I have been very foolish

[Simbathecat]

I have just returned from a week abroad to attend my mums wedding to her partner, I went without my husband as he is working away.

I've had a lovely week with my mum and all of their friends and on my last night I was jokingly saying I'd been in bed by 10pm each night when the barman offered to take me to a club if I wanted. Mums partner has been coming to the island for 15+years and the general consensus was he was a "good guy". However I had had a lot to drink and no one thought it was a good idea for me to go. I was taken back to my room and made to promise to stay in. However very drunk and in the party mood all reason and common sense went out the window and I went anyway. I was not interested in this man whatsoever and naively thought he was my friend (him knowing my mums partner etc).

The inevitable happened and he had sex with me that wasn't consensual. I repeatedly said no, asked him to leave but he would not listen. I eventually left myself and got help from friends staying in the same building.

I have told my husband and he is devastated and very angry with me. He says that regardless of whether the rape happened or not my very act of meeting the man showed disrespect to myself, him and our marriage. He is of course correct.

He isn't home for another week and a half and I don't know how to fix this.

I can't believe I've been so foolish and naive to have put myself so obviously in danger and jeopardised my relationship.

Although there was evidence he had used protection I have taken emergency contraception and I will need to lie to work on Monday to make a humiliating visit to the health clinic.

Differentname - can we stick to the facts? Do you think anybody thinks women shouldn't go out drinking without their husbands where there are other men around? This isn't what happened. She went a club with a man, just the two of them, when hopelessly drunk.

THIS DOES NOT MEAN SHE IS ANYWAY TO BLAME FOR THIS BASTARD'S ACTIONS. THAT IS NOT MY POINT! MY POINT IS ONLY THIS:

Her husband was being called a twat when he had just been given some huge, distrubing, shocking, unexpected news and was processing it. And that many spouses as a separate issue would be upset or angry to hear their very drunk dw/dh had gone out alone with a bar worker to a club.

So he had an awful lot to process very quickly.

People sometimes don't react in exactly the right way at the right time - what matters is how he supports (or doesn't) OP now.

If he doesn't support her then that is extremely worrying and I don't see how the marriage can continue? (Sorry OP).

I don't want to be lumped in with people who say because a woman was drunk or behaved in this or that way she was in any way to blame. Rape is rape and only the rapist is to blame - no grey areas ever.

One time I was babysitting and my friend's boss (who I did not realise she was having an affair with) turned up. I know him as a friend to her family (I thought) as well as her boss, and offered him a drink. When it was time for him to leave he tried to kiss me. The kids were asleep upstairs and I was scared but managed to get him out of the house. I was quite young at the time.

I felt really bad for offering him a drink!

I have no idea if anything worse could have happened.

Really there are so many situations where things could happen. When we might feel bad, might feel we had contributed to things happening.

I am trying to say that women can easily tie themselves up in knots thinking if they had done things differently etc.

I hope your DH is able to be more supportive. I imagine he is angry and misdirecting it, it's an awful situation for you both. Take your time to get your heads around it, there is no normal way and you may you have a bit of a delayed response. I did, in a similar situation, only I wasn't out with the person, I used their toilet and was sick and passed out. I woke up and was undressed. Like you I do feel it was stupid to end up in that state but we shouldn't expect anyone to take advantage in that way, it is disgusting and there is no grey area. My DH wouldn't have sex with me unless he knew I wanted it and was an active participant, he's not even happy with me doing it for his benefit only. Men shouldn't think anything is acceptable except for enthusiastic consent, it is this lack of respect for women that is evident in cases like Ched Evans.

Many years ago i was a bit of a wild child and got myself into a few scrapes. Once i took a guy back to my friends house, for sex - i was paralytic drunk, so was he. By the time i got back to my friends house I had sobered up a bit and didn't want to have sex with this person - he tried not to take no for an answer - he got a kick in the face for his efforts (God i loved those boots!) and went on his way. But no means fucking no and had i not been able to stop him it would have been rape and it would have been his fault, not mine because I said no. Thank God i had sobered up enough to protect myself but i shouldn't had had to!

Lem - I think very very many of us have been in similar situations, esp when younger - horribly drunk and in a vulnerable position. I was also wild in my teens and 20s. Of course those of us who were assaulted and those of us who nearly were or could have been were not to blame no matter what state we were in or how we 'behaved'.

Do you think anybody thinks women shouldn't go out drinking without their husbands where there are other men around?

That has been said on this thread, as has the fact that she shouldn't have gone with him.

It doesn't matter that she went with him. As I have said, I have been taken to a pub by a male friend, I also went clubbing with him.

While married. My dh knew. None of that gives anyone the right to tell me that as a married woman, I shouldn't have done it.

The fact that she went with him isn't actually important. She could have gone to the club & met him there, would that have changed the outcome? No. Would it have changed people's 'advice' (what little there has been) yes, unfortunately.

This man wasn't a stranger that no one knew, he was considered a friend of the family. OP herself said "general consensus was he was a "good guy"

Differentnameforthis - i agree with you wholeheartedly BUT and this is where the principle of the thing gets in the way of common sense.

It is not wise to get yourself so pissed that you cannot take care of yourself, it just isn't - you might be making yourself vulnerable as a victim of a crime (rape or mugging). This advice would go for men as well as women. You might stagger out in front of a car, you might fall and hit your head, you might choke on your own vomit.

So whilst i agree that the only fault here lies with the rapist, it is not necessarily ok to get ourselves in such a state, for many reasons, one of them being the battering our poor livers take - the binge drinking culture that exists just now scares me - i could drink when i was younger, but compared to youngsters (and i dont mean just teens and early 20s - old gimmer here) I would die if i drank that much on a night out.

Paperlace, does that mean it was OK for him to ask if she was wearing her wedding ring? Thereby implying that she took it off to appear ' available' to this guy?

As people have said, shock or no shock, NOTHING justifies asking a victim that!

Differentnameforthis

Truly don't want a barney but...I don't know why you wrote all of that.

I KNOW I AGREE.

Please do read my whole post - nothing she did was 'wrong'.

Nothing she did encouraged or 'caused' her attack.

Nothing.

I am simply, soley, only talking about her husband's reaction.

I don't think it was helpful to demonise him when he might be her biggest and most important support - I and others have said endlessly on here that he now needs to support her 100% and stop the blaming and anger after his initial and if he doesn't...well.

And no I don't agree with her being grilled or asked any questions that imply she in some way encouraged being raped - including questions about her ring.

Can I be clearer?

Why are people determined to see victim blaming where there isn't any (not in any of my posts anyway, ever).

It is not wise to get yourself so pissed that you cannot take care of yourself, it just isn't - This advice would go for men as well as women. You might stagger out in front of a car, you might fall and hit your head, you might choke on your own vomit.

I agree...and I am not arguing that at all!

BUT when you start saying that WOMEN have to not drink/get drunk around MEN because THE MEN cannot be trusted to not RAPE the women, you are putting the responsibility for rape on women. And when/if she gets raped, to tell her that she shouldn't have gone with him, shouldn't have been drunk around him, that it isn't ' appropriate' for a married women to for a drink with a guy, you are blaming her for that rape.

Not on the rapist, where it belongs.

Being drunk doesn't make you vulnerable to rape, being in the company of a rapist does.

Thank God i had sobered up enough to protect myself but i shouldn't had had to!

In a nutshell.

No woman should have to protect herself. No woman should have to think about her actions, sober or drunk. But that is not the world that we inhabit.

I'm sorry paperlace but her husband's reaction was so so wrong, it almost reminds me of a man who is offended because his property has been violated. In fact i think her whole family's behaviour is questionable.

Meeting another man shows disrespect for her husband??? really? REALLY?? She didn't meet another man for any other reason than going out having a dance or whatever, she did not want sex with him and was raped. SHE WAS RAPED!!

Of course he should be angry, but he shoujld be angry on his wife's behalf not angry WITH her. She is not his property

Is it perfectly ordinary behaviour to get drunk when married, and go clubbing with men you don't know?

Yes. Why ever wouldn't it be? My DH, god love him, well let's just say he and clubs aren't really on speaking terms. I like clubbing. I go clubbing. Clubbing being what it is, there are often men in the crowd (let alone in the club) who I don't know.

Doesn't mean any of them have tried to rape me. And - shriek! - I don't even wear a wedding ring.

But Funky THAT IS NOT THE POINT. The point is the OP had the bad luck to be in the company of a rapist on a night he decided to rape. It could have happened at the hotel bar if she hadn't gone to the club. It probably would have happened to someone else if the OP hadn't gone out, come to think of it. Would that be ok? Would that be rape-rape, instead of party-dress-drunk-rape?

Just bloody listen to yourself.

And like I said, I agree that excessive alcohol consumption isn't good for your body, this isn't the thread to be discussing that.

This is about rape. And it doesn't matter what she had drunk. To imply it does matter means that this rape wouldn't have happened if she hadn't been drinking. He would have raped if she had been sober.

If she was just a trusting naive sober teenager, who decided to trust this family friend & got raped, would the majority of posts on here be about how she was ' too trusting' 'as a young girl is it inappropriate to go with him' 'you were silly to be so naive'

That is a good point different, i think it is often dificult to get past the though of a rapist as someone lurking in the shadows. One would hope that any man who is with a woman who had got paralytic drunk would take her home and put her to bed or on the sofa with a cover over her etc. Not take advantage of the situation.

Her husband was being called a twat when he had just been given some huge, distrubing, shocking, unexpected news and was processing it. This is what I was referring to...excusing his vile behaviour by saying he had had a shock.

Why are people determined to see victim blaming where there isn't any (not in any of my posts anyway, ever).

I don't think I said there was (in your posts)

I'm so glad you've managed to talk things through with your DH.

You've both got a lot in front of you re coming to terms with the rape, him best being able to support you, and reiterating your marriage boundaries and building trust again.

I wish you all the best in that

Joysmum - can you explain to me PLEASE why the actual fuck trust needs to be rebuilt Did you actually mean to type that? Unless of course you meant that the OP's dh needs to earn her trust again which he does, for being an unsupportive selfish cunt

Joy, the way you phrased your post makes it look like the op has a lot of work to do to regain the trust of her husband

and it also makes me think that her rape was her punishment for "breaking trust" in the first place

is that what you meant ?