I have been very foolish

[Simbathecat]

I have just returned from a week abroad to attend my mums wedding to her partner, I went without my husband as he is working away.

I've had a lovely week with my mum and all of their friends and on my last night I was jokingly saying I'd been in bed by 10pm each night when the barman offered to take me to a club if I wanted. Mums partner has been coming to the island for 15+years and the general consensus was he was a "good guy". However I had had a lot to drink and no one thought it was a good idea for me to go. I was taken back to my room and made to promise to stay in. However very drunk and in the party mood all reason and common sense went out the window and I went anyway. I was not interested in this man whatsoever and naively thought he was my friend (him knowing my mums partner etc).

The inevitable happened and he had sex with me that wasn't consensual. I repeatedly said no, asked him to leave but he would not listen. I eventually left myself and got help from friends staying in the same building.

I have told my husband and he is devastated and very angry with me. He says that regardless of whether the rape happened or not my very act of meeting the man showed disrespect to myself, him and our marriage. He is of course correct.

He isn't home for another week and a half and I don't know how to fix this.

I can't believe I've been so foolish and naive to have put myself so obviously in danger and jeopardised my relationship.

Although there was evidence he had used protection I have taken emergency contraception and I will need to lie to work on Monday to make a humiliating visit to the health clinic.

[Vivacia]

I would NOT be OK if my husband ever did this.

Seriously? Your husband tells you he has been raped and your response is to be angry at him??

[Vivacia]

He wants them to work through her rape like she cheated on him!

Yes. Going with a family friend to a club is not a date. Nor is it permission to be raped. I am in places with men all of the time without DP.

[BathtimeFunkster]

I wouldn't be OK if my husband was raped.

I'd be devastated for him and worried about him.

But I would share those feelings with other people and to him I would support him whatever way he needed.

I certainly wouldn't blame him.

Even if he was being a bit of a drunk eejit when it happened.

Where's the love here?

[Topseyt]

I didn't say she wasn't raped. I said she should report it if you bother to read my post.

I also said I would not be OK if my husband went clubbing with another woman, nothing about rape. You can be as vitriolic as you like. I would think it inappropriate behaviour on his part. He would think the same if I did it. Neither of us ever has, though I am sure you will now find a way to be scathing about me for that too. Fire away.

The OP needs counselling. I have not blamed her for the rape at all and to say I did is to fail to read my posts.

[Vivacia]

Topseyt What if he told you he went to a club with another woman and that he'd then been raped that night?

Because it's that second part is that is probably more significant to most people reading this scenario and trying to offer help and advice.

[BathtimeFunkster]

You directly compared her rape to a man going out with a woman and "one thing leading to another."

If your husband went clubbing with a family friend on a family holiday and got assaulted by said "friend" and badly injured, and your response was to get into a jealous snit I'd think you were a right dick too.

Someone has been raped.

For normal, kind, decent people that puts trivial things like sexual jealousy into perspective.

[paxtecum]

The rapist was not a family friend.
He was a barman in the holiday hotel.The ops mum's new husband has seen him there each time he visited the hotel over 15 years.
He was not a trusted family friend.

Simba: best wishes to you and your husband.

[Vivacia]

I have a lot of respect for Folkgirl and her contributions on MN, but I really disagree this time.

If DP rung me to tell me he'd been raped or, more likely I guess, beaten up and hospitalised after being taken to a night club by a barmaid at his mum's wedding, I'm fairly sure that my reaction would be one of overwhelming concern and gentleness towards him.

[babymouse]

He's done it before (the rapist). Please get lots of real life support and try to get your husband to speak to someone at rape crisis - he's entitled to his feelings and all but he's being a jerk.

[Vivacia]

OP I'd consider emailing your husband and telling him how you interpreted the conversation. Tell him exactly what you need, "I need you to not compare me being raped with me being unfaithful".

It may be that in hindsight he regrets some of what he said or even didn't mean how things came across.

I'd give him this one chance to get this right.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

This is going to be one of those threads that ultimately gets pulled or ends up in a complete bun fight.

OP - getting incredibly drunk and going to a club with another man when married [when the husband is off working] - does indeed look as if it may have given off the wrong signals. As a human, you have a duty of care and if you know that you get yourself into scrapes when drunk, then once you have come out of this, you might need to look at your drinking habits in order to prevent yourself from putting yourself into situations that may or may not end up badly.

However once in that situation - you said no, and several times. And were raped. Which is horrific.

I can't say I'd be happy if my OH went and got drunk and went clubbing with another woman. I'd be pretty livid in all honesty. Perhaps when your husband is back and you can sit down you can explain your reasoning - outside of having to deal with the rape and it's consequences.

[BathtimeFunkster]

Barmen in our local pubs that one of us has known for years count as family friends in my family.

[Chippednailvarnish]

The responses on this thread are some of the most depressing things I have ever read on MN. Going clubbing with someone who isn't your husband is perfectly normal, being raped by them isn't.

Victim blaming at it's worst.

[LadyLuck10]

Simba you went to friends in the building and told them as well as your mum. Why didn't anyone else report him?

[paxtecum]

funky: Simba's mum's new DH has known the barman for 15 years but only for a week or two each year whilst on holiday.

[TooMuchCantBreathe]

This is one of those threads where grown women prove they have no idea when it is appropriate to stfu.

[Vivacia]

I agree Chipped and TooMuch especially when you scroll up and read the title again.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Funky: Simba's mum's new DH has known the barman for 15 years but only for a week or two each year whilst on holiday.

Yes - I can read. So why was everyone trying to stop her going to a club with him?