalated - and I agree with the PP that she sounds pretty reckless - and you've no choice. So please take this latest step seriously, end what sounds like a very unhappy marriage and focus your energies on being a good co-parent instead.

I know I'm clutching at straws here, but I honestly don't think she's 'dealing with a full deck' at the moment, because irrational just doesn't begin to describe it, she doesn't actually think she's doing ANYTHING wrong.

Unless you think she or your children are at risk, there's not a lot you can directly do. The relationship has irreparably broken down & you need to take it seriously rather than keep on with this idea that it might be all some big mistake. Have you taken legal advice, for example?

Haven't actually taken any legal advice yet, it's on my list of things to do, just trying to get my head around everything at the moment.

I'm so sorry, I know how it feels to have the rug pulled from under your feet and that sense of powerlessness that goes with it. It's a horrible, horrible position to be in and it's tough to regain any type of control. That's why I suggest getting some legal advice - but only when you feel up to it - because it can be useful to have an impartial outsider looking at the problem. Do you have support from friends or family? Do they know what's going on?

Hi Brian, so sorry that this has happened. But it does sound like its only going one way. Unfortunately you can't force someone else to like/love you no matter what your feelings for them may be. May I ask why you moved out when she was the one that wanted to leave?

I fully sympathise with the apparent "irrationality" - my exW was exactly the same to the point where I was questioning her sanity as there was so much crap flying around and no logic whatsoever. Again, sorry, I don't know what you can do about it. But you are not alone.

It will take time but it will get better.

I'm sorry mate, I really think it's over. Having a man over like that is very bad behaviour. I know it's difficult and heartbreaking.

I've got a couple of friends that I have spoken to, but I'm definitely not ready to make anything public knowledge. I have only moved out temporarily, just needed to get away as my head was in bits. I'm going back, probably at the weekend, not sure what happens after that.

Don't let her steamroller you out of your own house again when you return. SHE made the decision to have an affair, don't feel responsible for that.
Talk to your friends for som RL support too. When your head clears, get some legal advice just so you know your situation. It's not unusual for solicitors to give you a few initial session, so ask around.

Thats what I'm going to do I think, I've made the decision that when I go back there is no way I am moving out, if she wants to leave thats up to her, but like has been said, I'm the innocent party in all this.
Just need to get my head back together for the kids, I stupidly always thought marriage and family was forever, through thick and thin and all that.

It wasn't a stupid thought. I can't imagine many go into marriage thinking it's a temporary deal until something better comes along. When it doesn't work out, it's heartbreaking but that doesn't make you stupid to have wanted better.

Keep talking to your friends. Her reckless behaviour suggests that this is going to be a very traumatic experience for all concerned. You need people on your side.

She sounds like a right cow. I'd get a solicitor involved now and start protecting the DCs from her hideous behaviour. This OM might be any kind of arse for all you know. Bringing him into the house the minute you left is bang out of order. Don't let them telk you that because you're a bloke you can't get residency or kick her arse out. Am fuming on your behalf.

Sorry to hear that. It is really harsh but she does seem to have moved on. Start preparing for the custody side of things, starting with cleaning up any of your own behaviour. For example, if you drink, cut right back, if you smoke weed, stop. Get some friends on your side who can vouch for your character as a good father. I hope things go better for you soon.

Oh I'm not impressed at all, also had the eldest 2 lying to me about where they had been and who with, I found out from the youngest two when I spoke to them on the phone.
How anyone can honestly think that this is the way to go about things really can't be on this planet, if there were only the two of us I could understand it, but to actually laugh and say "the kids are absolutely fine"???? I honestly don't know if I'm sad, angry, upset, my heads all over the show.

Regarding the children's behaviour, these are all things that you need to make note of. She obviously does not have a good handle on things. Try and stay as involved with them as possible. Could you get the older ones to check in with you daily with a report. Insist upon it! Can you afford legal advice? Try and stay strong.

There's definitely no "issues with my own behaviour to clean up", because of my job and the fact I also shoot, I have to be whiter than white on that front.

The early stages of a messy breakup are horrible - irrational madness, high emotions, inability to see the wood from the trees on both sides, and of course you are sad angry and upset all at once.

Find friends, talk to them and make demands of them (you can make it up to them later). Try if you possibly can to take a huge step back and a very deep breath. Do not make any big decisions (about money or custody or anything) until you feel you can be rational about them.

Think very hard before going back - why are you going back? because it's 'your' house and because 'she's a bitch' and 'you are innocent', or because you want to show your children you are still there for them?

You are probably all of the above. Its a terrible shock, your life is flashing before you and it makes no sense. However she has made her decision, which I don't think will get reversed, so you now need to get her the fuck out of your life.

Get yourself back in the house, get in touch with a solicitor ASAP and tell HER to leave. She is clearly manipulating the children against you and she is not going to stop. Protect yourself and your children and divorce this horrible, heartless, selfish and cruel woman as quickly as you can.

I'm going back for 2 reasons to be honest, 1 - So the children don't think I am going anywhere, and 2 - Why should I be the one who is dossing at friends houses, it's my house (well rented), and I intend to live in it.

Where did Brian say he smokes weed for fucks sake?

He didn't, but I didn't know that. It is quite common where I live and it can be used against him. Or if he has a few pints a night, that be used against him....

Like I said, DEFINITELY not a issue mate, don't worry about it.

Is the house just in your name?

Who is the main carer for the children?

What do you see as the ideal scenario in the future? Who do the children live with, and when?

If I remember rightly the tenancy is just in my name,
We both share the child care pretty evenly to be honest,
As for the 'Ideal scenario in the future', I REALLY haven't got that far yet.
Deciding what I'm doing tomorrow is about as far into the future as I can concentrate on at the moment.