Should I leave or compromise? Step-family related

[peachpower]

I’ll try to be succinct but my head is all over the place.

Been with DH 8 years, married 4.5. We have DD, 18m, conceived through IVF. Generally, we have a fairly good relationship. We are great friends, have similar values and parenting styles and have a good laugh together.

I have a DN, 8 who has been mainly brought up by my Mum due to problems with his mother. The plan is that when he is 11 and switching to secondary school, he will live with us as Mum is getting older and won’t be able to manage. DH does not want this, we almost split up over it after a year of marriage. He feels it isn’t how he wanted his life/family set-up to be and although he has accepted that it WILL happen, he told me last night when talking about it, he still feels very angry and resentful that he was ‘backed into a corner’ about having him (after a lot of soul searching and anguish, I realised I couldn’t live with myself if we didn’t have DN, knew I would resent DH and so ultimately told him this. However he had told me prior that it was divorce if I wouldn’t compromise on this so I guess we both felt backed into said corner). DH has since said this was in temper and he didn’t want to lose me but part of me feels that it was more he didn’t want to start over again and lose face after being married for such a short time so he agreed.

Since this point, we had come a long way. Discovering fertility issues, having treatment, having DD and also having a pregnancy loss. I thought we were a different couple for all this, have become closer and are very connected, and were planning ivf again this year. But, it seems that actually DH hasn’t moved on from his feelings about DN. If anything, having DD he said has made him realise he could never be really happy with the situation as he wants everything ‘right’ with DD and knows DN living here will affect his idea of a perfect family. I thought having a child would change these views, want to nurture DN as he would relate to children much better. He says he cares about DN, feels sad for him and loves him like he loves other members of my family but would throw himself in front of a bus for DD and there is no comparison between the two. Is this how people feel about step-children for example?

I am now in a position where I have to decide if I should leave my marriage because it seems when DN lives here, there will be conflict and resentment from DH – am imagining DN acting up for example which is perfectly normal for a child and how DH might react compared to DD – and the damage this would cause to DN who is already dealing with the complex situation he finds himself in. I know that to leave now would be better rather than leaving if it all goes tits up once DN is here.
On the other hand, I feel DD would be happier if we were together. DH is a wonderful Dad and they are very close. I worry for her if we separate. I know she is young but she will be growing up not seeing both of us every day and that hurts me for her. I feel like whatever I do I will be damaging either DN or DD.

I am also scared about separating as DH has said before he would fight for residency of DD if we were to split. The thought of not seeing her every day is awful enough to me, let alone if I were to only have 50% or less residency. DH has the financial means to go to court but I wouldn’t if we separated (would have to represent myself).
Other factors are, although he is great most of the time, he (IMO) has anger issues and a very negative outlook on a lot of things. I feel the separation would be bitter and this worries me, for me and for DD. And also for DN who is close to DH too and thinks a lot of him. I feel in such a mess.

I do love my DH, but realise our marriage isn’t as strong as it should be if I am feeling like this, and if he is too. But, this is where we are. Married, connected to each other, with a child, and I can’t see the wood for the trees and if it would be foolish to try and make this work or if splitting up our family now is the right thing to do or not.

Any thoughts or insights appreciated, thank you.

even after they leave,

• fanny, that's the reason people are wary of care, not because foster carers aren't generally wonderful but that the placement isn't permanent.

maybe H has some deep need to shut the doors on the (big, bad) world with his cosy, 'perfect', family safely ensconced within.

That 'some' in there looked snide. yy it belies my feelings (sorry) but could be at the root of a legitimate need.

Sorry I wasn't clear.

This is such an emotive subject and I'm as guilty as the next of leaping up all 'but it's a child ! How could he not!' but it's not as simple as that and maybe he has his head screwed on in a way that those of us who respond from the heart just haven't, as we are blinded when it comes to something like this.

How long were you in counselling? Perhaps you could have another go. This time perhaps you're in a position to 'hear' where he's coming from a bit more.

Perhaps also this has exposed some of the issues you allude to and they could be addressed.

No marriage is perfect.

tbh I think this child's situation was probably badly handled from the outset, He was removed from his family and placed with his older grandmother who would unlikely have been able to care for him in the long term therefore meaning that some kind of disruption at some point in his life was inevitable. Of course the family wouldn't have wanted him to go into care when he was young and while his grandmother was capable of looking after him, but perhaps with hindsight this would have been the better situation for this child in the long term, because now he is in a situation where his main caregiver is no longer able to cope with him in the long term and the person who has offered to take him on will herself be in a disrupted situation either because of a divorce or a reluctant dh. This cannot possibly end well Imo.

The other problem is, you're trying to make a decision based on things that might or might not happen.

What if DS, at eleven, doesn't want to move in with you? Obviously this is subject to gm being able to provide care, but leaving his friends, moving to a school that is possibly a different one from all his friends are going to, as well as the usual upheaval of the worry of secondary school...

It's difficult enough to parent a teen dealing with rejection issues. It will be much harder dealing with a teen who doesn't want to be there.

Is there a way he can stay with his grandma, but with more support from you and DH?

I don't think your DH is being unreasonable at all, but I can also see where you are coming from

I think the'fighting for custody' thing is a red herring, of course in the event of a divorce he would want as much time with your dd as possible, won't you be doing the same thing? I would be assuming 50/50 care of your dd until you know otherwise

I'm sure your DH is very fond of your dn but there is a huge difference between loving and caring for a family member and becoming their parent, I really don't think it's something you can force just because it is the 'right thing'. I would absolutely resent my DH forcing a situation like this on me, but I can also see that you might also resent your DH for not wanting to be a parent to your nephew

I can also see why he would be wary of taking on a child that is your dns age, I have teenagers who are biologically mine and as much as I love them they drive me absolutely crazy and test me to my limits. I honestly don't know if I could cope in the situation you are wanting but again I can see why it is important to you

I think counselling for both of you might be the best way to go with the starting point that neither of you are right or wrong but that you need to make decisions on what you will do in the future. I think it would be a huge mistake to go ahead and take in your dn while you are together and he is so unsure because if it backfires it will be your dn who gets hurt and that is absolutely not fair to him

Princess where do you suggest the nephew goes then?

God, we have three kids. I hope my sisters would care for them if anything happened to me and DP.

OP I think you are being very reasonable, you are acknowledging the fact that your husband may not be thrilled about it, and you don't expect him to be either. I assume that if the reverse happened (his DN) you would allow him to join you?

For the majority of people of course this situation may not be ideal; but come on, this is a child, who has a strong bond with OP and her family, do people really think it is better to go into care?

OP I'm sorry your husband is this way. I would be a lot more sympathetic towards him if your DN was a drug addict who would be potentially putting your family in jeopardy. But from what you have said he is a lovely boy who gets on well with both your DD and DH. Could your husband be jealous of the relationship that you and DN have?

What about your nephew's paternal relatives or are they all as feckless as his mum?
If you're going to be having a teenager living with you in 3 years managing a baby as well sounds like hard work.
Why are you wanting to separate now rather than in 3 years? If your marriage is basically good I'd just review the situation in 2 years making it clear that to you the plan of nephew moving in age 11 is still going ahead.

Clearly my boarding school suggestion was a no-goer and fair enough, some situations it is the saving of things and in others it is a bone of contention.

I would have a lot more sympathy for your DH if your DN was a troubled teen but you seem to say he is a nice eight year old boy?

Although I find myself backing you, peachpower are there really only two options (care or your family?)

Do you have...

-any siblings other than your DN's mother
-any aunts or uncles who are in good health/close to DN
-any chance of moving closer to your DM and DN

Or does your DN have any relatives, perhaps on his father's side?

Has he considered how your DD would be affected if her adored cousin ended up in care knowing that her parents could have offered him a home but didn't?

I think DH's feeling aren't surprising but he's right that he doesn't have a choice. Perhaps you could point out that it's not what you would have chosen either if there was an acceptable alternative. I wouldn't give up on your marriage yet as he might be fine with DN moving in in the end. However I might be looking at ways to redress your financial inequality if he has lots of savings that you don't have access to.

Sending a child into a foster home when there are relatives who could take him/her in sends a very clear message: you are not wanted. Particularly when the child has no special needs, I really don't see how anyone can beat about the bush about this.

Inconvenient? Perhaps. But as another poster said, what would happen if you had an accident and you or your daughter were damaged? Would your husband refuse to care for you because that's not his image of a 'perfect family'? Things happen in life. And really, abandoning a child. I can't comprehend how anyone can even envisage this.

Personally I would not want to be with a man who would let a little boy in our family go into care rather than disrupt how he sees his future. I would pick the little lad.

He agreed to stay with you when you told him about your agreement to take PR for your DN when he turned 11 and now he's changed his mind.

He sounds like a git.

Oh I just thought of something - you should all move into a house now with a granny flat for your DM and DN.

Oh, and if he is that invested in his idea of a 'perfect family', just wait until your daughter turns 14. Ha.

If anything happened to my sisters or their partner and the kids were alone I would automatically put myself forward. Dh would back me because he's a nice man and these kids would come first! No way would they go into care.

If dh didn't like it he can fuck off! A dh can be replaced if needed pending separation. Kids cannot!

I hope you find a resolution op

How difficult.

So DN will be moving to your town? Or will you need to move there?

Does your DM have a residency thing? And no prospect of one of the parents seeking residency?

Presumably social services would need to assess the planned change in care arrangements. And might well not aprprove you as carers if H not totally on board.

Haven't read the whole thread but I would have little respect for a man who could treat a family member like that. Surely, marriage means you marry into the family, not just the spouse.

I'm not married but in a relationship (8 years) with a single dad. I would have no qualms about having stepdaughter (who is younger than mine) living with us if it ever came to that. And that's a 12-year-old who will be hitting puberty any time now!

Thank you for all responses. Sorry I haven't been able to get back on. I will reply properly when DD is napping this afternoon but wanted to say all of your replies have given me something to think about. TBH a lot have made me feel quite sick, but I know I need to consider every scenario and the implications for both DD and DN.

I'm glad that many posters don't think IABU and would do the same WRT DN. But also it is good to read those that agree with DH as I guess that means he's not being a total monster. However. We are most definitely on different pages and need to not be. I don't know if this can be fixed and I am not sure there is a 'happy ending' option for everyone, it seems possibly not.

I wish we weren't in this situation, but we are. However it has been handled previously and whatever mistakes I may have made, I am trying to do the right thing and not even by me - by DD and DN.

Unfortunately I can see why your DH is so unhappy, but the only way to move forward is for him to accept the situation and make the best of it.

My dad remarried later in life to my stepmum who has a sister in a distant care home with Down's syndrome. The care shut down, and she moved to a closer one, there were issues with poor care so she ended up moving in with them. She has been diagnosed with dementia but will continue to live with them while she can.

This is most certainly not what my father imagined his retirement to be, but he's worked through it and accepted his new life and makes the best of it.

Your DH needs to too.

How good is your husband at adapting to circumstances generally when life doesn't go exactly to plan? In work and other relationships, does he get angry/resentful when things don't follow a certain path or is he able to rethink? He may say that he doesn't want DN to live with you (because, in his head, that wasn't the way life should work out) but, as he has bonded with DN, sees him frequently and has successfully masked his unhappiness with the prospect of having him full-time until you brought it up again, are you certain he wouldn't suck it up and make the most of it?

Does your husband know that you are prepared to end your marriage over this issue? You've sad that he would fight for residency and be difficult re: mony (incidentally, if you were to divorce "his" savings and assets would be regarded as shared) but have you actually discussed separation wrt this issue? Does he know it might happen? After all, from his pov a divorce and only part-time residency of your DD seems more of a compromise than allowing a child whom he knows and loves to come and live with you. I don't have step-children so don't know how differently I would feel about them compared to my birth children but just because he wouldn't throw himself in front of a bus for your nephew doesn't mean that they couldn't have a great relationship.

Good luck, you sound lovely and I think your nephew should come to live with you .

What a difficult situation. Good luck Peach, and your little family, whatever may come

I am a step parent and some time ago we faced the prospect of DSD coming to stay with us.This was out of the blue and whilst I would not have loved the idea the thought of DSD in care as an alternative would be unimaginable.Sometimes you have to step up and thankfully you are willing to for your nephew.

I just don't understand the thought processes of someone to reject a child in need, it has to be the most selfish act and I couldnt love someone who was that selfish. Someone asked earlier what plans you have in place, for your daughter, should anything happen to you both? Would he agree care is suitable for her? How is your husband detaching himself from this? Did he have a difficult childhood or is he just very selfish?

I think you have to have your nephew with you, if you feel its what you can do.I've raised teens and whilst it can be challenging the joy of helping a young person reach adulthood is amazing.In the event of divorce its unlikely your husband would get 50/50 and your assets would be shared so please don't feel you can't afford to separate.

In other areas for your life is your relationship balanced? Could it be that your husband likes the power of being the final decision maker and wants the power of veto.

"it's unlikely your husband would get 50/50." we cannot possibly know that, and the courts now start from the position of 50/50 so it's more likely that he would than wouldn't. It should IMO be assumed that in the event of a split the arrangement would be 50/50 because if someone assumes this will never happen it will be a lot harder if it turns out that 50/50 is awarded.