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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't control my temper because you're a fucking bitch

148 replies

ConciselyConfused · 27/12/2014 13:32

That is what my dp just said to me when I told him he couldn't control his temper and needed help.

I want to take my baby and go and stay in a hotel for the night. Am I overreacting? I don't want to be near him right now and I have nobody in real life I can turn to.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 27/12/2014 16:01

He said if I go away for the night we are over and he's telling everyone what I'm really like.

Don't worry about this - worry about getting away for good.

Is it his house? Is there somewhere you can go until you find somewhere else to live?

FunkyBoldRibena · 27/12/2014 16:02

I feel embarrassed to go to my mums

Just go to your mums, she wouldn't want you to feel this way.

TendonQueen · 27/12/2014 16:03

Good for you for going. ignore his threat - he's the one who should worry about people knowing what he's really like! Can you drop round to a friend's? Even if you go online while you're there and book a cheap hotel to actually stay in?

TendonQueen · 27/12/2014 16:04

If nothing else, go to a nearby cafe or supermarket, preferably one with wifi, and have a breather.

Joysmum · 27/12/2014 16:05

You're a parent, how would you feel when your child grows up if they felt they couldn't come to you in times of trouble?

thornrose · 27/12/2014 16:07

You can go to your mums, you don't have to tell her anything just yet if you don't want to. Just say you've had a row for now. Get some breathing space.

I bet he's the reason you don't really have any friends anymore isn't he?

AdoraBell · 27/12/2014 16:10

Why do you not have friends anymore ? Is it because he didn't like you having friends? You found it easier to drop friends because it winds him up?

ElizaPickford · 27/12/2014 16:12

Whereabouts are you- can any of us help?

Original poster
ConciselyConfused · 27/12/2014 16:12

Yes he is the reason. He says it's them. He used to get angry and upset if I went out so I stopped and gradually lost contact. Is this really my life?

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 27/12/2014 16:17

Go to your mum's.

PoppyField · 27/12/2014 16:20

Hello OP,

So sorry you are going through this. Just wanted to send you a hug. His latest outburst is unacceptable and you are not overreacting.

It is obviously the latest in a catalogue of abuses - alienating your friends and family so that you are isolated is a very typical tactic of abusers.

Rack your brains - are there people who used to be your friends before he pushed them away, that you could go to? I am sure they would want to help you - I bet you they know he's obnoxious and would want to lend support, especially as you have the baby with you.

Or the hotel. Keep thinking. It is ok to ask for help, it really is.

FryOneFatManic · 27/12/2014 16:21

It's not your friends, not your family. It's all him.

He says things like you wind him up to put the blame on you for his awful behaviour. But he is the only person responsible for his behaviour. It wasn't you.

Go to your mum.

AdoraBell · 27/12/2014 16:22

Yes, unfortunately this is your life at this point. That does not mean you have to put up with it though.

Think about what you wanted when you were a child. Did you think your life would be controlled by someone who blames you for their behaviour, did you think you had no friends and be afraid to let your mum know about your life?

And what would you want your child to do if they were in this situation? Who would they turn to if not you? Go to your mum's if you can get there, call your old friends. Reclaim your life and yourself.

But do it carefully because it sounds like he's had control for a long time and so he possibly won't relinquish it easliy.

Speak to the police, domestic violence unit, Women's Aid and your GP. Get this documented so that if he turns nasty you can call the police and they should respond quickly because it's a known case.

Original poster
ConciselyConfused · 27/12/2014 16:29

Thank you everyone. I am torn between feeling like an absolute idiot who is making a mountain out of a molehill, and feeling like an absolute idiot for doubting myself when it's probably obvious he is bad news.

Someone asked about our home - we rent and it's in both our names but he pays. I could afford to pay it myself though.

I'm in a shopping centre now. I'm going to spend some time here and then decide whether to go to a hotel or go back home. Thank you for the kind offer of help but I'm OK.

If I do go back home I will be too ashamed to tell you all and I won't post under this name change anymore. I just want you all to know I'm in no physical harm. I won't forget this and all I want is my daughter to live a happy life so if this relationship is really that bad then I'm not hanging around. Thank you all so much for you kind words.

OP posts:
Starlightbright1 · 27/12/2014 16:33

I was you a few years ago... I had lost friends, confidence, didn't feel like I was a little mouse who accepted everything however when I looked back I had changed my behaviour. I wasn't allowed in pubs as he didn't trust other men.

I ended up in a refuge however it was the best thing I have ever done for my Ds and myself..He was 10 months old when we left.

Go to your mum..I bet this is the call she has been waiting for , for years.

Give yourself space and you will see it.

FunkyBoldRibena · 27/12/2014 16:34

If I do go back home I will be too ashamed to tell you all and I won't post under this name change anymore.

Why on earth would you be ashamed - it looks like he has got you scared to do anything. And stop being ashamed of everything. No shame in walking away.

Hatespiders · 27/12/2014 16:35

Hello there Concisely,

You do know why you left. You left because you're afraid, miserable and can't bear being with him any more. That's why you left, and it was the right thing to do. You absolutely must protect yourself and your baby.

This man is showing the classic signs of an abuser; telling you it's your own fault for provoking him. Well it isn't. He's isolated you from friends and 'not been happy' at you going out. Typical behaviour of a controlling, abusive and potentially dangerous man.

Please go straight to your mum's. She's your mother, she'll help you and will know what to do. Even if you've not been on good terms with her or something, this is an emergency and she'd want you to come to her.

I do so hope you can carry on being strong. You've made the first excellent step of getting the hell out of there. Look at your dear little baby's face and find the courage to escape permanently from this apology for a man.

Starlightbright1 · 27/12/2014 16:38

WE x posted... Can I also tell you my ex got a caution for domestic violence against me and I didn't leave. I did leave over a far less serious incident when he damaged property and didn't understand DS was scared because he had a startled expression on his face not crying .

Can I also suggest should you go home look up the freedom program I beleive you can do it online. It will show you how many more ways your ex is been abusive.

Last thing to say how this man is treating you is how your daughter is going to learn a man should treat her.

You both deserve better.

MadameJosephine · 27/12/2014 16:47

I was you 14 years ago. Eventually I left and turned up unannounced with my DS on my mums doorstep. She didn't even ask me why.

Please remove yourself and your child from this situation, it won't do either or you any good. You don't need to be violent to be an abuser

Cloudhowe63 · 27/12/2014 16:50

Please don't be embarrassed to go to your mum's. I would be deeply hurt if my daughter (or son) felt they couldn't come home - even for breathing/ thinking space. Stay safe.

cestlavielife · 27/12/2014 16:51

go to your mums. it is best you do separate. he has warned you. let him carry out his threat to leave. (bet he wont tho - my ex said this too - if i didnt change he was leaving... he then refused to do so. i had to leave with dc...)
you dont know what he might do when you really "wind him up" as he says you do. you dont know what he might do to your ds, even accidentally pushing throwing grabbing. you can withstand this a baby cannot.

Cloudhowe63 · 27/12/2014 16:59

And please keep posting if you need support - whatever you decide. It isn't always so clear cut when it's your reality, but many women have found the support they need from strangers on the Internet. Nothing to be embarrassed about.

Original poster
ConciselyConfused · 27/12/2014 16:59

What if it's me though? I know he's done stuff wrong but I do push his buttons. He says I am My family think he's great. I don't think I know what a normal relationship should look like

OP posts:
Original poster
ConciselyConfused · 27/12/2014 17:01

He says I am crazy, that should have said. Because I've had depression and stuff.

OP posts:
FryOneFatManic · 27/12/2014 17:02

It isn't you. He says you push his buttons. That's just an excuse for blaming you.