i'm 71, but the stress keeps on coming, advice please......

[tryingtogetusername]

I've endured decades of stress and worry re my 4 dc-2 boys 2 girls.
now in their 40's/50/s it still keeps coming.
last year ds...who is 51...returned from living in new Zealand, homeless and penniless, turned our lives upside down, then returned to nz, ...end of.

youngest dd turns up, "borrowing" money, turns my life upside down again, then disappears again.

next month, ds who is 48, says he is coming "home" as his work visa has expired , been working abroad for 2 years.
has no savings, nowhere to live, no job, no car, just expects me to pick up the pieces yet again.? just turn up at heathrow?

he was given/offered amazing opportunities in the past, college/uni, different course, and supported constantly.

yet he has made a total mess of his life, both working and personal.
he is a kind and thoughtful man, but is just like a feather in the wind, going which way the wind blows.
what do I do when he simply turns up ?

I have had a "difficult" life, battling for survival , yet managing to provide for the dc while they were young.

but, now I want/need some peace for myself.
am I being selfish?
my dh has endured the worry and anxieties of the last 3 decades, we just want to hide away in our little bubble, and leave them to it now.

help please.

The stress will keep coming if you do not set boundaries, now. Don't allow yourself to be used [esp. without thanks! that is appalling], keep your money for yourself and your DH. It's high time for you now, and long, long overdue. Treat yourselves, have a holiday, move away [generally be unavailable]...just enjoy your time together now. Your work is done...and was done a long time ago.

Do not be manipulated, or be the subject of their emotional blackmail. Make your wishes clear and don't budge from the fact you have done your bit, they are adults and you can't bail them out any more.

It sounds like they have been spoilt, they feel entitled, are immature and need to grow up and are pretty unpleasant to you all round. You have been enabling their dependencies and their ridiculous helplessness. You actually sound bullied by them. For your own state of mind and any chance of some peace in the future you have to now stand up to them, and say no, no more.

My grown sons have never, ever asked for anything from me other than love and support and to be there for them. But they saw me have financial [and emotional] struggles at times and learnt how to deal with adversity and how to depend on one's own resources. I think hardship brings with it valuable lessons whereas being given everything/money aplenty is not altogether much of a learning curve.

yes, I have been bullied for years, emotional blackmail, threats "never to see me again" if what they wanted wasn't forthcoming.
I never had someone who could stand up for me, which they must have recognised, but I suppose it's my fault alone that I couldn't be stronger.

I wonder why your DH isn't taking more of a stance here, to defend and protect you? They may not be his DC but he has a responsibility to you and your marriage, your life together and your well being. Not doing anything is not fair, and is just running away...leaving you floundering. You need support and for him to strongly back you up.

Bullies pick up on all the circumstances, they sniff out vulnerability and exploit the situation. But time to take control now. Take control, set the boundaries, firmly [keep repeating the same phrases over and over if you have to, until the DC get the message...you're done], and live your own life/lives.

At 71 there really is no time to lose. I'm only a little younger and so many of my peers have already passed away, it really hits me every time I hear these people in their 60's have gone. Time goes by so quickly, life is short.

I think I have been too weak, not laid out enough boundaries, maybe I am reaping what I have sown

This seems somehow familiar - did you post before about your daughter's visit and her impact on your finances?

What you wrote (above) is perfectly true; they take utter advantage of you because you've made sure that they've never had to be any different. The question now, though, is whether you actually want to do anything about this, or if you just want to unload about it to all of us?

From what you say ... I'm really sorry ... but if they threaten never to see you again unless you give them what they want, then they may only love you for your money. I'm sorry.

I don't think you need to feel it's your fault. Really. You came from a very hard place and wanted so much better for them. You loved them. At worst,"not wisely, but too well". Certainly unconditionally. You've given them so much more than many people receive from their parents.

It is very hard to be perfect when you are on your own and have no one to stand up for you. Please try to be forgiving of yourself and be gentle.

An a practical note, it really isn't too late to start putting limits in place.

I think a letter to all of them.

Dear children

We have supported you all for many years and been happy to do so. Then list some stuff that you have done.

However, there comes a time when enough is enough. None of you are teenagers or even in your twenties or thirties. You have all reached a stage in your lives where you should be established and able to cope with the vicissitudes of life as we did when we were your age.

Your father and I have decided that we no longer have the good health or resiliance left to cope with any more financial and personal disasters that you may encounter. We will always be here as a listening ear and a bed for a night but, with few years of value left ro us, we want to relax, kick back and have some stress free time not worrying or having to cope with supporting you or coping with you living with us.

Economics of retirement and possible future care needs are a belt tightening reality. Whilst we have been generous in the past, this cannot continue so we would appreciate if you do not ask as to say no is stressful and saddening but a necessity.

You are all well educated, kind, loving and well rounded people with a wealth of experience behind you. You all have many years of happy futures in front of you. we will always be your loving parents but from henceforth any further financial or housing support will not be given to any of you. You all have a pair of feet it is time to stand on them.

Lots of love.

OP-it sounds as if you have done your best and have tried to be a good parent-but you are not being fair to yourself and your husband.
I am sure that if one of your children was in an unavoidable bad situation-due to severe illness for example you would be the first to help but you can no longer have them taking advantage.
If they threaten not to see you etc I would just say that you are sorry they feel like that but you are getting older now and can do without the stress of arguing.
I wouldn't make excuses and just say that you think staying with you is not going to work for either of you.
This must be very upsetting for you-try to build other nice things in your life with friends etc.

Definitely go with Flapping's letter. Same to all of them at the same time. Let them moan and groan about it to each other and say what they like. Don't sound as if they will rally round if you need some family support.
At your age you need far less stress and far more fun - you can't take it with you and being blunt health and happiness for yourself is now a bonus that can't be taken for granted.
Given that one DC has had a house bought by you and then mucked it up, they should be bloody grateful.
Once saw a Gordon Ramsay programme when he screamed at a son pissing away his family's money and goodwill. He said with lots of expletives that the last time he asked his parents for money was when he was 12 and any adult should be ashamed of asking parents for money.
Please do send that letter and then enjoy your life stress free

OP, to be blunt - you need to be protecting your capital from these vultures. When you are old and need looking after, I guarantee you will not see these people for dust. You need to be able to pay for your care.

Do some very serious financial planning - you have to protect yourself.

OP, if they carried out the threat to 'never see you again' what, really, would be the loss? It sounds as if you don't derive a lot of happiness or satisfaction from your relationships with them.

You must protect your financial future. Let's be realistic, children like yours aren't likely to be willing to care for you and/or your DH in your declining years, are they? So you'd better be sure that you have the resources to pay for sheltered living or home carers.

What is life for and what is it all about, if it isn't about doing the right thing.

If my friends turned up homeless I would put them up, same for my children. Could I rely on them for the same, a hope so and I have no reason to think no.

I hope I am bringing my children up to realise the importance of doing the right thing.

I think its highly unlikely they will threaten me and use blackmail because they won't need to, but also because they would have no inclination to.

Would I want to be hiding in my bubble when I need their help? no, but should I isolate myself and put my needs above everyone, I couldn't blame them for doing the same and leaving me to my bubble.

Life is what you make it so the saying goes, but a good life is not always the same as a happy life.

Not sure I really understand your post Mini- What is "doing the right thing"?
I would say that it is caring for others whilst still being fair to ourselves.
Yes-a good Mum puts their children first-but continuing to support ungrateful adults who are still not taking responsibility for themselves really isn't helping anyone. They are not learning a sense of responsibility.
Obviously if physical or mental health issues make it difficult for an adult to be fully independent that's another issue.

drudgetrudy if everyone thought in terms of doing what is right rather than what is pleasurable for themselves, it may be that life would be a little less painful for everyone.

Nah, I am not having some religious moment I just think that its hard to be happy if you doubt whether you are doing the right thing. Not saying we should martyr ourselves to ungrateful bastards. Morals- if its immoral to murder then it is immoral to murder under all circumstances. If you add all sorts of ifs, buts and maybes you end up with morals that are relative. So each person can pick and choose what is right and wrong for them. In which case no action can ever be said to be immoral, including blackmail or threatening your parents etc,...

So, if we all did the right thing (supposing we ever decide and agree what is right) then no one is subject to an immoral act. Whether that be blackmail and threatening and using your parents, or parents turning away their adult child.

OP must do what is right for her, and will make her happy. I am just putting forward the idea that happiness isn't always about pleasure, sometimes its hard to be happy unless you know you have done the right thing.

I think this thread is really sad. I'm just wondering trying if all four are as bad as each other? Surely not. I just feel for you, I would be so upset and disappointed and I'm sure you are. Is there one of them you could get onside and explain how you feel to?

I think you need to ask yourself whether you are prepared to not see one, two, three or four of them again if they make such vile threats to you that if you don't give them money, they will disappear. I'm afraid I couldn't be held to ransom like that and I would clearly state that that is their choice. and I would rewrite my Will!
Flapping's letter sums it up.

It sounds as if OP has been trying to do the right thing and has been putting others needs before her own for a long time.
Of course I think it is a good thing to be supportive to adult children -but by the time people are in their 40s and 50s surely the relationship is reciprocal.

My parents are a similar age (a little older) and are financially supporting my older brother (late 40s, single with very poor health so unemployed). It's an awful situation for everyone and if I could afford to help him out I would.

We've all of us, at some point or another had $$ from my parents (house deposit, financial support after a marriage breakup etc) but it was always on the understanding that this was coming out of whatever $$ we may get when our parents pass away.

Mum keeps a book with everything listed in it with her will. Is that something you could do?

I'm nearly 40 and won't talk to my parents about money as I know they'd feel obliged to help out (as mum says that's what family does) but I want them to enjoy their retirement in as much financial comfort as possible.

OP - I really think now is the time to get tough. Your children are well past the age where they should be benefiting from your money - in fact, now is the time for them to be looking after you.

I'm afraid I couldn't be held to ransom like that and I would clearly state that that is their choice.

This

Trying I have not read every post but from what I have read you have done the right thing! And then some.

I agree with flappings letters.

I agree with AcrossthePond55, what would be the loss if they did leave you alone!

I am not sure they would all leave you alone if the money source dried up, I presume they do love you but are a pretty ungrateful and unfortunate bunch. The thing is you simply cannot continue to supply money, resources and space for all of them when they need it for their lives.

At some point the money will run out and so will the energy and so will you!

You love them, tell them, but also tell them you are no longer able to do all you did for them in the past and they will need to stand on their own two feet.

Good luck.

I think getting someone, DH or another sibling, to speak up on your behalf to tell them how things will now be just proves to them what a wooss you are and will reduce any respect they have for you not increase it, and will probably annoy them that you are getting someone else to interfere in their affairs, I would be furious if a sibling had a firm chat to me about how my relationship with my mother should be.

Also, if, at your 40s/50s you cannot see that spongeing off your elderly DM is NOT how to run your life, chats from other people will be a waste of time.

It's action that's needed. You don't have to be nasty, browbeat them for what they've done wrong, to explain why you are behaving this way. Just a simple no, to money requests, you need it for yourself.

Gosh, I feel for you.

I'm interested to know about their upbringing. You say you worked - which most mothers do now - but feel the kids lack common sense. Was there a nanny? How did it work? I don't know why you are blaming yourself which makes me question the back history.

It is appalling they expect you to pick up the pieces. And don't thank you. But as a parent, I think there needs to be a gradual withdrawal now.,You paint a picture of (some of) your kids sounding feckless and naive and I wonder how they will cope with being completely homeless etc.

I would offer 6 weeks of a room and no cash. Expect them to find some kind of employment. I think living with virtually no money should focus anyone's mind....

They do sound incredibly entitled. I sometimes think I rely on my mum too much (I'm younger than your kids) but it is more in relation to the odd babysit for my kids and I always try to remain grateful. But I know she does far more for us than her parents did for her.

It makes me question my own parenting style a lot as I'm cosseting my kids way too much.

trying, if paying out for/to your daughter depleted your pension pot, how are you living? On what? It sounds as though you may once have been well off (owning another house etc), but may now be living on not much more than a state pension.

Your children are blackmailing you - 'give us money or we won't see you.' Try responding with, 'Stop bleeding me dry or I won't see you.'

This is a truly awful situation which has at least in part been facilitated by you. I sound harsh but I feel extremely sorry for you. Only you can do anything about it.

No, no and no to any more demands for money. If you tell your son he can stay for a couple of weeks, what can you do if he refuses? Best not let him come and stay at all until he has established himself with a job and somewhere to live. His responsibility, not yours. What does your husband have to say about the situation?

Sorry - one other point. Are they all as bad as each other? Is there one who hasn't had the same support or help? Who will feel pretty disgruntled with being tarred with the same brush, as it were?

I am one of three and one of my siblings is rather entitled (although nothing like your kids). She has asked for loans (which mum declined) and is rather ungrateful. She also does the least for my mum.

I would be really upset me if my mum ranted at us all, given my sibling's behaviour, as I have tried to help my mum over the years too and we have a more equal relationship.

sadly, all 4 have behaved in similar thoughtless ways, yet all differently than each other.

ds, who will be coming back to the uk, rarely contacts me.
the occasional reply to my email, but it's like unless he has a problem it's out of sight or out of mind.

the others the same.
I am lucky to actually receive a birthday/Christmas day/mothers day card at all.

if fact dd...who has just left...did leave me a Christmas present, but in wrapping paper from the shop itself...I actually re-wrapped it myself to make it look nice.

no, I didn't have nannies etc, when they were small, I became self employed and managed to lift us from the poverty trap we were in. being self employed and working from home , I was always there for them, so they weren't neglected in any way.
each one suffered bouts of depression at one time or another, I spent weeks, months, years talking/supporting/advising them ,whilst running a business to keep the roof over their heads.

"wanting to give my children a better life" was my determination to succeed, but it all backfired monumentally.

fortunes spent on "courses" that were abandoned, uni educations that led to high flying employments that led to disgrace, businesses that led to depressions and isolation.
maybe they thought that seeing me as a successful businesswoman, was easy, and they weren't cut with the same cloth?
I don't know, just don't understand how given the best start, they are all in a mess in their 40's/50's.
which in turn sometimes makes me wonder, if it was all worth it.