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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

sex problems - how do we sort this out?

136 replies

usernamechangeryetagain · 13/01/2015 07:39

DP and i had a discussion about this at the weekend, can't really cAll it a row cos I wasn't disputing what he said. But he is clearly upset about it.

We've been together nearly a year. I've had gynae problems which mean I am bleeding fairly constantly. Sometimes it's barely anything, others like a full on period.I've seen my gp several times and basically they won't do anything about it.

When it first started I avoided sex with dp completely. He got concerned by this understand ably,we talked and basically agreed when it was at the lighter times, apologies for tmi, we'd try then.a.d that's how we've gone on.

That means in a typical month I'm probably only able to have sex half the time at best. Which doesn't sound so bad, but the added complication is that we don't live together, and sex at my house is impossible because of dc.

This all blew up because dp said he couldn't remember the last time we had full sex (it was before Xmas, with the Xmas break we've been spending more time at my house) and one time we did try over Xmas when the DC were out, I made a flippant comment during which was silly and put him off, and really upset him.I apologised sincerely at the time but he is still hurt about that.

I don't know what to do. We do spend some time at his, but only once a week at most,and hesaid he hates feeling it I has to be that night, he would rather it was less planned. The only thing I can think of is spending more time there, I'm just worried that might not solve the problem.

OP posts:
ElizaCBennett · 13/01/2015 11:47

Am I missing something here? Surely hormonal contraception is mainly used to prevent conception. If it prevents you having a sex life everything is the wrong way around. You may need to think about a different method, as the downsides seem to outweigh the benefits.

ISolemnlySwearImUptoNoGood · 13/01/2015 11:50

You can get something called a soft cup which catches the blood. You insert it yourself and you can have sex whilst using one. I would think it's worth trying given your situation. Google it. You can get them on amazon and from boots.

Original poster
usernamechangeryetagain · 13/01/2015 13:26

I don't think a blanket would do, it's leaked through a duvet, sheets and mattress protector before so I expect a blanket would be the same. Waterproof sheet as well should help though.

Ultimately I need to stop the bleeding. Will look into sponge, would be easier if I can get online or in Boots than taking a day off to go to fpc. And in Feb hopefully if bleeding stops look at getting some other form of contraception.

Still feeling pretty shit about it all though, I thought everything was ok with DP and I, and clearly its not

OP posts:
FloraFox · 13/01/2015 13:37

Although you said your DP was supportive when you talked about this last, it does seem like it's all on you to deal with this. Having to worry about bleeding and probably feeling pretty shit from bleeding so long must make it hard to get in the mood. You must feel like crap.

You've said once on this thread (towards the end) that you do still want sex but everything else you've said has been about what your DP wants - more often, PIV, not happy with other things, spontaneous, you seeming totally into it and not putting him off. You talk about his frustration and his complaints. That sounds like a lot of very unsexy pressure. What do you want? Do you want to call a halt until you get the bleeding under control?

Joysmum · 13/01/2015 13:54

Your GP sounds like a shower of shite if you've not talked through the other options available.

I feel angry on your behalf Angry

Waterproof mattress protectors are fab, they prevent full on incontinence mucking up the beds so are more than capable of meeting your needs.

HootyMcTooty · 13/01/2015 14:10

OP that amount of prolonged bleeding is not normal and you really need to see another GP. You shouldn't have to put up with that, you'll be lucky if you're not anaemic.

HellKitty · 13/01/2015 14:57

Talk about the Mirena at your surgery, they may offer to book you with a doctor at a neighbouring surgery. At mine im lucky enough to have one doc who specialises in them but at my last I didn't hence the FPC.

Original poster
usernamechangeryetagain · 13/01/2015 16:01

I do want sex, I just don't feel that comfortable having sex while bleeding. I've never had sex on a period in any previous relationship. So it feels awkward. But not so awkward I want to avoid it completely.

It wasn't like this when we were first together, I was more insistent than dp, it changed once the bleeding started.

I am almost certainly anaemic. I've had iron tablets in the past but they upset my stomach so GP advice was not to continue with them.

My GPs are rubbish, hence trying to change. I will look at fpc in the next health auth area as an alternative, but I cant do anything re other contraception til I stop bleeding which will prob be end of next month.

OP posts:
Bakeoffcakes · 13/01/2015 16:46

Username- Re iron tablets, if you take them with a small glass of orange justice, you won't have tummy problems. Iron needs vit C inorder to be absorbed easily, so the orange juice provides that. (I know as I had terrible stomach issues, it was a pharmacist who advised the orange juice. It works a treat).

Original poster
usernamechangeryetagain · 14/01/2015 09:26

Thanks I didn't know that about vitamin C. Will give it a try.

OP posts:
Original poster
usernamechangeryetagain · 16/01/2015 12:30

Just updating this and hoping for some further advice. We met up midweek to try and talk about stuff, but I don't know it helped, am worried now I am on borrowed time Sad

Basically he is still very hurt by the stupid comment I made, and I think disappointed by what he feels is a lack of effort on behalf with our sex life. I've said how shit the bleeding makes me feel and what I intend to do about that. We had the opportunity to have sex but he said he didn't really feel like it (which is utterly fine, but equally he doesn't see how we can sort it out without sex -but that after so long it feels awkward Sad)

I really want to put this right, but I'm just not sure how, and worried what if it's too late? I thought we'd spend the rest of our lives together, certainly that's what we both said we wanted.

OP posts:
Bakeoffcakes · 16/01/2015 12:35

He is still very hurt about a silly comment you made days ago?
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a sulker? You're life will be hell as you will be constantly worring about opening your mouth and saying the wrong thing.

Original poster
usernamechangeryetagain · 16/01/2015 12:38

He really isn't a sulker, that's the thing. It has just really hurt him. I think it made him feel I wasn't interested or bothered (not true). He felt like that in a past relationship so I suppose it had unpleasant echoes.

OP posts:
sixandtwothrees · 16/01/2015 12:49

I feel really sorry for you and for him Sad

I Was on that bloody progesterone only pill - to see if I was ok for the injection - and it did exactly the same to me... I bled CONSTANTLY and felt really shit and unsexy and awful all the time and it is seriously a passion killer. I hated it and came off it after 11 weeks of constant bleeding. I dunno how you have dealt with it for a year :-(

He's clearly got mega damaged confidence and feels very rejected (not your fault but is exacerbated by the bleeding and repeated no's to sex) so is sensitive about everything hence that comment has cut him deep and everything about sex is now a bit of a minefield for you both. If he at least knew there was an alternative plan (condoms temporarily till you can get an appointment elsewhere maybe?) then he might feel a bit less shit and you might feel a bit more like you want to get it on?

sixandtwothrees · 16/01/2015 12:51

Also how are things other than full-on sex? When you are dealing with bad shit its a bit of a leap to go from nothing to full sex and maybe you could both do with some intimacy and fun fooling around to tide things over and remind you that you actually like each other?

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 16/01/2015 12:54

Sorry if this has already been said but would he be open to getting the snip? Sounds like you aren't ever planning to have kids, both in your 40's with teens etc. maybe he should take some responsibility for contraception since hormones obviously don't work for you.

I was the same with depo by the way, bled for a year, gp kept saying it'd calm down, just try one more dose. It did not! Bleeding stopped after a while.I tried the pill but got the same thing, plus very moody.

We use the withdrawal method now, plus lots of non-piv stuff. When we ever get a chance!

I didn't know caps and diaphragms actually existed, except for on leaflets in the doctors. Shock

Original poster
usernamechangeryetagain · 16/01/2015 12:54

We did talk about the future plan in terms of contraception, so he knows hopefully this wont be forever.

He feels he makes lots of effort and I don't, so it's all a bit mismatched. Just feel really sad. Last week we were talking about when we live together and now... Sad I don't know how to make more effort, what to do. This is so hard.

OP posts:
Honsandrevels · 16/01/2015 12:55

Orange juice has vitamin c to help absorption of iron, I don't think it helps if the tablets cause stomach issues. You can try different types of iron tablets though or have iron infusions if you are v anaemic.

You really need to have a blood test to check your levels.

Original poster
usernamechangeryetagain · 16/01/2015 12:58

Anything other than full sex feels a bit second best to him. I'm also not great at it. He feels he pleases me and then I lose interest (again, echoes of previous relationship) but he enjoys that, so kind of a double edged sword. There hasn't been any of that either since Xmas.

OP posts:
sixandtwothrees · 16/01/2015 13:10

You have made an effort to make a plan - you could point that out. Do you want him? Really? Are you actually losing interest when fooling around or is he projecting that on you? It's a bit unfair for him to basically say only full sex will do, it's a bit like a test you can't possibly pass which is not okay. Plus he's cutting his nose off to spite his face!! Why not take a bit of fondling if that is what is on offer??? It doesn't make much sense. If he's being critical of your 'technique' that's not okay either, but if you genuinely think you could do better then honestly there are loads of things you can do.... Immerse yourself in reading up on the subject Wink so much of this is more about physically connecting and less about the actual technicalities of sexual acts.

YonicSleighdriver · 16/01/2015 13:13

Oh, I don't like the sound of that. What does he mean by lack of effort?

Is it to do with you getting tired before he comes?

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 16/01/2015 13:48

I have to be honest, the more you post, the more incompatible you both sound. Granted, you haven't yet had a chance to test how sexually compatible you are but it doesn't sound like it's going to work.

Between you not wanting to have sex at your house, his not liking the planned element of only having sex at his house, mornings are too early, your tired arm, blah, blah, and on a rare occasion that you finally do get round to having sex you're mentally planning a shopping trip - well it doesn't sound great does it?

Hissy · 16/01/2015 13:54

I don't like this at all love.

if he was that focussed on having sex, a flippant remark wouldn't faze him!

I agree, you are not mutally compatible. a normal bloke would be more understanding and would not be complaining about this stuff when it's a medical sodding issue.

Original poster
usernamechangeryetagain · 16/01/2015 14:00

I do want him. I don't feel I'm losing interest,but I'm very, maybe too, aware of the bleeding. It wasn't like this for the first few months and certainly it didn't feel we were incompatible then. It's not just me that doesn't want sex at my house btw, it's both of us that feel uncomfortable with it.

OP posts:
Hissy · 16/01/2015 14:36

this is too hard this soon into a relationship.

Why on earth are you uncomfortable having sex in your home? do you share a room with your kids? Do you scream like a banshee? What?

He is not being supportive, and that is crap