i'm 71, but the stress keeps on coming, advice please......

[tryingtogetusername]

I've endured decades of stress and worry re my 4 dc-2 boys 2 girls.
now in their 40's/50/s it still keeps coming.
last year ds...who is 51...returned from living in new Zealand, homeless and penniless, turned our lives upside down, then returned to nz, ...end of.

youngest dd turns up, "borrowing" money, turns my life upside down again, then disappears again.

next month, ds who is 48, says he is coming "home" as his work visa has expired , been working abroad for 2 years.
has no savings, nowhere to live, no job, no car, just expects me to pick up the pieces yet again.? just turn up at heathrow?

he was given/offered amazing opportunities in the past, college/uni, different course, and supported constantly.

yet he has made a total mess of his life, both working and personal.
he is a kind and thoughtful man, but is just like a feather in the wind, going which way the wind blows.
what do I do when he simply turns up ?

I have had a "difficult" life, battling for survival , yet managing to provide for the dc while they were young.

but, now I want/need some peace for myself.
am I being selfish?
my dh has endured the worry and anxieties of the last 3 decades, we just want to hide away in our little bubble, and leave them to it now.

help please.

Part of the problem seems to be that they live abroad. As an ex-pat myself, now in my 60s, I find it is hard to return to the country of my birth as there no longer is a family house there.

Mind you, my DCs do call me to vent, often about work or work colleagues, something which might not be tolerated so well by their partners or friends. They don't actually want advice (they are adults why would they?) so perhaps that is partly what your DCs are doing, and not really expecting you to take on their problems and fix things.

I also have a DB who always, always, always has a life full of problems, twice divorced, financial difficulties, and always, always, always he never listens to any advice or suggestions, just motors on to more stress. So I realized eventually that I was just a punchbag for him to vent to. So now I let him ramble, complain, criticize (everything is someone else's fault) but don't engage, don't step in to 'help'. And in fact our relationship is now much better than in the past.

So perhaps just not engaging is the answer. Just be someone they can moan to.

They are stuck in an infantile relationship with you. Time to get tough. I never relied on my DPs, couldn't due to their circumstances - no money and poor health. Yes, I resented it a bit in my early 20s when friends could always go home and be parented but it was good for me. Ex on the other hand still has DM bailing him out - it allows for irresponsibility and not only keeps the parent/child relationship alive but makes the DCs make too many stupid choices.
Tell DCs that finances don't allow for help. If DS comes home then give him a month to sort himself with a job or goes on benefits. You will be doing him a favour in the long term.
Tell all your DCs that now you've turned 70 you need to look after you own needs

it seems to me, that each time there is turmoil in their lives, of their own making, they bring it back to me.(they all had a fully supported and generous start in life)

it might me sound like "poor me" but I just want it to end now.

so when ds, age 48, turns up, with suitcase in hand, he will expect b&b indefinitely.

I will Skype him this week, and when he says he will be returning home, I will ask what plans he has made.
I don't want/expect my 40-50year+adult children to continue using me as an escape route, causing turmoil, then moving on to another venture, with my nerves in shreds.

what a joy it would be, if even one of them rang, or called and said how are you mum, anything I can do for you, or do you need anything.
instead of this constant explosion in my life.

Stick to your guns. Be proud that you gave them a fully supported and generous start in life. Be aware that a 'start in life' is not meant to be for the subsequent 40+ years. If there is a bad response when you tell DS that the B&B has 'no vacancies' (quite likely if he's a freeloader) have some really good answers ready prepared to roll out.

What's his usual way of getting you to cave? What's your Kryptonite? :)

That is SO unfair trying and you have to be firm and stop this cycle of behaviour. What if you were ill? Would they just carry on regardless?

My DCs are adults although only in their twenties and I am sure if I had let it happen there would be one of them who would drain me with some drama or other going on. I listen, I give advice, I feel honoured they value my opinion, but that's as far as it goes, they have to stand on their own two feet now they are independent adults. (of course, if something awful happened, I'd be there regardless). If I felt put upon in any way, I wouldn't even be helping with advice!

And every now and again they just do something thoughtful and kind that makes it all worthwhile. That's what it should be like for you trying.

when he says he will be returning home, I will ask what plans he has made.

But the point is, you will have to lay down the law with them. As if they were still teenagers, because emotionally these people have never grown up.

I think the key word in this sentence they all had a fully supported and generous start in life is start. They didn't seem to grasp the idea that this was meant as a springboard, not a place to hang out forever.

Take control - you deserve to live life on your own terms.

I knew a bunch of siblings like your DCs... Their father had inherited a lucrative family business the proceeds of which enabled him to put all the DCs through private schools, buying them yachts, ponies, holiday homes, the works. If they were short of cash, cash was sent. If they wanted a car, a car would appear.

Then he went bust. Did they rally round and offer assistance? Not a bit of it. They sat around moaning about what a terrible father he was, depriving them of their birthright.... (It was a bit like 'Dallas') As a kid from the wrong side of the tracks whose parents had very little but would split the last chocolate digestive three ways if necessary, I have never forgotten how shocked I was at their attitude.

they bring it back to me

he will expect b&b indefinitely

using me as an escape route, causing turmoil, then moving on to another venture

Sounds like you have been a bit of a doormat, OP, you have been too nice.

Are you actually fixing their problems or, and this is what it sounds like, propping them up financially etc until it suits them to move on.

Just tell DS that you aren't letting him move in with you when he comes back as you prefer to be alone with your DH now. No explaining or justifying, just state as a decision made. Surely he can scrounge off his siblings if he is stuck.

The worm has turned.

Oh, and you will be surprised how their respect for you grows once you show you mean what you say (and they are over the initial shock).

They will shout, rant and rave at you saying NO, no doubt. But they aren't used to it. Let this be the start of them getting used to it. You are 71 and deserve some peace and quiet.

Act like a bank, get treated like a bank.
Time to cut off the credit lines, frankly.

when ds was made redundant here in the uk, he was deeply in debt, but didn't appear to be worried at all.it was difficult for him to find a new job that would support himself, plus pay off debts.
so I persuaded him to find work abroad.

I actually got him his flight to try to make him forge a new life where there was plenty of work.
so, he worked, now his visa has expired but he hasn't made any plans for the future.
I am his only family member here in the uk, he has no one else to turn to, but....I have truly had enough.
I will definitely ask him what plans he has once he returns.

what a joy it would be, if even one of them rang, or called and said how are you mum, anything I can do for you, or do you need anything. Yes that would be nice and that would be a 'normal' adult response/question to one of their parents. But your children don't have that relationship with you. They just see you as a stop gap between doing what they want, when they want, spend all their money how they want and the mum (and dad) will just bail them out as they have always done.

Stop making a martyr for yourself, they are adults, the sooner you stop indulging them the sooner it fixes itself

And if you don't them it's because you actually enjoy it

I am one of four siblings all about the same age as your dc. There, I'm afraid, the similarities finish. Partly because we are, I hope, nicer than you have described your dc and partly because our parents have been very clear, from an early age, that they expect us to be independent. I wonder if this stage in your dc development is missing? You simply never said that x or y isn't your problem?

Please start drawing up boundaries right now and them keep them. I would actually email ds before you Skype and set some things gently straight. Ie:' Hi ds, ( happy new year and so on). I need to speak to you about your return to the uk. I don't know what your plans are but do need to be clear that sadly we won't be able to have you to stay here. Our health is not what it was and we need to reduce stress and expense. We are sure you will understand and probably have made arrangements already, you aren't a teenager after all! Do let us know your plans as we are looking forward to seeing you.'

You will get some strop pines in return, because frankly he sounds as if his relationship with you is stuck in teenage mode! but at least you have put your position down clearly. Then stay firm.

It's not too late to make some changes with your dc but, and I mean this kindly, you need to make some changes of your own before they will change.

Good luck.

My parents were always helpful to my siblings and I to the extent that it did not endanger their own financial wellbeing. None of us expected that they would bankrupt themselves to take care of us. Money borrowed was promptly repaid unless they made it clear that it was a gift that they could afford to give.

My brother moved back home a couple of times after redundancies and the final time was due to alcoholism and his life falling apart. But each time, including the last, my mother drew a line and he was expected to help her out with household upkeep and buy his own food and he did. He was a very good caretaker of her home, her finances, as well as taking care of her.

You just need to draw the line at what you feel comfortable in doing, even if that's nothing at all.

Dear Son

Hope you're well and have had a good Christmas.

It will be nice to see you when you come home. Whereabouts will you be living? Dad and I could come up for the day to visit you and you could show us around. A meal out would be nice if you can afford it; it's ages since we've been able to treat ourselves.

Things haven't been so good here. I don't know whether you've read about this in the newspapers over there but there's been a huge problem with our company pension. It seems we were overpaid for years and now we have to pay it all back. While we had a bit more money, you children have been able to have a lot of it. I'm sure you remember that I've given you X for flights, X for this and X for that. The other three have had the same, so of course we were never able to save anything.

It's going to be taken out of our pensions directly so we're going to be absolutely broke.

We're interviewing a couple of widows this week who might be able to be lodgers with us - this will help us pay some of the bills but not all, of course. This means it would be better for us to come and see you as I can't really take on lodgers and then expect them to put up with visitors all the time!

It's such a worry being broke! I hope we're not going to have to ask you and the others to repay the money we've loaned you over the years, but please make sure you keep some by just in case. As you said to me last time, we're all family and helping each other out is what families do. We could have a good chat about it when we meet up next. I know you'll want to help us just as we helped you in the past.

Let me know when it's a good time for us to visit.

Love,

Your Mother

If the OP has cash, a large house and good health I don't think they'll get very far by claiming to have no money, no room and being unwell. The decision not to bail him out or be a free B&B is totally independent of the OP's circumstances and made for very good reasons - encouraging self-reliance, reduction in stress, recognising ingratitude, ... etc And that's probably what the OP needs to tell all the DCs.

Cogito, sadly it sounds as though the OP's son wouldn't have any time for her if he thought she had no money. For as long as he thinks she has, he'll be asking for money. I don't think she can change any of them now, though of course that doesn't mean she can't write to them and tell them it's time to be self sufficient.

The OP said at the outset that they'd had decades of stress and wanted some peace. If they would all disappear if the OP said 'I have money but it's no longer available to you'.... then they'd be really shitty people that the OP is probably better off without.

OTOH If the OP said 'you will get my money after I'm gone but you have to look after yourselves between now and then' it could result in major sucking up or an Agatha Christie style murder plot :)

inheritance, well that's another issue I have remembered.it was just 5 years ago that ds2 "expected" his inheritance early as he didn't have anywhere to live, although I had actually brought a house for him some years earlier...which I actually took back as he didn't pay any bills, and tried to move people in without permission.

I think I have been too weak, not laid out enough boundaries, maybe I am reaping what I have sown.

I suppose, at the end of the day, I just want it to be all happy families, but have to accept that it's not like that in reality.

chuckling mumsnet, the new source of real life family murder mysteries ...

fwiw I think your children have been extraordinarily lucky to have you, trying.

But now they are taking the piss. Maybe they have been for a long time. It's time to say No.

Prepare for screaming and shouting. People fight it when they have to grow up.

it might be rather interesting to see how they behaved to you if you said you were leaving your money elsewhere.

I just knew one of them would have asked for their inheritance in advance. Make a will leaving it all to a Home for Distressed Drag Acts... and don't tell them :)

Yes you are reaping what you've sown to an extent but it doesn't mean it's too late to change