I have been very foolish

[Simbathecat]

I have just returned from a week abroad to attend my mums wedding to her partner, I went without my husband as he is working away.

I've had a lovely week with my mum and all of their friends and on my last night I was jokingly saying I'd been in bed by 10pm each night when the barman offered to take me to a club if I wanted. Mums partner has been coming to the island for 15+years and the general consensus was he was a "good guy". However I had had a lot to drink and no one thought it was a good idea for me to go. I was taken back to my room and made to promise to stay in. However very drunk and in the party mood all reason and common sense went out the window and I went anyway. I was not interested in this man whatsoever and naively thought he was my friend (him knowing my mums partner etc).

The inevitable happened and he had sex with me that wasn't consensual. I repeatedly said no, asked him to leave but he would not listen. I eventually left myself and got help from friends staying in the same building.

I have told my husband and he is devastated and very angry with me. He says that regardless of whether the rape happened or not my very act of meeting the man showed disrespect to myself, him and our marriage. He is of course correct.

He isn't home for another week and a half and I don't know how to fix this.

I can't believe I've been so foolish and naive to have put myself so obviously in danger and jeopardised my relationship.

Although there was evidence he had used protection I have taken emergency contraception and I will need to lie to work on Monday to make a humiliating visit to the health clinic.

I agree with Lonny. I find it a bit weird, all these rules about what married women are allowed, and not allowed to do.
I was married ( to a knob it turned out but that's not relevant in this context) and he had way more stamina on a night out than me. He had lots of female friends, was in a band with a woman. I could totally imagine him going off clubbing with a known female bartender. It wouldnt have bothered me. If someone is going to cheat, its just as likely to be with someone from work, or a mum from the school gates . You cant legislate in a marriage against certain situations, you just have to trust, and be trusted.
I don't see why a married woman should have any shame about wanting the night to carry on, and going off to a club with a mate of her parents.
I think if her husband is focusing on the fact she was after a night out, and not the awful thing the man did, he is surely focusing on the wrong thing! Whoever had the TV licence/ bured down house analogy was almost spot on, except I genuinely don't think the OP did anything wrong.

Fucking hell Joysmum that's an awful post.

Why on earth would he need to rebuild trust and boundaries?!

What a ridiculous thing to think, let alone post to a woman who has been raped.

OP, I'm sorry that this has happened.

As you needed emergency contraception, do you think you might need an STI appointment also?

I can understand why your husband is angry, irate and devastated at what has happened; it's a shame he didn't vent that to someone other than you. Hopefully he will have calmed down when he returns home and will be in a better position to support you.

Lying, the op has an apppointment on monday.

So many people are misinterpreting the posts I have made. I agree with Folkgirl and others who think that for most people, this is crossing a line in a relationship. It would be in mine, it would be in the relationships of my friends and family.

The fact that the OP crossed this line is IN NO WAY related to the fact she was raped. The OP is IN NO WAY responsible for the attack on her. However, because of the attack, her husband now knows she was out with a guy in a nightclub. And he has a right to feel very mixed about it, as I would.

And it's not about telling women or married women what to do, or where to go, or trying to police their behaviour. It's about what's appropriate in a relationship between two people, male or female. The OP herself has said she wouldn't be happy with her DH doing the same thing.

I'm angry and offended that I'm having words put in my mouth. I absolutely do not blame the OP for being raped. And I'll keep making my point even though it's causing a pointless by fight because why should I accept the accusation of rape apologist when I am not.

Sorry OP, I'm glad to read your update and I hope you're gathering strength.

Bunfight, sorry.

This thread is making me so sad and angry at the same time. I actually cant read anymore.

There are women on here admitting to us they have been raped and some have never told anyone before. My heart goes out to you all. Don't think if only I hadn't done this, or gone there........ its not your fault! You are not to blame. I hope each and everyone of you gets the help and support you need to heal and deal with this.

For those of you who are discussing blame you should be ashamed of yourselves. If you can't say anything supportive don't say anything at all. I don't think these women need to read some of your comments.

MorrisZapp

Absolutely.

I will keep reiterating my point too - which is the same as yours.

Yet some people are not hearing.

It's making me angry too. I'm a genuine, kind person and a feminist to boot. I regularly get into spats IRL about rape myths. But I'm accused of blaming a rape victim for her attack despite doing no such thing.

Hello OP, I haven't read the whole thread, I just wanted to add my support. There was nothing inevitable about what happened, how on earth could you possibly have known thatsomeone who seemed nice and helpful would be capable of doing that to you? A normal person cant begin to think that someone would do that. You and your dh may both need specialist counselling. I hope you are ok. Please don't think this was in any way your fault.

It's joy's post that prompted my response and I am not extrapolating my comments to anyone else

I can see that some people are trying to kindly see all aspects of this situation, in a "grey areas" kinda way (Folk, Morris etc)

and others I identify with more are black and white on this issue

but some people are just as black as fuck and make me feel quite ill

MorrisZapp This is very close to home for me also and its hard reading. Ive lost track of who's said what now I wasn't meaning you.

Its just awful that there is even a suggestion that a woman asks for it or is to blame. She's not.
I thought the thread was becoming a cat fight rather than being supportive and that saddens me that women aren't all standing together on a subject like this.

However, because of the attack, her husband now knows she was out with a guy in a nightclub. And he has a right to feel very mixed about it, as I would.

He has a right to feel "very mixed" about his wife's rape because she went to a nightclub with the man who raped her?

Maybe you aren't usually a victim blamer or rape apologist, but on this thread you are being an apologist for a victim blamer of the worst stripe.

He blamed his wife for her own rape and made a big song and dance about "working through it", ie as an infidelity.

I can't see how you can justify that response without ultimately blaming the victim.

Do I agree that the OP will have to rebuild her husbands trust? That depends on their relationship, and what comes out when they discuss this more calmly. The first priority is obviously to make sure OP is supported after what has happened to her. Longer term, if they are still together, then yes I think they will inevitably have conversations about trust in their relationship.

Some people don't mind their partners going out with other men/ women. But I think OP and her DH both share the view that going to a club with a man/woman you've just met is not really on. So her DH will no doubt want to talk about that, further down the line.

I am so sorry for what happened to you.

You have not been foolish. You were on holiday and went to a club with someone trusted because you were in the party mood. That is all, nothing more. You were enjoying your holiday, this was in no way your fault.

Your husband has no reason to be angry with you. I am pleased that you have spoken to him about it again and feel a bit more positive. You did not disrespect him or your marriage. There is nothing wrong with continuing your evening by socialising with someone of the opposite sex. You have done nothing to jeopardise your relationship. You were taken advantage of by a rapist, there is nothing you could have done about that.

Your husband should be doing all he can to support you and help you through the horrific experience you have been through. I am sure that he is devastated and shocked, probably feels helpless and is angry that something so awful happened to you. I hope that when he has got over the initial shock he will realise that he has been totally out of order in saying what he did and that he will give you all the support that he should.

You should not to have work on the trust or boundaries in your relationship. You have done nothing to warrant a loss of trust and you have not overstepped any boundaries. Any opinions otherwise are appalling. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling but I hope you are okay.

No, he does not have a right to feel mixed about his wife being raped. If he blames her for that he's a twat.

But he does have the right to feel mixed about her going to a nightclub with a guy, because in most relationships, including OPs (she said herself) that would be a trust issue.

House, they will need to talk and talk won't they. Hopefully OPs update was right and he will come to see that his knee jerk reaction was unfair and unkind. They can work this out, both of them, with time and help I'm sure.

I think the wedding ring comment was cruel, yes. If you would end your marriage over a comment like that then of course that's your business.