Should I leave or compromise? Step-family related

[peachpower]

I’ll try to be succinct but my head is all over the place.

Been with DH 8 years, married 4.5. We have DD, 18m, conceived through IVF. Generally, we have a fairly good relationship. We are great friends, have similar values and parenting styles and have a good laugh together.

I have a DN, 8 who has been mainly brought up by my Mum due to problems with his mother. The plan is that when he is 11 and switching to secondary school, he will live with us as Mum is getting older and won’t be able to manage. DH does not want this, we almost split up over it after a year of marriage. He feels it isn’t how he wanted his life/family set-up to be and although he has accepted that it WILL happen, he told me last night when talking about it, he still feels very angry and resentful that he was ‘backed into a corner’ about having him (after a lot of soul searching and anguish, I realised I couldn’t live with myself if we didn’t have DN, knew I would resent DH and so ultimately told him this. However he had told me prior that it was divorce if I wouldn’t compromise on this so I guess we both felt backed into said corner). DH has since said this was in temper and he didn’t want to lose me but part of me feels that it was more he didn’t want to start over again and lose face after being married for such a short time so he agreed.

Since this point, we had come a long way. Discovering fertility issues, having treatment, having DD and also having a pregnancy loss. I thought we were a different couple for all this, have become closer and are very connected, and were planning ivf again this year. But, it seems that actually DH hasn’t moved on from his feelings about DN. If anything, having DD he said has made him realise he could never be really happy with the situation as he wants everything ‘right’ with DD and knows DN living here will affect his idea of a perfect family. I thought having a child would change these views, want to nurture DN as he would relate to children much better. He says he cares about DN, feels sad for him and loves him like he loves other members of my family but would throw himself in front of a bus for DD and there is no comparison between the two. Is this how people feel about step-children for example?

I am now in a position where I have to decide if I should leave my marriage because it seems when DN lives here, there will be conflict and resentment from DH – am imagining DN acting up for example which is perfectly normal for a child and how DH might react compared to DD – and the damage this would cause to DN who is already dealing with the complex situation he finds himself in. I know that to leave now would be better rather than leaving if it all goes tits up once DN is here.
On the other hand, I feel DD would be happier if we were together. DH is a wonderful Dad and they are very close. I worry for her if we separate. I know she is young but she will be growing up not seeing both of us every day and that hurts me for her. I feel like whatever I do I will be damaging either DN or DD.

I am also scared about separating as DH has said before he would fight for residency of DD if we were to split. The thought of not seeing her every day is awful enough to me, let alone if I were to only have 50% or less residency. DH has the financial means to go to court but I wouldn’t if we separated (would have to represent myself).
Other factors are, although he is great most of the time, he (IMO) has anger issues and a very negative outlook on a lot of things. I feel the separation would be bitter and this worries me, for me and for DD. And also for DN who is close to DH too and thinks a lot of him. I feel in such a mess.

I do love my DH, but realise our marriage isn’t as strong as it should be if I am feeling like this, and if he is too. But, this is where we are. Married, connected to each other, with a child, and I can’t see the wood for the trees and if it would be foolish to try and make this work or if splitting up our family now is the right thing to do or not.

Any thoughts or insights appreciated, thank you.

If you have been the SAHM and he works then it's unlikely he'll get 50/50 surely? DD would be in childcare most of it, which would be unsettling for her when she could be at home with you, which is what she's used to.

I'm back.

To-do list during nap time:

1. Wash pots
2. Sort out marriage

To attempt to clear up a few things:
DN's Dad was brought up in care and has no contact with his family. Further, he hasn't seen or attempted to see DN for 4 years. DN's Mum (my sister) drifts in and out of DN's life, often with gaps of several months and has not been a reliable, parental figure since he was a young baby.

She has previously had 2 other children removed who are now adults (my other nephews). One adapted well, the other has had some problems with self-esteem, self-harm and alcohol abuse. I have been there for him a lot, helped him access support and counselling and do feel that I am well enough equipped to deal with issues DN may (or may not) face as he grows up. So far, he is a beautiful natured, loving little boy and he needs us. I'm afraid I don't like the implication he would be better in foster care. Foster care can provide a safe and loving environment - but when there is no family alternative - and I can offer him that. I really want to be flexible and show willing with my DH, but this is something I decided 3 years ago I could not compromise on and DH (eventually and reluctantly) agreed.

There are no other siblings or family who could help but the idea of moving close to DM and DN is a very good one and I will raise it. It would still need to be with the understanding that, in all likelihood, DN will live with us fully at some point, but if he had a home from home with us, it may well be better for him too to be based with DM still and near his friends. I think my Mum will really miss him also, rather than being able to enjoy a well-deserved rest. I guess we will see how flexible DH is willing to be here. It would mean moving further from PIL (they are in another neighbouring city on the other side of us) but that shouldn't rule this out completely.

With money, DH is very generous - we share 'our' money (though officially his savings are mainly from before me) - he doesn't talk that way, I just feel that should we separate, and I initiate, I would feel wrong taking what are ultimately his assets. Saying that, if he did refuse to co-operate in a plan for residency and wanted to go to court, that would change things as I am not moral enough to leave myself with no money for a solicitor if I needed to fight for my child. The thought of having a lot less money if we did split does not frighten me. Life wouldn't be as comfortable but I wouldn't stay for that and I know I would manage.

How long were you in counselling? Perhaps you could have another go. This time perhaps you're in a position to 'hear' where he's coming from a bit more. Perhaps also this has exposed some of the issues you allude to and they could be addressed.
I think about 3 months, I can't remember. I would like to try again, I think it would help unpick things, like this thread has begun to. He really wasn't keen on it but I'm going to suggest. If not, I might go anyway - I think it would be good to work out my conflicting feelings around it, although TBH I'm a little scared the more I look, the muddier my marriage will seem, though there are genuinely lots of good parts.

This 'perfect life' image I raised that a lot of posters have picked up on does seem to be an issue with DH in other areas too - this thread has brought it to the forefront. He can be quite critical - of himself and others - and is very traditional as well. He had a very typical 2.4 family upbringing, lovely parents whom I'm close to, but they are and I think always have been a little closed-minded and also set in their own ways and additionally MIL especially - negative and anxious. I think a lot of this has passed on to DH and he isn't very adaptable really.

Whereas my family has always been very 'colourful' lots of things kicking off with sisters from an early age, DF ill-health who then passed away, Mum bringing up 3 DNs - I've seen a lot so am probably a bit more flexible.

What I also now understand from pouring all of this out and reading the responses is that so much of his personality is tied up in this issue with DN. He can be difficult, he does get stressed easily, he does worry and he does have quite a negative outlook a lot of the time. He's hardly going to be all 'yippeee' about such a big change. If I'm being honest with myself, we are not best matched as I have no hesitation about doing this and will make the best of it. DH has a lot of good qualities and he is not a bad person, he is kind in so many ways but is I think quite inward-facing and unable to just go with things. If I had this head on my shoulders seven years ago, I would not have carried on the relationship. But I didn't, and we did.

In work and other relationships, does he get angry/resentful when things don't follow a certain path or is he able to rethink

He definitely struggles to let go of things and can be quite bitter. E.g. we have both lost jobs but he still talks about what happened to him now, 2.5 years on. I think he can be a bit 'why me??' and whilst we all feel down and fed-up at times, he is in the lingering camp which probably explains why, three years on from agreeing, I have discovered he's still so pissed off. In other areas though, he is a total rock - when our DD had some health issues, when I had an ectopic pregnancy, through fertility issues, IVF, anything these things threw at us he was right there and doing whatever needed to be done.

of course in the event of a divorce he would want as much time with your dd as possible, won't you be doing the same thing? I would be assuming 50/50 care of your dd until you know otherwise

Yes, he is as much a parent as me so has every right to want residency too. However, selfish as it may be, I would really hate to see DD for 50% or less of her childhood, it would be killing, simple as. This is a massive factor for me (and I'm glad so many people raised it) as to why I am currently leaning towards staying. Also agree it is possible that DH might go on to have children with someone else, though it isn't massively likely due to fertility issues and age. However he could well gain step-children which would be just as complicated for DD. It would be ironic after all this if he ended up living with someone else's kids right?

I feel now that the best I can do in this very complex situation, is try and talk to DH about turning this around to make the best of it. Be it moving, counselling or other things he may have thought of. It will be a gamble though - knowing whether or not he will cope when DN lives with us / almost lives with us if we move - and I know could well lead to the end of us eventually anyway. If I don't try though, it seems certain that DD WILL be disrupted and that isn't fair either. Am I being a coward or is this as sensible a choice as I can make if DH is willing to give this a proper go?

Thank you all again so much - I really the input.

PS. Sorry - didn't say: No, DH doesn't know what I am considering. He asked me last night if I still loved him which I do, but this on here is me trying to get my head straight before talking to him again. I do feel very sorry for him as neither option is great, but surely making the best of the DN option would be better. I hope.

If he doesn't know divorce/separation is a potential outcome then I think you are overthinking it. He may well want his life to stay the way it is forever but it won't regardless of whether your nephew lives with you or not - you will doubtless face many other challenges and problems over the years that you will both have to rise to - and divorce would be a hell of a bigger change than a step-child, imo. He may well feel that he has been coerced into a position where he has to take on DN but the situation is not ideal for anyone, including you. DN is a vulnerable child and you are both adults who are able to support and have a relationship with him and, to me, that does mean there is an obligation to do so.

The problem, as far as I see it, isn't that he won't take in DN if he knows divorce is a possibility but how you make him aware of that risk without it sounding like an ultimatum and making him feel even more cornered/coerced .

Yes that's very true lalalonglegs I won't rush into the talk as I want everything straight in my head first and don't want to sound threatening. I might even write him a letter with everything laid out - how I'm feeling, how good this could be, that I do appreciate his position and am grateful he is doing this, but for everyone's sake, we surely want to do it as best we can. It might be a good starting point for a discussion and ensure I get to say everything without it turning into a row, as these tense talks can do.