Can a relationship last with a drinker and a teetotaler?

[BackInTheGame]

Hi everyone, sorry if this sounds ridiculous - I'm not sure in my own head whether I'm being stupid or not.

For a bit of background: A lot of my socialising involves alcohol but I definitely don't drink too much - maybe one glass of wine with dinner with friends once during the week, and maybe 4-5 drinks max (glasses of wine or g+t's) over the weekend, always at social occasions with friends. I don't get stupidly drunk (and I am a happy drunk so often just a bubblier, sillier version of myself and get tired far less quickly at parties) but like the taste of alcohol and just really enjoy the feeling of being tipsy and think parties are much more fun if people have had a bit to drink as people loosen up. All of my friends drink a similar amount to me and I don't really know anyone who doesn't drink at all, apart from one religious colleague. My friends and I however do lots of other fun activities that are alcohol-free, such as going for walks or cycle-rides, trips to the cinema, cups going to each other's houses for a cup of tea and a cake etc. With my family we would always have a glass of wine with dinner (we only meet up maybe once a month).

On mine and DP's first three dates we did a fair bit of drinking (bar for first two dates and dinner with drinks for third date) and he seemed to drink a normal amount at social occasions for the first couple of months, by which point I was hooked and fell for him. After a while though, I noticed he never wanted a glass of wine if we went out for dinner and didn't like going out to a bar or pub on a date. He would also only have one or two drinks at parties we went to and then would switch to water. It bothered me a bit as it limited the dates we could do with no bars or pubs and I like to have a drink if I'm going out for a meal but didn't feel I could if he wasn't going to, as I felt a bit alcoholic drinking on my own! So I brought it up with him and he said he just wasn't a big drinker as he doesn't like the way it makes him feel the next day and he doesn't particularly enjoy drinking anyway.

Over time it has built up into a bit of an issue as I feel embarrassed when we go out with friends and he's sticking to water (not even coke or lemonade, he doesn't like them!) whilst everyone else is tucking into wine or beer. I think it makes him seem boring or tight or anti-social given that everyone knows he doesn't have any medical, religious or alcoholism-related reasons not to drink, and it has raised some light-hearted comments. It also makes rounds difficult as if someone does get him an alcoholic drink in the first round he will nurse that one drink for about an hour so is obviously very out of sync with the rest of the group. At parties he gets tired quickly and so often wants to leave fairly early, when I (and everyone else) am having lots of fun. It also makes me feel uncomfortable if it's just the two of us out as I don't want to be the only one drinking. It also makes me sad that this isn't something we can share, as although we get on brilliantly when sober, I think we could have a lot of fun if drunk together, but it doesn't really work if I'm a bit drunk and he's sober as we're in different head spaces. What really annoys me is that he will go out and have big nights out with his friends where he does drink a fair amount. However, this is not very frequently (maybe once every couple of months), he says he hates it but has to drink a bit or his friends wouldn't invite him out, and says he always switches back to water once his friends are too drunk to realise what he's drinking.

It all came to a head this weekend when I ordered a cocktail and he once again ordered a water. I told him it was really bothering me and he said that if he's honest he's quite keen to give up alcohol altogether as he doesn't particularly like the taste, thinks it's bad for your health and wants to feel fresh the next day. He doesn't see what the problem is as he says he's completely fine with me drinking and would never judge me for it, so why do I care? This might sound silly but I'm totally gutted. I hate drinking on my own (with him there I mean, I actually never drink when I am literally on my own) as it just feels weird and wrong and I don't like getting tipsy with someone who's sober as it makes me feel like an idiot. I just feel that we want totally different lifestyles. It's not like I'm asking him to go on massive binges every week or to drink every night - I would be happy to compromise and just have say one fun date a month that involved alcohol and for him to get tipsy with me on special occasions such as Christmas and birthdays. He says he won't completely give up alcohol yet but plans to in the future and for the meantime doesn't want to be held down to any rules about when he has to drink or to feel any pressure to drink. I do understand that and don't want to be pressuring him to do something he doesn't want to do but am honestly struggling to picture a future for me with a sober partner. If he had told me he was teetotal when we met I would never have gone out with him in the first place as I would have known our clash of lifestyles wouldn't have worked.However I now deeply love him, he is so great in so many other ways and I don't want to break up with someone because of alcohol!

Please tell me if I'm being ridiculous, and I would be especially grateful to hear from anyone who is in a relationship where one person drinks and the other doesn't and how it works in practice? Does anyone actually feel comfortable drinking at a bar or similar when their partner is not?

Thanks so much.

[BackInTheGame]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Very interesting to see that so many people think I should be ok with the situation, especially as any friends I have mentioned it to feel sorry for me that he's become like this! Your responses are heartening in a way, as if the problem is with me then I can work to change it.

To those of you who think I'm crazy, maybe it makes a difference that we live in central London and we don't have DCs yet (nor do any of our friends)? I find that everyone in our circles of friends socialise in the same way that I do but I can see that if you're older (we're late 20s), living in a small town or the country and looking after children things would be considerably different.

[Namechangeyetagaintohide]

Incidentally OP im 26 and single fwiw.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

OP... I don't know that your age has anything to do with it. More and more people (of all ages) are cutting down or becoming teetotal. I work in central London and socialise with my team often. I'd be livid if I were pressurised to drink or made to feel inadequate in some way because I don't.

Please don't put this on your age or location because that's just an excuse. If you need to find a partner who drinks to match you then be honest about it and tell this one so that he can move on.

[TheNewWitchOfSWL]

You are the problem.
His lack of drinking is not affecting anyone.
I hope him soon get to a place where he can't give a shit about what his friends think. I can't understand why would people care if some one is tee-total.....it's extremely immature.
In one of my previous relationship I was bullied into drinking when I didn't really want too by a mind fucker controlling excuse of a man.
And my marriage just ended because of my EX alcoholism.
Alcohol is a dangerous drug that is too glamourised in my opinion.

[YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually]

I genuinely can't imagine attaching this much importance to drinking as a feature of a relationship (unless there is of course alcoholism involved).

The fact you are attaching so much importance to it would signal to me you have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. If you were told tomorrow you could no longer drink alcohol (for health reasons maybe) how would it make you feel?

Anyway, the problem isn't with him. He appears to have a normal relationship with alcohol ie can take it or leave it but prefers to leave it. You sound as though you are dependent I am afraid and I wonder if you are under estimating or deliberately minimising the amount you drink.

It's not so much the fact that you enjoy drinking, it's the fact you seem to NEED your partner to drink with you. It sounds very much as though you want an "enabler" to give you permission to drink and that deep down you feel guilty about the amount you drink.

Just my thoughts but the question about your reaction to being told you could never drink again is worth considering.

[blueshoes]

Just read your last post. Ah, it makes sense now. You do sound rather immature and IMO a little sad that you depend on drink as a crutch when socialising in order to have a good time.

[LovleyRitaMeterMaid]

Dh and I were 18 when we met. I drank in a big way. We went clubbing, to festivals, out every weekend. With him not drinking.

[Fmlgirl]

Your drinking does sound borderline heavy to me as well if that's what you drink each week. He sounds great tbh.

[Fmlgirl]

Oh and I'm 30, child-free and live in central London and feel pressurised into drinking way too often. It's not healthy and it's also expensive.

[anothernumberone]

My brother is married to a tee totaller she drives when they go out and not just when she's pregnant . It is a great state of affairs for him and they are together over 20 years so it is definitely working. You need to stop overthinking it.

[HearMyRoar]

I find it a bit odd that it is so important to you that he drinks and that you find it so uncomfortable to be out with someone not drinking alcohol. If you like him and enjoy spending time with him what's the problem? It sounds like he is perfectly happy to go out with you and friends to bars he just prefers not to get drunk.

I have met people like you before who find the idea of someone choosing not to have an alcoholic drink so terrible that they go to amazing lengths to pressure people into drinking. Generally I think they tend to have a bit of a problem themselves and need to fell there choice to drink is validated by those around them. People who are genuinely comfortable and confident about their own drinking don't need other people to make them feel OK about it.

Personally I used to drink a reasonable amount and never had a problem having a glass of wine with a meal even if the person I was with wasn't. Now I am teetotal but dh still has a drink if we are out. Neither of us have ever had a problem with this and dh has never felt the need to try and pressurise me into drinking with him or make me feel guilty for my choice.

And for what it's worth I can still dance the socks off any drinker. In fact I would bet hard cash that many of our friends don't even realise I never drink.

[WineSpider]

I think posters are neing a bit harsh actually, and I think your lifestyle sounds pretty normal. I wouldn't say it sounds like you have a problem with alcohol, just a fairly typical social life for someone of your age!

I guess it depends whether you have enough in common overall to make it work. If you feel his lack of drinking carries an inherent judgment on your choices regardless of what he says then that might be hard to overcome. It also might mean you have other different perspectives on life. It doesn't mean it won't work, but is
like any other difference of opinion or outlook.

[fruitpastille]

My dh didn't drink at all when we first got a together (incidentally in our 20s in central london) as he didn't like it much. None of our friends gave a toss. He did start drinking a bit with me, sharing a glass or so of wine over dinner but less than me. 14 years later he hardly drinks and it's still a non issue. He always drives as required and three alcohol free pregnancies have been a little easier to bear! I do wish he enjoyed pubs a bit more but I go with friends while he is home with the kids :-) Even when he does very occasionally have a few he holds his drink very well, I think he dislikes 'letting go'. If I am honest I would quite like it if he drank a bit more with me at home but it is a very minor thing. I get wine by the box so I don't have to open a bottle if I fancy a glass or two in front of the telly.

[TheReluctantCountess]

I like a drink. Ok, I like to drink a lot.
Dp is a recovering alcoholic and has been dry for nearly two years. It works for us because I always have a designated driver

[acousticversions]

I have gone through periods where i have not drank at all, and I have still attended parties/clubs/bars. One woman once said to me, "You don't drink? Do you not like to have fun?' which made me laugh a lot (inside my head, not in front of her face).

I don't live in UK/Europe and alcohol is expensive here. By deciding not to drink for 8 months I saved way more money than any of my peer group and could afford 5 weeks road trip and holiday/lots of fun activities including paragliding in my free time. Not having a hangover for 8 months was amazing! :) I live in a real party town as well, I think my lifestyle is probably similar to living in London.

My friends respected my decision. We are all in our early-mid 20s. I am shocked your friends have commented on your DP's non-drinking. That is something I would imagine teenagers to say to each other!

When i decided to stop drinking I felt a bit awkward but then I started to feel really proud, especially when I was explaining "i am saving up to travel/skydive/etc and this is why I am deciding not to drink" :)

[EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh]

You find it embarrassing that he doesn't drink?
Fucking hell. Yes this is your problem. Alcohol is a drug, and if he doesn't like the effects of that drug he has no obligation to take it. I think you need to grow up.

[WhispersOfWickedness]

I came onto the thread to say of course it can last between a drinker and non-drinker, I have a 12 year relationship to prove it.
But wow, nice to know that some people think I am boring, tight and antisocial just because I don't like the taste of alcohol

[Deserttrek]

Sounds like he wants to live a healthy lifestyle.
And some people really don't like the taste, not allergic, but it can make them feel very off par.
Can't see anything wrong with what he is doing.
If alcohol had been invented/discovered in the last 5 years, well it would be an illegal drug by now.
No harm in moderation. No harm in teetotal either.

[Deserttrek]

Sorry....500 years.....ofc

[GarlicDrankTheChristmasSpirit]

I am a recovered alcoholic. That's not supposed to happen, but I worked at it with excellent help. Since I had to do rehab, 12 steps, and spend a year on the wagon, I'm concerned about the degree to which your self-image relies on booze. I also don't believe the amount you say you drink; it would be very unusual for such a moderate alcohol user to be as invested as you & your friends are. I'd quite like you to develop a habit of switching to water before you end up on the road to rehab.

That said, it's your absolute right to dump any relationship that makes you uncomfortable, no matter the reason.

[GarlicDrankTheChristmasSpirit]

Just been thinking about this a bit more ... During my sober year (and other sober periods) I haven't found it difficult to get in the mood when all around me are shedded. I even went on a very messy hen weekend.

Perhaps the difference between you isn't precisely about the drinking, but more that he's not a party kind of guy? Tbh, I'd label that a basic incompatibility with or without substance abuse.

[NoRoomAtTheGin]

You need to go to more places that dont involve drinking...especially as you know he doesnt like it!

[MauriceTheCat]

I don't drink... never had really. MrMaurice is the local chair of CAMRA.

We met in Central London in our 20s and we have managed over 20 years with trips to the pub

I don't want him not to drink he doesn't want me to drink and that is why it works. If he EVER started to cagoule or dictate I had to drink especially at special times of the year. I would leave. My drinking friends and his don't think twice about my consumption. .. are you sure you are npt projecting your own annoyance on your friends?

However I have never been called boring... ever. MrMaurice has often had to track me down at parties.

[Sallystyle]

I rarely drink and get sick of people trying to get me to drink when I go out. I will never understand why so many people can't easily accept that I can have just a good a time as anyone else without drinking. I will still get up and dance and have a good laugh, I just don't need alcohol to do that.. I am not saying drinkers need it either, but for me, it does not loosen me up or give me any benefits at all.

My husbands loves a drink. I am sure he would like me to drink with him every now and then but it has never caused issues.

I think you are sounding a bit silly too.

[getthefeckouttahere]

i think you have had some harsh replies on here.

I think your lifestyle choices are perfectly acceptable, pubs, clubs, getting occasionally pissed together are all lots of fun for lots of people.

You have been a bit judgemental but i think its just a basic compatibility issue. He's not into the same things you are. Its perfecty ok to end it over these issues despite what the judgeypants on here say.