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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't control my temper because you're a fucking bitch

148 replies

ConciselyConfused · 27/12/2014 13:32

That is what my dp just said to me when I told him he couldn't control his temper and needed help.

I want to take my baby and go and stay in a hotel for the night. Am I overreacting? I don't want to be near him right now and I have nobody in real life I can turn to.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 27/12/2014 17:04

It isn't you. You don't push his buttons. He is an abuser who does what all abusers do: blame something else and someone else for his abuse.

FryOneFatManic · 27/12/2014 17:04

Oh, and my DP has had depression. Didn't make him nasty or verbally abusive, or indeed crazy.

After all, I think the stats are that at least 1 in 4 people will have depression in their lifetime. We don't see 1/4 of all people out there acting crazy, you know.

Vivacia · 27/12/2014 17:05

Absolutely nobody deserves to be called "you fucking bitch", but it absolutely shouldn't be said from the people who are supposed to cherish you. It's such an aggressive, cruel, misogynistic thing for him to say.

Get yourself a hot takeaway and get to your mum's or a hotel. I want you to be somewhere safe and warm. You can't think straight if you're cold or hungry.

iloverunning36 · 27/12/2014 17:05

It isn't you but you won't be able to see anything clearly until you get away from him manipulating your mind, thoughts and feelings. How bad do you think he will be if you go back? It's tough but I did it 2 months ago with an 8 month old baby and my 2 kids from a previous relationship and I still get angry at myself for not doing it sooner. I was just thinking today I can't believe how scared I used to be of him. He was also not violent. He has crumbled now, full of self pity.

expatinscotland · 27/12/2014 17:06

Another classic: you are crazy, mentally ill, an unfit parent, he will take the kids, call SS.

All bollocks.

He is a criminal.

iloverunning36 · 27/12/2014 17:07

I felt all that too like I was making a mountain out of a molehill or being an attention seeker and lots of guilt. But I also felt massive relief at not being blamed for stuff any more Smile

dunfightin · 27/12/2014 17:17

Dear OP,
those of us who have been where you are now are totally and utterly with you and understand all those mixed emotions. You keep your name, there is no need to be embarrassed. We know it is hard and while there is a lot of very tough but true comments on here, but there is also care and concern. The wonderful AF is very rarely wrong, but she is also very direct and that can be hard to take.
His unpredictable and unloving actions act to muddle your brain - it's called FOG - forgiveness, obligation and guilt - it is what he needs you to feel so that you continue this dance with him. He needs you more than you need him - that's part of the weird logic of abuse.
You have a right to go where you want and do what you want and see who you want. No one person can ever fulfil all another's needs. He certainly isn't fulfilling yours at the moment. You don't say how old your baby is but every mother needs some very solid, unquestioning and forgiving support when a child is small. It's hard, hard work (though it will get easier).
Go to your mum's. Just say you've had a row. Once you are there tell him where you and the baby are, give a time when you will contact him i.e. some time tomorrow/next week/next year and ask him not to contact you.
That is the mature and reasonable way of dealing with an argument in anyone's book.
When you are being cared for or at the very least in a predictable, safe environment then you can work out where to go from here. Do not let him emotionally blackmail you at present. In the end, the baby comes first. If things escalate that is what social services, any authority, anyone concerned for the child's welfare will ask of you. If he cannot behave in an acceptable way around his child, then he either walks or does the talking with a professional to deal with his temper and what lies behind it.

Cloudhowe63 · 27/12/2014 17:30

Wise words, dunfightin. It isn't you, OP. You may find that your depression improves with distance from this man. It's not unknown!

IUsedToUseMyHands · 27/12/2014 17:41

It's not you it's definitely him. Don't stop posting OP, particularly if you go back. It's not at all easy to leave a situation like this and most of us know first hand just how difficult and frightening it can be - particularly when you have a very small child to think of. I stayed for ten years in a situation like yours and I only left when the situation became completely farcical and untenable; to be honest I think he pushed me out because he was done with me. I never posted threads about my situation during the relationship and I never told a soul - but I read the Relationships board all the time and it helped me cling onto a shred of sanity in a maddening situation. It's quite triggering to read these threads at Christmas time because the holidays were always the worst times for me. Two years ago on Christmas Day in the middle of a terrifying row I grabbed the car keys and drove off in his car with all the doors and the boot open. ExH charged after me up the road shouting blue murder, pissed off his head but I got away thank God. I parked in a side street nearby as there was no fuel in the car, I turned off the GPS on my phone and spent the night in the car. I was eight months pregnant and it was freezing. And early the next morning I went back to him - cause I had no money and felt I had nowhere else to go. Of course things only got worse - and things will get worse for you too unless you find a way to get away. I wish it wasn't true but I'm sure it is. Read Pat Craven's Living With The Dominator. Read Lundy Bancroft. Recognise that the feelings of guilt you experience at the thought of leaving him are due to your conditioning to put his needs first and make your own needs small. Speak to Womens Aid if you feel able to. Keep posting on here or reading the threads. You're not alone and there are lots of wonderful people who will help you if you let them. Hope you're somewhere safe. Xx

AnyFucker · 27/12/2014 17:49

op, no matter what you decide to do today, keep posting

Mogz · 27/12/2014 17:53

How are you doing OP? Keep up posted with how you are. If you can contact your doctor's surgery/citizen's advice/police station they can point you in the direction of Women's Aid and other refuges in your area.

Original poster
ConciselyConfused · 27/12/2014 17:55

I want to go home. He isn't answering his phone or the house phone. Im walking back.

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 27/12/2014 17:59

he is trying to make you panic. he threatened that if you left the relationship would be over. he has the upper hand.
You are now supposed to start begging..
Don't lower yourself to his level.

Vivacia · 27/12/2014 18:02

I agree that he's deliberately keeping you guessing. He needs to start reeling you back in and this is probably the simplest way of doing so. I wish you were heading somewhere else. Keep us posted, you're not alone.

AnyFucker · 27/12/2014 18:06

If you go back you will be in a worse position than before as he will have it confirmed you feel you have no other choice

you do have a choice, love

please be careful because he will feel more secure in his abuse of you every time yo react in the way he predicts for you

Original poster
ConciselyConfused · 27/12/2014 18:06

He answered he sounded really cold. I asked him where he is, he said he's at home. I said I was coming back. He said 'is there anything else you want to say?' I said 'I just don't want you to lose your temper anymore.' He asked where I was and said it's cold, did I want him to come and pick us up. I said no.

Now I'm going back. I know he thinks I'm the one in the wrong. I want our relationship to be better. Can he be abusive without knowing he is? I don't think he thinks in his head that he is controlling or anything.

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 27/12/2014 18:10

oh no-he knows full well that he is abusive and you know what HE DOESN'T CARE.
He knows you will cave in and go back so he has no need to change his behaviour.
Only you can change your behaviour in response to it.

AnyFucker · 27/12/2014 18:11

It doesn't matter what he thinks

it is unlikely he would hold his hands up and call himself an abuser

if his behaviour is abusive though, that is precisely what he is

oolaroola · 27/12/2014 18:16

Does it really matter wether he knows he's being abusive or not?
What really matters is that you and your baby deserve a happy life, not one walking on eggshells.
You can't change his temper, only he can do that and he's giving you strong signals that he doesn't recognise he has a problem with it at all.
You're not being silly to not want to live with that - in fact that's far from silly.
Could you reconnect with friends? Get their opinions/views?
You sound isolated and I don't like the sound of him controlling you by getting moody when you want to go out, or the threat of him tellling everyone "what you're really like", they are not the acts of someone who is a loving partner. And yes, keep posting regardless.

EssexMummy123 · 27/12/2014 18:19

Why are you putting yourself and your baby through this? Please do the freedom program.

MaryWestmacott · 27/12/2014 18:21

OK, it's cold and it's late. Going home tonight if you are sure you are safe isn't a silly thing to do. but you know this isn't possible for long term. Start planning. Can you afford a deposit on somewhere else to rent? Plan an exit.

BertieBotts · 27/12/2014 18:21

I disagree, I think most abusers don't know. They have such an inflated sense of self importance, in fact, that they often feel themselves to be the victim. That's why they keep on - they think they are right and justified.

He's still human, he's not some monster. That's what makes it so hard to separate yourself from such a person.

Please believe me when I say this relationship is not worth making better because it will never be good enough.

Vivacia · 27/12/2014 18:24

You are going to waste time, energy and emotion figuring him out. You need to preserve your energy and emotion for escaping.

anothergenericname · 27/12/2014 18:28

Please keep posting, even if you do go back. In fact, if you go back, you'll need some unbiased support even more and Mumsnet is amazing at that. You're not crazy, or a bitch, or in the wrong, but making massive changes to your life (especially at this time of year) is a fucking hard thing to do, so cut yourself some slack. You'll make the right choice for you when you're ready to make it. In the meantime keep talking to us.
Take care

AcrossthePond55 · 27/12/2014 18:29

Can he be abusive without knowing? To a certain extent, yes. Especially if he is mirroring the way he was raised. BUT, he should be willing to LISTEN to you and understand that he is behaving wrongly. That isn't an excuse for him. It's not a reason why it's 'ok' to behave the way he does. It's wrong and abusive and he needs to change. If he won't listen or is unwilling to change, then you do need to leave. You can't fix him. He can only fix himself.

I've been where you are. But my DH listened to me and sought help. Actually, I gave him an ultimatum and he knew I meant it! It took time but he was able to correct his behaviour.

You deserve so much better than the way you are being treated. There's no such thing as 'you wind me up so it's your fault'. Every married couple knows how to push each other's buttons. So what? You get mad and spat without blaming each other. Then you say sorry and make up.

Please talk to someone. WA or your mum. And please keep posting. Yes, you'll get a bit of LTB, but also good advice. The final decision is yours.