I have been very foolish

[Simbathecat]

I have just returned from a week abroad to attend my mums wedding to her partner, I went without my husband as he is working away.

I've had a lovely week with my mum and all of their friends and on my last night I was jokingly saying I'd been in bed by 10pm each night when the barman offered to take me to a club if I wanted. Mums partner has been coming to the island for 15+years and the general consensus was he was a "good guy". However I had had a lot to drink and no one thought it was a good idea for me to go. I was taken back to my room and made to promise to stay in. However very drunk and in the party mood all reason and common sense went out the window and I went anyway. I was not interested in this man whatsoever and naively thought he was my friend (him knowing my mums partner etc).

The inevitable happened and he had sex with me that wasn't consensual. I repeatedly said no, asked him to leave but he would not listen. I eventually left myself and got help from friends staying in the same building.

I have told my husband and he is devastated and very angry with me. He says that regardless of whether the rape happened or not my very act of meeting the man showed disrespect to myself, him and our marriage. He is of course correct.

He isn't home for another week and a half and I don't know how to fix this.

I can't believe I've been so foolish and naive to have put myself so obviously in danger and jeopardised my relationship.

Although there was evidence he had used protection I have taken emergency contraception and I will need to lie to work on Monday to make a humiliating visit to the health clinic.

Still not answering my question though Funky

Anyway getting raped is horrendous. Nobody is saying it's a fucking breeze.

What people are saying is that her husband [the man she married] would have cause to be upset if his wife got drunk and went clubbing with a man she did not know. The same as if a man got drunk and went clubbing with a woman he did not know. Or a lesbian's wife got drunk and went clubbing with another lesbian she did not know. Or a gay man's husband got drunk and went clubbing with another gay men that he did not know.

And that upset may well have got in the way of his emotions about his wife's rape.

Nobody is saying it is her fault.

Anyone getting raped is horrendous.

You wouldn't think he had been disrespectful to his marriage by going? You wouldn't have thought that his actions leading up to the rape should be looked at as an independent event and he should be judged accordingly? You don't think he was giving mixed messages? You don't think he was going on a date?

These are things the OP has been accused of.

I don't think anyone thinks this is a "date" rape - there was no date. This was a rape.

And I don't need to answer your question it has been covered many times in the thread. My premis is that anyone who doesn't believe that the OP had the right to go out with whoever she wished whilst married, including to a club when pissed, and therefore her actions in no way related to the fact she was raped is in my view a rape apologist.

If that's you...

Perhaps I can put it another way.

If the OP had received a lift home from the barman and had been in a dreadful car accident and had broken her back, on hearing this news would you have expected her DH to have replied "why were you in a car with another many and were you wearing your wedding ring?"

sorry another man

I said However once in that situation - you said no, and several times. And were raped. Which is horrific.

Hooty wrt some people (men in particular) not being enlightened about rape I just asked my DP how he would react were I in OP's shoes. He said he would think I was silly for putting myself in that situation but would tell me that he loves me and would take care of me. When I pointed out that 'being silly' is victim blaming he said rape is never the woman's fault, but as other pp have said getting pissed to the point of not being able to take care of yourself is unwise, male or female. So I agree that the DH's reaction may be borne of ignorance, not that that makes it ok.

I was date raped in my early twenties and have conflicting feelings on it. I was blackout drunk and he took advantage which I know is 100% not my fault. But no one forced me to go to his house alone and drink so much I passed out. A decent guy wouldn't have done what he did but I was stupid to put myself in that situation in the first place.

I'm probably not articulating myself very well. FWIW I completely agree with Morris - regardless of whether the OP crossed a marriage boundary it was not her fault she was raped and her DH's main focus right now should be supporting her. Any conflicting feelings I have are about my own situation only.

But you blamed her for it.

Blame is when you say 'it was your fault' still right?

Because you are twisting this for your own agenda, whatever that might be.

It may well have looked like she was giving out the wrong signals, I wasn't there. Even if someone gave out handouts saying she was up for it - doesn't mean the moment someone says no - they mean no. Two completely separate things. It is you saying that the two are linked, not me.

Only a rapist would have done what he did to you Amaretto. You say you know its not your fault, but you think it might be kind of don't you? If you hadn't had a drink? If you hadn't gone to his house? If he was a decent guy?

Nope. Not your fault. All his fault. You could have done a fandango naked and you still have the right to decide who touches your body and when. Always

Funky what do you think about my car accident scenario? Would you have blamed the OP for getting in the car? Would you have expected her DH to have reacted the way he did?

Or if she was drunk on a pavement and was hit by a drunk driver - would that be her fault? If she hadn't had a drink she might have got out of the way quicker? She shouldn't have been out after dark anyway?

Do you see what madness it is to blame one person for the actions of another?

Funky what do you think about my car accident scenario?

I don't think anything of it. It is completely irrelevant to the situation.

But it isn't, it's a situation that wasn't caused by the OP that ended up in trauma.

But it doesn't fit into your neat box of the actions of the OP ultimately leading to her rape. Which is what you have said up thread.

The thought of blaming the OP for a trauma that entirely wasn't her fault is only sensible in any situation. And yet some believe this not to be the case in rape and sexual assault.

I'm agreeing with the OP.

She says that in her relationship it was not appropriate for her to go out with another man.

That's not saying that she deserved to be raped because of something she did or didn't do. Of course she doesn't, nobody does. And I couldn't agree more with everyone in that respect.

What the rape means is that obviously the focus is going to be on how she deals with the rape.

At some point however, they'll also need to rebuild the trust in their marriage too as the OP didn't respect the boundaries.

They had boundaries, the OP knows she crossed them as she's said so.

If the man she went out with hadn't been a rapist (and I'm sure we'd all wish that he hadn't been) then this couple would be going through some major issues due to the OP breaking the boundaries.

Her intentions are not relevant, she knew it wasn't within their boundaries but went anyway. That's going to cause trust issues on top of everything else.

Dealing with a rape isn't easy in the strongest of marriages, doing so when the are other complications too makes things harder and I truly hope they can work it out.

OP I repeat my point

To blame oneself for the actions of another is the way to madness. You did nothing wrong. Your behaviour should not be in question,

I'm sorry you found yourself in the company of a rapist. I hope you and your DH manage to work through this.

Thank you LastNight, I know you're right. If it had happened to a friend and she came to me saying 'if only I had done xyz he wouldn't have done it' I would be furious, but for some reason it's much harder to see when it's yourself x

OP I hope you and your DH can come to terms with it and he supports you as he should

But it doesn't fit into your neat box of the actions of the OP ultimately leading to her rape. Which is what you have said up thread.

No, leading to her going clubbing with another man, whilst drunk. Which is outside of the boundaries that she and her husband had pretty much agreed on when they married.

It is you saying those actions ultimately lead to her being raped.

"It is you saying those actions ultimately lead to her being raped."

No, no I'm not.

Yes Amaretto it is, it took me a long time, but I did get there. I hope you do too x