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Original poster

Should I leave or compromise? Step-family related

130 replies

peachpower · 04/01/2015 09:25

I’ll try to be succinct but my head is all over the place.

Been with DH 8 years, married 4.5. We have DD, 18m, conceived through IVF. Generally, we have a fairly good relationship. We are great friends, have similar values and parenting styles and have a good laugh together.

I have a DN, 8 who has been mainly brought up by my Mum due to problems with his mother. The plan is that when he is 11 and switching to secondary school, he will live with us as Mum is getting older and won’t be able to manage. DH does not want this, we almost split up over it after a year of marriage. He feels it isn’t how he wanted his life/family set-up to be and although he has accepted that it WILL happen, he told me last night when talking about it, he still feels very angry and resentful that he was ‘backed into a corner’ about having him (after a lot of soul searching and anguish, I realised I couldn’t live with myself if we didn’t have DN, knew I would resent DH and so ultimately told him this. However he had told me prior that it was divorce if I wouldn’t compromise on this so I guess we both felt backed into said corner). DH has since said this was in temper and he didn’t want to lose me but part of me feels that it was more he didn’t want to start over again and lose face after being married for such a short time so he agreed.

Since this point, we had come a long way. Discovering fertility issues, having treatment, having DD and also having a pregnancy loss. I thought we were a different couple for all this, have become closer and are very connected, and were planning ivf again this year. But, it seems that actually DH hasn’t moved on from his feelings about DN. If anything, having DD he said has made him realise he could never be really happy with the situation as he wants everything ‘right’ with DD and knows DN living here will affect his idea of a perfect family. I thought having a child would change these views, want to nurture DN as he would relate to children much better. He says he cares about DN, feels sad for him and loves him like he loves other members of my family but would throw himself in front of a bus for DD and there is no comparison between the two. Is this how people feel about step-children for example?

I am now in a position where I have to decide if I should leave my marriage because it seems when DN lives here, there will be conflict and resentment from DH – am imagining DN acting up for example which is perfectly normal for a child and how DH might react compared to DD – and the damage this would cause to DN who is already dealing with the complex situation he finds himself in. I know that to leave now would be better rather than leaving if it all goes tits up once DN is here.
On the other hand, I feel DD would be happier if we were together. DH is a wonderful Dad and they are very close. I worry for her if we separate. I know she is young but she will be growing up not seeing both of us every day and that hurts me for her. I feel like whatever I do I will be damaging either DN or DD.

I am also scared about separating as DH has said before he would fight for residency of DD if we were to split. The thought of not seeing her every day is awful enough to me, let alone if I were to only have 50% or less residency. DH has the financial means to go to court but I wouldn’t if we separated (would have to represent myself).
Other factors are, although he is great most of the time, he (IMO) has anger issues and a very negative outlook on a lot of things. I feel the separation would be bitter and this worries me, for me and for DD. And also for DN who is close to DH too and thinks a lot of him. I feel in such a mess.

I do love my DH, but realise our marriage isn’t as strong as it should be if I am feeling like this, and if he is too. But, this is where we are. Married, connected to each other, with a child, and I can’t see the wood for the trees and if it would be foolish to try and make this work or if splitting up our family now is the right thing to do or not.

Any thoughts or insights appreciated, thank you.

OP posts:
CrispyFern · 04/01/2015 15:32

Your DN has done nothing wrong and you love him, you could make a happy family the three of you, with your DD. You'd be doing the right thing.

Don't send him to boarding school.
Don't let him go into care.
Do the right thing, I think that's what you are heading towards anyway. Life and families aren't perfect you know. Your DH sounds cold.

WannaBe · 04/01/2015 16:04

"I can't imagine living with someone who has issued the threats that your husband has. If I think about splitting up with my partner, I think what a wonderful father he is. I don't think, "I'd fuck you up if you left me", I think, "I'd want you to be as involved as possible with our children"." but presumably if you think about splitting your partner it's as a fleeting thought in a loving relationship, not as part of an actual discussion.

There's a huge difference between a hypothetical situation and being faced with a real possibility. people fight for survival when faced with losing everything, even the most reasonable people can lose all reason in a divorce.

BerylStreep · 04/01/2015 16:11

I don't think you should be considering another child at the moment, if you are contemplating splitting from DH.

I have to agree a bit with your DH - I think he is being realistic with the difficulties that bringing your DN to live with you could create.

Vivacia · 04/01/2015 16:12

Fanny I thought you were talking about discipline. I work with teenagers and would be pretty stuck if I had to rely on a man to set boundaries, expectations and enforce sanctions! In your reply you talked about role models, and I agree. It could be very damaging for the DN if his closest male relative can't be a reliable and positive influence.

DaisyFlowerChain · 04/01/2015 16:13

Don't let him go to boarding school or into care. Any adult that would let a child family member go into care when they could take them is selfish and uncaring.

The "prefect family" would ring huge alarm bells alone, what if your DD does something less than perfect in future?

You want to do this so do it. If he opts out, then that's his loss and shows his true colours.

Vivacia · 04/01/2015 16:13

Wannabe I wouldn't want a partner who issues me with threats, real or hypothetical.

Vivacia · 04/01/2015 16:15

I think he is being realistic with the difficulties that bringing your DN to live with you could create.

I think he's going beyond that Beryl. It's more than likely that the OP is aware of the realities from her mum. She needs her DP to give her more options other than, "no" or "I'll screw you financially and take your daughter away".

Tyzer85 · 04/01/2015 16:18

Am I the only one thinking that the OP's husband is allowed input in her decision because his life will also be affected? Or can the OP just steamroll over him regardless?

Vivacia · 04/01/2015 16:27

I think that's why this is so difficult Tyzer, because whatever his input is, the decision is ultimately a fait accompli.

Tyzer85 · 04/01/2015 16:34

I agree Vivacia, as the OP hasn't said how she's willing to compromise I unfortunately think that it's going to end badly either way. Her DH has an opinion and rightly or wrongly it's being written off as 'wrong' by the OP. He now has two choices, to help look after the DN or get divorced, neither choices are something that he wants to do but it seems like he's being forced to make one by the OP or she'll decide for him.

Vivacia · 04/01/2015 16:36

What compromises would you suggest? I get the feeling OP is open to suggestions.

Tyzer85 · 04/01/2015 16:38

Couldn't the OP and her family move closer so that they can help with the DN without having him full time?

Joysmum · 04/01/2015 16:43

Bravo Fanny, great posts Wine

FannyFanakapan · 04/01/2015 16:53

I think OP needs to consider how she will feel if she and DH do end up divorced and, as another poster said, DD has shared residency with her dad, maybe has a new stepmum and half siblings...OP will be stuck in the house with a possibly disturbed, certainly vulnerable teenager. I can see that, if teenage boy behaviour becomes challenging, she may also resent her DN, for "causing" the changes in circumstances and for "causing" a situation where she is separate from her DD.

OP, you need to think through the realities of parenting a possibly disturbed child/teen and how you will feel. COnsider how behaviour may impact your DD. COnsider what support you will have - will your mum be able to give you some space so you can rebuild a life for yourself in the event of divorce? Are there other family members that would be able to give you some respite? Will you be able to cope financially - consider whether you could take on DN as a foster carer, so you could access the support - financial and practical help and experience - of social workers.

Love, while hugely beneficial, is not always enough for these children.

Vivacia · 04/01/2015 17:01

I think that the OP is fully cognisant that this won't be a walk in the park. But I don't see the point of saying, "If you do this, another woman will be raising your daughter. Is that what you want to happen?".

CinnamonCake · 04/01/2015 17:09

I'd be concerned what it will do to the boy's self esteem if he moves in with you, OP, knowing he is the reason for you to split with your DH.

I wouldn't want to be in your shoes, it sounds extremely difficult. Your DH has a strange idea about the family life he planned for you. I would be extremely disappointed too, but I would think about the consequences for your DD.
May I ask why the possibility of the boy going back to his birth mum or dad is completely ruled out? Have they got contact?

MissBeehiving · 04/01/2015 17:13

Your DH sounds unpredictable and a bit scary, TBH.

DN isn't "disturbed" Confused - from the OP he seems to be insecure about his place in the family - there is no indication that the OP wouldn't be able to cope and actually deal with that better than foster parents.

m0therofdragons · 04/01/2015 17:44

Could you compromise so school holidays dn is with your mum for part of the time so you and dh get some time alone with dd?
My auntie died when my nieces were in primary. With just their dad (late 40s) and a grandmother who is 88, dh and I have them to stay in school holidays to help out and if anything happened to my uncle, dh and I discussed things and agreed we would take my nieces on. We have 3dds of our own so it wouldn't be easy.
The thing is, we discussed it and agreed together. It's a lot to surprise someone with.
Oddly though your dh is so keen on the perfect family he's willing to split with you over it?
I think I would tread carefully and start having dn to stay for the odd weekend. Dh may be able to see how life could work... But it may put him off more. You need to talk and get everything out while looking for a compromise, focusing on this little boy who needs love.

Guyropes · 04/01/2015 17:55

I see the fact that you live in another city from your dm and dn as a major part of compromise being difficult.

There are many more compromise options to try if you both lived in the same locality.

How much does your dm know about your difference of opinion with your dh?

Joysmum · 04/01/2015 18:06

Do you think his 'perfect family' comments and viewpoint is based on a need for perfection and him being unfeeling towards your DN?

Reading this I can only think that if my DH wasn't happy if this was us, it would be because he was worried about the impact on our DD and relationship and had just struggled to articulate that.

tribpot · 04/01/2015 18:14

I also worry that your DH has a fixed view of 'perfect family' that it's unlikely his daughter will conform to as she gets older. What will he do then?

CaroleLJ · 04/01/2015 18:16

Two things:

I went to a state boarding school and loved it. I came home at weekends. It's not necessarily a bad experience.

I had my daughter's friend come to live with us when she was around 14. She had issues at home, the alternative was to enter the care system and I gave in to pleading from both of them. It all seemed to work out well. There was just me (single parent) and two daughters. Looking back, I think that really upset the dynamic in our family. DD2 was very left out, being 2.5 years younger than the other two girls. DD1 and friend went to different universities and are hardly in touch now. DD1 and DD2 have never regained that closeness they had. (not saying I wouldn't do it again, just wanted to make the point that there are consequences)

I think it's unfair for posters to criticise the OP and the OP OH for only wanting what is best for their family and their lives. This is a huge decision - surely posters can give thoughts without judging either of them?

WannaBe · 04/01/2015 18:23

fanny tbh I think you are projecting a lot of your current situation on to the op. The children you currently foster have presumably had disrupted upbringings, possibly signifficant abuse both emotionally/physically and as such it stands to reason that you are likely to have disturbed teenagers in your midst. However the op's dn has had a stable life with his gm from the age of two with constant family input, and there is no mention of his being disturbed in any way atm.

Vivacia I do think tbh that the op needs to think through every part of her possible move to divorce her dh if he doesn't agree to this, because this isn't just about her, or about her nepphew, or her dh it's also about her dd will have no say in the situation at all, who will have to grow up between her parents and who will most likely develop a strong sense of resentment towards her cousin when she finds out that the reason that her parents divorced was because he came to live with them. In fact I would suggest that if the op is insistant that her nephew comes to live with them and she divorces her dh the disturbed teen will be the op's dd.

Joysmum · 04/01/2015 18:24

Looking back, I think that really upset the dynamic in our family. DD2 was very left out, being 2.5 years younger than the other two girls. DD1 and friend went to different universities and are hardly in touch now. DD1 and DD2 have never regained that closeness they had. (not saying I wouldn't do it again, just wanted to make the point that there are consequences)

Exactly.

This is why I think you should get to the bottom of this 'perfect family' comment. I can't see him it could be something as fascile as that?

For my part, I believe it's easier to raise your own than to take in a child you've not raised from scratch. I've every admiration for those that do.

Vivacia · 04/01/2015 18:25

I agree with much of what you said there WannaBe but I really agree with this, from Carole

I think it's unfair for posters to criticise the OP and the OP OH for only wanting what is best for their family and their lives. This is a huge decision - surely posters can give thoughts without judging either of them?

I just don't think it's helpful to be scaring the OP with maybes.