Wife having an affair, feeling a bit helpless.

[Brian12345]

So me and my wife (Married 8years, together 9) have had a pretty crap last 12months to be fair, lots of stress and moving house etc etc etc. There have been a few times she has actually said she wanted to split up, and quite a few times we have seemed to have turned a corner and everything has been great. I have been worried quite a few times that she might have been depressed, but have always been told in no uncertain terms to "Stop talking S###", and that it was ME she was unhappy with, nothing else. Even though on several occasions she has disclosed a LONG list of things she is unhappy with, missing friends, family, arguments with family etc etc.
For the last few months I have been doing just about everything around the house, trying to communicate with her, trying to tell her how much I love her, but it's been like talking to a brick wall.
I found out last week that she has been having an affair (for a few weeks), she "doesn't love me", she "loves this other bloke", and wants me to leave.
I have been out of the house nearly 2 weeks now, and have found out from the kids that "Mummys friend had a sleepover" and they all went out for the day last weekend.
To say my head is in bits really would be an understatement.
We've got 4 children (4, 6, 11, 14), and while things have been crap with money, we've been neglecting each other and taking each other for granted, I'm CERTAINLY not claiming to be an angel, but things were FINALLY looking positive, with several aspects of our lives, and I had been trying to show her just how much I do love her, but now this.
I have suggested counselling (Got no reply) and would be willing to try just about anything, and I just don't see giving up on my family as an option.
Am I wasting my time, or do couples come back from things like this??

I think thats about it for now.

Brian yes she would get benefits.
Please can stop saying he should move? How many times... The tenancy is in his name. He is liable for the rent. He didn't have an affair.

Your wife wouldn't get kicked out if you moved out.

The tenancy is in your name which means only you can be chased for money (unless you have a guarantor). It doesn't mean you have to alway be living there, (although there will be a clause about the property being left empty).

When does your tenancy run to? Are you on a rolling tenancy after the end date passed? I'm assuming this is an assured shorthold tenancy for my response below?

What the landlord can do is to give written notice that the tenancy will not be extended. There's no guarantees even that with happen. No DSS or pets or an other initial requirements are often lifted part way through tenanancy es or at renewals once the tenant has proved themself rather than being a stranger off the street.

If the LL gave notice on a rolling tenancy, that would mean at least 2 complete months if notice before the payment is due date. You'd only need to give 1 month to end it yourself.

However, I do think you're wise to get legal advice. I wouldn't leave my house either and don't see why you should as it could affect your divorce and how your relationship with your kids is seen.

Hope you get a plan of how best to proceed in your circumstances once you've seen the solicitor on Monday.

Cheers, we live in hope he has some bright ideas.

As the tenancy is in your name, you can actually insist on her leaving. People will say that it won't look good / isn't fair etc, but it's one of the first thing that's always suggested when it's a woman that's been cheated on and wants to force the ex male to leave! Usual double standard that seems to be on here when it's male as opposed to female posting for help or advice!

The difficulty with insisting that she leaves is whether OP is in a position to look after his children, or arrange for someone else to look after them. If she moved out who, for example, would take the children to school, collect them and do all the running around involved with day to day childcare and who would care for them during school holidays?

I can't physically throw her out though can I??
I'm speaking to a solicitor on Monday, and I'm willing to bet he tells me that on no account should I move out.
Her business has been shut for over 50% of the last fortnight, she hasn't opened again today and has taken the kids out, even though she knew full well that I was supposed to be taking them out this afternoon. She is throwing away all she's worked for, and just doesn't seem the slightest bit interested. I know full well everything is somehow going to be my fault, but its like watching a huge crash in slow motion, knowing you can't do anything about it.
That doesn't mean I want to get back with her, that simply means I don't want her to throw everything she has worked so hard for down the drain like she is doing, because no matter what that is going to have more negative effects on my kids.

Brian if she leaves the children with you, are you ok for childcare arrangements?

Legally you could have her removed, you couldn't physically force her out yourself though without charge of assault likely, but not necessarily best course of action! Are you able to do the childcare around work etc? Must be horrid that she's messing everything up, but as she's a (am assuming) competent adult, she gets to make her own choices, however destructive / idiotic they seem to you or others. Hanging on and not doing anything drastic till you see the solicitor is probably for the best right now, but maybe spend time over weekend thinking about whether you want to have the kids live with you (if you do), how this could work practically such as with childminders etc, and note things down ready to see the solicitor so you can make the most of the time you have with them.

Youngest 2 are biologically mine, + her daughter from previous relationship and eldest is fostered (on Special Guardianship Order). So I could only ever legally have my 2 anyway, so overnight they lose their 'Brother' and sister, that really isn't much of a solution.
At a massive push I could probably sort my shifts at work short term and manage, but it really would be far from ideal.
Tiz all one hell of a mess, and the icing on the cake is her online busines plus her shop are slowly but surely going down the drain.

Vivacia has asked an important question! Along with legal advice, you need to start seeking out childcare, at least investigate options, availability, and pricing. Do you have family or friends who can do childcare for you temporarily? I think it's just along the lines of getting all your ducks in a row. You don't want to be caught unprepared for any exigency. It may very well turn out that, once she realizes you aren't leaving, she ups sticks and moves where OM is. I know she has a business, but she obviously isn't too concerned about that! Women (and men) can do really stupid things when we're 'in lurrvvvee'. You don't want her taking the children 150 miles away because you don't have anyone to care for them.

I'm in the US so tenancy laws are different, can't advise much there! But I've heard both 'tenancy in your name you can kick anyone out' to 'no, if they've established residency you can't kick them out'. That question should be top of your list for Monday!

You seem a bit preoccupied about her business. I can see how one might get hung on such an unemotional detail, but it's not going to help.

Why wouldn't he worry about her business? Its her support system. If a woman posted this it would be seen as a genuine concern

I would have thought the fact that the fact there was another man in his bed last week was a bit more pressing.

Hmmmm true viv!

Well, I get your point about her financial security too. It won't be in the children's best interests for her to be house-hunting and job-hunting, nor the OP's if he's trying to extricate himself from her (although I'm not sure that's the case).

Basically I'm more that just a bit worried about everything, we split up and I leave next week, next month, whatever, how is she going to keep a roof over my childrens heads and feed them??
Would have thought that was a pretty reasonable concern to be honest.

Well, it's a shame that the children may be split up, but sometimes that's what happens. There's no reason why the 4 of them won't be able to continue to have a sibling relationship, though. I'd ask the solicitor (if you want to have all 4) if there's any way you can seek custody of all the children. Is the Special Guardianship in her name only?

One thing you may want to ask is if this situation gives her an 'edge' on keeping custody of the two you share, meaning that a judge would be more likely to grant her custody to keep the 4 children together. If so, is there anything you can do about it?

I can see being concerned about her business. The more income she has on her own, the less you may have to pay her in support. Not for the children, but as spousal maintenance. Plus this whole OM thing may well blow up in her face, especially if OM is suddenly faced with living with 4 children! Right now OM has it 'nice', living 150 miles away from the day to day bustle of family life. You don't need her knocking on your door in a few months because she's blown her livelihood and OM has flown the coop. She needs to take care of herself!

Well been and spoke to a Solicitor, who basically told me what I already knew. I'm going looking at a house to rent tomorrow. She is going looking at a different house. The 2 youngest will stay with me 50% of nights and the 2 eldest will do whatever they want. She is looking to move into a 3 bedroom house, sharing a bedroom with a 12 year old, apparently "it'll be fun".
I always thought it was blokes who had a 'Mid-life crisis' and did stupid things, but obviously not.
Anyway I think 'positive' is certainly the wrong word, but I'm certainly getting my head around it.

Well it's good to know what the next steps are. What will you do for childcare when you have the children?

We are just going to sort everything out around my shifts at work basically.

Is your wife talking with you now then?

Yes, just about, she realised that ignoring me and being awkward was really not doing the kids any good.

I'm glad it sounds as if you and she are trying to work together as far as the children go. That's a step in the right direction.

I'm not sure how 'fun' it'll be for the 12 year old to share with her mother, especially if she boots her to the sofa if/when the OM decides to spend the night. But, that's a time when you can be there for her.

Many women have 'mid life crises'. I definitely did, but it involved buying expensive handbags (budgeted for) and chopping my hair off . It was a need to 'redefine myself'. But then, I had my first child at 29 and had spent my early 20s really living it up and having fun. I think for many women, especially those who married or had children young, there is just a feeling that they never really 'lived' & so they go 'off the rails' like your wife did, iykwim. Luckily, I think most of us deal with it through retail therapy and/or physical changes (weight, hair, plastic surgery) but still stay within our marriage/motherhood.

Hopefully the rest of the business of separation/divorce will go smoothly and the two of you can emerge from this as, if not friends, at least not enemies.

Well I think we'll just have to see about that, I've been and had a look at a house this afternoon, so hopefully I'll hear back about that tomorrow. Hoping to move sooner rather than later and try and get myself organised.

Brian feel free to tell me to piss off but if shes running her own business how come she wouldnt pass a credit check.