Should I leave or compromise? Step-family related

[peachpower]

I’ll try to be succinct but my head is all over the place.

Been with DH 8 years, married 4.5. We have DD, 18m, conceived through IVF. Generally, we have a fairly good relationship. We are great friends, have similar values and parenting styles and have a good laugh together.

I have a DN, 8 who has been mainly brought up by my Mum due to problems with his mother. The plan is that when he is 11 and switching to secondary school, he will live with us as Mum is getting older and won’t be able to manage. DH does not want this, we almost split up over it after a year of marriage. He feels it isn’t how he wanted his life/family set-up to be and although he has accepted that it WILL happen, he told me last night when talking about it, he still feels very angry and resentful that he was ‘backed into a corner’ about having him (after a lot of soul searching and anguish, I realised I couldn’t live with myself if we didn’t have DN, knew I would resent DH and so ultimately told him this. However he had told me prior that it was divorce if I wouldn’t compromise on this so I guess we both felt backed into said corner). DH has since said this was in temper and he didn’t want to lose me but part of me feels that it was more he didn’t want to start over again and lose face after being married for such a short time so he agreed.

Since this point, we had come a long way. Discovering fertility issues, having treatment, having DD and also having a pregnancy loss. I thought we were a different couple for all this, have become closer and are very connected, and were planning ivf again this year. But, it seems that actually DH hasn’t moved on from his feelings about DN. If anything, having DD he said has made him realise he could never be really happy with the situation as he wants everything ‘right’ with DD and knows DN living here will affect his idea of a perfect family. I thought having a child would change these views, want to nurture DN as he would relate to children much better. He says he cares about DN, feels sad for him and loves him like he loves other members of my family but would throw himself in front of a bus for DD and there is no comparison between the two. Is this how people feel about step-children for example?

I am now in a position where I have to decide if I should leave my marriage because it seems when DN lives here, there will be conflict and resentment from DH – am imagining DN acting up for example which is perfectly normal for a child and how DH might react compared to DD – and the damage this would cause to DN who is already dealing with the complex situation he finds himself in. I know that to leave now would be better rather than leaving if it all goes tits up once DN is here.
On the other hand, I feel DD would be happier if we were together. DH is a wonderful Dad and they are very close. I worry for her if we separate. I know she is young but she will be growing up not seeing both of us every day and that hurts me for her. I feel like whatever I do I will be damaging either DN or DD.

I am also scared about separating as DH has said before he would fight for residency of DD if we were to split. The thought of not seeing her every day is awful enough to me, let alone if I were to only have 50% or less residency. DH has the financial means to go to court but I wouldn’t if we separated (would have to represent myself).
Other factors are, although he is great most of the time, he (IMO) has anger issues and a very negative outlook on a lot of things. I feel the separation would be bitter and this worries me, for me and for DD. And also for DN who is close to DH too and thinks a lot of him. I feel in such a mess.

I do love my DH, but realise our marriage isn’t as strong as it should be if I am feeling like this, and if he is too. But, this is where we are. Married, connected to each other, with a child, and I can’t see the wood for the trees and if it would be foolish to try and make this work or if splitting up our family now is the right thing to do or not.

Any thoughts or insights appreciated, thank you.

There was never really a compromise in the making here. You and your H are both entitled to hold the opinions you have and you've both been guilty of expecting the other person to 'back down'.

Even if your H were to have a change of heart, i doubt his personality would've ever produced the happy ever after (with or without DN)you wanted. I think you need to except that the risks to your almost teen DN living full time with your H and his 'personality' , could do him more harm than good.

It appears that the subject of DN's future living arrangements has only highlighted, rather than created, a fundamental incompatibility issue.

I can also see how your husband feels railroaded into this decision.

You've basically said either her comes here at eleven or he goes into care.

What magically changes when he's eleven?, as opposed to, say, ten and a half, or twelve?

I wonder if he would have been more amenable if you had said 'at some point, when it is needed, we may need to step in'....rather than presented it as fait accompli.

On the other hand, I really do see where you are coming from - however I wonder if you've 'decided' that it's a choice between you or care, and aren't considering other options?

It does sound like their is a lot going on in this relationship which is clouding the issue, though, and I think you maybe need to give your whole relationship a rethink.

Whatever you do, you can't bring your nephew to a house where he isn't wanted by everyone - it could be very damaging, particularly if you and your husband then separate and potentially blame himself for causing it.

I'm sorry you're in this position, OP. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer and I hope things get sorted, not least for the young lad in the middle of it all.

And your nephew blames himself for causing it I mean. I'm sure you wouldn't blame him.

tbh I don't think that ending your marriage over this is the right decision.

If your marriage is over then end it, but you're talking about ending your marriage over a situation which will last for around seven years, disrupting your dd's family for the rest of her life, having 50/50 residency (and yes, this is likely to be the default position) for the next sixteen years long after dn has left home. Another woman being a mother figure to your dd half of the time. step and possibly half siblings on your h's side with whom you will have no relationship.

Don't use dn as an excuse to leave your marriage. If you're unhappy in your marriage then leave. but otherwise it's not fair to use a child as the reason for the ending of your marriage, it just isn't.

So a year into marriage, before you had a child together, you told him all about your commitment to having this young boy come to live with you.

He agreed at the time.

But now that he has you over a barrel by providing him with the "family he always wanted", he is changing the rules and rejecting a family member and asking you to agree to put him into care.

He doesn't know what family means.

If there is such a thing as the "perfect" family, it is one full of love and that makes room for people in their hearts and lives.

I can't get my head around this bullshit about his image of the perfect family.

That's not how family works - it's not an image, it's a reality made up of real people.

I think of you had to chose your DH over DN and watch him be put into care, you would never forgive yourself, you'd hate your DH for that and your marriage would crumble, so you all lose.

I think you should take in DN, your DH is an adult, he can cope for the few years, our he can tear his family apart because it is not his idea of "perfect".

Your nephew is a child in an awful situation, and, from what you say, it sounds like he would be going into care if your mother becomes unable to care for him.

I would despise anyone who wouldn't step up to the plate. However, is there any way in which your nephew could stay at his current home? Perhaps you and your relatives could pay a helper and become more involved in his everyday life? I don't say this because of your husband, but rather so as not to disrupt your nephew's life, as far as possible.

In any case, abandoning your nephew to the social services would be, in my view, a terrible thing to do. He is only a child.

Oh, and you are not breaking up your family in any way. You are doing the right thing and helping a vulnerable child. If your husband doesn't like it, then he can walk out. But it's not you leaving the marriage. You are being a decent human being.

What would he want to happen to your DD if you were both unable to look after her?

What bathtime said re the 'perfect family', that's just a fantasy. God forbid, you have no idea how your little family is going to pan out, dd may be as cute as a button at the mo but there's no saying she'll stay like that for the duration. Sorry if that's too much reality though - on the other side parent here.

It would be a huge death knell for me if someone didn't automatically step up when there's such an obvious and straightforward need involving a child. However, maybe H has some deep need to shut the doors on the (big, bad) world with his cosy, 'perfect', family safely ensconced within.

I'm scratching around here, trying to see the other side...

He keeps saying it's not what he imagined, but life so very often isn't, is it? There are often unexpected twists and turns in the way. What if you were in a car crash and became disabled? Well, that's not what he expected either, but does that mean he shouldn't step up? No, of course not.

Frankly I am very surprised at the number of people siding with the DH here and who would be happy to see a close family member go into care, a child!

I would never allow that to happen to any of my siblings children and, yes, I would divorce DH if he objected. But then' I know he wouldn't.

Marriage is for better or for worse, that means rolling with all the curve balls that come your way.

It's not what he imagined is simply not a good enough reason.

That 'some' in there looked snide. yy it belies my feelings (sorry) but could be at the root of a legitimate need.

I wonder if he would have been more amenable if you had said 'at some point, when it is needed, we may need to step in'....rather than presented it as fait accompli.

It did happen like this, it was an 'at some point...' scenario then the aged 11 thing came about a year or so later when we were talking practicalities and all felt Mum was in well enough health and disrupting him from school wouldn't be wise.

Dh said he will try to make the best of it, but I feel, as some other posters have said, it seems strange that after having agreed, he is still so reluctant to step up and feels so resentful. It doesn't bode well does it?

I will talk to him about this and that he should be willing to throw himself into this wholeheartedly after agreeing to it, and can't blame me or throw it in my face when there are bumps or problems. Thank you for that suggestion.

Wannabe Thanks. This is what is niggling me - ending marriage and creating so much upset for DD, DH and me and all sorts of possibilities around her parenting, step families, residence etc. It is not a nice thought, though it's feeling a little lose/lose as neither is resentment towards DN in a few years.

Grumbleina Thank you for your inside perspective, very helpful. I wish my DH had your attitude but it's reassuring to know I'm not quite mad and selfish for expecting that he would do this. Although the difference is, your DH was always upfront whereas our circumstances have changed and unfolded over the years. I guess that makes a big difference to DH. I wonder whether he would have ended it if I knew at the time we met what the future held, and told him.

To the posters who mentioned his personality and 'issues' - you are right. This is muddying things for me, it's by no means a clear cut situation and I think his personality / negative attitude / reluctance to have anything other than 'perfect' is impacting massively on the DN issue, but is also there anyway as a problem if I'm being honest, even without it. I don't know if that will change. He's definitely more chilled out and nicer over the last couple of years and has a bit more of a grip on what's worth getting worked up over or not. However he's never going to react to some things how I would and I know it's okay to be different but I am realising (too late) that fundamentally, the way we think about these things say a lot about our values as people. I don't know if the above wasn't an issue if I would even consider ending the marriage, I can't see the two things separately, which I know is wrong.

That 'some' in there looked snide. yy it belies my feelings (sorry) but could be at the root of a legitimate need.

Sorry Springy I don't know what this means. Re-read your last post and can't see the reference.

It's very emotive though to say that at eleven he goes to live with the op or will be put into care. If the need was immediate then that would be understandable but to put a date on it in four years time smacks of emotional blackmail.

No-one can possibly know what will happen in four years. The op herself could be unable to take him in for any number of reasons, or the mother may not find it impossible to cope.

Ending a marriage over something which may not even happen is very premature.

Its not emotional blackmail! The OP has given the very sensible reason that the change would happen at 11 - his move to secondary school. A move after this would be silly as he would have to change school and why disrupt him from the school he is at now before he is 11.

The grandmother has a health issue, so it is sensible for this issue to be sorted properly when he is 11 so he doesn't have further upheaval later on.

It is also sensible to sort this issue now while the DD is so young. Upheaval for her will be much worse when she is older.

What worries me is his threats to make your life miserable if you divorce. That's not what a decent person does.

Of course it's not ideal. But life isn't. Hardly ideal for a child to go into care because his family won't look after him. Sorry...but he can help for a few years. Step parents do this all the time and it's not considered a big deal.

You will resent him, and feel guilty for the rest of your life if you let your DN go into care.

I feel there are many misconceptions about going into care. Im a foster carer and I absolutely love my foster children and they are very much part of my family. The other carers I know are the same - we fret and worry about them, even after they leave, and take great care that they have everything they need and more - not just physically, but emotionally. Foster carers get a lot of bad press.

Very often the children in care have ongoing relationships with their extended families. Do not rule it out as an option. Because living in a loving foster home vs living in a home with a parent that resents them and a mum that threatens to tear the family apart if they are not allowed to be there - thats not a healthy place for a child to be.

I do feel that you have railroaded your DH into this. He agreed because he loves you and because he wanted to make you happy, but now its just 3 years from the crunch point, he doesn't want this. Imagine him insisting that his mother move in with you one day. You would probably say yes, but as that became a reality, you could see yourself becoming more anxious about how it might change everything.

In addition, you are rejecting all compromises, insisting that your plan is the only way...from your postings you do not seem to be willing to back down in any way, shape or form.

Ultimately, the parenting of a teenaged boy is going to be tough. WHen he hits 14 and is towering over you and being an arse, you will be relying on your DH to be the disciplinarian in the household...that in itself is a big ask.

You also have not factored in the psychological impact of this child's early years, and how its all going to kick off at puberty - its not going to be like it is now, with a sweet compliant 8 year old. He is going to suffer from increased self esteem issues, a lack of trust, probably will be acting out at school. You seem to have a very rose tinted view of how everyone will slot into a perfect family. I fear that this will not be the case.

Very good post FannyFanakapan.

I think you can acknowledge your partner's feelings and concerns whilst not changing your mind. It's possible to talk and work out some options. When you're backed in to a difficult situation it's easy to see only two options, but there are generally more if you take a deep breath and think.

I can't imagine living with someone who has issued the threats that your husband has. If I think about splitting up with my partner, I think what a wonderful father he is. I don't think, "I'd fuck you up if you left me", I think, "I'd want you to be as involved as possible with our children".

WHen he hits 14 and is towering over you and being an arse, you will be relying on your DH to be the disciplinarian in the household

How come?

You mentioned compromise in your thread title but you haven't articulated what this compromise would look like. What concessions are either of you prepared to make? If this is really an irreconcilable difference, someone needs to call it.

I don't believe neither you, or your H are being selfish for wanting different things, just unrealistic in wanting them within the context of your relationship.

Do children living solely with their mothers all run wild then fanny???

I certainly remember my mother being capable of disciplining me.

Vivacia and writer, Im living with this right now, so probably clouding my judgement.

In my experience, teen boys reach a stage where they pull away from mother figures and part of their growing up process is to bond more with the male figure in the household - rough and tumble, team sports, cars, football - they are all male bonding and socialising issues that I think young lads need.

Yes, they can get that from other male role models in clubs and extended family, but day to day I think boys need a role model who actually wants them there.

WHat I think Im trying to sad (badly) is that in this scenario, with DH not wanting and resenting the child, and child knowing this, plus all the psychological issues that children who have been passed from pillar to post will inevitably have....WHen DN reaches his teens, the OP and her DH will need to present a united front. I could imagine DH throwing up his hands and saying "Well you wanted him, you deal with him" and this only increasing the childs feeling of not being welcome in the household, and the feeling that he does not need to accept the authority of his aunt.

Not trying to diss single parent families. Just appealling that a broken, resentful family is more damaging to an already damaged child than care or a family where everyone is on the same page.