I have been very foolish

[Simbathecat]

I have just returned from a week abroad to attend my mums wedding to her partner, I went without my husband as he is working away.

I've had a lovely week with my mum and all of their friends and on my last night I was jokingly saying I'd been in bed by 10pm each night when the barman offered to take me to a club if I wanted. Mums partner has been coming to the island for 15+years and the general consensus was he was a "good guy". However I had had a lot to drink and no one thought it was a good idea for me to go. I was taken back to my room and made to promise to stay in. However very drunk and in the party mood all reason and common sense went out the window and I went anyway. I was not interested in this man whatsoever and naively thought he was my friend (him knowing my mums partner etc).

The inevitable happened and he had sex with me that wasn't consensual. I repeatedly said no, asked him to leave but he would not listen. I eventually left myself and got help from friends staying in the same building.

I have told my husband and he is devastated and very angry with me. He says that regardless of whether the rape happened or not my very act of meeting the man showed disrespect to myself, him and our marriage. He is of course correct.

He isn't home for another week and a half and I don't know how to fix this.

I can't believe I've been so foolish and naive to have put myself so obviously in danger and jeopardised my relationship.

Although there was evidence he had used protection I have taken emergency contraception and I will need to lie to work on Monday to make a humiliating visit to the health clinic.

Her husband has blamed her for the rape.

And your position is to support him.

Exactly!!

No. Not one person has said it was her fault she was raped because she went out with that man.

Some have said it might have crossed the boundaries of her relationship to go out with a man as she did and tgat that might explain her husband's initial reaction.

Let's just be clear. I don't think it was her fault she got raped. I don't think she should have gone but not because it put her at risk of being raped. If she hadn't been raped I would still think she shouldn't have gone. But not because of rape.

If this man had been intent on raping someone that night, he'd have found a way regardless because he's a rapist.

I don't think the op should have gone because she is married and she went out with a man she didn't know. Not a friend, a family friend or a trusted friend of her parents. Just a man she didn't know but that her mum's partner did know because he worked in the hotel bar he'd frequented whilst on holiday. The fact she didn't know him isn't relevant to the rape, but might explain her husband wondering why she was out with him.

Again, ironic that the posters saying Op is not being supported are the ones derailing it.

Not derailing, challenging Rape Myths as part of the We Believe You campaign

So you think it is acceptable for her dh to ask her if she was wearing her wedding ring? Inferring that by wearing it, her attacker wouldn't have "had sex with her", because he would have know she was married? When in reality, it wouldn't have made a difference because she was raped (while wearing her ring)

Sounds like her dh thinks, deep down, that it was a consensual encounter, if you are happy to support that, then so be it. But my dh would be out on his ear for inferring that I may have invited this by not wearing my wedding ring (I don't, btw, after 20yrs of marriage, it doesn't fit & I would not expect my dh to blame me for not wearing it if I were raped)

Well I would not be happy with my husband going out alone, with a barrmaid he'd just met, for a night out. I would....I trust him. If she attacked him, she would be to blame, not him.

I don't think the op should have gone because she is married and she went out with a man she didn't know. And there it is...criticizing her behavior, that to me is victim blaming.

Can a man not be trusted to take a woman for a drink without raping her?

Do women really have to say no to any encounter with a man in case he rapes her?

Are men little boys who cannot control themselves, so we need to do it for them?

Perhaps he was asking whether she had her wedding ring on when she went out for the evening with a man she'd only just met rather than if she was wearing her wedding ring when she was raped...

he can't ask one without asking the other because the man in question RAPED her on the night in question.

You seem To think that there is some way to separate out the part where she went out with a rapist from the rape.

There isn't.

Not unless you are prepared to behave like an absolute shit to someone who has just been raped.

And TBH I would think it was weird and controlling to be that worked up about her going out clubbing with a friendly local known to her step father, even if he hadn't raped her.

If there had been no rape, why would he be so pissed off?

Is it really OK to start quizzing your wife if she was branded as such when she went out in public?

Even if she had her tongue down his throat she still wasn't asking to be raped.

At least one person has said she had to think about the messages she was sending and that she'd failed in her duty of care to herself. That was very explicit blaming.

Yes.

It is a jungle out there. If you get drunk, and then go to clubs with people you do not know, in foreign countries, when others have already warned you not to - there is always going to be a chance that someone you encounter will take advantage of you.

It's not right - but it is the world we live in.

Can a man not be trusted to take a woman for a drink without raping her?

No, evidently not. Because he raped her. Remember?

Wow me and the dog have just woken up from a very long nap and I've checked the thread. The overall message I'm picking up is that it wasn't my fault and I do get that - it's totally sunk in. I agree that there are two issues to deal with (probably more...) I've been raped and I fully intend to seek out counselling etc for me (I suggested would be a good idea for dh too). Second issue is why I was there. Regardless of how innocent my intentions I believe it isn't appropriate for me, a married women, to go out with a man I don't know very well. I would not like it had the roles been reversed. I don't think that makes either dh or I jealous or possessive. I've known for sometime I don't have a good relationship with alcohol so I would like to address that also.

It was heartbreaking to read those of you who have suffered a similar fate, thank you for sharing and I'm so sorry it happened to you.

I sent dh a message this morning basically saying I understood his feelings but he must know that I have never gone out (this time or before) with the intention of disrespecting our marriage or seeking attentions from anyone else. I said what happened wasn't my fault. I said that he had mechanically told me he was sorry for what had happened and would be there for me but at that moment in time I hadn't felt more alone. We had a long telephone call afterwards and I think his initial shock/ anger is wearing off and I feel much better about us. He says he does love me and was sorry he'd been unable to show it yesterday.

I realise topics like this bring up the opportunity for healthy debate and I think everyone is entitled to their opinion. I have honestly found it helpful to come here to seek advice.

Even the tiniest bit of I told you so is victim blaming And the below amounts to an 'I told you so'

my very act of meeting the man showed disrespect to myself, him and our marriage - Her dh

You are a married woman, and you let another man take you to a club.How is your husband supposed to know that you had no interest in him? ... I don't think your husband is being an 'arsehole' at all.

if you are aware that alcohol has that effect on you then try to bear it in mind for future reference.

I'm not sure agreeing to go out to a club with a barman you met whilst drunk at a wedding after said wedding counts as a casual drink. I wouldn't do that if I was married

but because she is married and the situation seemed inappropriate, and she was drunk and they didn't think it was a wise move because he was only a friend of a friend and she is married.

You're married and shouldn't have gone out with this man,

The rapist was not a family friend...He was a barman in the holiday hotel...He was not a trusted family friend.

getting incredibly drunk and going to a club with another man when married [when the husband is off working] - does indeed look as if it may have given off the wrong signals.

Need I go on? ALL victim blaming bullshit. Pulling apart op's behavior & saying 'you shouldn't have done that [because then you wouldn't have been raped]' victim blaming bullshit.

simba I am so sorry for what has happened to you. This was not your fault do not blame yourself!

Concentrate on you and dealing with what has happened rather than reading unhelpful comments that may make you feel like this was in anyway your fault or how you could have prevented it from happening.

This man was someone who you thought you could trust and could be seen as a friend. The only actions you are guilty of are being very drunk and wanting to party. I trust everyone I meet when I am drunk and have never stopped to think they could have bad intentions or try to harm me in anyway. I can honestly say had I been you I probably would have done exactly the same thing.

I hope you are as ok as you can be and you are getting the help and support you need.

Thinking of you.

Funky - ffs. He raped her because he was a rapist. But not all men are rapists. I've gone clubbing with men without my dh being present. They didn't rape me. How was the op meant to know he was a rapist?

Nobody know who is or isn't a rapist. That's the point. Which is why drinking heavily, and going out to a club with someone that you do not know is risky.

No, evidently not. Because he raped her. Remember? So what? Woman have to be come prisoners in their own homes & never cross a man again, because the poor wee men can't be trusted to not be led astray by predatory women who go out for a drink with them, who then get upset when the poor out of control man is forced by the woman to put his penis inside her when she says no, because being married to another man, being in a party dress, being drunk is too much temptation?

Bollocks.

I have partied hard with many a man. With dh & with female friends.

I was not raped. None of us were. Because the men we were around (in clubs, pubs, taxis, inc drivers) were not rapists.

Men don't rape because a woman in a party dress tempts them, or because a married woman tempts them, or a drunk woman tempts them. They rape because they are rapists.

That's very good to hear, Simba. Very best of luck working this all out. Make sure you ask for as much support as you need.

It's also why ever being around any men if you are a woman is so dangerous.

Most dangerous of all - being in your own home with a man you know.

Please, nobody EVER be so foolhardy as to put yourself in THAT situation.

Of course, the rape won't be your fault. Oh no, of course not.

But if you want to talk about it you'll have to expect people to keep asking you how you could take a risk like being in the company of a man in your home.

I have found some of the posts on this thread deeply upsetting. I was sexually assaulted 8 years ago and have never told anyone not even my DH who I didn't know then because I was worried about what people would say to me. I had gone out drinking and danced with a few people and one person took that and made me think that I deserved what I got. Some of the posts on here have reminded me why I still haven't told anyone in RL.
Bloody shameful

Simbathecat I am pleased you have made progress with your dh.

Nobody know who is or isn't a rapist. That's the point. Which is why drinking heavily, and going out to a club with someone that you do not know is risky.

So how do you deal with those 'risks' Funky?

Never drink.

Certainly, never go to a club - they're jam packed with potential rapists.

And as for leaving the house with someone you don't know. Well, you're right, I personally never go out unless I'm accompanied by someone I've known for at least 10 years. And I check their references too.

Can't you see how those kinds of comments put the blame on women, for participating in perfectly ordinary behaviour, as opposed to putting the blame on rapists? It is not up to us to withdraw from public life. It is up to men to not rape.