Is our whole marriage based on this?

[WotchOotErAPolis]

Recently my DH and I have not been getting on very well (for last 3/4 years really). He has now started to say that he enjoyed it when we first got together as he thought it was funny that whatever he asked me to do, I just did (from putting the kettle on to things we did in bed). I'm at the stage where I am trying to be more assertive (it is new year after all!) and he seems to be reacting by saying that he liked me submissive. Is our whole relationship just based on him getting me to do things I'd rather not & me just doing it to avoid a confrontation? I have started to answer back or say no when he asks me to do something I don't want to.

I gave him a piece of my mind this weekend when he actually related that story in front of a close friend! I told him straight away that I was angry he'd said it in front of a friend and we'd discuss it later. The friend kept quiet thank goodness.

He works away 4days a week & quite frankly I don't miss him when he's away. Sometimes I don't look forward to him coming home as he will expect 'stress relief' (never referred to it as making love even in the early days) after he's then spent hours snoring in front of the tv, farting & shouting orders at the kids. Somehow I'm supposed to feel turned on when I go to bed at eg 11:30 & he comes up at 01.30 feeling randy.

How to stay assertive and how do i react to him when he tries to explain my assertiveness by telling me I "seem angry all the time"?

Maybe I should add that we've been married nearly 20 years and I'm not looking forward to the next 20 if this carries on!

You can manage very well without him.

Your wages.
Child benefit.
Child tax credit.
Working tax credit.
Child support (significant)
Your share of the assets if the marriage.

Good luck

I suppose I also ought to mention that the other reason I've not gone the divorce route is that his sister is a top notch solicitor so would be her v my new-and-doesn't-know-me-very-well solicitor!

Wotch,

You will be entitled to your wages obviously, plus child benefit and tax credits, whatever happens.

He is obliged to pay child support at the % rate of his salary.

No judge after 20 years will see you walk away from this marriage without a fair share of the assets.

when does 'laziness' in a 20-year marriage become 'abuse'?

laziness itself is not abuse. Deliberately choosing a partner because you know you can take advantage of their 'submissive' nature IS abuse:

He has now started to say that he enjoyed it when we first got together as he thought it was funny that whatever he asked me to do, I just did (from putting the kettle on to things we did in bed)
.....on this basis alone i would say he targeted you and has been abusing you ever since. so the whole of your relationship has been based on abuse.

i'd go on sex strike until all the issues that are bothering you have been dealt with to YOUR satisfaction.

what - you're scared of his sister op?!!!!! i say f* her and the horse she rode in on...get your legal advice and do what you need to do. DO NOT be intimidated by her just because she 'knows' him, most solicitors are very well trained in their jobs and will do their utmost to help you - it is what they are being paid for after all. you also don't need to settle for the first solicitor you come across, take advantage of as many 'free 30 minute of legal advice' as you can until you find a solicitor you click with.

don't allow fear or guilt to stop you being your self.....that's how 'they' win.

Your situation sounds dreadful. Your children don't appear too happy with it either. You would probably find that they flourish away from his barked orders and crap. They may well dread his return each week - not a great way for a child to grow up.

There is only so much that his sister/solicitor can do. She and he are not above the law. It sounds like you want to leave, and that you would be much happier away from him. Use your time wisely to plan leaving and divorcing. Find a decent local solicitor, go equipped with all the financial information you need.

Your happiness and your DCs happiness is far too important to allow this crap treatment of you and them to continue on and on and on....

Thanks so much for all your support in this. I will be making some appts with solicitors over the next few days. As DH is away anyway I won't need to explain my movements to him.

I would strongly recommend that you find a way to get his ill treatment documented. GPs can be a good confidential way to do this. If you are suffering any kind if anxiety or depression as a result of 20 years of 'stress relief' sexual abuse, that is worth putting on record. Womens Aid can also recommend solicitors that have experience with Domestic Abuse cases. If you can also confide in a trusted friend, this will help.

I'm sure his solicitor sister will be disgusted by his behaviour in due course.

He's vile OP.

A total self entitled slob and it made my skin crawl when you described your sex life.

Yuck.

No amount of money would make me stay with that awful specimen.

Is your sister in law an awful person too? I ask because if she has any feelings for her nephews and any common sense she wont want to get involved in a hostile divorce. Would she even be allowed to represent him, given the fact that you are related? Has this come up in a discussion before, because if so it could just be something he's saying to put you in your place. It would be an odd conversation between brother and sister if she'd agreed to help him with a hypothetical divorce before the two of you had mentioned it.

Yup, he's clearly in the wrong OP, this is shit and either he needs to MASSIVELY change things, which is unlikely, or you need to flick him.

I think as daft as this sounds, your kids would be happy for you to split. They are not stupid, they can see you are unhappy and I bet they are too.
You don't need a big messy divorce, it can be done on the cheap.
With tax credits etc, you'll be just fine, not rolling in it, but free of all the shite and "comfort" rewards.
I take it DH is a trucker am I right?
He treats you appallingly and he's not going to change, the love has long since gone,and what is there to redeem?
Sod his sister, she's not married to him.
If for whatever reason he is not forthcoming with the maintenance, you can still live, your boys are old enough to let themselves in after school if Mom has to work full time.
If you are not home owners the divorce should be a doddle.
I know I'd rather live off dripping on toast than Kowtow to Jim Royle.

Then at least I can say that "we talked it over, but nothing's changed" and then go for divorce?

Say to who? You can go for divorce any time you like, you don't have to justify it by going through the charade of 'talking it through' with him. Just do it now. He's not been reasonable in marriage and he won't be reasonable in divorce. Don't expect that. Just move forward yourself and forget about his approval/co-operation.

He's hardly loved or cherished you has he?

It's your life and happiness, and I'm certain your kids are not blind to his obnoxious and disrespectful ways; even if he is bringing home the bacon.

Hubby can always go and find himself another doormat/comfort bottle.

".... shouting orders at the kids."

Thats enough. He is a bully. If you hang back for him you will loose any chance of a future adult relationship with your boys. They will move out asap or not want to come home to visit to a shitty atmosphere created by their Dad - they may also see you with contempt - for being a doormat/stressed/enabling/indulging him - and not protecting them from him.

He can be gone by the end of the month/week as he is away most of the week anyway then the divorce goes thru - if you need to sell up and move - time the move for post GCSEs.

Quick update. Saw a solicitor at lunchtime for an initial consultation. I now am reassured that me & the kids will be ok £-wise at least & we will be able to afford to move house if we need. I have an appt at Relate tomorrow for an assessment so that's positive. At least I will know that practically we will be covered & by tomorrow I'll know whether or not it's even worth trying to salvage the marriage without a divorce.

I'll update you all if course!

The Relate appt is just for me as I don't think he will be very keen so I need to ask them how to broach it with him.

Well done, Wotch. Good to see you taking positive steps. Not sure how helpful Relate will be though, have heard mixed things about them, but it's definitely good you're going alone. And great that you've reassured yourself re the financial aspect of things.

Wotch, I'm so proud of you!

Great idea seeing Relate.

Relate isn't just about salvaging relationships; it's about supporting you and helping you make the best decisions for all concerned.

There doesn't need to be bitterness, just an acceptance that you marriage has come to the end of the line.

Rooting for you x

I think people tend to marry the people they want to be with, or think they want to be with.

If he married you because he liked the fact that he could boss you around, make you submissive, and generally act like a prize A dick, then he probably isn't suddenly going to be happy with someone who answers back and doesn't cater to his every whim. Because he's a dick, basically.

But that's his problem and not yours. If you're no longer happy to be treated with disrespect, then you have every right to finish the relationship.

fantastic OP! [GRIN] good luck, we're all rooting for you!

What you should do is completely change your attitude unexpectedly. Start saying no randomly. That is the best way to bring reasonable dialogue into a relationship.

TBY: that's something I touched on at Relate appt this aft. Now that I have seen a solicitor I feel a bit stronger to tackle the next stage.

I have also had a chance to rationalise the emotional side with Relate. I actually feel quite level headed & less muddled so when he comes home tonight I don't have to say anything but like you suggest, I can try to respond better knowing that I can always stress how serious this is by then telling him that I know what my emotional & practical rights are. After years of trying to get him to see how serious I feel about how he is treating me withno real backup, I know I have an ace up my sleeve should I need it. If he says he can't/won't change, I'm not so scared to say "ok let's agree to go our separate ways & call in the lawyers"

OK - quick update before I serve up family dinner! I feel a "you need to go away and think about your behaviour" chat coming on tonight.

I mentioned that I'd got an electric shock from the light switch in our room that threw my arm backwards and I could still feel the ache from it by the time I got downstairs and told him about it. All I got was 'humph' but no suggestion that he'd check it out (& he is perfectly capable as well as having all the tools).

He also still hasn't sorted out a share account he has in the USA that amounts to $9K. He has been sent notification that if he doesn't do something about it by end of this month, the U.S. Federal state will take the money back and absorb it into US funds - in other words we will lose the lot. He has 3 methods of contacting them and sorting it, but he still hasn't, despite repeated reminders from me.

We had "the talk" last night". I'm not sure he quite understood the emotional effects his behaviour has, and continues to have, on me. He has gone up north on the train with food for thought. I didn't threaten him with the fact that I'd seen a solicitor, nor did I mention the D word. I'm holding that in reserve.

He did say that maybe he ought to just not come home this week, so I replied that if that was how he wanted to handle it for now, then maybe he should.

He also asked me to text him all the numbers for the plumbers etc I have called in to do the DIY jobs he hasn't done, so he can sort them all out. He didn't receive them for some reason, but maybe that's handy as it means I retain control of that side of things. If I'm at home and he's away now, it actually is my responsibility anyway? I've pointed out that it's taken this effort and a talking-to to get him to acknowledge it needed doing in the first place!

I hope he spends the train journey contemplating? I did get the "I have a tough week ahead of me and how could you dump this on me now" speech. I can reply to that one, as I have been divorced before >25 years ago, and was sent away from home to work to try to help me cope, so I know how hard it is to take a mental bashing and carry on working, which I reminded him of. There is never a right time to broach something like this so whenever I'd told him it would have been the 'wrong time'.

I haven't even started telling him all the things that make me feel so down, but actually he initiated the chat kind of, by asking me which I preferred : the weekends when he's home, or the week when he's away. Why would he ask me that if he hadn't actually noticed I was unhappy? Was that his way of saying that there's something wrong but he was trying to force me into initiating an admission of guilt in some way, so that he could feel less guilty and accuse me of putting stress on him? (Does that make sense?)

This morning I actually feel quite level headed. Like I've done all the crying already and am dealing with things more rationally, which might be the only thing he'll respond to.