i'm 71, but the stress keeps on coming, advice please......

[tryingtogetusername]

I've endured decades of stress and worry re my 4 dc-2 boys 2 girls.
now in their 40's/50/s it still keeps coming.
last year ds...who is 51...returned from living in new Zealand, homeless and penniless, turned our lives upside down, then returned to nz, ...end of.

youngest dd turns up, "borrowing" money, turns my life upside down again, then disappears again.

next month, ds who is 48, says he is coming "home" as his work visa has expired , been working abroad for 2 years.
has no savings, nowhere to live, no job, no car, just expects me to pick up the pieces yet again.? just turn up at heathrow?

he was given/offered amazing opportunities in the past, college/uni, different course, and supported constantly.

yet he has made a total mess of his life, both working and personal.
he is a kind and thoughtful man, but is just like a feather in the wind, going which way the wind blows.
what do I do when he simply turns up ?

I have had a "difficult" life, battling for survival , yet managing to provide for the dc while they were young.

but, now I want/need some peace for myself.
am I being selfish?
my dh has endured the worry and anxieties of the last 3 decades, we just want to hide away in our little bubble, and leave them to it now.

help please.

I also think you need to consider what you want in case you and your DH become unable to manage your affairs. Would you trust your children to use your money for your care or do you think they would spend it on themselves? If the latter, then you need to make arrangements for a trusted person or a professional to be your power of attorney.

Because of my brother's alcoholism (now sober) my mother's finances are set up with JOINT powers of attorney, meaning that any actions must have both our signatures. We have joint access and submit receipts for accounting to each other. We both agreed this was the best way, although there were never any issues about misspent funds. On the other hand, my cousin and her brother had separate powers of attorney and her brother was merrily using his mother's money to facilitate his lifestyle until she caught him out. His justification? It was 'his money anyway, someday, so who cares if he spends it now or later? Why doesn't she just do it too, she needs things doing on her house, after all?'. She was appalled!

So it isn't just now that you need to think about, it's also down the line.

Trying,if you give to one,you do realise that they'll play you off,one against the other,don't you?