Should I leave or compromise? Step-family related

[peachpower]

I’ll try to be succinct but my head is all over the place.

Been with DH 8 years, married 4.5. We have DD, 18m, conceived through IVF. Generally, we have a fairly good relationship. We are great friends, have similar values and parenting styles and have a good laugh together.

I have a DN, 8 who has been mainly brought up by my Mum due to problems with his mother. The plan is that when he is 11 and switching to secondary school, he will live with us as Mum is getting older and won’t be able to manage. DH does not want this, we almost split up over it after a year of marriage. He feels it isn’t how he wanted his life/family set-up to be and although he has accepted that it WILL happen, he told me last night when talking about it, he still feels very angry and resentful that he was ‘backed into a corner’ about having him (after a lot of soul searching and anguish, I realised I couldn’t live with myself if we didn’t have DN, knew I would resent DH and so ultimately told him this. However he had told me prior that it was divorce if I wouldn’t compromise on this so I guess we both felt backed into said corner). DH has since said this was in temper and he didn’t want to lose me but part of me feels that it was more he didn’t want to start over again and lose face after being married for such a short time so he agreed.

Since this point, we had come a long way. Discovering fertility issues, having treatment, having DD and also having a pregnancy loss. I thought we were a different couple for all this, have become closer and are very connected, and were planning ivf again this year. But, it seems that actually DH hasn’t moved on from his feelings about DN. If anything, having DD he said has made him realise he could never be really happy with the situation as he wants everything ‘right’ with DD and knows DN living here will affect his idea of a perfect family. I thought having a child would change these views, want to nurture DN as he would relate to children much better. He says he cares about DN, feels sad for him and loves him like he loves other members of my family but would throw himself in front of a bus for DD and there is no comparison between the two. Is this how people feel about step-children for example?

I am now in a position where I have to decide if I should leave my marriage because it seems when DN lives here, there will be conflict and resentment from DH – am imagining DN acting up for example which is perfectly normal for a child and how DH might react compared to DD – and the damage this would cause to DN who is already dealing with the complex situation he finds himself in. I know that to leave now would be better rather than leaving if it all goes tits up once DN is here.
On the other hand, I feel DD would be happier if we were together. DH is a wonderful Dad and they are very close. I worry for her if we separate. I know she is young but she will be growing up not seeing both of us every day and that hurts me for her. I feel like whatever I do I will be damaging either DN or DD.

I am also scared about separating as DH has said before he would fight for residency of DD if we were to split. The thought of not seeing her every day is awful enough to me, let alone if I were to only have 50% or less residency. DH has the financial means to go to court but I wouldn’t if we separated (would have to represent myself).
Other factors are, although he is great most of the time, he (IMO) has anger issues and a very negative outlook on a lot of things. I feel the separation would be bitter and this worries me, for me and for DD. And also for DN who is close to DH too and thinks a lot of him. I feel in such a mess.

I do love my DH, but realise our marriage isn’t as strong as it should be if I am feeling like this, and if he is too. But, this is where we are. Married, connected to each other, with a child, and I can’t see the wood for the trees and if it would be foolish to try and make this work or if splitting up our family now is the right thing to do or not.

Any thoughts or insights appreciated, thank you.

Boarding would not be an option. I very much feel children should live with their family and actually dh has said this too. I know it is right for others but not for dn- particulary after what he's already been through. But thank you.

Your marriage doesn't sound like it has the firmest foundations he sounds like a 'make do' husband rather than some-one you totally love. What if you let your DN go into care for the sake of your marriage and then because of your DH's difficult personality you divorced anyway in a few years time. Once your DN goes into care there is no getting him back. I would rather walk away from a DH that i'd sort of settled for than a child who needed me.

I don't think boarding school is so ideal, he will be leaving the only home where he has had stability for the great unknown of boarding school especially given your DN's circumstances regarding his natural parents. Only you know if your DN is resilient enough for this

If he's agreed to it (even under duress) then you should all suck it and see, you owe them all that. By then you might have your second dc, other dc will be older, it will all be different.

FWIW I think he would get 50% residency, isn't that what courts start from? I equally don't see why he would walk away with all the assets.

When you get to it you might find DN wants to stay with your mum and why are you so sure that it would be care if you didn't take him? Especially if you could take him weekends. So much of his day would be taken up with school and I don't see why he couldn't do his own washing, prepare simple evening meals. Lots of teenagers have it much worse.

I would agree with your DP and not want a child added to my family even if said child was in extended family. But I would probably agree if child went to boarding school. I think that's a great idea and your DN would thrive, structure and stability sounds like exactly what he needs and you would still get family times when he is a away and enjoy the time he is with you more.

I don't know if you have seen the aibu to think both parents should want to adopt thread? Though not the same it is similar in that you are wanting to add someone to your daily life that he does not.

Just picking up on the boarding school idea, there are some state run boarding schools.

I only know this because a friend of mine sent her son to one. It is called Hockerill College in Bishops Stortford. My friend's son attended as a day pupil, but some of the pupils boarded for the week and then returned home at the weekend and some boarded for longer periods of time before returning home.

The advantage of the school being a state school was that the only fees charged are to cover the actual boarding element of the school. No fees are charged for the actual education/teaching element just as they wouldn't be charged for in any other state school.

I don't think I could see a child go into care, even if it wasn't a blood relative. I'm not saying that I'd be over the moon at the additional responsibility and financial constraints but it's a child - they deserve people to go out of their way to look after them if they possibly can.
I can see why your husband isn't thrilled at the situation but the situation is what it is, so personally I feel the decent thing to do would be to get on board. If there are issues once your dn lives with you that become very difficult then obviously another discussion is needed and possibly another solution needs to be found. But surely you would want to try initially? I would be very disappointed if my dh wouldn't try and be positive to at least give it a go, and I'm sure he'd be the same if the roles were reversed.

Boarding wouldn't be a consideration for me either OP.

The thing is, this is only for about 7 years. That's not a huge amount of time over the course of most marriages.

Are there any other relatives who could provide two or three weeks' care a year?

As before, Boarding is definitely not an option, but thanks. I think it would be the worst thing for DN who is already in a vulnerable and insecure place wrt his position in the family

Boarding probably still better than being in care, but it sounds pretty awful to me. Sends the (correct) message loud and clear: we don't want you here.
I appreciate the "we" isn't the OP.

The part of life where a child is most "intrusive" is surely weekend family time anyway and holidays, not week nights.

I think it would be far better to work out something with the grandmother. Part time with you to give her a break, but him still seeing he has a home with her would be far more consistent than dropping him into a boarding school. I would try as hard as possible to keep him with her. It is what he knows, and he will get easier to care for as he gets older, not harder.

I am a step gran to 6 and a gran to 3 and I love them all although there is a special bond with youngest two as they are dd's and live near us.
I could not contemplate any of them going into care under any circumstances or indeed any child if I could help. Your dh seems lacking emotionally and I am not sure he is the right person to care gor your dn or indeed your dd.
Could dn split his time between you and his gran? Does he have contact with his father's family?

My heart goes out to DN and I'd want to do the same as you - but I can see reading this how DH might feel he's in a lose-lose situation and that would make me pretty angry and unco operative too.

Option 1) have DN move in - he's never been keen on this plan and has been open about it.

Option 2) if he refuses the inevitability of your option 1, then he loses his wife, his daughter, his home and family as the two of you split up, and potentially only sees EOW and mid week visit for the DD he adores. I can well see why he'd feel defensively all he'd have left to do was to try to get residency for DD, and yes, I can well understand it would be a bitter separation.

Does he have any alternative options of what to do? Can he unpack any further the reasons why he does not want to parent DN? I'm pretty sure wanting a perfect family isn't the whole and single reason there.

Yes, he's causing you a headache by not falling in with what you want, yes it might be the 'right' thing to do - but you have a future ahead with certainly one and possibly two children you love in your home. He's looking at either doing for you something he has been clear all along he doesn't want to do, or losing everything.

Does anyone else feel really sorry for dn here ? Passed around the family and uprooted when it suits? Does he even have an idea what the plans are ?

Thanks again for your input and perspectives.

I can see from this that I am being harsh towards DH and probably expecting too much of him. I have been unable to see things from his POV and judged him poorly for not doing what I would do in a heartbeat. We are different people and I should respect that. As rumble puts so well, he is caught between a rock and a hard place and neither scenario is desirable to him, it's such a mess. I will talk to him again about possible reasons, but he does just keep saying that it's not what he imagined. That, and possible links to my sister, who is a nightmare.

I just can't help but think though, shouldn't we be working as a team and making the best of a bad situation? Isn't muddling through and making our non-traditional but loving family work, better than either splitting or DN having no proper family support? I guess I struggle that in 3 years, he hasn't softened, I know I'm repeating myself but really - 3 years of still feeling angry and resentful? I wish I had known, as I'm sure he does too.

Thea I feel really sorry for DN, of course. That's why I'm putting my marriage on the line for him. This isn't the most desirable thing for him, but he's not being passed from pillar to post. He was removed from my sister by SS aged 2, placed with my Mum and has lived there since. We help out and he stays with us regularly - I think it is good that he has input and support other than from his elderly Grandma? I don't know what else I can do to help him as I don't have a magic wand to turn back time and make my sister an adequate parent. Last night the discussion started as I suggested we talk to DN soon, with my Mum about living with us in the future and gauge his thoughts / give him a plan and a chance to talk about things. This is when DH told me he was still unhappy and angry about what was decided.

I really can't believe people think boarding school would be ok for this boy. He is a child and needs a loving home.

If I was in your position op I would end the marriage. It's such a fundamental decision regarding your DN. I wouldn't think the same of my husband if he would rather see a child go into car than welcome him into your family. We would be incompatible if this happened to us.

Although I can also see from the replies that my fear and instinct about DH being a bit unfeeling is also probably correct. I wish it wasn't, but it seems a lot of people agree that looking after DN is the right thing opposed to care and would make the best of it. Is that really asking so, so much?

lunar I think you are right, and I hate myself for not seeing all of this sooner. We have a DD together now and things are a million times harder and messier because of it. I feel I have really messed up but worry for the future if I wait it out. Am I being foolish to think DH may be fine once DN moves in?

I wrongly wanted counselling to help him look at his reaction and feelings about this 'ideal' family and reluctance to take DN but that didn't happen

Why was this wrong? It strikes me as the nub of the problem, as it addresses his wider attitudes to family, not just dn.

I guess I now feel I was wrong as I was trying to change him. I'm so confused by it all tbh but agree the nub of the issue seems his reluctance to embrace something different.

I wouldn't want a partner who is mean and selfish. Only you can decide if you love him enough to put up with such unpleasant unsavoury character traits. Having said that I feel for you having such an impossible decision to make

Agree with Guyropes; counselling would seem a good way to get someone objective to help the two of you reason out what's possible and what your options are.

Could you not move closer to your DM and play a much bigger role in Dns life whilst he remains living with her?

Sorry OP but I can see where your husband is coming from.

Your don't seem to be taking your husbands opinion into account, I'm not saying he's right but you don't seem to care about what he wants, it's all about what you want and you have probably fucked up by assuming that he'd come round to the idea.

I'd also would not assume that he'd come round to the idea after you started to care for DN either, that's a recipe for disaster.

It is a difficult situation.

However. You almost split because of it but you didn't because your DH accepted that it would happen. So he agreed to it. To say he is still resentful and feels backed into a corner now is a bit off. He had the choice back then and he chose to stay with you knowing what was planned.

So you are where you are with his agreement.

I would point that out. And then HE has to decide what he wants. If he feels he can't accept that dn will live with you then HE should go. If he does accept him he needs to do it whole heartedly and not hold you responsible for every little argument etc.

In the meantime can you look at other ways to manage? If you lived closer to your mum it would be easier. Would she consider moving closer with dn? As she gets older it will be better to have her closer if she needs more help herself. When I say closer I'm thinking same street or around the corner or similar. Other option could be something similar to a granny annexe?

I'm in the same position as your DH, OP. When I got together with my DH, he told me about his nephew who lived with his parents for similar reasons to yours.

He also told me that there was a family understanding that at some point his DN would come to live with him - when his parents could no longer cope, or when he got himself settled (at the time we were both living in flatshares etc).

I guess my question would be how definite is this move? Is it possible that your DM won't find it as hard to have him as she/you think? Could you provide support for her and him, rather than taking him in entirely? From the child's perspective, a stable home forever is probably preferable, but I guess that depends on your DM, and obviously it'd be better for you to take him in if his life at your DM's will be really difficult.

For me, we're now years down the line and DN is still happily with my DH's parents, with no sign of that changing. I would be happy for us to have him if they couldn't - I knew it was something that could happen when I went into the relationship, and he's already had a tragic enough life without being rejected by another family member. It wouldn't even be a question for me - it's what families do! Yes, it'd be a bit scary and probably tough at times but we'd manage.

I think your DH is being pretty weird about his 'perfect family' - no family is perfect! I think it's pretty shit of him, to be honest - this is a child who has already had a hard time. The fact that your DH is threatening divorce over it is just really unfair, IMO.