Can a relationship last with a drinker and a teetotaler?

[BackInTheGame]

Hi everyone, sorry if this sounds ridiculous - I'm not sure in my own head whether I'm being stupid or not.

For a bit of background: A lot of my socialising involves alcohol but I definitely don't drink too much - maybe one glass of wine with dinner with friends once during the week, and maybe 4-5 drinks max (glasses of wine or g+t's) over the weekend, always at social occasions with friends. I don't get stupidly drunk (and I am a happy drunk so often just a bubblier, sillier version of myself and get tired far less quickly at parties) but like the taste of alcohol and just really enjoy the feeling of being tipsy and think parties are much more fun if people have had a bit to drink as people loosen up. All of my friends drink a similar amount to me and I don't really know anyone who doesn't drink at all, apart from one religious colleague. My friends and I however do lots of other fun activities that are alcohol-free, such as going for walks or cycle-rides, trips to the cinema, cups going to each other's houses for a cup of tea and a cake etc. With my family we would always have a glass of wine with dinner (we only meet up maybe once a month).

On mine and DP's first three dates we did a fair bit of drinking (bar for first two dates and dinner with drinks for third date) and he seemed to drink a normal amount at social occasions for the first couple of months, by which point I was hooked and fell for him. After a while though, I noticed he never wanted a glass of wine if we went out for dinner and didn't like going out to a bar or pub on a date. He would also only have one or two drinks at parties we went to and then would switch to water. It bothered me a bit as it limited the dates we could do with no bars or pubs and I like to have a drink if I'm going out for a meal but didn't feel I could if he wasn't going to, as I felt a bit alcoholic drinking on my own! So I brought it up with him and he said he just wasn't a big drinker as he doesn't like the way it makes him feel the next day and he doesn't particularly enjoy drinking anyway.

Over time it has built up into a bit of an issue as I feel embarrassed when we go out with friends and he's sticking to water (not even coke or lemonade, he doesn't like them!) whilst everyone else is tucking into wine or beer. I think it makes him seem boring or tight or anti-social given that everyone knows he doesn't have any medical, religious or alcoholism-related reasons not to drink, and it has raised some light-hearted comments. It also makes rounds difficult as if someone does get him an alcoholic drink in the first round he will nurse that one drink for about an hour so is obviously very out of sync with the rest of the group. At parties he gets tired quickly and so often wants to leave fairly early, when I (and everyone else) am having lots of fun. It also makes me feel uncomfortable if it's just the two of us out as I don't want to be the only one drinking. It also makes me sad that this isn't something we can share, as although we get on brilliantly when sober, I think we could have a lot of fun if drunk together, but it doesn't really work if I'm a bit drunk and he's sober as we're in different head spaces. What really annoys me is that he will go out and have big nights out with his friends where he does drink a fair amount. However, this is not very frequently (maybe once every couple of months), he says he hates it but has to drink a bit or his friends wouldn't invite him out, and says he always switches back to water once his friends are too drunk to realise what he's drinking.

It all came to a head this weekend when I ordered a cocktail and he once again ordered a water. I told him it was really bothering me and he said that if he's honest he's quite keen to give up alcohol altogether as he doesn't particularly like the taste, thinks it's bad for your health and wants to feel fresh the next day. He doesn't see what the problem is as he says he's completely fine with me drinking and would never judge me for it, so why do I care? This might sound silly but I'm totally gutted. I hate drinking on my own (with him there I mean, I actually never drink when I am literally on my own) as it just feels weird and wrong and I don't like getting tipsy with someone who's sober as it makes me feel like an idiot. I just feel that we want totally different lifestyles. It's not like I'm asking him to go on massive binges every week or to drink every night - I would be happy to compromise and just have say one fun date a month that involved alcohol and for him to get tipsy with me on special occasions such as Christmas and birthdays. He says he won't completely give up alcohol yet but plans to in the future and for the meantime doesn't want to be held down to any rules about when he has to drink or to feel any pressure to drink. I do understand that and don't want to be pressuring him to do something he doesn't want to do but am honestly struggling to picture a future for me with a sober partner. If he had told me he was teetotal when we met I would never have gone out with him in the first place as I would have known our clash of lifestyles wouldn't have worked.However I now deeply love him, he is so great in so many other ways and I don't want to break up with someone because of alcohol!

Please tell me if I'm being ridiculous, and I would be especially grateful to hear from anyone who is in a relationship where one person drinks and the other doesn't and how it works in practice? Does anyone actually feel comfortable drinking at a bar or similar when their partner is not?

Thanks so much.

Did anybody tell the OP she couldn't end her relationship whenever she wanted to, for any reason? No, they didn't.

It sounds like your issue not his. Not drinking is really no big deal.

Watch your relationship with alcoholic as he sounds like a decent guy and alcohol in the long term is poison.

Three things occur to me here.

1. Have you checked your units? From what you describe you may easily be over the limit and although there are plenty of people who will tell you that the limits are simply made up, I don't believe that's entirely true. 14 units a week is a lot however you slice it. The average glass of wine or G&T as poured by friends (not pubs) may be a LOT of units. Wine is generally stronger than it used to be as well.

1. Pressuring someone to drink is just wrong, and that's what you're doing to him.

1. Consider whether you actually like being with him - if not, you don't have to be.

My DP doesn't drink and I do and it just isn't a big deal at all. Im fact, I drink far less alcohol than I used to (odd glass of wine after work to wind down for example) and am happy to be healthier.

It's so strange that you have such an issue with it. If you want him to change so much, perhaps you should find someone else?

I'm mid-20s btw and live in a lively city.

P.S. google CAGE questionnaire. Answer the questions honestly about your relationship with alcohol.

I'm a bit shocked by some of the comments. You don't sound alcoholic or anything like that You and your social life sounds very normal to me (also late 20s in London)

I have dated a couple of non drinkers and have found it to be slightly awkward although for me the awkward part was constantly being grilled/judged about my drinking, which was not excessive at all, by someone who had no understanding of alcohol as he's never really had a drink. Your guy sounds much more reasonable and isn't trying to be controlling.

I think if this is the only sticking point with him it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, but obviously it's up to you.

I've read your OP again and a couple of things did strike me this time: you mention that if someone buys him an alcoholic drink in the first round he will take it slowly and be 'out of sync' with the rounds. I can actually see why that might be a social problem in that it could make him appear tight rather than teetotal - he gets his drink bought by someone else and then doesn't put his hand in his pocket. Or does he buy a round of alcoholic drinks for everyone else and a water for himself? If it's the latter then it's no one else's business what he is consuming. If he is only going to have one drink all night and not buy a round then he needs to buy his own drink and stay out of the rounds.
The other thing is that you say he doesn't want to go to 'bars' and I wonder if this is more about music, dancing and group sociallising than alcohol. If you like to go to clubs and bars and dance till dawn and he would rather have a healthy country walk and be in bed by 9pm, or stay at home watching telly, then that's a major incompatibility.

Maybe instead of focusing on your partner, you should take a look at yourself and examine why it bothers you so much. Why do you feel that you can't enjoy a drink if the person you are with isn't drinking? And then take a look on how you can work to change that about yourself.

Your partner sounds fine, this problem is yours - and it's quite an odd one. Plenty of people feel comfortable drinking sociably even if others are not. You are bang out of order for trying to make him feel awkward for not wanting to do something that he doesn't want to. You are within your rights to leave the relationship if you feel this is a compatability issue (but I don't see why it should be one). This does sound very teenage.

I think it makes him seem boring or tight or anti-social ... and it has raised some light-hearted comments. This is why so many people, teens included, have issues with alcohol. They are perceived as being boring, and antisocial, so they drink to fit in & don't know their limits.

I used to do this with a particular "friend" years ago..now I just see how shallow she was for not accepting who I was, and how bloody desperate I was to cling to that friendship at any cost. It's sad that people go to the lengths I did to 'fit in' instead of being honest!

Why does it make him boring?
Or tight?
Or anti-social?

Perhaps he doesn't like the taste? Or it makes him sick, or he doesn't like the effect it has on him. Perhaps he just thinks it is way too expensive?

My dh drinks more than I do, I can go months without a drink & when I do drink, it is one (if I am driving) or 2 if we are at home. He has a better attitude & thankfully doesn't see me as boring, or tight, or antisocial.

It also makes me feel uncomfortable if it's just the two of us out as I don't want to be the only one drinking
It also makes me sad that this isn't something we can share, as although we get on brilliantly when sober
I think we could have a lot of fun if drunk together

Society the world over has issue with alcohol because of views like yours!

he says he hates it but has to drink a bit or his friends wouldn't invite him out, and says he always switches back to water once his friends are too drunk to realise what he's drinking. See, forced to drink in order to be included. It's is a fucking shit way of life when you are forced to do something you don't want in order to be accepted.

*I told him it was really bothering me and he said that if he's honest he's quite keen to give up alcohol altogether as he doesn't particularly like the taste, thinks it's bad for your health and wants to feel fresh the next day. There's your answer then, why can't you respect that?

I would be happy to compromise and just have say one fun date a month
but am honestly struggling to picture a future for me with a sober partner.
If he had told me he was teetotal when we met I would never have gone out with him in the first place

You equate being drunk to having fun! I suggest you look at why you need to drink in order to feel 'fun,' I think you have some issues surrounding alcohol tbh.

As I said, I barely drink & how it works in practice is that it works, because my dh isn't an arse, doesn't have an alcohol problem & doesn't think we need to be drunk to have fun!!

I'm quite hurt by the implication from a couple of posters that I must be boring if I don't drink. Don't worry about it, it says far more about them & their relationship with alcohol than it does you & yours. I'd far rather greet the morning fresh & not reaking of alcohol than with a head that doesn't function correctly before afternoon tea, just because society has a problem with drink.

I drink it because I like the taste, where as a lot of people I know drink because they want to get drunk, and in turn end up forgetting what they did...I would rather remember the times I go out with friends than spend time asking people what happened.

Age & children have nothing to do with it. We as a society have a problem with alcohol, because of ideas like yours that it is 'how we socialise'. It seems that very few people can socialise without a drink in their hand these days & to be fair, most drunk people are boring ones, because they either (ime) get lame & stupid or violent because they can't control themselves. You only have to look at any city centre on weekend night to have that proven to you!

Fuckmath read the bits in bold on my first post. This is what suggests to me that op has an issue with alcohol. She sees it as a crutch to socialising, "everyone drinks like that", she thinks anyone who doesn't is boring & tight. She says they would have more fun drunk, she wants to 'share' getting drunk with him.

Is being drunk the only way she can relate to people? because it is starting to sound like to me.

I am pretty sure if a man was posting this, you would see it as a control issue, because it is. He would probably be accused of trying to get her drunk to get her into bed! For some reason people are seen as inadequate if they don't get drunk/drink to a certain level. She admitted that his friends wouldn't invite him out if he didn't drink, so he has it from all angles.

The whole round in the pub thing is simple. Your friends stop buying him alcohol. It probably takes him so long to drink it because he doesn't actually fucking want it, but feels pressurised into having it by you & your social circle.

I just had some medicine in cordial, and it took me ages to drink it because it tastes appalling to me. That is no different to this guy & alcohol. It just doesn't taste nice to him! So it is hard to drink. But he is trying to fit in, so he drinks for you!

(posted too soon)

But he is trying to fit in, so he drinks for you! He is already trying to keep YOU happy, trying to fit in with YOU. Doing something eh doesn't like so YOU are happy with him, so YOU don't dump him.

Would you recommend a woman has sex/steals/takes drugs/drinks & drives whenever a partner wants her to, even if she doesn't, in order to please HIM, keep HIM happy & to ensure she doesn't get dumped?

No. Then why should this guy conform or compromise for you? You aren't actually showing him an attractive side of you, are you?

Very interesting to see that so many people think I should be ok with the situation, especially as any friends I have mentioned it to feel sorry for me that he's become like this!

So, you've asked a bunch of people who like to drink, whether they think it would suck to have a partner who doesn't drink, that's a bit of a biased group there. Have you thought about that at all from his point of view?

For example, he goes to his friends who don't like to drink and tells them he's found out his girlfriend likes to drink, A LOT, isn't it so sad that he has to put up with this now? How can he compromise with her not to drink every date and "have fun" once in a while, sober.

Do you see how that reads like you're an alcoholic? I don't think you are but I do think you have an unhealthy and immature relationship with alcohol in that you only think you can have fun while drunk. You said feel like an idiot if you're drunk around sober people instead of thinking that perhaps you're embarrassing and an idiot either way, you just want him to be too drunk to notice...

I find that everyone in our circles of friends socialise in the same way that I do but I can see that if you're older (we're late 20s), living in a small town or the country and looking after children things would be considerably different.

I stopped drinking while in University. It never impacted my ability to have fun, but, like your boyfriend, I did feel i had to lie on occasion in order for people to still invite me out. Once out they never noticed I wasn't drinking and we all had fun.

I didn't judge them for drinking but I'm constantly judged for NOT drinking... hardly fair is it?

So now, yes. I do judge people who can't see any other way to have fun except if they're drunk. I think you should ask yourself why you feel you need alcohol to loosen up. Why all your friends also have more fun while drunk. Do you think perhaps you have the wrong kind of friends? Do you think perhaps you could try going out with friends and having fun WITHOUT drinking?

Alcohol isn't evil, everything is okay in moderation... but when you're considering breaking up with an otherwise great guy simply because he doesn't drink poison when out with you... I do think you need to look at yourself and your life and decide what you want from it and whether you're on the right path to get there.

Sometimes friends will just tell us what we want to hear.

If they picked up on your discontent with a non-drinker, then how do you know they weren't just making all the right noise to please you?

I'm not a big drinker. DP is.

I still enjoy going out to the pub with our mates, having a dance, staying out etc. I don't think it makes a big difference at all.

Obviously when DP is shit faced (which does happen) it can be annoying but I think I'd find that annoying anyway.

op mn has a large number of the sanctimonious variety on drinking who don't really exist in rl. Anyone who talks about dining gets a few suggestions per thread that they are an alkie.

I understand where you are coming from, my dh hardly drinks at all. The only time he's ever been arsey about it is if I've got drunk (but then to be fair i hate being drunk anyway and it's about twice in the past 5 years).

I drink a couple (or 3) glasses of wine as often as I want, however.

drinking not dining but maybe that as well

OP you sound a bit immature and too concerned about people think.

He is not exactly a total teetotal, he drinks a one or two on a night out and is enough for him.

You're being ridiculous.

I have a friend who doesn't drink, we would always go out and she had a good time regardless. She just doesn't like the taste of alcohol. And yes we were living in London as well.

Stop pressuring him, whether he drinks or not shouldn't make a difference. You seem to place having a good time on you getting drunk together, so yes you're being silly.

To answer your first question, OP, yes a relationship can last with a drinker and a teetotaller.
The sticking point, based on what you've said, seems to be that you can't or don't want to accept him as teetotal.

Maybe it is your age / location / social circumstances, or maybe it's deeper than that. Maybe he'll change, maybe you will, maybe neither of you will.

So, consider the hypothetical question ..... Forget for a minute the very reasonable posts on here about society's attitude to alcohol etc.
What if he turned round today and said that actually he's got a medical reason for wanting to cut down and stop altogether? Or a very personal reason, such as not wanting to follow the path of an alcoholic relative? It shouldn't make a difference to you what his reasons are, free world and all that, free to choose to drink or not ....... But if he was "forced" not to drink, would you see the relationship still working?

I am not a drinker really. A couple of glasses of anything and I have to go to bed, more than that and I am ill.

DH1 found it a problem, we eventually broke up, he is now an alcoholic.

DH2 finds it hilarious. He carries on drinking and I carry on being sober. We love each other dearly and it is not a problem.

What I really hate is being forced to drink when I don't want to. It never actually happens, because even if I am bought an alcoholic drink, if I don't want it I won't drink it. Easy.

I think it makes him seem boring or tight or anti-social

Then get rid of him.

I think you sound a little like me when I met dh. He's not a drinker and me, my friends and family are. Not heavy, but regular, and certainly at that point in my life I would regularly get tipsy.

It also bothered me a little. I would be stupidly upset that he wouldn't order a bottle of wine on a date.

However, I quickly realised I was being silly. Although I liked to socialise actually, alcohol was still a relatively small part of my life. Whether dh drank at dinner was irrelevant. And as for pubs, over time I realised that loud noisy pubs were less fun anyway.

Big nights of drinking happen rarely now but I do that with other people.

If you have a good relationship, ending it over this would be silly. Try to accept you are just different

Ask yourself the CAGE questions

You seem to be really defensive about your drinking and see his NOT drinking as a criticism in itself - I agree with everybody that the problem lies within you, not him, from what you're writing.

I understand were you are coming from wrt your and your friends' levels of drinking, but you may well quite regularly be over the recommended 14U/wk for women. I know that it not a lot and is very easily drunk, but the evidence is there that it is harmful. And it is part of the reason why there are more women younger than 40 turning up in liver units. I am not saying that is the case for you, but 'socially acceptable' drinking may well be more than what's good for you. Maybe you have felt uncomfortable with your drinking and that is why your DP's non-drinking grates with you?

I've overindulged, I've been teetotal and I now drink v little but will happily get rather jolly on occasion (aka binge drinking ) - I don't really care what anybody else around me is doing, including DH.

I recently spent an entire rather boozy party having fancy cranberry with sparkling water, lemon slice, ice and fancy straw cocktails and had a whale of a time (I was the designated driver). The morning after I certainly felt a heck of lot better than DH….

Oh, and yes, by all means end your relationship if it does not make you happy for whatever reason. But I think this particular reason lies within you, not him.