I have been very foolish

[Simbathecat]

I have just returned from a week abroad to attend my mums wedding to her partner, I went without my husband as he is working away.

I've had a lovely week with my mum and all of their friends and on my last night I was jokingly saying I'd been in bed by 10pm each night when the barman offered to take me to a club if I wanted. Mums partner has been coming to the island for 15+years and the general consensus was he was a "good guy". However I had had a lot to drink and no one thought it was a good idea for me to go. I was taken back to my room and made to promise to stay in. However very drunk and in the party mood all reason and common sense went out the window and I went anyway. I was not interested in this man whatsoever and naively thought he was my friend (him knowing my mums partner etc).

The inevitable happened and he had sex with me that wasn't consensual. I repeatedly said no, asked him to leave but he would not listen. I eventually left myself and got help from friends staying in the same building.

I have told my husband and he is devastated and very angry with me. He says that regardless of whether the rape happened or not my very act of meeting the man showed disrespect to myself, him and our marriage. He is of course correct.

He isn't home for another week and a half and I don't know how to fix this.

I can't believe I've been so foolish and naive to have put myself so obviously in danger and jeopardised my relationship.

Although there was evidence he had used protection I have taken emergency contraception and I will need to lie to work on Monday to make a humiliating visit to the health clinic.

There are two separate issues yes. The first being that the OP acted in a way that her DH found disrespectful to him and their marriage. I have some sympathy for him, because I would feel the same if my DH did that. Not a deal breaker but worthy of a sensible chat.

The main issue, however, is the fact that the OP was raped. This is far more important than the DH's problem right now.

It is true that had OP not gone out she would not have been raped that night, but that in no way makes her complicit in the rape. As women should we all stay in all the time? Of course not.

OP, I think your DH is hurting and you probably presented what's happened to him in the same way as you have here (that the rape was "inevitable", that it was your fault). He's reacting to what you're telling him and, sadly, taking it at face value. If you don't want him to blame you, stop blaming yourself. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

I've been drunk with loads of men. I haven't been raped, because they weren't rapists. Unless this man has "I'm a rapist" tattooed on his forehead, I fail to see how you could have possibly known what would happen.

ONCE AGAIN... this thread ISN'T about her dh!! It's about thr OP being a victim if rape.

that was to funky, btw

I'd be fine with it. I trust my husband. But none of that is relevant at all to this thread and you making it so is utterly despicable.

Rape is rape. It is a criminal, illegal, and at least emotionally violent act. No woman has ever been responsible for a man raping her.

You are perpetuating Thr attitude that "she asked for it" and that is utterly repugnant and despicable. I can understand her husband having an initial emotional outburst but I truly hope he is the evolved human being that you are exposing yourself as not being this morning, and once he has a chance to think he realises that what matters here is not castigating the woman he loves for actions which actually in no way compromised her marraige vows but supporting her through dealing with the very serious crime which has been enacted upon her.

Of course, if you can't trust your husband to keep his pants on when he is drunk, you have other issues in your own marraige I suggest you go deal with rather than victim blaming someone who has not acted in any way which led to her being the victim of a crime committed by a criminal who chose to do so.

Op, if you are still reading, I am sorry you are being exposed to these disgusting comments. I believe you and you did nothing wrong. All the blame lies with the man who chose to do this.

Hi there,

Thanks for your reports about this thread.

We think now's a good time to link to our We Believe You campaign and in particular, the rape myths we should ALL be challenging.

OP, we really hope you're okay

She said the rape was her fault.

This is a thread started by a woman who called a thread about her rape "I have been very foolish" and then goes on at some length to describe why her rape is her fault and why it is entirely fair that her husband's reaction to hearing about her rape is anger with her.

And you think this woman needs YOU to repeatedly point out that her husband had every right to be pissed off that his woman was out at night in the company of a man her stepfather has known for a decade and a half?

FFS you ARE victim blaming and you are doing it to a victim who already thinks it's her fault.

Imagine what kind of a wa me you have to be to ask your wife if she was wearing her wedding ring when she was raped.

And then we get all the "this has nothing to do with ownership of women".

I get what Folkgirl is saying. I got a bit drunk at our work Christmas party and fell asleep on the last tube home and went all the way to the end of the line. I ended up in the middle of nowhere walking around trying to find a taxi in tears lost and scared. DHs initial reaction when I got in was anger, rather than trying to comfort me - but really because he loves me and was scared by what could have happened to me - he had stayed up waiting for me to come in and was worried sick. I hope that that is in part what is underlying the DHs reaction. Because yes, OP, you are not to blame for the rape

I do think if you are up to it you should report it, because (balance of probability) he may well have done it before, and if he thinks he is getting away with it, do it again. Easier said than done - totally understand you just wanting to get away.

MorrisZapp has absolutely hit the nail on the head.

Do I think that her going to a club with this barman entitled him to rape her? OF COURSE NOT!!

Do I think that her going clubbing with him was inadvisable? Yes. I would not do it. I would not want my husband to do it either.

Do I understand her how her husband might feel hurt by this? Yes.

Do I think he should be trying to support her in coping with the rape? YES. He is clearly hurt by the whole incident though. That is also understandable, and makes it difficult. It doesn't necessarily mean that there is no hope he will come round.

here here, bath!!

does anyone have anything useful to add for the op, instead of repeatedly blaming her for going to a club with this guy?

she was raped because he was a rapist, not because people seem to think what she did was "inadvisable" or because she was married.

would you all be saying the same to her if she were single?

You didn't go clubbing with this man because you wanted to have sex with him. If you wanted to have sex with him, it wouldn't have been rape.

You weren't intending on being unfaithful to your DH, otherwise you wouldn't have said no, and it wouldn't have been rape.

You need to tell your DH to take his concern about the look of you going clubbing with this man, who you didn't intend on sleeping with somewhere else, because right now you need support because you have been the victim of an appalling and distressing crime. He needs to shut up to you about his hurt feelings and start acting like a decent human being.

How are you feeling this morning OP?

Cross-posted with MNHQ and Bathtime.

Of course it is not her fault.

Bathtime - I missed the bit about the wedding ring yes, not good.

OP do speak to someone in RL

would you all be saying the same to her if she were single?

Why are you goading people?

I'd say to any woman that they have a duty of care to themselves and not all people out in the world are nice. We all know that rape is wrong. We all know that some men are scum. You do the maths.

how is asking that goading?

simple question. would you say to a single woman that she shouldnt have gone out with him?

most people are focusing on her dh's feelings.
she came on here for support, most people have done exactly what her dh did.
she wanted us to help her, instead most sympathized with her dh.

very little real support forop

I hope you dont say it to your daughters.

going out with someone does not lead to rape

OP you and your husband must separate these two things out.

1- were you out of order for going clubbing with a random guy when on holiday despite knowing that your husband wouldn't like it and you wouldn't like him to do the same? Maybe. Probably. Depends on your relationship boundaries.

2- were you therefore responsible when this random raped you? No. Not at all.

Your husband has, I suppose, a right to be pissed off about 1 but any decent man would put that to the side to feel sympathy and horror for 2. He should understand that getting pissed off with you for 1 comes later, if at all, because you have had an awful experience.

It's just wrong to conflate the events and therefore blame you for being raped.

differentname I guess the reason there's been a focus on the DH and his reaction is that the OP is worried about it and was also asking for help with that - not just trying to deal with the rape, but also worrying about her marriage.

I posted about that because maybe it is helpful for her to hope that his initial reaction was skewed by love/anger/fear/ denial and that he will not be victim-blaming/conflating once he has had some time to process things.

Ehric agreed.

I hope you dont say it to your daughters.

What - protect yourselves girls as some men are scum?

Erm, I'd say that to any woman. Because no matter how much campaigning and protesting we do, it is still true. And many many rape cases will never result in justice.

I think we're all in agreement that the rape was not the op's fault. She didn't ask for it or send out signals or the wrong message by going out with that man. That she went out with the man does not place any responsibilty for the rape at her feet.

On a separate issue... going out with a barman I'd just met at a wedding (regardless of how well my mum's partner knew him) would be crossing the boundary of any relationship I've been in. Clearly people have different boundaries within their own relationships, but I agree that the husband will be processing his feelings about this too.

Of course he should support the op but he is a person and has his own feelings.

Folkgirl

I totally agree with all your posts and think it's a damn shame people are (wilfully?) misinterpreting your comments.

We are all devastated that Op was raped - and the rape of course was not her fault.

But there are indeed separate issues here and to demonise her husband is totally unfair.

Op, if you're reading (and I actually hope you're not) sorry you didn't get the support here you deserved. Hope you are getting it somewhere else.

and don't tell me you would be fine with it.

I would be fine with it. Just saying.

does anyone have anything useful to add for the op, instead of repeatedly blaming her for going to a club with this guy?

Not one single person has blamed her for going to a club with this guy for getting raped. Not one single person.

This is the problem with victim blaming, it always comes with such a thick layer of "of course it wasn't her fault" and ends with all the reasons it really was her fault.