Inappropriate content shown to a child. Help me deal with it.

[ThisHasToStop]

So, this evening my husband decides to show my 7y old daughter a new clip from Sia (elastic heart).

I am fuming. He's been known to do this before. Last time was on Christmas day, Avatar, in my absence (I was driving to bring family to ours). I previously said that I can reluctantly agree to the 10y old watching this with an adult (so my husband), but said clearly this is not OK for 7y old DD. Most upsetting similar example was Grave of the Fireflies, which he was showing to DD when she was 6. I stopped it after 15mins but even so she still had nightmares associated with the grim content.

But Sia for me takes this to a whole new level. Previous clip (Chandelier) was unsettling enough, and already had sexual subtext. But this one is just paedophilia.

DD didn't seem interested in the clip, so confronting there and then in front of the kids didn't seem like a good idea to me. Then I had to leave, and when came back, husband was already asleep. So the difficult conversation will happen tomorrow. Not a bad thing, gives me time to prepare.

For context, relationship is in a bad state anyway. But at this point I'm asking for help with framing the difficult discussion.

Also considering educating DD on what's appropriate. Even if she is not strong enough to confront daddy, then at least she'll have some nagging voice in her head about what's right. She already knows about movie ratings.

Sigh.

I think you're the one with the issues OP, you are wildly over exaggerating and treating your husband like your subordinate.

Sorry - can't begin to see how that is paedophilia. It is a bit hysterical and exaggerating to react in that way in my view.

The child dancer comes across as the powerful one and it is utterly non-sexual.

Personally, I don't think it is particularly scary; I agree with the description of it as angry and a bit unsettling.

And nudity or near nudity isn't inherently child inappropriate - human bodies are a fact of life. The issue with nudity being inappropriate for children is sexualisation and a sexual context.

My DH & I have watched it a few times today and have been talking about it. As we're in the UK, we mightn't have come across what Maddy Ziegler (the child) is actually famous for in the US, appearing on a transfixing show called Dance Moms.

She's the daughter of a modern dance school owner and most of the work she has done in that context up until now is what a lot of us would find far more age-inappropriate than the Sia videos - lots of adultification and sexualisation of little girls, to the point where even the judges in one of the competitions pulled one of the children up on her hyper-sexualised dance piece. Brilliantly, the other "Dance Moms" HATE Maddie for getting the Chandelier job, although the children themselves just seem to think it's great.

And you should see the VENOM coming out of the other Dance Moms over Elastic Hearts. :)

But in these Sia videos she is explicitly playing a CHILD not a small, sexy woman as she does in her "normal" dance career. I think this is a LOT better.

I only got half way through the video before I got bored and switched off, partly because the song was hurting my ears.

It's a bit weird and pretentious but I don't think I'll be losing any sleep over it being paedophilia.

OP: you need to get some help. You are massively overreacting and storing up a lot of trouble both for yourself and your DD, let alone your marriage.
If you are neurotic enough to see sex and paedophilia in every aspect of modern culture, you are going to give your DD some very unhealthy attitudes - that everything is frightening and disgusting, and that her father is an idiot who needs to be kept under control.

If your paranoia stems from something upsetting that happened to you in your younger days, it's time to get help to let go of whatever it was and move on.

No, it's not paedophilia. No, Avatar is appropriate watching for young children - for godsake, my nephew is just 4 and is crazy about The Lord of the Rings (at least parts of it) and Star Wars.

The problem is yours. Not your husband's.

However, that said, Grave of the Fireflies has got to be the grimmest film animation film ever made. It is beautiful, but it's not a film for children, I think.

Nonetheless, I doubt that your husband realised that it would upset your child. We have all watched films at ages when we were too young to understand and perhaps been upset by them (in my case, Disney's Bambi and Fantasia spring to mind). It's not the end of the world. And it's something that both of you, as parents, need to discuss. Your husband is not a child - he's your child's father.

You don't need a degree in dance theory nor the biography of the performers to decide if something is suitable for children. To a 7 yo these two could easily appear to be naked. I would not want a child to see this video as it shows a child and a grown man writhing around, apparently naked. I don't care about the art or the backstory, I would not want to normalise that situation for children in any way, shape or form.

They are not naked. They are wearing leotards. Any child would see this. And children would not see it as a potentially sexual situation. Most likely they'd be bored by the weird dancing and the lack of a plot.

"We have all watched films at ages when we were too young to understand and perhaps been upset by them (in my case, Disney's Bambi and Fantasia spring to mind)"

Oh god, Watership Down, the movie. When the screen goes all blood red? I still shudder even now, I think my poor DM had to deal with the nightmares for weeks.

Anyway.

What I think is weird about this is that people seem to be giving children adult views on the situation? I mean, the average child doesn't understand 'sexy'. I think it's unhealthy that we're raising children in a world where being 'sexy' is the ultimate goal for a women, because children grow up, and the basic harmlessness of Miley Cyrus for a 7 year old now is maybe not going to be so harmless when the message is deeply ingrained and she's 16. But at 7, she doesn't see it. They don't look for 'sexy' like we do.

So while you CAN, in theory and in a wider social context, see something in this video that relates to sex or paedophilia, I really don't see that a child would. And I also don't see any other message in the video that would be damaging to a little girl. What they see is some kooky dancing another little girl is doing with a man. There are some adult emotional themes in it, sure - but so there are in many things, and again, I'm not sure a child will really bother with those. It's a simple and familiar story really and if you wanted to you could quite easily explain it to a kid. It's a little girl playfighting with her daddy as she grows up, and one day she goes to live in the big wide world on her own. The end!

I don't agree that any child would see they are wearing leotards.

Of course children would not see this as a potentially sexual situation, because children are not able to recognise sexual situations. That's why it's important to normalise boundaries between adult men and children and not to normalise near-naked writhing.

Watching a clip is not "normalising" anything. Children are surrounded by, well, everything that goes on in society, and you can't really shelter them from it (and I don't think it would be healthy in any way). What matters is talking to children about how they shouldn't allow anyone to touch them in intimate places and how they should tell their parents about anyone who wants to touch them or be naked in front of them and so on. But watching a video clip is not going to turn a child into paedophile bait.

The OP might want to talk to her child about it, but to be honest I don't think that the child has inferred from the video clip that it's normal to be naked with an adult man. By that rule of thumb, children would believe that people can fly like Superman and so on.

At no point does the man touch the child in a way that would be inappropriate for a friend or relative to touch the child.

At no point does the man make the child do anything the child doesn't want to do.

At no point is there any focus on anyones genital area.

At no point is the child presented as an object of sexual desire.

I am happy to normalise men touching children in safe ways that the child is happy with. In fact, I encourage it, as I think it's important to know what 'good' is, to help you recognise 'bad'.

Good lord, its clearly not peadophilia. Way to minimise what actually IS!

My take from the photo was two people (father/daughter/two selfs of one person) fighting, and trying to build trust.

That's why it's important to normalise boundaries between adult men and children and not to normalise near-naked writhing.

OMG.

For heaven's sake. I expect your local store is fresh out of cotton wool.

Watching a clip is not "normalising" anything.

Of course it is. It says "my dad thinks this is fine". You can do a fair amount of sheltering and you can certainly avoid showing things to your children as if is perfectly normal for children and adult men to behave like this.

Children do learn that people can't fly like Superman, usually by repeatedly jumping off walls. How do you suppose they would learn when it's okay to be naked with an adult man?

Because their parents tell them? Because the people in the video are not really naked? Because it's, well, a video, and children can tell the difference between reality and fantasy?

Florafox you are embarrassing yourself.

Children do learn that people can't fly like Superman, usually by repeatedly jumping off walls. How do you suppose they would learn when it's okay to be naked with an adult man?

1. Children don't learn people can't fly by jumping off walls. They learn that they can't fly because they ...er... can't fly.

1. The man isn't naked in the video. The girl is very obviously not naked and wearing a tabard.

1. The video is very obviously a dramatic pop video with a bog standard cage of the kind you get in every home. Easily mistaken by a 7 year old for real life.

1. I hope you don't take your children to the beach. THE HORRORS. MY EYES. MY EYES.

Utterly utterly ridiculous way of thinking.

Right-o. What's the fantasy element here you think will be clear to children?

I don't know - the fact that it shows a girl and a man dressed in nude leotards (and a tabard, in the case of the girl), dancing around in dead earnest, making dramatic gestures - as you do? In an enormous cage against a white backdrop - the sort of décor that everyone has in their living room?

I hope you never let your children come near a Kate Bush video because you're going to throw a fit.

LOL @ DistanceCall

Sias other video Chandellier is quite similar but minus the man and the cage. Both are definitely more pop art than anything. There is no appropriate touching in the videos. They come across as a child who has emotional difficulties and feels tormented or is just struggling with growing up.

Dustancecall you said Because their parents tell them?

The not so subtle messages of mass media may well drown out parents voices. Did you spend a lot of time listening to your parents views, I didn't!

... children can tell the difference between reality and fantasy?

I am really not sure they can. Not always. And we are not talking here about teenagers etc but quite young children.

But that is not the whole story. It's not just about what is normalised for children is it? It is what society normalises as well.

FloraFox you are talking a lot of sense - IMHO.

This is all getting a bit bun-fighty! And there is no need. I am assuming we are trying to help the OP to think about these films and music videos for herself!

There are a lot of very harmful messages given to young children, and society in general. I know lots of people are talking about the 'art' in this clip, that's an opinion. Just because some of us have a different view, doesn't mean we are wanting to wrap our kids in cotton wool.

Now you're clearly being obtuse. The question was what the fantasy is, what does it mean? It would obviously be meaningless to children as a fantasy.

I wonder if some people here actually know any children or bother talking to them. They don't think like miniature adults.

"Of course it is. It says "my dad thinks this is fine". You can do a fair amount of sheltering and you can certainly avoid showing things to your children as if is perfectly normal for children and adult men to behave like this. "

Woah wait up what is not normal about the man and child behaving like this?

There are things that are not 'normal' - I'm thinking the giant cage. Leotards, and I guess the fact that it's a lengthy, choreographed dance routine,probably not common unless you're in a family of dancers.

But in terms of the physical actions between the man and the child, I honestly see nothing at all that could not be seen between a regular man and a regular child who are close. I mean, I really don't. What are you seeing that is abnormal?