I have been very foolish

[Simbathecat]

I have just returned from a week abroad to attend my mums wedding to her partner, I went without my husband as he is working away.

I've had a lovely week with my mum and all of their friends and on my last night I was jokingly saying I'd been in bed by 10pm each night when the barman offered to take me to a club if I wanted. Mums partner has been coming to the island for 15+years and the general consensus was he was a "good guy". However I had had a lot to drink and no one thought it was a good idea for me to go. I was taken back to my room and made to promise to stay in. However very drunk and in the party mood all reason and common sense went out the window and I went anyway. I was not interested in this man whatsoever and naively thought he was my friend (him knowing my mums partner etc).

The inevitable happened and he had sex with me that wasn't consensual. I repeatedly said no, asked him to leave but he would not listen. I eventually left myself and got help from friends staying in the same building.

I have told my husband and he is devastated and very angry with me. He says that regardless of whether the rape happened or not my very act of meeting the man showed disrespect to myself, him and our marriage. He is of course correct.

He isn't home for another week and a half and I don't know how to fix this.

I can't believe I've been so foolish and naive to have put myself so obviously in danger and jeopardised my relationship.

Although there was evidence he had used protection I have taken emergency contraception and I will need to lie to work on Monday to make a humiliating visit to the health clinic.

At least one poster commented on the 'messages' the op sent her rapist

It was 'wrong signals'. And it was me that said that.

And the signals were to her husband, not the rapist. Ie unless they have an understanding that going clubbing drunk with members of the opposite sex was a thing they 'do', the husband could easily wonder what she was doing.

If she hadn't been raped, the same signals would have been there. Had he ever found out about it.

I don't really know how the OP is ever going to forget that her husband's reaction to hearing she had been raped was to ask if she was wearing her wedding ring.

That kind of shit stays with you.

But it's hard to imagine an otherwise lovely bloke would even dream of asking that question.

Or that a woman accustomed to being treated well would have accepted his blame and sought to appease him.

So it's hard to think it's possible for this to end in a happy and equal marriage.

I hope that the OP's husband realises that his initial comments were irrelevant and shouldn't have been said and that he will give her all the support that she needs. Hopefully he was just in shock and didn't handle it very well. The OP has had enough upset without having to worry about her relationship.

But it is totally unnecessary for anyone on here to suggest that the OP may need to rebuild trust with her husband.

House and Bathtime, you may well be right, you're certainly right that he has some work to do to make up for his initial reaction, but sometimes people say stupid things when they're processing the unimaginable.

I'm sorry for what you've been through, it says a lot about you that you're in a position where you can see those stupid things for what they are and that you know what you deserve from people.

If your child had been told to only cross the road using a pedestrian crossing and he found himself needing to cross the road and the crossing was a little way away and the road was clear and safe and he was in the middle of crossing the road when a car came round the corner out of the blue at high speed and hit him and he ended up in hospital what would your reaction be.

Would you be upset and concerned for him and want to comfort him and be angry at the driver who had broken the speed limit.

Or would you be annoyed that he had chosen to cross a road without using the crossing even though there were no apparent dangers and feel the need to discuss whether you could trust him again.

Not a great analogy and I am not comparing the two situations. Just asking whether your first thought would be concern for the injured party or whether you think it would be more relevant to be annoyed that they had gone out and done something against your wishes and therefore needed to regain your trust.

House very sorry to hear what happened to you and that people were cruel. That must have been horrific. Pleased you now seem to be doing okay.

Oh, Lord.
OP, I am so sorry this happened to you and I desperately hope you get support. You did nothing to bring this upon yourself.
In my younger days I had a tendency, when out for the evening, to drink too much and wear very shorts skirts etc... on one very unpleasant occasion I was sexually assaulted by a male 'friend' whilst on one of these nights out.
On the many, many, many other occasions when I drank too much and wore a short skirt on a night out, I was not sexually assaulted by anyone.
I can only compute, therefore, that the reason I was assaulted on that one occasion was because I had the misfortune to be doing exactly what I regularly did, but that night in the company of someone who wanted to sexually assault me.
Countless other men somehow (!) managed to prevent themselves from doing the same thing on other occasions, presumably because they weren't rapists.
My point being that it wasn't your behaviour that caused what happened to you. It just wasn't. It just wasn't.
I know, though, how hard it is to believe that, because it took me literally decades to come round to this way of thinking about my own situation.
for you and I know you can be very very strong xx

House

And still not one of the rape apologists, or perhaps you prefer believers of rape myths, not one has said what they would think if the OP's DH had been raped by a gay man after accepting a trip to a club.

You can quote me but not answer that rather important point.

I assume because you would then believe the DH to have been raped through no fault of his own, whereas, lets face it, it was the actions of the OP that led to her rape.

Bollocks.

I've only read the first few pages of this and the stuff after MNHQ posted. No doubt this has been said before.

Simba I am so very sorry that this has happened to you. None of this is your fault. None of it. A man, known to your family, took advantage of you in the worst way possible, and the person who is supposed to be your first line of support is failing in that.

I hope you manage to access good help.

If your DH can't remove his head from his arse enough to support you in this, or sees you as damaged property now, more fool him.

We Believe You.

Just ignore the people peddling their rape myths on your thread asking for support. Their views say a lot more about them than any events leading up to a man sticking his penis into you without your consent says about you. Sadly, there are some people who wish to believe that, if they behave according to arbitrary rules, then nothing bad will happen to them. It's not true.

You did nothing to 'make' this man rape you. Nothing.

LastNight, could you name the posters who think op was to blame for being raped?

And still not one of the rape apologists, or perhaps you prefer believers of rape myths, not one has said what they would think if the OP's DH had been raped by a gay man after accepting a trip to a club.

That is because there are no rape apologists on the thread. HTH.

Morris Can you answer what you would say if the DH was raped?

Still not answering my question though Funky

HTH

Well said Puffins

If the DH was raped I'd say omg that's terrible. Wouldn't anybody? Nobody asks to be raped by going to a nightclub. Not a man, or a woman, a straight person or a gay person. Nobody.

Will you answer my question now and name the posters who blame the op for being rapedraped?