I have been very foolish

[Simbathecat]

I have just returned from a week abroad to attend my mums wedding to her partner, I went without my husband as he is working away.

I've had a lovely week with my mum and all of their friends and on my last night I was jokingly saying I'd been in bed by 10pm each night when the barman offered to take me to a club if I wanted. Mums partner has been coming to the island for 15+years and the general consensus was he was a "good guy". However I had had a lot to drink and no one thought it was a good idea for me to go. I was taken back to my room and made to promise to stay in. However very drunk and in the party mood all reason and common sense went out the window and I went anyway. I was not interested in this man whatsoever and naively thought he was my friend (him knowing my mums partner etc).

The inevitable happened and he had sex with me that wasn't consensual. I repeatedly said no, asked him to leave but he would not listen. I eventually left myself and got help from friends staying in the same building.

I have told my husband and he is devastated and very angry with me. He says that regardless of whether the rape happened or not my very act of meeting the man showed disrespect to myself, him and our marriage. He is of course correct.

He isn't home for another week and a half and I don't know how to fix this.

I can't believe I've been so foolish and naive to have put myself so obviously in danger and jeopardised my relationship.

Although there was evidence he had used protection I have taken emergency contraception and I will need to lie to work on Monday to make a humiliating visit to the health clinic.

Op how did you tell your DH you were raped? Did you say "I got really drunk and the inevitable happened?" Or did you tell him you were raped.

I think the ONLY scenario where the DH would have a legitimate reason to be upset with OP were if she's gone out with the intention of having some "extra-marital fun" (which might be the cause for the wedding ring question - maybe he was trying to establish whether or not this were the case - still highly unhelpful of him though). In this scenario, rape would still be rape and the OP would be no more at fault for what happened, but the DH might not wish to stick around on the basis his wife was cheating on him.

However, from the OP's posts it's clear that she was not intending to cheat on her DH and just wanted to have some fun with someone she assumed would not assault her. On this basis her DH has a responsibility to put his upset at her going out to one side and support her. HTH.

I agree hooty

Joysmum I accept that you are merely agreeing with what the OP said about her relationship boundaries and that you are not blaming her for what happened.

But with due respect I don't think it is of help to the OP to keep mentioning that the OP didn't respect the marital boundaries and that she needs to work on the trust issues in their relationship.

She has not done anything wrong and her husband's priorities right now should be supporting his wife. Her only focus should be on getting the support that she needs. Anything else is not relevant and certainly not appropriate at this stage.

OP hasn't been back to the thread for some time. Hope she is ok.

I've posted about this on here before and it remains painful (and ongoing).

My DD was assaulted a year ago. She was 14. She went out in the day time, in jeans and a jumper and visited someone she thought was a friend. She didn't tell me where she was going because she thought I'd say no. She was correct that I'd have told her not to go.

When I found out about what had happened, the right thing to do was to support her, to help her report it, listen to her and be there for her.

It would have been a totally inappropriate time for me to lecture her about being places she shouldn't be. Even though lying (by ommission) and breaking rules is obviously undebatably wrong (unlike in the OPs case where going out with a friend / stranger / male / female / married / single is very dependent on personal feelings). At a later date a general discussion on not telling lies to your mother would be fine but at the time it would have taken the focus off supporting her and possibly made her feel responsible for what happened. Which she wasn't.

The analogy of complaining about the tv licence not being paid when the house has just burnt down seems very apt to me. What a pointless and unhelpful discussion it is to have about what the OP did / wore / said - it's not going to alter the fact she's been raped.

Maybe her husbands initial shock caused him to focus on an insignificant thing instead of the main issue (understandable) but personally I would find the things he said very hard to forgive.

I hope you're ok Simba and getting the support you need.

MM, you are so right and I am very sorry about what happened to your daughter

Mandatory I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. I am sure it remains painful and ongoing but I hope you are both getting through this and getting a lot of support.

Your post said everything that I have been trying to say about how to deal with such a horrific situation in the right way.

Mandatorymongoose - I'm so sorry to hear about your DD, I hope she is ok and getting lots of support.

A similar thing happened to my DSis (except she was on her way to school).

I spent the rest of my teen years being told to avoid that street - which would mean walking miles out of my way through quieter streets than that one. Even at 14 I knew that was pointless advice.

Some of this is mumsnet at its very worst and its very best.

The worst are the people going on about her going out with this horrid man in the first place. Learn when to leave it alone.

This is someone's real life here, not really a place to debate whether or not she should have gone clubbing with the man in the first place. People are debating the rights and wrongness of that when the focus should only be the fact that the op was raped. The rest just doesn't matter.

OP I am so very very sorry for what happened to you. You need support and care right now. Lots of love to you, be gentle with yourself, you have done NOTHING wrong. Nothing. I hope you find the strength to report him.

The best being the posters who are offering support and no judgments and pulling people up on their shitty posts.

Oh and some of you are showing more concern for her fucking husband than you are her. Disgusting.

Who'd how sad, I could have written your post several times over. I have poor impulse control under the influence of alcohol and have got into all kinds of scrapes, it eventually caused me to stop drinking and the restarted again with strong limits, every now and then under pressure I have drunk more than I 'should' and end up in some sort of scrape. So many bad things have happened and I have always blamed myself because of my lack of alcohol tolerance and have never had much sympathy from loved ones. Much more of the 'i told you so' kind of attitude.
Until I read your post and all the replies I always blamed myself for people taking advantage and it seemed that that's what the majority thought but now I'm seeing it differently, the sad reality is that the majority iin real life aren't as civilised as the people on mumsnet and th is a huge culture of victim blaming.
Sad.

I think this thread should have always been about supporting the op.

I think some posters were trying to help the op see why her husband may have reacted the way he did. I don't think they were victim blaming, while other posters certainly came across that way.

Then it turned into a debate about if it is ok to go out clubbing with another man when married. A very valid debate but it should not have been done on this thread or about the OP. The OP could have got 366 posts of pure support and not a debate on her going clubbing with another man. The main focus of this thread should have been support and support only.

Its a shame I think that it turned into this mess.

What's your opinion of her dh's behaviour?

I'll make this a last post as its not about debate, it's about the OP.

I know from experience that people don't always immediately react as we'd like to. I've had some pretty strange immediate reactions to extreme situations in my past too. So as much as I'd hope he'd have had a great first reaction for the sake of the OP, I know it's not that simple as humans aren't predictable at times like this.

Since that initial reaction, they've talked and he's given the right reactions. That's the important but for me, although with concerns about the medium and long term.

Even in the heat of an initial poor reaction, the ring question I personally didn't see as him passing judgement on the rape or a right to say no, I saw it as insecurity because the OP didn't respect the boundaries.

Of course the first reaction logically ought to have been concern for the OP rather than for their marriage, but having had some dreadful times ourselves in the past, I don't expect people to react logically initially because I know I haven't. Because of my experiences, I think it possible that he blocked out the rape and focused on her intentions when she initially went out as to the state of their marriage.

When I was raped I blocked it out and didn't react to it. I didn't even classify it as rape and minimised it. It really doesn't surprise me that he didn't react to the rape of his wife. It's an awful thing to come to terms with whether youre the victim, or whether it's someone you love.

When I confided in my DH that I'd been raped years before we'd got together, he went silent, didn't give me the reaction I'd have liked and I didn't feel supported and filled in my own blanks. The initial silence wasn't because of anything other than needing time to process. I don't begrudge him that or judge him on it. If something that bad had happened to him, I'd like to think I'd react in the best way but I couldn't guarantee it. I wish I could, but knowing he's a good man and didn't get it right doesn't give me hope that I'd be any better.

In short, I know I'm projecting my experiences and the subsequent reactions of DH and I on this situation too. That's all I can do, extrapolate from what I know.

I also wholeheartedly agree with the OP's attitude.

She does not believe she deserved to be raped. Quite rightly so, nobody deserves that.

She also is more than aware that she's crossed the boundaries of her marriage and acknowledges that this was foolish and her DH has every right to have an issue with that. She's considering his feelings too which is good for their marriage. At some point they'll both need to work through that to strengthen their relationship. Dealing with a rape is hard enough but there are added complications with the separate issue of trust.

OP I think you're fantasic. You're doing all the right things and I'm glad you're forgiving of your DH's initial shit reaction. What counts is how things go from here on in. All the best

Where did she cross the bounderies of her marriage?

Yes her husband doesn't trust her. That is the trust issue. And his lack of trust was what led him to make his initial statements.

She needs to work through the fact that her husband's first thought was that she had in some way caused the rape.

He's lucky if she does forgive him, because I don't think I could.

Her DH does not have a right to have an issue with her going to dance with whomever she wishes. It is sad that the OP feels he does have that right, and perhaps knowing that she felt immediately that she was in the wrong it can lead us to make a judgement on the type of marriage they have and the type of man her husband is.

Simba still thinking of you

Sorry Joy that post wasn't a pop at you, just in case the OP is still reading I would like her to realise her husband's issues are not caused by her actions.

Sorry Joysmum I didn't realise. I hope I didn't upset you.

Hope the OP is okay and getting the support she deserves.

Everyone is reading a lot into a relationship which is not the subject of this thread and for which we have very little detail to go on. I don't think it's helpful to OP tbh. It's often a human reaction for someone who goes through something like this to blame themselves, mixing up the "if only I hadn't been in the wrong place at the wrong time" (natural reaction) with "I should have known better" (incorrectly blaming themselves), it's neither right nor is it necessarily a reflection of OP's marriage. At least OP no longer has this view.

You're also reading a lot into a reaction which was a result of a telephone conversation. Let's not forget that the initial discussion with DH was over the phone, therefore, more likely that misunderstandings can happen. Plus OP was in a place where she was blaming herself. As I said upthread, if she told DH it was her fault, over the phone, it's not a huge leap to see why the DH might have had some questions about what her intentions were when she went out, particularly if it were out of character and she presented it as being her fault. His comments were likely made during a conversation when he was in the process of receiving all the facts. It's very sad and I truly hope that he is now completely supporting OP. I don't think it's helpful to assume he's either a massive bastard, or an innocent who is struggling with what he's been told, it could be either, it could be neither. What's important is that he stops questioning OP and starts supporting her.

I know many people who have been in OPs position find his initial response repugnant, and rightly so. Maybe his reaction will stay with OP, maybe it won't, but surely that's something for OP to deal with in time.

House I am so sorry to hear your story.

Mandatorymongoose I am so very sad and just wanted to say stay strong for her, I can't imagine it and I am sure you are finding strength just to be there for her. Everthing I say sounds so trite! I am sorry. I just hope in time she will be OK. It's such a crap world at times!

Also alongcamecampers so sorry to hear that you have had problems with people taking advantage of you.

Joysmum I am also so sorry for what happened to you.

I think HootyMcTooty's post just now at Sun 11-Jan-15 23:14:18 is spot on.

The conversation was by phone, we do not know how the OP worded it, and we do not know what the OP's husband was thinking.

I have thankfully never been given terrible news like this by phone. And on the one occasion I did get very bad news by phone (very different situation - death of my father), I did react very strangely indeed. I went shopping for a friend because I had agreed to do it (she'd had a baby) before I went to see my mum. I think on reflection I was in a kind of shock.

Maybe he was asking about things wondering what her intentions were when she went out. It is (IMHO) a very silly thing to focus on in that situation but who am I to judge him. I think the OP has said she would not be happy for her dh to go out socialising with someone like this so for their relationship this was something unusual.

I do think some of the posts here have really been addressing this, what was going through the OP's husband's mind etc etc. Reading them I felt quite angry, as I wanted to shout what about the OP, why all this worry about her husband. But the OP is thinking about her husband too. I think what many posters wanted to do was help the OP to feel that she needs to put herself in the centre and her needs first and everyone else needs to do that too.

But it does not alter the fact that this has added to the OP's stress as she told her dh about the rape and maybe for the OP to be able to understand a little how he was feeling or why he reacted as he did may help her. Ultimately helping the OP is what I think we all want to do.