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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is our whole marriage based on this?

123 replies

WotchOotErAPolis · 05/01/2015 23:46

Recently my DH and I have not been getting on very well (for last 3/4 years really). He has now started to say that he enjoyed it when we first got together as he thought it was funny that whatever he asked me to do, I just did (from putting the kettle on to things we did in bed). I'm at the stage where I am trying to be more assertive (it is new year after all!) and he seems to be reacting by saying that he liked me submissive. Is our whole relationship just based on him getting me to do things I'd rather not & me just doing it to avoid a confrontation? I have started to answer back or say no when he asks me to do something I don't want to.

I gave him a piece of my mind this weekend when he actually related that story in front of a close friend! I told him straight away that I was angry he'd said it in front of a friend and we'd discuss it later. The friend kept quiet thank goodness.

He works away 4days a week & quite frankly I don't miss him when he's away. Sometimes I don't look forward to him coming home as he will expect 'stress relief' (never referred to it as making love even in the early days) after he's then spent hours snoring in front of the tv, farting & shouting orders at the kids. Somehow I'm supposed to feel turned on when I go to bed at eg 11:30 & he comes up at 01.30 feeling randy.

How to stay assertive and how do i react to him when he tries to explain my assertiveness by telling me I "seem angry all the time"?

Maybe I should add that we've been married nearly 20 years and I'm not looking forward to the next 20 if this carries on!

OP posts:
Milmingebag · 05/01/2015 23:54

Can't see why you are bothering to stay in this relationship. Urgh! He sounds horrible.

Original poster
WotchOotErAPolis · 05/01/2015 23:58

Just in case anyone gets offended if I 'disappear' (been ticked off by a MN'er before for being a OP'er when I didn't immediately respond!) it's only cos I'm going to bed with a book (I can do that while he's not here!) a I'm actually knackered now.

OP posts:
TalkingintheDark · 06/01/2015 00:06

Tell him damn right you're angry all the time after all these years of being treated like a slave, tell him to fuck off and sort his own stress relief out (you do realise that women are now legally entitled to say no to sex they don't want, even within a marriage? And that if he coerces you, it's rape?)

Tell him you'll stop being angry when he starts treating you with love and respect and consideration. And that if he can't manage that, then you don't want to be married to him any more.

20 years of this shit?

You deserve soooooo much better. All you've got to do now is believe it.

TalkingintheDark · 06/01/2015 00:08

Enjoy the book Smile

emeline · 06/01/2015 00:09

Nice that he's away for four days a week.

AnyFucker · 06/01/2015 00:11

Just divorce the fuller

he sounds like a pig

Original poster
WotchOotErAPolis · 06/01/2015 00:11

MMB & TITD: sometimes it's so obvious when you type it up & read your own OP & replies! There may be other MNers out there who
recognise me, as I've 'been here' before & still nothing's changed.

I will read that book for a bit & come back in the morning for a serious rethink.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/01/2015 00:11

fucker

defineme · 06/01/2015 00:11

I am so sorry, this sounds appalling and abusive. You hate it when he's home. You like being on your own. Why are you staying in this marriage? I bet the kids are happier when he's away too.

Original poster
WotchOotErAPolis · 06/01/2015 07:33

defineme: oddly, (or not) the kids are better behaved when he isn't around.

The question still remains [despite MNers advice] when does 'laziness' in a 20-year marriage become 'abuse'? I have been advised to think on the good things and try to list his positive qualities but there aren't many. That doesn't mean he doesn't have some, just that I don't recognise them?

The big issue that keeps us together is money [of course] - we have 3 DSs and he has just landed a great job earning a big 5-figure salary whilst I earn £550 pm in a p-t job that I love. I can't put the children through a divorce whilst one is about to do GCSEs and I don't earn enough to keep us all afterwards.

My DS [sister?!] has supported me for a long time and suggested I have some assertiveness training as I have got so used to not fighting back when he behaves like this. He has got used to me being a doormat and I've got used to not standing up for myself. Rather than go for divorce straight away, maybe I need to actually list the things I am concerned about and talk them through with him, knowing there will be a huge bust-up [well we should both want to fight for the family to stay together & I need to learn to fight back!]. Then at least I can say that "we talked it over, but nothing's changed" and then go for divorce?

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 06/01/2015 07:39

when does 'laziness' in a 20-year marriage become 'abuse'?

It really doesn't matter. You do not have to prove abuse to get out of a relationship. If you are not happy, and want to be out, then get out.

The talking it through might help you to limp on for another 5 years. Then it will have been a quarter of a century that you have been with a man that only liked you when you did everything for him.

Flimflammer · 06/01/2015 07:42

How old are your children? I'm hoping you will say late teens so you can get away from this oaf asap.

How worrying that he said it was"funny" to get you to do anything he said. That for some reason seems very hurtful.

BlueBrightBlue · 06/01/2015 07:42

You're a long time dead.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/01/2015 07:51

It becomes abuse when you respond like a victim of abuse. In a good relationship you'd feel more confident, not less. In an equal relationship you'd express yourself rather than be told you were only any use when behaving submissively, Becoming more assertive is an uphill struggle when you are living with someone who is constantly slapping you down again.

I know 'LTB' is easier said than done but my sincere feeling is that you would find you were a totally different person, more confident, more assertive etc. If you were in your own environment and not being treated daily with contempt

If you wanted to take some steps towards taking control of your own life then you may find information more useful than therapy. If you want to imagine independence, rather than working on scary assumptions, do some research. A short session with a solicitor can be especially illuminating, for example

Original poster
WotchOotErAPolis · 06/01/2015 07:53

My boys are 12, 15 & 17.

Yes, flimflammer, for some odd reason the 'funny' comment was the most hurtful thing he's said recently as it harks back to the very basis of our relationship & the fact that he said it in front of a dear (mutual) friend hurt too.

OP posts:
Original poster
WotchOotErAPolis · 06/01/2015 07:55

Cogito - sorry what's LTB please?! Aha - "leave the b@&tar@"???

OP posts:
Moniker1 · 06/01/2015 08:06

There will be a reason not to leave for years with DCs of those ages, exams, leaving home etc

I think the fact he is away for 4 days is why you are still together. My DH worked away and we had this 'poor DH such a demanding job' and so when home I waited on him hand and foot. Such a mistake. Also the high salary makes it seem harder to leave.

If he can't see that belittling you to others isn't wrong it's not worth discussing this or trying to make him see your point of view. Also he doesn't value you so your views won't be relevant to him.

Telling him you are no longer sleeping with him and plan to apply for divorce as soon as DS has done his exams might make him wake up.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/01/2015 08:21

"Then at least I can say that "we talked it over, but nothing's changed" and then go for divorce?"

This why you need a plan and information. Being very clinical about it, if you talk it over and nothing changes... what then? You say 'go for divorce' - fair enough - but you need to be ahead of the ball and know what 'go for divorce' would mean in reality. How you'd share the parenting adequately. How you'd split the assets. How much maintenance you'd need for yourself and your DCs.....

If you talk it over and he makes big promises to change.... what then? What are the specific changes you need? How would the changes be effected? How would success be measured? How long would changes have to go on for in order to be regarded as permanent? (Controlling bullies who prefer their wives to be submissive very capable of making an effort short-term but then slipping back into old habits)

Balders74 · 06/01/2015 09:09

Hi Wotch
I have just ended my marriage to a similar man, although mine does not have a good job, our financial situation is the opposite to yours.

However, my STBXH make snide comments all the time. I too used to wait on him when we first got together because his Mum had done it and he expected it and I wanted to be with him - sad I know! Over the years I have asserted myself and reduced that waiting on but he has not stepped up and is incredibly lazy.

The snide remarks erode your self-esteem and made me feel like sh*te. I told him on many occasions that I was unhappy and he would either deny their was a problem or promise to change, depending on how many tears I shed.

So now I have told him it is over and apparently he is completely blindsided!!! More like he just assumed I would keep taking his crap.

If you haven't spoken to him about how you feel yet then try that but if this has been going on for 20 years then it is firmly entrenched in his personality and I doubt it will be easy to change.

I hope you find the strength to get your views across Flowers

TalkingintheDark · 06/01/2015 10:06

He doesn't sound like a kind man, at all. I doubt that talking to him will change that.

You worry about the effect on your sons of splitting up. What about the effect on them of staying? You've already said they're better behaved when he's not around. Effectively, they're learning how to be men from him, how to behave in their own relationships with women. Is this what you want them to learn? Do you want them to be like him?

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 06/01/2015 10:48

Hes not the only dh who comes to bed feeling like that either. Its annoying isnt it. Hope you work things out soon.

Guyropes · 06/01/2015 13:08

You will and can manage on £550 per month. Get legal advice.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/01/2015 13:20

£550/month... plus share of any marital assets... plus an ongoing share of the NRP's salary as maintenance for DCs.... plus any top up benefits.....

ImperialBlether · 06/01/2015 13:48

Twenty years of this? I need to lie down just at the thought of that.

Flimflammer · 06/01/2015 14:18

Given your boys ages, would it be possible to split in July after the middle ones exams, if you think you do want to leave? Keep it quiet till then and get the practicality of moving etc done in the break. As others have said there will always be a reason not to make a decision, but I don't think its fair to expect you to wait till the youngest has done his GCSEs.

It will be hard, but it sounds like life is already. Do your sons notice your unhappiness? It would be dreadful if they modelled their relationships on your marriage. What you really need ASAP is to gather as much info as you can about assets and income, get to a solicitor and find out about what would happen if you divorce.

It often gets said, but you really do deserve better than this.