I can't control my temper because you're a fucking bitch

[ConciselyConfused]

That is what my dp just said to me when I told him he couldn't control his temper and needed help.

I want to take my baby and go and stay in a hotel for the night. Am I overreacting? I don't want to be near him right now and I have nobody in real life I can turn to.

Not pathetic. It's human nature to hope things will work. But it's sad as he will put you through it again and worse :(

No judging of you from here

Doesn't everyone in an abusive relationship have to get to the end of their tether before making a move?

It's alright people telling you to LTB but does anyone go sooner rather than later?

A few do I think.

You are right though. It's still sad to see it play out

You're not pathetic you're just not ready yet. I honestly believe that very few people would act differently in the same circumstances. When my baby was the age yours was, I couldn't stomach the idea of us having long periods of time apart, and the possibility that I might have to hand care of the baby over to someone whose disinterest almost bordered on neglect, was horrifying. I am certain things will get worse not better based on what you have said, but I don't blame you for hoping for the best OP. I'm glad you have found Mumsnet and I am sure you will eventually get free of this horrible situation.

These threads make me so sad.

You sound so very sad, Concise. I hope you find your way to happiness.

Have you opened up to a RL friend about how you feel in your relationship?

If things don't work out, come back under this name

I also wish you luck.

I still hope you do look at doing the freedom program.

The change of approach is predicable .

I certainly can't judge but hope you find happiness soon...

Please keep talking to us, OP. Use this thread as a diary. Writing things down will help you make sense of your own thoughts and feelings if nothing else.

OK things aren't working out.

He couldn't understand why I still wasn't really happy. I said I can't go from having spent most of the day upset and crying just like that.

I said he has abusive behaviours, he found that laughable. He told me he hates me, he regrets having a baby with me etc. I said I regret ignoring the early warning signs in our relationship when he used to get angry about me going out out.

He said something like I'll never find anyone else who would put up with me. I said why does he even think I care about being with anyone else.

He wants you back under control, Concisely. He can see that you are waking up and seeing him as he really is, so he is trying a new tactic.

Saying things like "You'll never find anyone else who would put up with you" is a classic line to grind your self esteem into the floor and make you think you are lucky to have him.

Do you think you could possibly go somewhere tomorrow? It is OK to take some time out to have a think. You don't have to make any final decisions - you are just relieving the pressure of the situation whilst you decide what you want to do.

You got your answer pretty quickly, then. He is completely incapable of backing off and allowing you to be autonomous and to have your own feelings and needs. He can't cope with not being able to control those things.

I've never done the freedom program. I'd never heard of it when I was with my ex. The posters recommending it often talk a lot of sense, though. This relationship has done a lot to erode any awareness of what a healthy relationship looks like and you do need to re-gain the skills it has taken away from you.

Be strong. Dump the bastard. Eat porridge, whenever you want to.

He wants you back under control, Concisely. He can see that you are waking up and seeing him as he really is, so he is trying a new tactic.

Agree completely.

op, you need to stop engaging with him...tonight and in the future

he will never admit his bad behaviour and he sees no reason to change

you are wasting your time and energy hoping for something different from him

You'll never find anyone who will put up with you?

I do believe that's on page 97 of the abuser's script.

No, I'm not joking about the script. falling apart was shown on TV a couple of weeks after I left my ex. It scared the bloody shit out of me because I could have written the script, almost word for word, from my own experiences.

More like HE won't find anyone to put up with HIM! And you aren't pathetic. You are feeling trapped and powerless.

As I posted before, I've been where you are. I'll admit that my DH may be in the minority in that he was willing to try to fix things himself. But the thing is, he won't change unless you give him a real reason to change, if he wants to change at all, that is. When I realized that I'd reached my limit, I made my exit plan and had taken the children to my mum's. I had my bags packed and ready to go. And I was READY! I told him in no uncertain terms that I was D.O.N.E. and walking out the door to my mum's unless he agreed to go to counseling. It was the wakeup call he needed. He admitted later that he (more than) half expected the counselor to tell me that it was all my fault for 'winding him up' (sound familiar?) and 'not listening because he was right', but she set him straight real fast!

Bottom line, I took the chance on an ultimatum and it worked out. BUT I was equally as willing for it NOT to work out and I was ready to end the marriage. You have to be ready for either. Empty threats don't work.

I bought some cigarettes today. I haven't smoked in 2 years. I want to go out for one now.

Seeing how text book he sounds is shocking and reassuring. Listen please don't judge me but I want it to work still and I'm intrigued by the counselling idea. What about couples counselling? Do any of you have any experience of that?

No no no do not consider couples counselling. I'd be surprised if he was willing to go - but if he did it would just be a way for him to find out more about how to push your buttons and bully you further. Any reputable therapist would not take you on once they were aware that domestic abuse was involved. Individual counselling might be helpful for you however.

Yes yes yes to individual counselling.

No no no to couple's counselling.

No-one is judging you. No-one.

You can watch "Falling Apart", the film that was mentioned upthread, on 4 on demand:

www.channel4.com/programmes/falling-apart/on-demand/31730-001

Give it a watch. You may find a lot of it rings true for you.

I hope you and your baby are safe tonight

And it's fine to go on posting here. You are in a difficult place, you have big decisions to make for you and your baby. There are lots of women here who want to help you , many of them have been where you are and they understand how hard it is . No one is saying it's easy .

So please come back and update us when you can . Does your partner know your Mumsnet name ? If so you need to change it and your password too if he knows it .

You must not do couples counselling with this man

he will use the things discussed there as another stick to beat you with

he certainly doesn't need any more ammunition....The imaginary stuff in his head is more than enough

Couples counselling is a complete no no for people in abusive relationships...

I do hear you wanting it to work. I am guessing your baby is quite young and the desire to stay a family unit with a young baby I think is quite high...

Two things that made me stay I really wanted to know I had done everything to save my marriage but what I hadn't considered was he wasn't trying to save our Marriage more using my desire to provide a family for my Ds made him more manipulative. I had to realise it took two to make the marriage work.

I also felt leaving meant giving up hope ...

I think your difficulty is you are starting to see how abusive he is and he isn't going to let you get control.

Can I advise you get all your important documents together, Passports, Little one's birth certificate. Get yourself your own bank account set up if you don't have one now. pack a bag with nappies some clothes. It is ok to pack them in the hope you never need them .