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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife having an affair, feeling a bit helpless.

106 replies

Brian12345 · 14/01/2015 13:26

So me and my wife (Married 8years, together 9) have had a pretty crap last 12months to be fair, lots of stress and moving house etc etc etc. There have been a few times she has actually said she wanted to split up, and quite a few times we have seemed to have turned a corner and everything has been great. I have been worried quite a few times that she might have been depressed, but have always been told in no uncertain terms to "Stop talking S###", and that it was ME she was unhappy with, nothing else. Even though on several occasions she has disclosed a LONG list of things she is unhappy with, missing friends, family, arguments with family etc etc.
For the last few months I have been doing just about everything around the house, trying to communicate with her, trying to tell her how much I love her, but it's been like talking to a brick wall.
I found out last week that she has been having an affair (for a few weeks), she "doesn't love me", she "loves this other bloke", and wants me to leave.
I have been out of the house nearly 2 weeks now, and have found out from the kids that "Mummys friend had a sleepover" and they all went out for the day last weekend.
To say my head is in bits really would be an understatement.
We've got 4 children (4, 6, 11, 14), and while things have been crap with money, we've been neglecting each other and taking each other for granted, I'm CERTAINLY not claiming to be an angel, but things were FINALLY looking positive, with several aspects of our lives, and I had been trying to show her just how much I do love her, but now this.
I have suggested counselling (Got no reply) and would be willing to try just about anything, and I just don't see giving up on my family as an option.
Am I wasting my time, or do couples come back from things like this??

I think thats about it for now.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 14/01/2015 18:16

I know you don't want to, but you have to. At the moment she's ahead of you, calling all of the shots and where are you? Sofa-surfing.

I reckon that you started this thread because you realised that the current plan, "hoping to get back to normal" isn't going to happen.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/01/2015 18:17

If she won't go to counseling, may I suggest you go alone? Especially if you don't feel ready to talk to your RL friends. You do need someone as a sounding board.

You can't do a thing about your wife or what she gets up to on her own. She's (apparently) made her own decision. All you can do is try very hard not to let things get ugly and acrimonious in the coming months for the sake of the children. The 'sleepover' is beyond the pale, imho, but again, what can you do about it, really, except voice your opinion that it isn't in the best interests of the children.

Do seek legal advice. Becoming knowledgeable about your legal position doesn't mean you have to do a thing. It just means that you know what your options are if/when you DO decide to do something.

sonjadog · 14/01/2015 18:22

Actually, I am going to go again the grain here and say don't move back. It sounds like maybe your wife has being trying to tell you it is over for a long time and you have been refusing to listen.

She doesn't want to be with you. It isn't what you want but you mustn't try to steamroller her into doing what you want. Her opinions and feelings are no less valid that yours and she is saying loud and clear that she doesn't want you any more and she wants you gone.

I suggest that you respect her feelings and that you give her the space she needs. Find a place to life, make arrangements to see your kids and get on with your life. Let her get on with hers. Maybe you will find a way back together (although I doubt it if she has been saying this for some time) but it won't happen if you refuse to listen and to her and don't respect her wishes now.

Original poster
Brian12345 · 14/01/2015 18:25

I think I started this thread just to confirm what I know deep down, but didn't want to admit, i.e. it's Game over.

I know I need to get my backside in gear, and get back for the kids, and it is what I fully intend to do, I know what I need to do, but it doesn't make it any easier.
I've had a week or so now with my head rammed firmly up my backside, and now I need to extract it, give my head a wobble and get back for the kids and try and minimise the damage she is doing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brian12345 · 14/01/2015 18:29

The thing is with the tenancy in my name (She won't pass a credit check on her own) she will lose the house the minute I move out anyway, leaving the kids with nowhere to live. I have absolutely no intention of going back to kick off, I am simply going to tell her that I am there for the kids and have ABSOLUTELY no intention of leaving. If she wishes to leave then that is entirely up to her, and I will not try to stop her.

OP posts:
1FluffyJumper · 14/01/2015 18:36

I think if you do that you are just making a rod for her own back. Tell her you don't want new man staying at house or meeting kids (again) for a long time yet. Tell her she can stay at his while u have kids. Who paid deposit on flat? You move back in against against her will and your kids will suffer. She takes kids and moves out ...your kids will suffer. You move in and force her out...your kids would suffer. She would prob end up moving in with man with or without kids.

Vivacia · 14/01/2015 18:53

You need legal advice Brian.

itwillgetbettersoon · 14/01/2015 19:07

I fully understand OP how you feel - been there and couldn't believe how I felt my life was collapsing. I also thought my ex h was suffering from depression! GP basically laughed at him.

Anyway if I was you I would take control. Speak to wife and say you want 50:50 care of children. I would rent your own place and get kids rooms sorted. I doubt your wife and kids will get kicked out - does she work and would she get housing benefit?

I still have my head up my bum but slowly taking control. It does take time and it is hard.

Fairenuff · 14/01/2015 19:12

You will have to accept that the relationship with her is over now. There is no point trying to change that because it's not what she wants. You should focus on what is best for your children.

When you move back, where will the children live? If your wife moves out, will they go with her, or will they stay with you? That's the sort of thing you need to think about.

If they stay with you, what childcare will be available for them whilst you are at work? Do you work full time?

Mumfun · 14/01/2015 19:19

I dont think you should move out until you get legal advice - standard advice in this situation. She should have the hassle of going elsewhere TBH

Original poster
Brian12345 · 14/01/2015 20:16

Well I'll try and answer all those questions at once, the 'other bloke' lives 150miles away, so doubt she will just disappear off round there, and if she did she certainly can't just disappear with the kids. Apparently they are both happy to stay where they are, sort of reinforcing the 'lost plot' idea. I have definitely decided that I will not be moving out and will get some legal advice sorted out asap.

OP posts:
Adarajames · 15/01/2015 02:15

I know people are saying you shouldn't move back in, but they not listening to the fact the tenancy is in your name, so you can't just abandon anyway as its be you that would be held liable for he rent and would who would end up also with a ruined credit record!
What a horrid situation for you to be in, def get legal advice, and as far as possible, keep as cool and calm as you can in any dealings with her, so many people are quick to point the finger at the male in a broken relationship, don't give them any ammo as you get your head round it and work out how to move on from this point
Best wishes with it all

Ouchbloodyouch · 15/01/2015 07:00

I was just about to post exactly the same adara.
Yes he is liable for the rent and he is the one who would be taken to court if it wasn't kept up.

weedinthepool · 15/01/2015 14:19

Can you go back to the house & she move out to family or friends for a week or two? You could say that she is welcome to see the kids every day but they need to stay in their own home for school etc. This might give her space and time to reflect on the decisions she gas made. I'm not saying she will change her mind but it does sound like she isn't thinking very straight at the moment. Having the OM to stay is appalling behaviour.

I'm really sorry you have had to go through this. Those first few weeks are HORRIBLE, I couldn't decide if I wanted tea or coffee nevermind make huge decisions about solicitors/divorce so you have every right to give yourself time. Hope you are OK OP.

Original poster
Brian12345 · 15/01/2015 14:59

Well I have gone home, after getting a mate to go round and remove my guns, so there was no way I could be accused of doing anything I hadn't done.
Been back a couple of hours and she hasn't said a word to me, eldest daughter is off sick from school, so there is no way I am pushing anything in front of her.
Going to play it cool and see what happens, please do not mistake that for being a mug. I've got 4 kids to think of, and having a slanging match in front of them will not help anything.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 15/01/2015 16:10

The guns are a strange thing to mention. What's your concern?

AcrossthePond55 · 15/01/2015 16:12

I agree that getting into it with her when your children are around is counter-productive. Frankly, it's probably better to give each other the 'silent treatment' until you've spoken to a solicitor and formulated a plan for your future. Be polite, as if you were two strangers forced to share living space. Look after yourself and the children.

See a solicitor immediately. Be prepared to give them financial incomings and outgoings, tenancy information, and what you want as far as the children's living arrangements.

This part is up to you, but if you and she have joint finances, I would suggest separating them at this point.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/01/2015 16:16

Viv it's not unusual for a legal gun-owner to have firearms removed in this type of situation to avoid a spouse/partner of (falsely) accusing them of threatening them with a gun. I don't know about the UK, but here that is a felony & carries a heavy penalty. It can also be considered attempted murder. I'd assume that's why Brian had his mate remove them.

Vivacia · 15/01/2015 16:21

I was thinking having extra guns would be a problem for his mate. Giving him the keys would have been a simpler option. However, I defer to Brian who will know what he's doing.

Original poster
Brian12345 · 15/01/2015 16:33

My mate owns a gun shop, and they have all been transferred there for 'storage' my wife is all to aware that 1 phone call to the police accusing me of waving guns around and I would be arrested on the spot regardless of any actual proof.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 15/01/2015 16:36

Maybe it would be a good idea to give notice on your tenancy and move out into your own place. Your wife will also have to find a place to live. Then you can sort out access for the children to see you both.

sonjadog · 15/01/2015 16:55

Why would the guns in the house be a problem? What do you think she is going to accuse you of and why would she do that?

Ouchbloodyouch · 15/01/2015 17:04

Err why would the guns be a problem? Because his wife has decided to have another man on a sleep over and wants rid of her husband? I think he has explained that. Are you suggesting he should have left them there sonja?

Original poster
Brian12345 · 15/01/2015 17:06

Why is she doing a lot of the things she's doing, she may never have accused me of anything, but at least this way they are out of the equation and my backside is covered.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 15/01/2015 17:17

Are all four children yours OP?

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