I have been very foolish

[Simbathecat]

I have just returned from a week abroad to attend my mums wedding to her partner, I went without my husband as he is working away.

I've had a lovely week with my mum and all of their friends and on my last night I was jokingly saying I'd been in bed by 10pm each night when the barman offered to take me to a club if I wanted. Mums partner has been coming to the island for 15+years and the general consensus was he was a "good guy". However I had had a lot to drink and no one thought it was a good idea for me to go. I was taken back to my room and made to promise to stay in. However very drunk and in the party mood all reason and common sense went out the window and I went anyway. I was not interested in this man whatsoever and naively thought he was my friend (him knowing my mums partner etc).

The inevitable happened and he had sex with me that wasn't consensual. I repeatedly said no, asked him to leave but he would not listen. I eventually left myself and got help from friends staying in the same building.

I have told my husband and he is devastated and very angry with me. He says that regardless of whether the rape happened or not my very act of meeting the man showed disrespect to myself, him and our marriage. He is of course correct.

He isn't home for another week and a half and I don't know how to fix this.

I can't believe I've been so foolish and naive to have put myself so obviously in danger and jeopardised my relationship.

Although there was evidence he had used protection I have taken emergency contraception and I will need to lie to work on Monday to make a humiliating visit to the health clinic.

[BathtimeFunkster]

Someone who really loved you would be focused on how you are feeling after your rape.

Not on how they are feeling after you decided to let a friend of your stepfather's show you the local nightlife.

[Tobyjugg]

Look at her title. Read her opening post. She's already putting him first and taking the blame for being raped

I was addressing my remarks to other posters. It would have been better if I had said "...to be fair to the OP's husband...."

[RJnomore]

What doesn't matter here:

How much op drunk
What she was wearing
Who she was with
Why she was there
What she was doing
Whether she was married or not

What does matter:
She did not consent to sex
She was raped

Hopefully that might make it clear for the hard of thinking up thread

[Pandora37]

Italiangreyhound this isn't quite the same thing as we didn't have a curfew imposed on us BUT the police reacted in a similar way when there was a serial killer who was targeting street prostitutes in the area I lived. This was only about 10 years ago. I remember the police specifically saying that women shouldn't walk anywhere in the dark alone. This was in winter when it got dark at 4pm. They also told the street prostitutes not to go to work and I remember thinking that was stupid advice at the time. These women were all drug addicts, of course they were going to go out. I remember there was a lot of anger around the police telling women not to go out alone and there was a Take Back the Night march. So that attitude is still alive and well in this country.

Anyway, I am really sorry for what happened to you OP. Please don't think it's your fault because it isn't. It doesn't matter what "messages" you sent out and I have to say, I think that's an excuse men use to justify sexual violence. Going to a bar with someone is not consent for sex, nor is it implying that you want to have sex with someone.

I'm also sorry for the way your husband reacted. I don't think it's unusual for men to react in anger to things like this. Not that that excuses what he has said and I would feel very upset and betrayed if my partner reacted the same way. He may be clinging onto the fact you went to a bar with this man because that's something he can react to, whereas hearing your wife has been raped is a hard thing to digest. Hopefully, having another week away means he will have some time to calm down. Having said that, his reaction is his problem and you have nothing to apologise for or feel guilty about. Don't worry about your husband for now, concentrate on yourself. If you don't want to report it then please do contact Rape Crisis or one of the other charities and see if you can see someone face to face for help in dealing with this.

[BathtimeFunkster]

I'm not overthinking anything.

It's not me that has to come up with ludicrous nonsense about how women aren't the victims of their own rapes, but in fact everyone e connected to them is affected so they are ALL victims to try to cover my sexist prejudice.

The fact that the people who love you are affected if shit things happen to you doesn't mean the shit things are also happening to them.

The person who was raped is the person who was raped.

Her husband was not raped. Her mother was not raped. Her family were not collectively raped.

A woman was raped and any response to it should have her at its centre.

[Tobyjugg]

Good point RJ. This thread is starting to get side-tracked into generalities.

[FolkGirl]

The was it a date or not question is also a red herring, because even uf ut had been a date, rather than just looking a bit like one, the rape would have been no less wrong.

Just wanted to say that because there have been a couple of posts which talked about it not being a date and just wanted to say that's kind of irrelevant really.

[HootyMcTooty]

Ok so you went out on the town with a man you hardly know, it's not exactly a big deal for your marriage, given that you didn't intend for anything to happen.

What is a big deal, a massive deal, is that you were raped. I'm so sorry this has happened to you and I'm sorry you're not getting the support you need and deserve. This was not your fault, not at all. I really think you should report him and speak to someone, Rape Crisis or a counsellor, or your GP.

Your DH's response is poor to say the least, but I would hope that once the initial shock has worn off he will stop being pissed off and start focussing on you.

[Tobyjugg]

As I said in a PP, I still stand by my original point. Every crime against the person be it rape, GBH or whatever, affects those closest to the victim as well as the victim themselves and so, (to a lesser extent I agree) they can be considered victims as well.

That is all I am saying. I have never said that women aren't the victims of their own rapes .

[differentnameforthis]

Let's look at the facts - I gave him my number, put on my party dress and met him. What message was I giving out??

Absolutely NO MESSAGE at all.

stfu springdaffs nothing in the OP suggests the DH is victim blaming. How rude are you? There is absolutely NO reason for you to talk to another poster like that! Especially to single someone out when several otehr posters have said the same.

A man is told his wife has been raped and he's not allowed to experience any emotion to that? Not when that emotion = him blaming her for the rape, no.

You're married and shouldn't have gone out with this man, That, right there ...victim blaming! The pp is saying that if you hadn't gone out for a drink, you wouldn't have been raped. Just as your dh did...

IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DID/DIDN'T DO.

*getting incredibly drunk and going to a club with another man when married [when the husband is off working] - does indeed look as if it may have given off the wrong signals. No it doesn't! Once again you are all (mostly) infantilizing this man for not being able to control himself. OP is in NO WAY responsible for the rape. She is not responsible for the man actions. She was raped because she was in the company of a rapist, NO OTHER REASON!!

[differentnameforthis]

Bold fail...

getting incredibly drunk and going to a club with another man when married [when the husband is off working] - does indeed look as if it may have given off the wrong signals No it doesn't! Once again you are all (mostly) infantilizing this man for not being able to control himself. OP is in NO WAY responsible for the rape. She is not responsible for the man actions. She was raped because she was in the company of a rapist, NO OTHER REASON!!

[MorrisZapp]

I agree with Folkgirl and Joysmum. OP, you must know that what happened is not your fault. Rape isn't about sending out 'signals', it's a crime and should be reported.

However, on the same night as you were attacked you went on what looks like a date with another man. That is a totally separate issue in my mind and presumably in your dh"s mind too.

Have you gone clubbing with men you've recently met before? Doing so is fine if you and your dh are ok with this in your marriage, but I think most married couples wouldn't do this.

You did not ask to be raped, or deserve to be raped. You are a victim
Of a crime. But you also, separately, acted in a way that your dh undunderstandably sees as incompatible with marital fidelity.

I hope you get the support you need to get through this.

[MorrisZapp]

Different name, nobody has blamed her for the rape. She was a victim of a criminal. But separately, she is married and went out to a nightclub with another man. She probably shouldn't have done that, but the factthat she did in no way means she deserves to be raped.

[differentnameforthis]

I remember going to a bar with a male friend once (well, more than once). Dh and I were having difficulties, his friend came round to ask him to out and when I said he wasnt in, he offered to take me out instead. we had fun, he is a great guy and cheered me up. he didnt rape me. because he isnt a rapist. and he didnt see my agreement of a drink to mean consent for sex, even though he bought me several drinks.

I dint get raped that night because I wasnt in the presence of a rapist.
op got raped because she was in the presence of a rapist.

[springydaffs]

It wasn't a date imo - she put on her party dress to go partying NOT to go on a date. There's nothing wrong with going to a club with a man when you're married, especially as this 'man' was well-known to the groom.

Endless people do just what OP did and, no, it doesn't end in rape. It may end with said party companion holding partygoer's hair back when sick/ putting in taxi/calling partygoer's friends to help out/etc - basically looking after partygoer. It does NOT end with chancer rapist raping partygoer when she is incapacitated.

It was rape. You are in no way, shape or form responsible for being raped.

I don't know if it's a national ad campaign but we currently have billboards our way with pictures of women in various situations with This is not an excuse to rape me (or words tte) - one picture is of women laughing in a club.

There is NEVER an excuse for rape.

[MorrisZapp]

Nope, there is no excuse for rape, ever. Could somebody point out a post that says there is?

[differentnameforthis]

RJnomore great post at 10.25. absolutely spot on!

[FunkyBoldRibena]

No it doesn't! Once again you are all (mostly) infantilizing this man for not being able to control himself.

If she hadn't been raped, she still went to a club, drunk, with another man. This is not something that most people in long term relationships do.

You seem unable to separate the two issues. I am talking about going out, drunk, in a party dress, to a club, with another man. This is an issue for any spouse unless this is something they both agreed is ok in their marriage.

Nobody has said that it is ok to rape. So calm down and try reading the words properly.

[differentnameforthis]

sorry, morris, but I think you are wrong. she has been blsmed plenty for her rape.

as soon you start to analyze her behaviour, you are blaming her.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

What doesn't matter here:
How much op drunk
What she was wearing
Who she was with
Why she was there
What she was doing
Whether she was married or not

I imagine to her husband, that yes that all does matter.

[differentnameforthis]

*blamed

[RJnomore]

For fucks sake funky.

That is despicable.

I am utterly disgusted at you.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

I am utterly disgusted at you.

Why on earth are you disgusted at me?

I am saying that it probably does matter to a spouse if their husband or wife gets drunk and goes off to clubs with other people. I would be livid if my OH did, and don't tell me you would be fine with it.

It is a completely different matter to the rape. Those of you saying that it is part of the same thing, it's you that need a bit of a reality check. You can't go through life assuming that everyone out there is an angel. She was in a different country with someone she didn't know and can't just assume that because it is wrong it wasn't going to happen.

[differentnameforthis]

funky, this thread isnt here to analyse her behaviour, op hasnt asked us if what she did was right, she has told us she was raped. not one person, except myself, linked to the MN campaign to show her, regardless of her actions, that this wasnt her fault. along with that, most of the replies have been HEAVILY focused on her behaviour leading up to the rape. and offering sympathy for her dh.

she came here for support because she has had none in RL
she came here because her dh blamed her

Please, let us stop focusing on what dhe did, and support her.

this thread IS NOT in the spirit of the MN We Believe You campaign. I for one am shocked at the responses here.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

this thread IS NOT in the spirit of the MN We Believe You campaign

Nobody is saying we don't believe her. We are showing why her husband might be upset by the situation. Nobody has said it is her fault for the rape.

She needs help for the situation and for her issues with alcohol, as she said herself that she gets herself into scrapes when drunk.

It is all very sad, and I really hope she can come to terms with what happened.