Can a relationship last with a drinker and a teetotaler?

[BackInTheGame]

Hi everyone, sorry if this sounds ridiculous - I'm not sure in my own head whether I'm being stupid or not.

For a bit of background: A lot of my socialising involves alcohol but I definitely don't drink too much - maybe one glass of wine with dinner with friends once during the week, and maybe 4-5 drinks max (glasses of wine or g+t's) over the weekend, always at social occasions with friends. I don't get stupidly drunk (and I am a happy drunk so often just a bubblier, sillier version of myself and get tired far less quickly at parties) but like the taste of alcohol and just really enjoy the feeling of being tipsy and think parties are much more fun if people have had a bit to drink as people loosen up. All of my friends drink a similar amount to me and I don't really know anyone who doesn't drink at all, apart from one religious colleague. My friends and I however do lots of other fun activities that are alcohol-free, such as going for walks or cycle-rides, trips to the cinema, cups going to each other's houses for a cup of tea and a cake etc. With my family we would always have a glass of wine with dinner (we only meet up maybe once a month).

On mine and DP's first three dates we did a fair bit of drinking (bar for first two dates and dinner with drinks for third date) and he seemed to drink a normal amount at social occasions for the first couple of months, by which point I was hooked and fell for him. After a while though, I noticed he never wanted a glass of wine if we went out for dinner and didn't like going out to a bar or pub on a date. He would also only have one or two drinks at parties we went to and then would switch to water. It bothered me a bit as it limited the dates we could do with no bars or pubs and I like to have a drink if I'm going out for a meal but didn't feel I could if he wasn't going to, as I felt a bit alcoholic drinking on my own! So I brought it up with him and he said he just wasn't a big drinker as he doesn't like the way it makes him feel the next day and he doesn't particularly enjoy drinking anyway.

Over time it has built up into a bit of an issue as I feel embarrassed when we go out with friends and he's sticking to water (not even coke or lemonade, he doesn't like them!) whilst everyone else is tucking into wine or beer. I think it makes him seem boring or tight or anti-social given that everyone knows he doesn't have any medical, religious or alcoholism-related reasons not to drink, and it has raised some light-hearted comments. It also makes rounds difficult as if someone does get him an alcoholic drink in the first round he will nurse that one drink for about an hour so is obviously very out of sync with the rest of the group. At parties he gets tired quickly and so often wants to leave fairly early, when I (and everyone else) am having lots of fun. It also makes me feel uncomfortable if it's just the two of us out as I don't want to be the only one drinking. It also makes me sad that this isn't something we can share, as although we get on brilliantly when sober, I think we could have a lot of fun if drunk together, but it doesn't really work if I'm a bit drunk and he's sober as we're in different head spaces. What really annoys me is that he will go out and have big nights out with his friends where he does drink a fair amount. However, this is not very frequently (maybe once every couple of months), he says he hates it but has to drink a bit or his friends wouldn't invite him out, and says he always switches back to water once his friends are too drunk to realise what he's drinking.

It all came to a head this weekend when I ordered a cocktail and he once again ordered a water. I told him it was really bothering me and he said that if he's honest he's quite keen to give up alcohol altogether as he doesn't particularly like the taste, thinks it's bad for your health and wants to feel fresh the next day. He doesn't see what the problem is as he says he's completely fine with me drinking and would never judge me for it, so why do I care? This might sound silly but I'm totally gutted. I hate drinking on my own (with him there I mean, I actually never drink when I am literally on my own) as it just feels weird and wrong and I don't like getting tipsy with someone who's sober as it makes me feel like an idiot. I just feel that we want totally different lifestyles. It's not like I'm asking him to go on massive binges every week or to drink every night - I would be happy to compromise and just have say one fun date a month that involved alcohol and for him to get tipsy with me on special occasions such as Christmas and birthdays. He says he won't completely give up alcohol yet but plans to in the future and for the meantime doesn't want to be held down to any rules about when he has to drink or to feel any pressure to drink. I do understand that and don't want to be pressuring him to do something he doesn't want to do but am honestly struggling to picture a future for me with a sober partner. If he had told me he was teetotal when we met I would never have gone out with him in the first place as I would have known our clash of lifestyles wouldn't have worked.However I now deeply love him, he is so great in so many other ways and I don't want to break up with someone because of alcohol!

Please tell me if I'm being ridiculous, and I would be especially grateful to hear from anyone who is in a relationship where one person drinks and the other doesn't and how it works in practice? Does anyone actually feel comfortable drinking at a bar or similar when their partner is not?

Thanks so much.

[YouCanDoItNow]

ps, I think he sounds really confident in himself that he'll go out and drink water at social occasions. I think that's fine to be honest. My problem with my x was that he couldn't go to a pub. couldn't / wouldn't ever which was hard. Not even for sunday lunch you know? Cos he was vegan and they'd no vegan options. It was very restrictive. But your bf will socialise! He will socialise , he just won't drink! I think that is fine surely? More than fine, I admire that.

[GoodKingQuintless]

Op, there is nothing harmful in eating dinner.

Your dinner comparison might be put into perspective if you substituted food with Cocaine, or smoking cannabis....

[Joysmum]

Your meal in a restaurant analogy isn't a good one. A better I e would be if they didn't eat all their meal or chose a salad.

Going down the pub for a drink isn't about getting drunk, it's about enjoying your drink of choice with good company.

Likewise, going to a restaurant isn't about both of you needing to eat the same thing in the same quantity.

[GoodKingQuintless]

Maybe he has become conscious of how tedious and boring drunks are, from spending time with you and your friends, it is giving him a different perspective and decided he wants to give it up completely.

Just a thought. You all may think you are a hoot, or two, and bubbly and fun. From an outside perspective it may not be the case.

I have worked behind a bar.... Our customers thought they were the height of fun and intellect, but I just saw them as rather tragic. Most of our customers had good jobs, working in banking, and accounting. Of course I had to be all smiles and engage in banter. Part of my job description.

[specialsubject]

haven't read whole thread. What leaps out of your OP is that you said you think not drinking makes him boring. It also sounds like you think getting pissed is fun and an objective in itself.

well, you're entitled to that but I think HE is going to get bored with YOU. If you don't drink, pissed people are really, really dull even if they don't get to the disgusting stage.

non-drinker with a drinker (not an alcoholic!) for decades. but we both have a life and mutual hobbies that don't involve brain-dissolving.

[WhirlyTwirlySnowflakes]

BackIn that was a good response. I'm glad the thread has given you some food for thought.

One of the things I like best about MN is that it reveals perspectives which can be quite outside our own experience/the prevailing opinions of our friends/family.

I hope everything works out for you and your chap - he sounds great.

[Lucy2610]

Another teetotaller here who decided to stop 15 months ago. Can't answer the boozer with non-boozer question as we decided to stop together because it was an issue for both of us. Do think you might benefit from looking at your own consumption and attitude to alcohol and how it is warping your perception of him. We're doing Xmas Day with the in-laws who don't get why we've stopped and they will be encouraging us to imbibe. I find it bloody annoying and feels downright ignorant and rude tbh. Going back to the smoking analogy if someone has given up you wouldn't encourage them to have 'just one' would you so if he doesn't want to drink alcohol on that day or any other day it's his choice isn't it? We really need to change our culture and attitude to drinking and alcohol in this country if choosing not to drink means we are seen not to be trustworthy or perceived as judgemental, boring, tight and unable to have fun. The only judgements being made here seem to be coming in the other direction!

[GarlicDrankTheChristmasSpirit]

there is a quite ridiculous group of people who start spouting 'drink problem'

Along with my fellow alkies, I "spouted" drink problem NOT because of the amount or regularity of OP's drinking, but because of her investment in it. She was considering dumping a nice boyfriend over it. This feeling that life isn't good enough without alcohol, and that drinkers form a sort of club which everyone should join, is a defining characteristic of problem drinking (not alcoholism, which tends not to give a fuck what other people do.)

It's just better to be aware of this while you still have choices.

BackInTheGame, thanks for your update! I'd still say that a mismatch over the type of socialising you enjoy is a bigger problem than an alcohol mismatch - but only you know whether this is the real problem, or not.
Merry Christmas! (And I do mean 'merry' )

[MrSheen]

I'm not teetotal, but I don't like beer or wine and I never drink in the house or with a meal. I also don't like coke, lemonade, fruit juice all that much. I have them occasionally but prefer water. I do drink on nights out (whisky and coke, vodka and orange, jaegerbombs - that's pretty much it) but no more than 3-4 and then I'm back on water.


I have cut people out of my life before who've mocked me for not drinking, called be booooring as they fall about the place, or constantly mither on 'just have half a glass of wine' (why? just why? If someone says they don't like tea or irn bru you don't go all Mrs Doyle on them) because I can't be fucked with boring, narrow minded fuckers. Most of my friends are normal though, even when they are smashed and DP is happy to hog the gin.

[creativeme]

sorry to say this but you sound very immature and quite childish, its all about how you feel and how you carry the nights through, what about what he wants? he sounds much more mature than you, what i would do would be to break up with him and date someone who is on the same drinking level as you and get drunk together.

Your partner doesnt need a drink to be happy but sounds like you do and thats either one or two things, you are either very insecure or you cant be yourself and relax without drink? many young people need this to get into their social group, to feel accepted and liked, maybe this is what you fear, your friends, people judging, but its only you who is judging him. He is mature enough not to.

Dump him before you become a control freak with him, or even more so he leaves you because you make him unhappy!

[AliMonkey]

Absolutely it can work. I am teetotal (just don't like the stuff) and DH is an average drinker. Been together 20 years. But if you think it's an issue and are going to pressurise him then that won't work.

[Tollygunge]

My husband doesn't really drink, he will have the odd one but just doesn't like it. He never has a go at me or counts my drinks but is always happy to drive which is v handy. He is also happy to fill me in on bits of the night which are 'hazy' after big parties and weddings. Nobody ever accuses him of being boring, our friends just accept it. We do other stuff rather than going out drinking and I go drinking with my girls. Works out very well actually

[BallsforEarings]

Just from my perspective, I am a drinker, love to have a giggle and socialise, enjoy a glass of wine at least some evenings at home and have always done so especially when feeling stressed or celebrating.

My DH on the other hand, hardly drinks and does not approve of drinking because of the role alchohol played in his background! He used to have a weird problem with my drinking ie if I poured myself a glass he would say 'why do that - talk to me instead' i was like ????

After 13 years together I have managed to educate him that I have never had any problem with alchohol and don't drink an awful lot, maybe it's not the healthiest habit but neither are his junk food eating habits (worse in my opinion). After a number of years he finally cottoned on that we could live with each others differences and agree to differ!

I would have preferred a man to join me in a drink, but then he would not be DH who I love and, at the end of the day, that is who I wanted to be with, the compromise was worth it!

We are happy now and I am drinking a glass of wine right now! its not an issue any more! I don't notice his not drinking and he doesn't notice my drinking!