I have been very foolish

[Simbathecat]

I have just returned from a week abroad to attend my mums wedding to her partner, I went without my husband as he is working away.

I've had a lovely week with my mum and all of their friends and on my last night I was jokingly saying I'd been in bed by 10pm each night when the barman offered to take me to a club if I wanted. Mums partner has been coming to the island for 15+years and the general consensus was he was a "good guy". However I had had a lot to drink and no one thought it was a good idea for me to go. I was taken back to my room and made to promise to stay in. However very drunk and in the party mood all reason and common sense went out the window and I went anyway. I was not interested in this man whatsoever and naively thought he was my friend (him knowing my mums partner etc).

The inevitable happened and he had sex with me that wasn't consensual. I repeatedly said no, asked him to leave but he would not listen. I eventually left myself and got help from friends staying in the same building.

I have told my husband and he is devastated and very angry with me. He says that regardless of whether the rape happened or not my very act of meeting the man showed disrespect to myself, him and our marriage. He is of course correct.

He isn't home for another week and a half and I don't know how to fix this.

I can't believe I've been so foolish and naive to have put myself so obviously in danger and jeopardised my relationship.

Although there was evidence he had used protection I have taken emergency contraception and I will need to lie to work on Monday to make a humiliating visit to the health clinic.

[AmantesSuntAmentes]

Simba, I know others have said it but I want to reiterate that there is nothing inevitable about rape.

I'm so sorry this has been done to you and that your dhs reaction hasn't been as helpful as it could have been, so far.

I agree with some, that your dh is probably going through the mill also and not intending to hurt you more than you have been. I can't think of many things worse than a loved one being attacked and i can only imagine the mental dexterity it would entail, to process that rationally.

Take care of yourself over the coming days. Do report this, if you feel able.

There's nothing wrong with asking for your dh to get back home pronto, you know? This is a massive thing to go through alone.

[EdSheeransGString]

Why can't a woman go to a club with a man?

I genuinely don't understand why that wouldn't be OK. I have several male friends who I go out with and nobody has ever batted an eyelid even when I was in a relationship.

I understand that the op didn't know the man very well but I can think of several occasions over the years where I have met people (male and female) in pubs etc and went on to clubs. Why is this not OK?

Going out for a drink does not mean she wanted to have sex with him. Sorry op, I know this may be difficult to read back but I was raped in a very similar situation a few years ago and I had little support from friends or family because I was drunk therfore it was my own fault in their minds. I haven't spoken about this for a long time. It's difficult.

Should women just not interact with men at all? Should women only go to clubs with other women to stop them being raped?

Her husband should not have got angry with her and in my opinion he is bang out of order for implying she may have been lying.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I am firmly in the camp of females should be able to wear what they want, dance how they want and drink what they want without fear of being attacked Don't give other women that respect and thought and not yourself. You have the right to go out, get drunk and have a dance in a party dress.

You said no. Repeatedly. He is a rapist. There was no message. Except for the very clear lack of consent from you.

Your DH may be angry, mourning, lashing out. He is still victim-blaming. I agree with TooMuch. Tell him what happened and what you need and that if he feels he can't face that, he needs to talk to someone about it.

[TooMuchCantBreathe]

Jeepers, no wonder we even have the poor victim trying to victim blame when shite like that ^^ is still doing the rounds.

Anyway, hope you manage to get some sleep Simba. My thoughts are with you

[Topseyt]

Totally agree with Random. I just couldn't seem to word it very well.

Rape is never excusable. You should try to report it.

I doubt your husband knows what to think. To be honest, if my husband took another woman to a club I would not be happy, regardless of whether I thought anything else had happened at all. He wouldn't by the way, just thinking of the other perspective here. I don't think it is fair that your husband is labelled here as an arsehole / twat.

Get counselling and take any medical precautions needed.

Also, if you are aware that alcohol has that effect on you then try to bear it in mind for future reference.

[Italiangreyhound]

Simbathecat I once came out of a night club in a foreign country, drunk at new year and when I saw that the taxi line was very long I got a lift with a total stranger on a motorbike. I personally think that what I did was totally stupid and I would never recommend such an action to anyone else. I was lucky that there was nothing unfortunate that happened from this.

If something had happened it would have been very tragic and still not my fault because accepting a lift is not inviting someone to rape you.

It is not inevitable that these actions will result in an attack.

I think your situation was different to mine because you did think this man was a family friend.

Anyway, I know you are off to bed and me too. I know we are just people listening to you but I hope we can in some way help you.

EdSheeransGString I am so sorry to read of your experience.

Thinking of you both.

[FolkGirl]

I agree with random and topseyt.

I think that if the op hadn't been raped and her husband had just been upset that she'd got drunk and agreed to go to out to a club with a barman from the wedding, then sympathies would lie with the husband. If, in similar circumstances, a woman posted on here saying that her husband had gone to a wedding without her, got drunk and had then gone out with a barmaid he met there, I can't imagine there would be many replies saying he had a right to do that.

However, that you did go does not in anyway mean that you were responsible in any way for what happened. You are not to blame for the rape.

I think your husband's reaction is because he was reacting to two separate pieces of information.

The rape was not your fault.

[FolkGirl]

What I'm trying to say is that his reaction is of someone who probably feels a combination of anger (at the man), frustration (that he is so far away), and betrayal (that you seemingly went on a a date with another man) and not because he's a victim blaming bastard.

[EdSheeransGString]

I must have missed the part where the op described a casual drink with a friend of a friend as a date.

That makes everything alright then. Of course her husband can accuse her of lying and imply it was all her own fault. It must be seeing as she went on a date behind his back

[FolkGirl]

I'm not sure agreeing to go out to a club with a barman you met whilst drunk at a wedding after said wedding counts as a casual drink. I wouldn't do that if I was married and I wouldn't expect my husband to, either.

I also said it wasn't her fault.

But I do think the husband is experiencing a range of emotions in response to two separate aspects of the incident.

[FolkGirl]

Even her friends and family thought it was a bad idea. Presumably not because they thought the man was a rapist, but because she is married and the situation seemed inappropriate, and she was drunk and they didn't think it was a wise move because he was only a friend of a friend and she is married.

Still doesn't mean the rape was her fault. Two separate things.

[Canyouforgiveher]

Folkgirl is saying everything I want to say on this thread - especially about the husband's reaction.

Op, by your account you were raped. please report it and get counselling about it.

[differentnameforthis]

He says that regardless of whether the rape happened or not my very act of meeting the man showed disrespect to myself, him and our marriage. He is of course correct.

No he isn't [correct]. He is however, blaming YOU for the rape.

It was not your fault.

[Sparks1007]

While I see what people are trying to understand the husband's reaction he was wrong to say anything. Frankly, who cares how he feels at the moment. His first concern should be his wife's wellbeing and then he can worry about the details. I cannot believe people think his reaction is in any way justified.

[differentnameforthis]

I was asked if I want to report it but I can't see what good it would do. It is my word against his and it wasn't violent, I was so drunk I barely put up a fight. Stop tying yourself in knots with rape myths.

We believe you

[FolkGirl]

While I see what people are trying to understand the husband's reaction he was wrong to say anything. Frankly, who cares how he feels at the moment.

Seriously?

A man is told his wife has been raped and he's not allowed to experience any emotion to that?

Or maybe he is alowed to experience am emotion, but not express it.

Given that any articulation of his emotion will be as a result of a rush of adrenaline upon hearing this, he has almost no control over it.

[Vivacia]

I can see why your husband is angry, however. You are a married woman, and you let another man take you to a club? How is your husband supposed to know that you had no interest in him?

A married woman shouldn't let a man take her somewhere?? Ok, so your husband is angry and frustrated he can't help you, but all of that "disrespect" stuff is just nonsense. And it's very deliberately shaming language.

Please continue to talk to people and continue to get professional support and advice.

[Vivacia]

Does your stepfather know?

[LadyLuck10]

Totally agree with Random.
Sorry about what happened to you but there are two issues here.
You're married and shouldn't have gone out with this man, I'm sure not many people would be happy for their wives/husbands to go out clubbing with people on their own. Your DH isn't a twat for being angry with you.

[Simbathecat]

That's a really helpful link, thank you.

Everyone has given me lots to think about. I'm going to concentrate on getting through next few days, I'll make counselling phone call and medical visit tomorrow. I'll give more thought to reporting too.

Thank you again x

[LastNightADJSavedMyLife]

The barman said he would take OP to a club because she hadn't had a good night out, being in early. That's not meeting a man for a drink!! It's someone who is known to the family offering to take a friend to see the nightlife.

The OP was not to know this man was a rapist.

Her family didn't think it a good idea because she was pissed, not because she was married. Married women are allowed out without chaperones.

This is NOT your fault OP in any way shape or form. The only thing you did "wrong" was trust someone well known and liked by your stepfather. Please be kind to yourself.

And if your DH tries to put any of this at your door he is a complete cock.

[LastNightADJSavedMyLife]

Yes her DH is a twat for being angry at her

WTF? His wife has been raped and he is thinking about what she was doing out dancing? Bollocks, he should be supporting his wife. If the DH had gone out drinking with a barman he met and been raped would people say he should have known better?

Some of the attitudes on this thread are disgraceful

[Topseyt]

Perhaps the husband's reaction is harsh, but he is human. He may feel that going to a nightclub with a barman crossed a line and is entitled to that opinion.

I sympathise about the rape. It is never OK and should be reported if possible.

Folkgirl & Random have put things very well.

I would NOT be OK if my husband ever did this. If the OP had come here and said her husband had gone clubbing with another woman and one thing had led to another plenty of the responses would have poured vitriol on him.

[BathtimeFunkster]

has been raped and he's not allowed to experience any emotion to that?

If his emotion is anger and possessiveness, then no, he's not allowed to inflict that on a recently raped woman just because he thinks he owns her body and the only person to penetrate it should be him.

His reaction is absolutely sickening. And fucking chilling TBH.

He wants them to work through her rape like she cheated on him!

Absolute bastard of the highest order behaviour.

I would be telling him not to bother coming back.

You were raped. That is a million times more important than his petty jealousy that you went to a club with a family friend.

[BathtimeFunkster]

One thing led to another ???!!!!!!

Are you fucking kidding me with this evil victim blaming shite?

She was raped.

She didn't have sex.