Can a relationship last with a drinker and a teetotaler?

[BackInTheGame]

Hi everyone, sorry if this sounds ridiculous - I'm not sure in my own head whether I'm being stupid or not.

For a bit of background: A lot of my socialising involves alcohol but I definitely don't drink too much - maybe one glass of wine with dinner with friends once during the week, and maybe 4-5 drinks max (glasses of wine or g+t's) over the weekend, always at social occasions with friends. I don't get stupidly drunk (and I am a happy drunk so often just a bubblier, sillier version of myself and get tired far less quickly at parties) but like the taste of alcohol and just really enjoy the feeling of being tipsy and think parties are much more fun if people have had a bit to drink as people loosen up. All of my friends drink a similar amount to me and I don't really know anyone who doesn't drink at all, apart from one religious colleague. My friends and I however do lots of other fun activities that are alcohol-free, such as going for walks or cycle-rides, trips to the cinema, cups going to each other's houses for a cup of tea and a cake etc. With my family we would always have a glass of wine with dinner (we only meet up maybe once a month).

On mine and DP's first three dates we did a fair bit of drinking (bar for first two dates and dinner with drinks for third date) and he seemed to drink a normal amount at social occasions for the first couple of months, by which point I was hooked and fell for him. After a while though, I noticed he never wanted a glass of wine if we went out for dinner and didn't like going out to a bar or pub on a date. He would also only have one or two drinks at parties we went to and then would switch to water. It bothered me a bit as it limited the dates we could do with no bars or pubs and I like to have a drink if I'm going out for a meal but didn't feel I could if he wasn't going to, as I felt a bit alcoholic drinking on my own! So I brought it up with him and he said he just wasn't a big drinker as he doesn't like the way it makes him feel the next day and he doesn't particularly enjoy drinking anyway.

Over time it has built up into a bit of an issue as I feel embarrassed when we go out with friends and he's sticking to water (not even coke or lemonade, he doesn't like them!) whilst everyone else is tucking into wine or beer. I think it makes him seem boring or tight or anti-social given that everyone knows he doesn't have any medical, religious or alcoholism-related reasons not to drink, and it has raised some light-hearted comments. It also makes rounds difficult as if someone does get him an alcoholic drink in the first round he will nurse that one drink for about an hour so is obviously very out of sync with the rest of the group. At parties he gets tired quickly and so often wants to leave fairly early, when I (and everyone else) am having lots of fun. It also makes me feel uncomfortable if it's just the two of us out as I don't want to be the only one drinking. It also makes me sad that this isn't something we can share, as although we get on brilliantly when sober, I think we could have a lot of fun if drunk together, but it doesn't really work if I'm a bit drunk and he's sober as we're in different head spaces. What really annoys me is that he will go out and have big nights out with his friends where he does drink a fair amount. However, this is not very frequently (maybe once every couple of months), he says he hates it but has to drink a bit or his friends wouldn't invite him out, and says he always switches back to water once his friends are too drunk to realise what he's drinking.

It all came to a head this weekend when I ordered a cocktail and he once again ordered a water. I told him it was really bothering me and he said that if he's honest he's quite keen to give up alcohol altogether as he doesn't particularly like the taste, thinks it's bad for your health and wants to feel fresh the next day. He doesn't see what the problem is as he says he's completely fine with me drinking and would never judge me for it, so why do I care? This might sound silly but I'm totally gutted. I hate drinking on my own (with him there I mean, I actually never drink when I am literally on my own) as it just feels weird and wrong and I don't like getting tipsy with someone who's sober as it makes me feel like an idiot. I just feel that we want totally different lifestyles. It's not like I'm asking him to go on massive binges every week or to drink every night - I would be happy to compromise and just have say one fun date a month that involved alcohol and for him to get tipsy with me on special occasions such as Christmas and birthdays. He says he won't completely give up alcohol yet but plans to in the future and for the meantime doesn't want to be held down to any rules about when he has to drink or to feel any pressure to drink. I do understand that and don't want to be pressuring him to do something he doesn't want to do but am honestly struggling to picture a future for me with a sober partner. If he had told me he was teetotal when we met I would never have gone out with him in the first place as I would have known our clash of lifestyles wouldn't have worked.However I now deeply love him, he is so great in so many other ways and I don't want to break up with someone because of alcohol!

Please tell me if I'm being ridiculous, and I would be especially grateful to hear from anyone who is in a relationship where one person drinks and the other doesn't and how it works in practice? Does anyone actually feel comfortable drinking at a bar or similar when their partner is not?

Thanks so much.

Another ex ridiculously heavy drinker here. I stopped drinking 14 months ago - had to it was killing me emotionally and physically. Dh still drinks and he probably drinks a bit more than I would like him to, but that is his choice not mine. He would never dream of having a to at me for being boring. I was bloody boring when I was drinking!

It's awful what you are saying. Why is alcohol forced on people like this?

The issue in general isn't so much alcohol as some people's inability to leave other people alone. I'm a drinker and I have nearly always hung out with groups of people who don't all drink, and can't remember anyone picking at anyone else to have a drink they didn't want. At one point, one of my previously hard-drinking mates got pregnant (much to her delight) and stopped drinking. We all still sat in the pub together and had just as much fun. Maybe it's because I am used to people who are, well, not very mainstream in a variety of ways that we all tolerate each other's differences?

You sound a very good egg, SGB, that's it exactly. Tolerance for other people's choices without making them feel scrutinised for them.

I go out with drinkers/non-drinkers - we're all actually drinking so it's not as if some are sitting there grumpily with arms crossed, slowly dessicating through lack of fluid...

OP regardless of the drinking issue you say in your first post that:

You are embarrassed by him
You want to change him
You judge his (positive) lifestyle choices

I have to question your definition of 'love'.

I also think you might want to consider your social group. If you discovered tomorrow that you could no longer drink for medical reasons, would your friends:

Think you were suddenly boring
Be embarrassed by you
Judge you
Want to change you
Stop inviting you out?

Because if the answer to any of the above is 'yes' then that is a problem for you.

You may also want to consider that given the views you've expressed in your OP that your man may not think that there is a long term future with you.

Op, what matters more to you - going out drinking or dating a decent man who doesn't like alcohol? If the booze is more important to you then this relationship is doomed and you need to find a boyfriend who is happy to match you round by round. This man isn't teetotal he will have a drink or two but doesn't want more. He's a sensible adult who has got past the stage of needing to be drunk to consider an evening to be fun. I think your boyfriend deserves to be with someone who will accept that he doesn't drink and appreciate him for his good qualities rather than judge him for not getting drunk.

I don't drink at all and I just don't get what is so fun with being hungover after drinking loads, regretting bad behaviour when out of control and wasting all your money on alcohol.

Wow thanks for all the replies everyone - sorry, I haven't been able to check until now.

This has been a real eye-opener for me as I really wasn't expecting the sort of replies that the majority have been. It is definitely making me re-think my attitude to alcohol and the point someone made about whether my friends would still want to hang out with me as much if I couldn't drink for some reason has definitely hit home!

The point about how I would feel if he couldn't drink for medical reasons was an interesting one as then my attitude would be very different. But I think in that case whilst I would think 'that's a shame', I would also feel bad for him having to miss out and therefore obviously wouldn't be annoyed with him. It would also mean I wasn't embarrassed as if anyone said anything I would be able to put them straight. I guess it's weird that I feel someone needs an excuse not to drink eg religion, medicine, ex-alcoholic, but if they just don't want to I don't like it! I guess it goes back to what a previous poster said about not really trusting someone who just decides not to drink and also not trusting them not to judge you. In this case though obviously I know him very well and so I don't need to worry about not trusting him - I'm more worried that it means we just want different lifestyles and I'm worried about how this will play out in future.

I also want to make it clear that I of course realise it is much much better to be with a sober person that someone who has a drinking problem! But I don't see it as a choice between those two extremes as I would prefer to be with someone who is happy to have a few drinks and then stop. As I tried to make clear in my OP, I don't have bad binges where I then do something stupid. Just a few glasses to make merry and then go home. I also very rarely have a hangover as I'm not drinking enough to even get one! None of my friends turn nasty or do bad things when they have a drink - they just become more lively and stay out later.

I liked the analogy someone made about smoking as in that case I would think the person was being ridiculous, so I can see how lots of you are now seeing me. But I guess I see it more as being a situation where if you went out for dinner with someone to a restaurant and they didn't order a meal. You'd feel a bit weird sitting there eating a whole meal whilst they just nibbled at the free bread. And you probably wouldn't order a desert even if you really wanted one as you'd feel weird eating so much when the other person wasn't participating. You'd also feel like they didn't really want to be there, which would limit your enjoyment of the evening. This is exactly how I feel when I go to a bar with DP and he's just having water. I think it would make quite a big difference if he was having say a mocktail (he thinks they're too sugary), as then at least I would think he was enjoying a bit of a treat. But water is something he could just get out of the tap at home so it does feel like he must not want to be there (he says he doesn't love bars but is happy to go to one if I want to).

Sorry also just to make clear, he used to have a few glasses with me in the past but now the majority of the time he doesn't drink with me at all and if he does it's one glass max with the two of us, two glasses max in a group, maybe six times a year in total. We go to a group social occasion at least once a week and have a date about once a week.

I dont want to drink with my partner in pubs and clubs like we used to. im fine with a mini whiskey and coke if we go out, but he's not arsed. we dont nag each other, its our choice what we both do.
i will drink a little but i hate being drunk. i hate when i see my partner throw up cos he doesnt know when to stop.
i've never been sick, never had a hangover, never done anything stupid or anything i regret.
some people, like me, just don't like drinking. i will drink, but i dont particularly like it.

I wonder why, really, you feel embarrassed about him not drinking? not a dig by the way, but is it the image of a hard drinking geezer being a real man or something?

Also, the whole 'missing out' thing. I missed out on a lot more when pissed up and ranting than i'm missing now

OP I'm glad you came back.

I came back to say that actually thinking about it I can see your point. It wasn't until I had to give up drinking that I realised how most involved alcohol is in most peoples lives. Go for a meal -drink, meet friends - have a drink in the pub/go for cocktails, celebrate - drink, go on a date - meet in a pub or bar etc etc.

There are also threads every year by women who are pg, don't want it known and have to go to Christmas parties and need an "excuse" not to drink it people will assume they are pg !

Hi op, I don't drink very much but my dh drinks loads.

I was a big drinker when we met. I cut down to lose weight then decided I liked not being hungover then when I was sober I realised I didn't like my drunk friends anymore. I could see how alcohol dependent they were. In their late 30's and still posting alcohol consumption on fb like it's an achievement and a night out wasn't complete until you've drunk enough to pass out. When we went on holiday with some of them id escape and be in bed at 10 because they bored me. So I do believe different attitudes to alcohol can ruin relationships. I lost friends because of it.

My dh still drinks at home and when we're out and sometimes it is quite a lot but he's not silly with it and I know it's mostly because he just likes the taste of it and he never forces it on me or makes a big deal out of me not drinking. He also doesn't change in personality or talk rubbish which I hate. And that's something my friends were guilty of.

My drinking now doesn't go much beyond a cocktail on my birthday and a bucks fizz at xmas. I drink soft drinks when we're out, the beer and wine here are rank and loads of people drink coffee in the evening anyway like I do so that's not a problem for me but I understand your thinking about him drinking water.

What Lyingwitchinthewardrobe said!

Don't think you can compare him drinking water (because alcohol makes him feel rotten) while you get annoying on cocktails to him nibbling bread in a restraunt while you eating a full lavish meal. They are two totally different situations. Everyone I know eats meals but I know plenty of tea totellers/limited alcohol drinkers who would drink next to no alcohol in a pub.

I actually feel quite sorry for your DH as your lifestyle seems quite shallow. Alcohol is just a small thing, it shouldn't be the crux of your relationship.

Two glasses of wine on a special occasion is quite normal.

lying witch i honestly have no idea what you are talking about. was i bitching at people for not drinking....Erm no. If you'd read the whole thread you would know my dh doesnt drink, it's the individuals choice.

My point is on mn there is a quite ridiculous group of people who start spouting 'drink problem' if anyone has more than 2 halves per week. Their choice, just like eating lots of cake is someone else's choice. How does saying the op is perfectly normal make me sanctimonious?

OP I think you will find it's a short term problem as if he's the one your priorities will change in the next few years. Go out for a nice meal with him, take a friend to share a bottle of prosecco in the pub. Seriously as long as he doesn't judge you (like some on here) and try to make you change it can work.

And tbf I think 'medical reasons' can be interpreted widely. My dh just gets the most awful hangovers from like a glass of wine. His body just doesn't seem to cope with it. That is a medical reason in one way?

OP your follow-up post is very thoughtful. I am not a drinker - hardly drink at all. Just not interested and it makes me feel a bit rubbish after just one or two glasses. So I probably get through about a unit a week on average. But I think this is a bit about your lifestyles and interests rather than alcohol per se.

You sound like you are actively quite social and your DP not so much. And when you describe being gutted when he didn't want a cocktail I wonder if your heart was sinking at having to be the life and soul of the party again when there's just the two of you together - ie, that you do the chatting and animating the table and he takes a back seat. If that's the case it's not really about alcohol. It's about your different levels of sociability.

I agree he has got medical reasons. He feels ill the next day.

tobysmum77 I don't think any one is implying she is an alcoholic, just pointing out that she obviously uses it as a crutch to 'have fun' and socialise, which isn't healthy!

Father couldn't cope with that idea, he would have drunk it or insisted someone else did. YY, I know someone who would rather drink foul tasting alcohol, because it's alcohol & you shouldn't waste alcohol.

I've come to the conclusion that the sanctimonious are the drinkers like the OP who can't get their heads around people wanting not to drink. YY!

Mocktails are crap, honestly! They are way too sugar loaded & sickly! I'd rather go for water, if they were my only choices. YOu really have to get over this feeling that he is missing out.

People who don't like drink are missing out as much as people who don't like anything...i.e they are not! You can't miss out on something you don't like, because you just don't like it

Oh & mocktails are way overpriced for what is, essentially, fruit juice, anyway!

I am really shocked OP that you think people who don't drink are "tight, boring and anti social" Really you sound a delight!

If alcohol is more important to you than all the good things this man is bringing into your life then yes, you should certainly dump him.

different name if you read back there were over her drink dependence.

I think the socialising through alcohol is an age thing, I may have thought like this in my early 20s. You reach a stage where you reassess and that's what she's doing.

Having gone out with a vegan man who didn't drink either, I am a bit more sympathetic than most tbh.

I drink socially (two to three drinks, once or twice a week) but when you're dating somebody and not living together it's very restrictive to never be able to suggest a pub.

Also, the man I dated, he smoked and I never, ever suggested he gave up but he used to make little 'jokes' about my drinking as though I had a problem. It was a bit tedious.

It wasn't the reason I ended it with him but it was a lack of compatibility alright. If I fell in love with an alcoholic, I would happily give up alcohol and it wouldn't even be hard, but to be made feel like an alcoholic for drinking normally is a bit much.

I've a friend that doesn't drink (a female friend) and it's not an issue at all for us. We go out and she doesn't drink and I don't encourage her to drink and she doesn't 'count' my intake.

Find somebody you're compatible with and don't feel bad about it I say!

There you go! you just need some crisps with that wine now