sex problems - how do we sort this out?

[usernamechangeryetagain]

DP and i had a discussion about this at the weekend, can't really cAll it a row cos I wasn't disputing what he said. But he is clearly upset about it.

We've been together nearly a year. I've had gynae problems which mean I am bleeding fairly constantly. Sometimes it's barely anything, others like a full on period.I've seen my gp several times and basically they won't do anything about it.

When it first started I avoided sex with dp completely. He got concerned by this understand ably,we talked and basically agreed when it was at the lighter times, apologies for tmi, we'd try then.a.d that's how we've gone on.

That means in a typical month I'm probably only able to have sex half the time at best. Which doesn't sound so bad, but the added complication is that we don't live together, and sex at my house is impossible because of dc.

This all blew up because dp said he couldn't remember the last time we had full sex (it was before Xmas, with the Xmas break we've been spending more time at my house) and one time we did try over Xmas when the DC were out, I made a flippant comment during which was silly and put him off, and really upset him.I apologised sincerely at the time but he is still hurt about that.

I don't know what to do. We do spend some time at his, but only once a week at most,and hesaid he hates feeling it I has to be that night, he would rather it was less planned. The only thing I can think of is spending more time there, I'm just worried that might not solve the problem.

OP, you have my full sympathy. I have been bleeding constantly - and I mean every single day- for the last 2 years. I had problems for 3 years prior to that. When it is at its heaviest, I am unable to leave the house for 3 days and every time I go to the loo, it looks like someone has been murdered in there. I lose litres of blood. I had to give up my career because of it. Because the problem started when I was 32, I have in all likelihood lost the chance to have children because of it (I'm now 37).

I have been back and back and back to GPs for years, and have had to fight non-stop to get to see a specialist. It is not easy to get referred to a clinic for these problems - people do not understand how doctors simply brush this off as a minor issue, when it has a major impact on physical and mental wellbeing, as well as quality of life. I was on my knees, unable to climb a flight of stairs because I was so anaemic, and unable to work, and my GP told me I was 'normal'. When I said that I was worried about losing the chance to have children because I could never have sex, I was told to go home and put on a relaxation CD!! GP after GP simply refused to believe that I couldn't actually have sex or fall pregnant while bleeding like a burst water main.

In the end, I ended up so severely anaemic that I collapsed and my heart nearly failed. It was only then that they took action. I found myself in the hands of a brilliant consultant and have had the first of two operations just before Christmas. I am on the road to recovery and for the first time - not bleeding! Hooray!

I am currently writing a book about it - it has been like living in a horror movie, being that out of control of my body and unable to get help. I want you to know that you are not alone.

The first thing I would say to you is: do NOT give up. Go back to the GP, and go back and GO BACK. 20, 30, 40 times - it is not your fault this is happening, and you need to keep pestering or you will end up in my shoes. Make sure that you have had: a clear cervical smear, a hormone test to check that you're not menopausal, progesterone, the Mirena coil. If those fail, DEMAND to see a specialist and refuse to take no for an answer.

The second thing I would say to you is: your partner is a git. I know only too well how devastating this problem is for a relationship. All I can say is this: my DH stood by me through thick and thin. Not only did he not complain about the sex issue, he constantly reassured me that I was still sexy to him, and that he loved me. He even went to Boots and had a long conversation with a sales assistant about sanitary towels! He has supported me without hesitation while I've been off work. And this made me feel a lot more like satisfying him in other ways, if you see what I mean! Men aren't all selfish bastards. They don't always demand sex as a right. Yours is just being an arsehole. I would think very carefully about whether you want to stay with someone who simply can't be there for you in the most basic way when you need it.

OP, I'm sorry I can't offer any medical advice or advice re your massively unsupportive DP, but have you tried these? www.soft-tampons.co.uk/ My gf uses them and we've never had an accident.

OMG holly how awful x

It has been awful.

The worst thing is, as women we don't talk about periods and bleeding, except when we first start them. It's a kind of taboo still. I've had so much of my dignity taken from me by the failure of doctors to take action at an appropriate time that I no longer care. I am determined to talk about this issue to anyone who will listen. And as I do so, more and more women come up to me and say that they, too, are having problems. There are loads and loads of us out there, and it's very hard to get it properly looked at. The trouble is, a lot of the websites for women are for post-diagnosis: for endometriosis, or fibroids, or whatever. But many women are stuck in a cycle where they are simply bleeding without a diagnosis. It is scary and lonely. Which is why I want to do a book. (Also, because if I don't write about it I will probably have some kind of breakdown.

I think one thing people need to realise is that full-on menorrhagia isn't like a period. Saying that it is is a bit like comparing a toddler tantrum to the meltdown suffered by a child with SEN like autism. At the worst I would soak a super-plus tampon, the largest sanitary towel and sometimes also your clothes in 30 minutes, night and day (no sleep for longer than 30 minutes a night). It is unmanageable! I know a lot of advice on this thread is very kind and well-meaning and would probably help someone in a normal period, but I think people may underestimate quite how bad this condition can get.

*my clothes, not your clothes (thank goodness!)

Holly your situation sounds truly awful. But it's completely different to the OP's. Hers is caused by hormonal contraceptives, it's a side effect - she knows that if she stops the injection, the bleeding will stop.

Her DP has suggested she stop the injection and they use condoms instead - but she's carried on with the injection. I don't think he sounds like an arsehole at all - just someone that's getting really frustrated with a situation when the solution seems so easy - stop the injection and use condoms (plus any/several other non-hormonal methods of contraception) instead.

Well, it's easy to say 'just stop getting the injection' when it's not you stuck with it in your system for the next 3 months, constantly being reminded of how it's gone wrong, you sat in front of a GP having explain your misgivings. Frankly my sympathy is with the person bleeding here. He says he 'makes much more effort than you, OP, so what does he actually do? It seems to be you doing the worrying about it. Holly listed specific ways in which her husband was supportive: what has your partner done? Apologies if all this was covered further back in the thread, but the dominant image of him now for me is as someone who goes on about wanting to be spontaneous though his circumstances don't fit with that at all, is still sulking over a badly-judged utterance from you, and who is dismissive of a blow job as second best.

I thought the idea of contraception was to enable you to have lots of sex without getting pregnant.

It appears your contraception is very effective as it is stopping you getting pregnant by basically not having sex. Therefore as contraception, it's pointless.

All of those types of things made me bleed constantly. That's why I stooped using them . Condoms all the way, and no wet patch afterwards these days

You have a medical problem and a partner problem

I don't like the sound of him. I found I were you would think he was looking for a reason to dump me. It's not normal to bang on and on about a harmless throwaway comment

You have apologised for it, what more does he want. If he mentions it again I would tell him to get over it or fuck off.

If I were you

He says he doesn't want our relationship to end, but just isn't sure how we can get things back to normal. He's a lovely man, but I know now he's sad and frustrated. I so want to fix it, I just don't know what to do for the best.

We are so happy generally. Friends think we're perfect for each other, say it's obvious how much he loves me. We're not those couples who snipe and niggle each other, or look bored together. Quite the opposite. I knew this was an issue. But I thought we generally were ok. This has blindsided me.

I feel so sad

Seem to have lost part my previous post...Holly just to say what you've been through sounds horrendous. So glad you now have a specialist and things are improving

I will be stopping this contraception. I wish I'd not listened to my GP. But I did, and bow I have to wait at least another couple of months for it to exit my system.

If I thought I was on borrowed time, I would find it very difficult to feel sexy, bleeding or not.

What does he mean by normal? You will have the bleeding for a couple more months, hopefully that's all, and the teenagers for a while longer. Will that be normal then? If so, he's just got to wait it out

Don't forget you said upthread you'd discussed it with him again before agreeing to the final try with the injection. Don't take all the responsibility!

Anything other than full sex feels a bit second best to him. I'm also not great at it. He feels he pleases me and then I lose interest (again, echoes of previous relationship) but he enjoys that, so kind of a double edged sword

All sorts of alarm bells are ringing having just read this

Is this really what he thinks, that only PIV will do, that youre not great at foreplay, that the only thing that matter to you is your own pleasure?

I'm really concerned either way, whether this actually is his thoughts, or whether this is what you yourself believe.

Its not just the actual piv sex, he feels there isn't enough/any intimacy. By normal he means having some kind of sex life, he thinks it's been so long it seems awkward now. But unless we do have sex, or at least some more intimacy, we can't sustain a relationship.

Ok... Can you still kiss and cuddle when you are bleeding? And when he's at yours?

And it's been so long partly because of his reaction last time...

We kiss and cuddle all the time. At mine, his, wherever. That's never changed.

Both your GP and your partner sound utterly shite to me. I'd bin both if I were you.

I didn't get on at all well with hormonal contraception (suicidal depression, with the only moment of relief provided by the black humour of realising that it had also utterly destroyed my libido and realising that this was perhaps why the pill was so effective - because you didn't want to shag anyone while you were on it). And yes, my GP was horrified at the thought that I could even question the wonders of the almighty contraceptive pill. I got myself down to the FPC instead and got a diaphragm. I can't believe you're even considering having a repeat injection in February.

As for your partner - well, going on endlessly about an off-the-cuff remark, taking you when your self confidence and body image are in shreds due to bleeding half the month, and having the sheer cruelty to say to you that your technique is lacking - bloody hell! As a poster on another relationships thread put it, more red flags that a Communist party conference.

Lurcio, I don't think the OP is considering it again - she almost gave up last time but was talked out of it by GP. I don't think that'll be repeated.

Yy on Gp's lack of sympathy.

I'm definitely not having depo again, I wish I hadn't last time.

My DP hasn't gone on about my comment, quite the opposite, after I apologised at the time some weeks ago he didn't mention it again til now. But he's clearly been thinking about it, I just didn't realise.

He hasn't said my technique is bad, only that me having to stop cos my arm aches doesn't help. Which I totally understand.

But if you are kissing and cuddling all the time, that's not a complete absence of intimacy. And if he's saying he wants more of a sex life, but also that it's been so long now it seems awkward, you can't win, can you? I hear what you're saying about being happy together but it really does sound as if he wants you to come up with a magical solution and that he sees this as your responsibility. I would tell him this honestly and say you feel backed into a corner. Either he can wait two more months, or he can't and is not the man you thought.

Well put, TendonQueen.

I'm kind of surprised it feels awkward if you are keeping up the kissing and cuddling

It doesn't feel awkward to me, that was how dp said he felt.

I'm so confused and have been awake all night, second night running. I thought we had the perfect relationship last week, now I feel like it's on the verge of ending. A week ago he was telling me how gorgeous I am, how much he loves me and that he'd never leave me. And now he's saying he doesn't see how we can go on as we are. I just don't understand what's changed or went wrong. It's almost like he's a different person.