sex problems - how do we sort this out?

[usernamechangeryetagain]

DP and i had a discussion about this at the weekend, can't really cAll it a row cos I wasn't disputing what he said. But he is clearly upset about it.

We've been together nearly a year. I've had gynae problems which mean I am bleeding fairly constantly. Sometimes it's barely anything, others like a full on period.I've seen my gp several times and basically they won't do anything about it.

When it first started I avoided sex with dp completely. He got concerned by this understand ably,we talked and basically agreed when it was at the lighter times, apologies for tmi, we'd try then.a.d that's how we've gone on.

That means in a typical month I'm probably only able to have sex half the time at best. Which doesn't sound so bad, but the added complication is that we don't live together, and sex at my house is impossible because of dc.

This all blew up because dp said he couldn't remember the last time we had full sex (it was before Xmas, with the Xmas break we've been spending more time at my house) and one time we did try over Xmas when the DC were out, I made a flippant comment during which was silly and put him off, and really upset him.I apologised sincerely at the time but he is still hurt about that.

I don't know what to do. We do spend some time at his, but only once a week at most,and hesaid he hates feeling it I has to be that night, he would rather it was less planned. The only thing I can think of is spending more time there, I'm just worried that might not solve the problem.

Ah, really? How pants.

Your DP sounds frustrated - as you must be, and as I would be if something had been an issue for a year and there was no real end in sight, and not necessarily at the lack of sex but the lack of exploration of solutions to sort this out. In fairness to him, you've said you discussed contraception and he was really supportive. Also, he suggested a great solution - you stop the injections and he uses condoms - but you went and got another injection.

You need to get back to your GP and insist that you want this sorted out, now.

As a PP suggested, there is medication that can stop you bleeding, which might be worth exploring. There are other non hormonal methods of contraception and combining some of these - condoms, a diaphram or contraceptive sponge, plus withdrawal or rhythm method should be effective.

And I'd be really surprised if you're not anaemic. That's worth bringing up at your GP visit too.

Can I go to a fpc in another area? Would be different health authority to where I live (as we dont have them) so.I wasn't sure. If I can, that's definitely an option.

I feel quite upset that dp is still annoyed with me over my silly comment. It didn't mean I wasn't 'into' sex but that's how he's taken it.I thought he'd accepted my apologies at the time. Bit hurt he's brought it up again.

I've had norethisterone which is the stuff that stops bleeding. Had it a few months ago. It's amazing for a fortnight. No bleeding at all.

However then you get the period from hell. I.was passing huge clots,changing tampon and towel hourly. Pretty horrendous.

And then it just went back to how it is now.

Yeah, fair enough to be annoyed about that! He does seem a bit inclined to sabotage the times you do have - is he annoyed about you not stopping the injection last time?

Ugh, poor you, but I would hope (again, take gp advice) that if the cause of the bleeding was removed ie you'd stopped the injection, then it might actually dry it up Rather than postpone it.

Yonic is right, for someone not happy with the situation he is sabotaging your opportunities and solutions so don't be to ready to take on all the responsibility yourself for lack of sex.

How the heck are you meant to be spontaneous if you have no option BUT to plan when you see each other?

Sorry meant to add that he has to lower his expectations about being "spontaneous"

I think by spontaneous at moment he feels like we only have at best a couple of chances a month, sometimes only one (certainly over Xmas I've not stayed at his at all) and it's a lot of pressure, whereas if we had more opportunities it wouldn't all be on that one time, if neither of us felt up to it we could leave it fir another few days or week til the next opportunity, rather than another month or longer.

Re my GP, they weren't going to give me the coil last time (cos I was still bleeding). My options were to stop, or gave another injection. GP was adamant bleeding would stop after this injection. I spoke to DP and we agreed I should give it a last try. Of course the GP was wrong!

Well if you don't live together and you can't do it at your place then you have to do it at his on the once a week you go there. So what if that's 'pre-planned'? I would have thought that was a good thing but even if he doesn't, he hasn't got much choice.

You have had good advice re the contraception so hopefully that will help but there seem to be so many reasons/excuses not to have sex I wonder if you two are compatible (teenagers, thin walls, sheets, arm ache, getting up early.)

If you were both gagging for it you would find a way.

What was the silly comment? You keep coming back to it. Is there a reason you are not actually saying what the comment was?

Bleeding everywhere doesn't make you feel that sexy or attractive. I do still want sex, but I'm always conscious of that. It's hard to relax in that situation.

I'm not prepared to have sex in earshot of my DC. I'm already expecting them to adjust to another person in our home, and I don't think hearing us having sex would help.

We are both in our 40s. He doesn't want sex daily, nor do I. I really don't think we're incompatibile, we're just in a difficult situation that hopefully we can find a solution to.

No rest, she has said.

I think I said above it was about shopping, I cant even remember the exact comment, but it was something like how I had to remember to go and buy x from a particular shop now the sales were on, i think.i also mentioned something I had to return. A silly, inane comment. Wish I hadn't said it.

I had trouble with hormonal contraception and irregular bleeding. At one point they wanted me on the regular pill plus the mini pill which was just adding to the problem I thought.
Copper coil has been a godsend! 4 days a month of maybe slightly heavier periods but then the rest there is no irregular bleeding and my cycle is spot on every 28 days.
It's trial and error I'm afraid, give it a try good luck x

No parents of teenagers would be able to have sex if they couldn't do it on the quiet at home!

as a simple practical solution, if you get a cap, then it effectively catches all the blood and you are free to have sex and enjoy it. It is a bit messy when you remove it, but that is fine. (you usually keep it in over night anyway, so can remove in the shower.

Do I have to get a cap from gp? (please excuse my ignorance!)

What about one of those sponge things?

I would be really upset if DP made a random football or "what shall I have for dinner dinner" type comment during sex so I see where he is coming from. Only a year into a relationship I understand why he is disappointed with once a month scheduled sex.

Can you buy a thick dark blanket that you put on the bed for sex, remove to sleep, wash after Each use thing, doesn't matter if it gets stained? My ex and me used to have sex on top of all the covers on a thick double layered fleece blanket when I was bleeding. It worked pretty well and is less unsexy then it sounds.

Or sex in the shower seems the obvious solutions? Pretty easy, everything stays clean. It's fun and you can still choose between a few different positions.

cap is usually fitted at family planning clinic. They should be fine for you to use in conjunction with other contraception

I had this problem on cerazette. The problem with other forms of intimacy is the mess is even more icky. Fortunately, neither me nor DH has a problem with having sex when I'm bleeding. It's not ideal, but it's fine. However, my DH and I have been together for a long time so we're less coy about these things! In the early days of a relationship I can see why you wouldn't be so keen. I really think you need to press for exploring other forms of contraception.

I also second that your coyness about having sex when your teenagers are in the house is a problem. They know you're having sex, if you can be quiet then it shouldn't stop you. Frankly, even if they do hear it on occasion, it's not going to damage them for life.

As for your partner being annoyed at your comment? Well sure, I'd be a bit pissed off if my DH started waffling on about shopping during sex, it's a bit of a passion killer, but it's not a big deal and he shouldn't be making a big deal of it after the event. He sounds a bit grumpy and selfish from the information you've provided on this thread.