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Original poster

I have been very foolish

406 replies

Simbathecat · 11/01/2015 00:15

I have just returned from a week abroad to attend my mums wedding to her partner, I went without my husband as he is working away.

I've had a lovely week with my mum and all of their friends and on my last night I was jokingly saying I'd been in bed by 10pm each night when the barman offered to take me to a club if I wanted. Mums partner has been coming to the island for 15+years and the general consensus was he was a "good guy". However I had had a lot to drink and no one thought it was a good idea for me to go. I was taken back to my room and made to promise to stay in. However very drunk and in the party mood all reason and common sense went out the window and I went anyway. I was not interested in this man whatsoever and naively thought he was my friend (him knowing my mums partner etc).

The inevitable happened and he had sex with me that wasn't consensual. I repeatedly said no, asked him to leave but he would not listen. I eventually left myself and got help from friends staying in the same building.

I have told my husband and he is devastated and very angry with me. He says that regardless of whether the rape happened or not my very act of meeting the man showed disrespect to myself, him and our marriage. He is of course correct.

He isn't home for another week and a half and I don't know how to fix this.

I can't believe I've been so foolish and naive to have put myself so obviously in danger and jeopardised my relationship.

Although there was evidence he had used protection I have taken emergency contraception and I will need to lie to work on Monday to make a humiliating visit to the health clinic.

OP posts:
FairPhyllis · 11/01/2015 14:41

Just wanted to add:

OP perhaps going out for the evening with someone else is crossing a boundary in your marriage. Perhaps under normal circumstances it would be normal for your partner to be a bit miffed (I can't believe he'd be this horrible over just that normally unless he is just a total bastard all the time.)

However any unhappiness that your husband might have felt about that normally should now be COMPLETELY and TOTALLY superseded by the fact that you have been raped, ffs.

It's the equivalent of having a go at you for forgetting to pay the TV licence when your house has just burned down. Anything that is not to do with fixing the burned down house is just irrelevant right now.

You have every right to expect that your husband steps up and gives you the support you need right now instead of blaming you and acting out. You have every right to make emotional and practical demands of him in a situation as serious as this, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You are the most important person right now. Do not be afraid to stand up and tell him what you need of him right now.

If he comes back to you with anything less than an abject apology and genuine willingness to support you and put you first, it may not be worth having him back. You haven't jeopardised the relationship. He has, by his disgusting attitude to you.

Chippednailvarnish · 11/01/2015 14:42

lilmiss this thread is not representative of people I know in RL and their attitudes to rape and rapists. Thank God.

FunkyBoldRibena · 11/01/2015 14:42

I had gone out drinking and danced with a few people and one person took that and made me think that I deserved what I got. Some of the posts on here have reminded me why I still haven't told anyone in RL.

Nobody on here has said that she deserved it. Nobody.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 11/01/2015 14:42

littlemiss

You didn't deserve it and it wasn't your fault. I believe you. Flowers

differentnameforthis · 11/01/2015 14:44

lilmisslibrarian Flowers You are NOT to blame. I am so sorry that you feel you cannot even confide in your dh.

That makes me sad & angry all at once.

lemisscared · 11/01/2015 14:45

A question for the OP. Do you think Ched Evans' victim brought it upon herself?

No, of course you don't

Your DH is a cunt!

My DP would have been cross with me for putting myself in harms way, he would however have been more cross with my family for allowing it, although it would be the sort anger a parent feels for a child that runs out in the road. How dare he say you disrespected him.

You said no, he raped you and should face the consequences of this.

differentnameforthis · 11/01/2015 14:45

Nobody on here has said that she deserved it. Nobody.

Implied plenty though, by those pulling part her behavior.

FunkyBoldRibena · 11/01/2015 14:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BathtimeFunkster · 11/01/2015 14:53

How do you avoid getting raped?

You can't "avoid getting raped".

And people like you who like to pretend that it's possible and give endless advice on the matter to rape victims are victim blaming.

HouseWhereNobodyLives · 11/01/2015 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

differentnameforthis · 11/01/2015 14:58

How do you avoid getting raped if you are not willing to take any responsibility for your own actions?

How it is not ordinary to go out drinking when married? I didn't agree to love my dh though better or for worse & never drink without him again! Not at any point in my relationship has it been expected/implied that I am no longer allowed a life, unless dh is 100% involved in my every action.

Don't go clubbing with men you don't know? There are ALWAYS going to be men you don't know in a club/pub, so are you suggesting that women don't go to these places?

Are you telling me that (if you are married) that you do not go anywhere where there are men? You don't get drunk anywhere where there are men you don't know.

Can you not understand that OUR actions do NOT get us raped?

The actions of the rapist are what get us raped.

differentnameforthis · 11/01/2015 14:59

she made the decision to take a chance Why are you still blaming her?

lilmisslibrarian · 11/01/2015 15:01

funky
I never said anyone here said she deserved if you read my post the person who made me feel I deserved it was the guy who attacked me.

Thanks everyone else for the flowers and support.

BathtimeFunkster · 11/01/2015 15:02

Men you know are more likely to rape you than men you don't know.

So if "avoiding rape" is your game, you can't go anywhere there are men.

Or stay at home.

Chippednailvarnish · 11/01/2015 15:02

Funky I am speechless at the outdated, prejudiced opinions you have stated on this thread. I can't see how your posts are meant to support someone dealing with the aftermath of being raped. Shameful.

lemisscared · 11/01/2015 15:05

See, personally, had that been my daughter and I had concerns enough to take her home to prevent her being alone with my "friend" (nice friends she has!!) I would have bloody stayed with her and made sure she got to bed before i left her (my dd1 is 24 and lives away from home but i would have done this) or would have made it crystal clear to my "friend" who obviously sounds like he has form to leave her the fuck alone. In fact, the friend in this instance would be dead or nursing a removed penis had he done this to my DD, but it would seem that the OP has been let down by everyone around her, from her family to her DH.

Italiangreyhound · 11/01/2015 15:05

lilmisslibrarian I am so sorry for your experience.

Are all these comments about going out and clubbing and drinking really trying to say that they think OP was not asking to be raped But that she was implying she wanted to have sex? Is that the distinction people are trying to make, if any?

Because if you want to suggest that then that too is a very scary suggestion.

I've never heard men accused of going out asking for sex because of how they dressed or where they went, e.g. to a club.

lemisscared · 11/01/2015 15:07

Actually would like to retract my comments from my previous post about the OP putting herself in harms way, as my post there ^^ states, her family should have protected her, had she been that drunk she should not have been left.Its not like she has gone out alone or with a group of random aquaintances. She was clearly plastered so could have fallen, vommited etc. Id have a low opinion of anyone who left a person in that state, let alone their parents.

Italiangreyhound · 11/01/2015 15:08

Sorry lilmisslibrarian my comment to you was I am so sorry for your experience.

My other comment was for anyone in general.

EdSheeransGString · 11/01/2015 15:10

I completely stand by what I said in the beginning, her dh is a fucking twat.

I completely agree with everything house has written throughout this thread.

Vivacia · 11/01/2015 15:12

How do you avoid getting raped if you are not willing to take any responsibility for your own actions?

Was I raped because I didn't take responsibility for my actions?

Could someone please provide me with how I can prevent myself ring raped, because I'm starting to suspect it's as easy as not getting drunk. Only, I was sober when I was raped.

FunkyBoldRibena · 11/01/2015 15:14

You don't get drunk anywhere where there are men you don't know.

Well, no I don't drink. But that is beside the point.

I would have bloody stayed with her and made sure she got to bed before i left her

She was taken back to the room and they made her promise not to go.

Are all these comments about going out and clubbing and drinking really trying to say that they think OP was not asking to be raped But that she was implying she wanted to have sex? Is that the distinction people are trying to make, if any?

No, that's just you.

The actions of the rapist are what get us raped.

Indeed.

FunkyBoldRibena · 11/01/2015 15:16

Was I raped because I didn't take responsibility for my actions?

In the context of this thread, obviously.

Italiangreyhound · 11/01/2015 15:19

Funky I said Are all these comments about going out and clubbing and drinking really trying to say that they think OP was not asking to be raped But that she was implying she wanted to have sex? Is that the distinction people are trying to make, if any? and you replied

No, that's just you.

I am most definitely not saying that at all!

I am trying to understand why so many posters are commenting on going to a club, wearing a party dress, going with someone you do not know well but who you think is known to a family member, being drunk etc.

I am trying to understand why the OP's husband would find all this so much more of an issue to deal with then providing sympathy and support.

I am not implying that her doing these things made it look like she was expecting anything to happen, and I think you know that. Funky

differentnameforthis · 11/01/2015 15:20

The actions of the rapist are what get us raped.

Indeed.

So why are you urging women to take responsibility for their actions?

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