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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't control my temper because you're a fucking bitch

148 replies

ConciselyConfused · 27/12/2014 13:32

That is what my dp just said to me when I told him he couldn't control his temper and needed help.

I want to take my baby and go and stay in a hotel for the night. Am I overreacting? I don't want to be near him right now and I have nobody in real life I can turn to.

OP posts:
queenoftheknight · 27/12/2014 18:36

No, it is NOT a waste of time and energy working it out! and no, they do not know that they are doing it. It is learned behaviour. Internalised in childhood.

I got SO SICK of reading that when I was trying to get out! It was understanding that, which gave me my freedom, the absolute, one hundred percent sure knowledge that IT WAS NOT ME! I am not remotely mad, I am not a terrible mother...quite the opposite actually, I do have friends, blah blah ad nauseum, the script they ALL follow...really OP. They all say exactly the same things...every. single. one. of. them!

And it is NOT YOU OP! Definitely NOT you!

He is an absolute text book case, saying all the same things that THEY ALL SAY!

He is an abuser. You are not overstating things. Honest.

Original poster
ConciselyConfused · 27/12/2014 18:54

When I got home he acted like nothing had happened and then when I said so he said something like 'believe me I won't forget this.' There was a lot more about how I've been pushing him all week and when he finally lost his temper who could blame him. He says I'm painting him out to be a monster. He made a threat that we'd be over if I continued, I said that's fine by me. I don't want to be with you anymore. Long story short he said he'll move out on Monday. I don't think he will though.

OP posts:
Mogz · 27/12/2014 18:58

Right, lovely. If he isn't out you need to make plans to get out.
Have a good night's sleep and then tomorrow start contacting people, you mum, old friends, Women's Aid, the church (if you're comfortable) and make yourself and your little one comfy elsewhere.
Keep a record of all communication, texts, call logs from him and do not be afraid to call the police on 101 to start logging threatening behaviour with them, they can give you advice on staying safe.
Also, if you need someone to come sit in a coffee shop with you for an hour or so to help with stuff then do let us know where you are, but obviously be careful about giving out personal information.
Keep strong, you're worth so much more than this.

IUsedToUseMyHands · 27/12/2014 19:05

I know it's not an infidelity case, but nonetheless I recommend
www.chumplady.com/2012/06/untangling-the-skein-of-fuckupedness/

for some no nonsense straight talking about this sort of disordered blameshifting abuser

IUsedToUseMyHands · 27/12/2014 19:06

Just substitute "bully" or "abuser" for "cheater" and the rest is the same.

Starlightbright1 · 27/12/2014 19:10

When I left ex, he was shocked I was in a refuge. I asked him what he thought would happen . He said he thought he would say sorry and carry on as normal. He has no plans to leave you..

Can I advise you are really careful at this time. the most dangerous time for a victim of abuse is at the time of leaving. Expect rapid changed of mood to get you to comply with what he expects you to do.

Vivacia · 27/12/2014 19:12

I agree with starlight, there's a threat in his words.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/12/2014 19:21

I despair sometimes of the rush to say LTB on MN but I think LTB is appropriate here.

Stand firm, sounds like he won't make it easy

JuxaSnogUndertheMistletoe · 27/12/2014 19:27

It really isn't you, it really really is him.

Of course he won't go on Monday. Even if he does he'll be back very quickly if you let him. Watch him weedle and cajole, he'll turn on the charm and be almost lovely just long enough to get you to back onside and inside your box.

Don't give an inch. He is a nasty nasty man.

Original poster
ConciselyConfused · 27/12/2014 19:45

What worries me is what if I am bad though? I could be chipping away at him until he snaps? It isn't always like this.
He has gone to bed now. He's asleep already.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 27/12/2014 19:47

What worries me is what if I am bad though? I could be chipping away at him until he snaps?

A loving, non-abusive partner would not react by calling you names and threatening you.

But you're not "bad".

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/12/2014 19:51

He shouldn't "snap" even if you did have a go at him

MrsPepperMintonCandyCane · 27/12/2014 19:54

I have depression and anxiety. I have had times where the house has been a mess, I've been upset and frightened and said upsetting things. Not once has my DH been angry. Not once has he lost his temper. You don't push buttons. He looks for excuses for his behaviour and makes you feel bad, isolated and powerless. It is not you. Tell your mom. Tell women's aid. They'll all say what the MN's have said. You don't deseve this. He is abusive and you need him out of your life.

AnyFucker · 27/12/2014 19:59

listen, op

I could say any manner of things to my dh and he would not respond by abusing me back

he would probably leave me, but never respond in kind or escalate in any way

the thing is I don't and I don't believe you do either

and even if you did, it never justifies the way he treats you

Cloudhowe63 · 27/12/2014 19:59

Don't doubt yourself. Stay safe and keep posting. It isn't always like this because abusers are rarely bad all of the time. It's a gradual process and by time you realise there's a problem it is difficult to get out. You have a young child and your partner should be supportive and kind.

dunfightin · 27/12/2014 20:01

The answer to your question about pushing your buttons is in the fact that you asked it.
Abusers are fuelled by the feeling they are never in the wrong, they are never to blame. They don't have self doubt because they know someone else is to blame.
The rest of us may be a little snappy, find life a little trying at times, get PMT, get tired, get pissed off but they are aware of how they feel and use that self-awareness to solve the problem not kick or shout it into submission

MaryWestmacott · 27/12/2014 20:02

Read mogz's sensible practical post. Use tonight and tomorrow to make plans.

I would add to it, even if he leaves, make plans to move yourself, to a house/flat he's never shared with you.

The thing about "pushing his buttons" that people like him don't understand, decent men don't have buttons to push. Decent men might get angry or upset, but there is nothing you could do to push them to violence. There's no buttons, that's just men who are twats. And even if you are the most irritating woman in the world - that still doesn't mean you have to put up with living like this.

Living alone for the rest of your life is preferable to living in fear.

ouryve · 27/12/2014 20:07

Rather than blowing up in a rage, a loving partner, if you really were winding them up, would calmly and respectfully explain to you how whatever it is that you are doing makes you feel and ask you to stop or walk away to take a deep breath.

Being that we're on the Internet and none of us know you, we obviously have no idea whether the "winding up" you are describing yourself as doing involves constant jibes and taunts or simply asserting your right to have your own free will. If the former, then that's an even bigger reason for the relationship to end because it's highly toxic and unhealthy. It's impossible for you both to treat each other with respect, under those circumstances. If the latter, that's bad because he is teaching you that you need to be submissive to his will and whims, all the time and that to act otherwise is very bad behaviour.

So, it doesn't really matter how you are "winding him up." The fact is that he is being wound up by you and is losing his temper with you and he is going to believe he is justified in losing his temper just a little more nastily, the longer the relationship continues.

And you have already lost touch with so many friends. He is already making your world smaller and smaller and making you dependent on not pissing him off by being a naughty, disobedient little woman.

Original poster
ConciselyConfused · 27/12/2014 20:34

The final straw for him today was me saying I didn't want to eat pasta, I wanted porridge. He'd gone to the shop and bought this pasta for us, Id already said I felt like having porridge could he pick up some milk. He came back with this pasta and the milk and said he thought we could have that, I said OK then about 2 mins later changed my mind and said actually I'd have porridge.

Earlier on this morning I'd questioned if he was looking after the baby properly because he keeps on putting her on her play mat all the time. I said 'It's fine for her to go on there but she is a human being. You have to talk to her and hold her as well.'

He doesn't neglect her by any means but he is quick to put her down and leave her to it, and he isn't as attuned to her cries as me, he doesn't seem to notice when she starts getting upset until she is properly crying.

So that was what started it today but the porridge thing was the final straw. I wasn't not eating the pasta to be difficult or anything, I genuinely wanted porridge. How ridiculous does that sound.

OP posts:
ouryve · 27/12/2014 20:41

So, you'd "wound him up" by knowing and communicating clearly what you wanted to eat, but being told to eat something else. You considered eating the something else, but then admitted that, no, you didn't want to. You "wound him up" by not letting him overrule you over something pretty trivial.

And I'm guessing that by guiding him in how to interact with his baby, you were "winding him up", too? Yes that could be irritating if you spent 15 minutes or so lecturing him, but still doesn't justify him losing his temper any more than you wanting to eat porridge and not sodding pasta does.

Starlightbright1 · 27/12/2014 20:47

Something my DS (7) said about how he loved Christmas because he got to chose his own pudding as a mum made me think..I don't give him enough choice as I am busy trying to balance his meals but he is 7.

You are a grown adult and fully capable of making your own mind up what you want to eat.

aeon456 · 27/12/2014 20:47

He's not safe to be around in my opinion. I've been with a person who said I moved around too much in the night and that I made too much noise when went to toilet at night - it was scary and after several incidents where he pushed me over I knew I might end up dead if I stayed with him. It's not worth the risk in my opinion.

Original poster
ConciselyConfused · 27/12/2014 21:07

He's woken up. We spoke about the pasta and he said 'But it cost £3'. I said that didn't matter. He apologised more and said he won't lose his temper again. I said I didn't want dd growing up in a household like that.

Yesterday when I said I wanted to go to the shop he said 'what do you mean you want to go to the shop?!' and took it as an attack on him. It was only 7pm. I brought that up and said he can't act like that, it's controlling and he can't treat me like that. I said I love him and want it to work but he has to stop.

I'm sure you all have your doubts and think I'm being naïve and stupid. I'd think the same. But I want to see how things go.

Thank you all so much. Your advice has not been in vain. I will post again under this name if I need more advice. Thank you again for being with me today.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/12/2014 21:15

So he is going to change his entire personality just like that? With no real incentive? I am very sad it seems you will have to learn the hard way. It may seem easier now but won't be. I wish you all the best Thanks

Original poster
ConciselyConfused · 27/12/2014 21:20

I do realise how pathetic I am. I'm not looking to be told otherwise.

OP posts: