Am I being too Needy or is this not right?

[AmINeedy]

Hi
I was married for 20 years and divorced 2 years ago and 6 months later met a single man with no children but 3 ex wives and many more ex partners.
He's a lovely man,so funny, always on the go and generally can't sit still, he loves his sport , works hard and away a lot but when home he has to go to the pub every Wednesday,Friday,Sunday as routine and more recently another 2 nights. Some weeks he'll be there 5 nights a week and as I work nights this could mean not seeing each other and no time for us to go out doing other things together as it's pub night or there's a fight or football match in so he goes to the pub to watch it rather than home.
We've been together 18 months and I truly love the bones of this man but I'm finding his way of life difficult to handle, it's restricting our relationship, were not really bonding and to me it's pushing me away instead of getting us closer over time.
Then he plays golf which means when the weather is brighter his weekends are taken up too leaving us zero hours together as those nights Sat and Sun he'll go to the pub after til after midnight.
He said I'm too needy ?
If he's been away for two weeks with work when he gets home that night he'll be with his friends down his local pub not with me though he'll pop over for an hour to say hi then gone.
There's one other issue , no sex in any shape or form , he can't he has erectile dysfunction , we tried when we first met but he felt to embarrassed and brushed it under the carpet and won't discuss it, if I do he gies angry . He went as far as getting Viagra but won't use them.
Put all this together I feel really unwanted but I feel I'm being selfish and after being married so long to a man who visited match.com behind my back I'm worried I'm the problem here?
Just reread my post and I see I do look pathetic .
This man wants us to live together but how can I live in a sexless nit even touching relationship where he'll be at the pub from 8 pm til closing 3-5 times a week ?
I'm really lost ??

You deserve so much more than this man is prepared to give you, you are gaining nothing from your relationship, (what relationship?) with him. He just wants to live his life as he always has so just let him get on with it and get rid of him.

at some of the depictions of home life here!

He sounds like he'd make a good mate (and I think his ex still seeing him sometimes as a friend shows she prefers him in that role, not as a partner). He's friendly, gregarious and can make make an effort to be helpful from time to time (and I'd guess he's good in a crisis, too). He just can't do day to day life with someone, as that requires unsung sustained efforts.

He makes an amazing friend, I asked him a while back if we could just be friends , he said he couldn't it would break his heart.
He's an amazing supportive friend a pillar of the community too being an ex local bobby, he has organised so many charitable things over the past, helps and supports so many people , he has a heart of gold truly, never grumpy or bad tempered either.
The way he is with me diesnt match, that's why it's soul destroying .
He makes a great companion, I tell people I'm sort of seeing someone and they say you are or you're not.
Last night I told him we have a weird relationship he laughed, then got upset that I was challenging him, he saud if he didn't do nice things for me I'd complaine and that if he didn't love me he wouldn't do nice things for me.
I pointed out I always do things to but I'd never point them out to him as what ever I do is a natural thing and part of me being with him and not separate for which I don't want recognition, he on the other hand says I did such and such for you, if I didn't love you I wouldn't pick up your son or do such and such lol

Thankyou all for your comments, my insides have been screaming these thought you have given me, his reasoning made my thought feel selfish, I doubted my natural instincts.
I know I couldn't ever live with him again, I know I do love him and hard to let go because we do get on so well in many ways but I can't live being 2nd best because I know if I do and he meets someone else down the line , what a fool will I be.
I just need to find a way to let him go, I've tried it a few times already and choose to go back rather than be alone but now it's eating away at me because each time I see him again he seems to be less available . It's as though he closes the door on me even more instead of trying harder to make it work , I see him less after we split up last July than ever before.
He seems to think give us time and well get closer, my view is we make the most of our lives every day and aims are fir larger things not normal daily life x

OhDearMurial
He walks home in summer or gets a taxi, he won't ever drive , he can't walk home let alone drive .

The odd thing is he drinks in the pub 3-5 times a week while home, every night when works away but he won't ever drink in a house or during the day or even out for a meal, that doesn't make sense, does it?

He classes people drinking at home as an issue? X

Unless you have found the secret to eternal life you really need to stop wasting it.
Strangely enough I know a few men like like this who like to have a girlfriend as a 'beard' if you like. They never change, the only thing that changes is the name of the 'beard'.

I said earlier that he sounds exactly like a couple of my friends. They are really great guys to hang out with. I have known them for 30+years. We all did the 18-25 gig, then got married, grew up etc. They never did, they have not changed one bit. They have the same timetable now as when we were 20 years old. This means they have serial monogamous relationships until (for whatever reason) the woman has had enough. Then onto the next "gap filler". He's not going to change, that's your reality.

You have proved to him that you will accept the crumbs of attention he throws your way as being sufficient enough to keep you there, so why on earth would a self serving pub dweller see fit to do more?

I don't mean that to be hurtful towards you by the way...I'm simply trying to have you see how skewed it all is, in his favour.

You will hang about for fuck all, so fuck all is what he gives you.

Needy, yes, it does make sense to me. I knew a lovely man who did exactly the same (I could have written your whole post word for word), but I was stupid enough to pick him up :(

You wouldn't treat your dogs or horse like this would you?

DrMorbius
That is exactly him you've met him before , he's stuck in his late teens onwards, acts like a young man in his views, watches same TV, music, sports ect, timetable the same, views the same .
He does wish he could find someone to settle down with who won't let him down lol
He loves attention of other people, guess my problem is my loyalty to him as ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, when I take something in i take it seriously, feel like I'm letting him down but I know he'll just move on to the next female xx

Yes, he will move on to the next female, because the only person he is loyal to is himself. Ultimately he is extremely self-centred.

In this context 'letting him down' just means 'not letting him have all his own way'. Standard when someone isn't a team player. I'm sure there is a woman somewhere who would be quite grateful to pander to his every need and demand nothing in return.... but you wouldn't want to be that kind of doormat, would you?

Absolutely Cogito - his "not being let down" translates as him thinking that everything should be exactly as he arranges it, with no demands on him or his time whatsoever.
He will always choose women with low self esteem (perhaps masquerading as a 'cool' gf), grateful that he bothers with them at all. Then when they see the light and ditch his pointless arse, he will move onto the next one claiming to have been let down by his previous gf's 'neediness'.

You will be the one that was 'oh so needy' next, believe us...and the new one will lap it up and swear not to be like that, just like you probably did.

Good luck to him...the muppet.

Omg I have just finished with someone exactly like this!

Very popular, big character, lived in the local pub, took me there once and told me to put my coat on because everyone was looking at me , wanted to stay up till all hours after the pub, couldn't get it up (partly age, partly alcohol), kept making excuses not to stay in bed eg took me to Asda for breakfast instead, looking to move in with someone quickly, friends with his exes. God it's the same script.

I called him on all this and he said he wanted to settle down (age 53!!!) not drink so much etc., didn't want to lose me. Nothing changed. Three weeks later I dumped him. He was gutted and blamed all sorts on why it didn't work out. Didn't think it could be him or his lifestyle, even though I had already told him.

Completely oblivious, in denial, will be exactly the same with the next poor woman he meets.

You have got to get out of there, op!

Yes, it's selfishness, childishness, arrogance in a way (don't think they need to compromise for anyone,) complete lack of self-awareness. So many of us seem to know a man like this!

I'm ashamed to say, I have strived to be everything the others weren't , tried to not ask him to help me in my home, not to let him pay for things for me.
He wanted to get me in his phone net work , sane email server as him, change my car , he starts off wanting to help me with everything but I saw a pattern and he took his last girlfriend to court over a few thousand pounds he lent her to buy things with. But I know he is over the top pushy and you can't refuse, I managed to but his pattern if help even getting me to change jobs is the same pattern he's helpful at first, then asks why I haven't taken up his offer , why I haven't checked websites for jobs, why I won't use the lap top he gave me though it's too slow.i made sure I paid half our holiday so he couldn't say I'm a money grabber or let him help my son use his rented house because I know the help turns into a chore fir him
Yet he will throw all this back at me when we split up.
Yes I've tried to be everything he said was wrong but now I am everything that was wrong lol
Phew, I'm shattered , really emotionally drained I'm ashamed to say, I feel so stupid and on my own in this, suppose scared that I'm seeing things wrongly too ????

We are all saying you are seeing things right.

SundayPlease,,,,you don't live in Wales do you, he'd do the same , McDonald's for breakfast lol x

"I have strived to be everything the others weren't "

There are, sadly, a lot of people out there who will take an attitude like that and exploit the crap out of it. It's not your fault.

This is just me being nosy so feel free to ignore, but are there any parallels between how you behaved towards your ex and this man? How did your marriage end? Did/do you blame yourself? If your life has been solely occupied with taking care of others did it earn you appreciation or contempt?

No, really, you're not.

He just wants it aaaaallllllll his own way. And you're an adult woman with decent thinking and coping capacity, and you don't fit into his model of stay-at-home-and-let-him-do-what-he-likes woman. Almost no one does these days (and thank god for it!!)

Give it up now. Reclaim your life, your independence, your sanity - learn to love and trust yourself, consider doing the Freedom programme so you don't get sucked into relationships with these emotional leeches who make you doubt yourself.

He doesn't love you, he just likes having you around. Love is so much more than what he's offering you.

OP, you keep mentioning how lovely, vibrant and super this bloke is but what you describe is a charmer and a chancer. He won't ever change unless of course he needs to up the number of nights he spends in the pub.

He seems to have you very well trained to accept this behaviour and his, frankly weird lifestyle even though you know full well it isn't what you want. Please finish with him and make it final. There is no need for recriminations, you simply want different things in life. He is never going to provide even 10% of what you want and deserve.

Good luck. 2015 will be better for you without him.

God I am in South wales. How old is your one?

I could set up a banner sale with the amount of red flags here!

I cannot believe there is not a more compatible chap out there!

You are not needy. He has issues. You can do better.

What exactly do you get out of this 'relationship'?

He's 54 SundayPlease, works down there though and has family there lol

He just does not need you or anyone else. Probably that is he has mo children and hooked up with a woman who already has kids. He has no intentions of restricting or changing his ways. Either keep up or your out. I would love to be like that one day when I can call the shots. That is exactly what he is doing.