Wife having an affair, feeling a bit helpless.

[Brian12345]

So me and my wife (Married 8years, together 9) have had a pretty crap last 12months to be fair, lots of stress and moving house etc etc etc. There have been a few times she has actually said she wanted to split up, and quite a few times we have seemed to have turned a corner and everything has been great. I have been worried quite a few times that she might have been depressed, but have always been told in no uncertain terms to "Stop talking S###", and that it was ME she was unhappy with, nothing else. Even though on several occasions she has disclosed a LONG list of things she is unhappy with, missing friends, family, arguments with family etc etc.
For the last few months I have been doing just about everything around the house, trying to communicate with her, trying to tell her how much I love her, but it's been like talking to a brick wall.
I found out last week that she has been having an affair (for a few weeks), she "doesn't love me", she "loves this other bloke", and wants me to leave.
I have been out of the house nearly 2 weeks now, and have found out from the kids that "Mummys friend had a sleepover" and they all went out for the day last weekend.
To say my head is in bits really would be an understatement.
We've got 4 children (4, 6, 11, 14), and while things have been crap with money, we've been neglecting each other and taking each other for granted, I'm CERTAINLY not claiming to be an angel, but things were FINALLY looking positive, with several aspects of our lives, and I had been trying to show her just how much I do love her, but now this.
I have suggested counselling (Got no reply) and would be willing to try just about anything, and I just don't see giving up on my family as an option.
Am I wasting my time, or do couples come back from things like this??

I think thats about it for now.

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. I bet you wish you could fast-forward at least to a point where you had some clarity on the future.

Can I just say I would avoid "getting reports" from your children about your wife's activities or behaviour? Doesn't matter how old they are, they shouldn't be used to relay messages or information about or between the two adults. However hard it might be, you both need to communicate with each other, or if necessary through a neutral adult.

Youngest 2 are biologically mine, definitely not trying to involve any of them, although thats a bit impossible now that Mummy has a bed settee in the dining room.

I just have a hunch that there is a not more to this than the OP is saying, Ouch, and I suspect his wife might present all this in a very different light.

OP, someone upthread suggested you ask the older DCs for a daily report on what's going on at home after you mentioned that they told you the OM has stayed over (this was before you moved back).

My suggestion wasn't "don't involve them", it was "don't relay information through the children". I've worked with countless separated parents and it puts unacceptable pressure on the children to have to do this.

F course she would, but you could say similar about every thread on here. It's the OP who is posting for advice, so we take him at face value and advise.

I think you really do need to accept that it's over and look for the best way to move on. You need to take legal and financial advice, decide where you are going to live and get as much real life support from family and friends as you can.

Once you are physically living apart and have sorted arrangements for seeing your children, you can take some time to come to terms with everything. For now, it is best to focus on the practicalities rather than the 'whys' and 'what could have beens' if you see what I mean.

Yes viv how many threads posted by women get picked apart as the other party may present things in a different light? Not many!
Now OP are you sure...absolutely sure .. that you were doing enough housework?

I don't doubt she would paint things in a completely different light, she has been rewriting things to fit in with her agenda, she has had a go at me for several (historic) things I've done which simply didn't happen, i.e. occasions I have supposedly done something 'out of order', or said something to upset her, getting to the point that it is bordering on delusional. I can state categorically that there has been no problem in our marriage to get anywhere near explaining all this. I have suspected for several months that she is suffering from depression, but despite repeatedly trying to talk to her about it have gotten nowhere.

This is absolutely shit, and will probably get worse, but there is no way on earth I am walking out on my kids.

Also the 'Practicalities' are that I COULD move out tomorrow, and the day after we would lose this house, she obviously doesn't appreciate that, and I can't see that solving ANYTHING.

I think you are still hoping to stay with her OP. You don't seem to want to move on at all.

At this minute in time my primary concern is to be there for my children, moving out and taking them with me would only end in a load of trouble, so the only way I can be there for them is to stay here, certainly for the moment.
I agree that my marriage is over, but she is being totally irrational, especially when Im not there, which can only have a negative effect on the kids, there is no way I can keep an eye on them if I'm somewhere else.

Actually I think asking a friend to remove your guns was a very sensible thing to do, and is good proof that you are still able to think clearly and do what you can as calmly as you can to minimise possible increased problems.

People are still not taking note of the fact the tenancy is in your name. I do sometimes wonder on here if some posters actually RTFT at all or somehow Understand a different version of it to other readers! Would you be asking for the kids to be resident with you op? Would you be able to have them with you to fit in with work and so on? Would your wife agree to them staying with you or would there be a fight over that? As others keep saying, you do really need to get some legal advice,nor maybe would you be able to go to
Mediation with your wife? Not to try and get back together but to have someone to work through theae questions with you, especially if you don't want to see a solicitor yet; at least then you may be able to discuss all the many things you need to without it descending to personal attacka, which is always more likely when we've been emotional ripped apart by someone else's behaviour. The sooner you can sort it, the better for your kids as being in such an atmosphere as both of you in same house but antagonistic and unhappy to be so, isn't any good for them at all

Is it a tied cottage OP?

I don't think anyone is suggesting you just move out but that you take legal advice.

That has to be the first step OP.

Bear in mind that your wife could move out anytime and take the children with her if she wanted to. You must find out where you stand.

It will be more unsettling for the children to have you living together in this atmosphere, than living apart happily. Also, it's confusing for younger children who won't understand that you have in fact separated.

Get a free half hour with a solicitor. Ask around for recommendations.

It's a large 4 bedroom detached house, I'm going to look at getting some legal advice today, while my wife is completely irrational at the moment, there is no way she would go anywhere without the kids, she's certainly not thinking about the effect that this is having on them, but I don't doubt for a moment that she loves them more than anything.

Aha - the cheaters 'script'
Re-writing history is a huge part of that.

I really hope you can both be reasonable and come to an amicable solution.
Get that legal advice sorted out quickly!

Sorry you are going through this. Many of us have been there and it's totally crap.
But once you have your thoughts and plans in place things do get better.

Brian, if she truly 'loved them more than anything' she wouldn't have cheated, much less brought a strange man into their home. If she 'loved them more than anything' she would have done the honourable thing if she realized she didn't love you anymore and talked to you honestly and ended the marriage.

Your children are obviously your first priority. But hers is herself, not them. Not by a long shot!

I couldn't agree more to be honest, I know she is being 110% selfish and self centred, she is messing about with the childrens heads and living in a complete dreamworld. Which is why I am not going anywhere, this behaviour is so 'not her' it's untrue, which sort of backs up my theory of 'Underlying issues'.
Thats not saying I want to remain married to her, that is saying I am going to try and minimise any effect on my children.

In the week or so I have been away I can tell the children haven't been looed after properly. I AM NOT talking about any severe neglect or anything like that, just eating more crap than normal, bed later, going a few days at a time without a bath. Basically just someone who to the casual observer is coping just fine, but when the truth is known, they very much aren't.
Her shop has also been closed for approximately 50% of the last fortnight for one reason or another, as somebody who has got a lot more than just a vague idea what I'm talking about, this has all got the hallmarks of someone heading for a 'Shed collapse' if they carry on.

Another serious problem with my wife living in a dream world is that at the moment this all sort of reads "Wife having an affair..... confused husband". The second I move out, that all changes, the 'Affair' gets forgotten about, and it's suddenly "Ba*rd husband leaves wife and 4 children homeless".
This house is private rented "STRICTLY NO DSS", the second I move out they are homeless. This is not registering at all in her head, she is totally departed from the reality of the situation, and living a dreamworld.
Still don't know what the answer to any of this, but moving out at this moment in time just isn't an option.
Getting some legal advice at the beginning of next week.

"this behaviour is so 'not her' it's untrue, which sort of backs up my theory of 'Underlying issues'."

Brian It is very much 'her'. It's the 'her' she is now. I'm putting on my 'stern mum' face right now and saying 'Don't make excuses for her!'. OK, I'm taking off that face now.

Nothing 'changes' if you move out, as long as you provide for your children. Whether that means taking them with you or paying sufficient maintenance so they have a roof over their heads is up to you. You have a very good reason for ending your marriage, infidelity is a deal breaker in my book. Those who know you will understand, those who don't...who cares?

Understood, suppose I can't help making excuses, all the totally childish behavior, little comments to the kids that are a dig at me, using the kids to try and wind me up. I woyld have bet everything I had that she would NEVER do that sort of thing not so long ago. She really is losing the plot, I know she it trying to wind me up so I leave, but that isn't going to happen. She is free to leave anytime she wants.
Anyway, got an appointment with a Solicitor on Monday morning, so we'll see what he has to say.

Perhaps the OM has money? ie to pay her rent.

I'm a bit concerned at this standoff tbh. Concerned for the kids, that is. You've obviously dug in your heels and you will NOT be moving out - is that to punish her? Because it's punishing the kids.

I do sympathise hugely with what you're going through - nightmare. Though I can't count how many times I've read on here the exact behaviour when a husband leaves his wife to go off with an OW ie a complete change in character, down to the very roots re "I would never in a million years have thought he was capable of this". One poster many moons ago called it 'going over to the dark side' and that about sums it up.

The re-writing history thing is typical; the chucking you out and moving someone else in in the blink of an eye as if you no longer exist. God, that must be so painful.

Feelings must be running so high for you, understandably. But please please please keep an eye out that the kids don't get caught in the crossfire. It's so not fair, I agree.

If the OP moved out he would have to keep paying rent on the house (because he is legally liable and a good dad) and a place for himself. How is that fair?! Honestly. Some of the posts on here... If this was a woman you'd all be shouting about kicking him out etc. His wife has had an affair. She needs to leave the family home TEMPORARILY to give everyone time to cool down, consider options and collect themselves. Same advice as you'd all give a female OP.

OP if you don't want to ask her to move briefly (which if you're working full time etc I understand) then can I suggest you move back to your home and into the spare room. No spare room? Put the kids in together and take one of theirs. Then see your solicitor.

Hope legal advice is useful on Monday OP

She has set up camp in the dining room and I am sleeping in 'our room' at the moment. She still hasn't said a word, and just continually ignores any attempt to speak to her.
I will just ssy again though, if I move out then we lose the house, the house is in my name, and the credit check done through me, because she would never pass a credit check. The house is in a small village and while the landlord does not live locally, he does have a large number of friends locally, and would find out I had moved out in about 5 minutes.
There is no way on earth I an afford to run 2 properties, so even if I did move out I couldn't pay 2 lots of rent. The 'other bloke' lives 150miles away, has family there, and while I don't know his exact financial situation, I know he is a Nurse, so can't see him being too flush with cash.
This is totally crap, and hopefully the Solicitor will have some advice on Monday.
At the moment I think there are 2 reasons behind her behaviour.
1 - She has actually completely lost the plot.
2 - In here twisted head, if I leave, Im5 the ba**d who walked out, this would somehow justify her actions, and also (I would think) make her eligible for various 'benefits'. Don't know much about benefits though, I've never claimed any.