Can a relationship last with a drinker and a teetotaler?

[BackInTheGame]

Hi everyone, sorry if this sounds ridiculous - I'm not sure in my own head whether I'm being stupid or not.

For a bit of background: A lot of my socialising involves alcohol but I definitely don't drink too much - maybe one glass of wine with dinner with friends once during the week, and maybe 4-5 drinks max (glasses of wine or g+t's) over the weekend, always at social occasions with friends. I don't get stupidly drunk (and I am a happy drunk so often just a bubblier, sillier version of myself and get tired far less quickly at parties) but like the taste of alcohol and just really enjoy the feeling of being tipsy and think parties are much more fun if people have had a bit to drink as people loosen up. All of my friends drink a similar amount to me and I don't really know anyone who doesn't drink at all, apart from one religious colleague. My friends and I however do lots of other fun activities that are alcohol-free, such as going for walks or cycle-rides, trips to the cinema, cups going to each other's houses for a cup of tea and a cake etc. With my family we would always have a glass of wine with dinner (we only meet up maybe once a month).

On mine and DP's first three dates we did a fair bit of drinking (bar for first two dates and dinner with drinks for third date) and he seemed to drink a normal amount at social occasions for the first couple of months, by which point I was hooked and fell for him. After a while though, I noticed he never wanted a glass of wine if we went out for dinner and didn't like going out to a bar or pub on a date. He would also only have one or two drinks at parties we went to and then would switch to water. It bothered me a bit as it limited the dates we could do with no bars or pubs and I like to have a drink if I'm going out for a meal but didn't feel I could if he wasn't going to, as I felt a bit alcoholic drinking on my own! So I brought it up with him and he said he just wasn't a big drinker as he doesn't like the way it makes him feel the next day and he doesn't particularly enjoy drinking anyway.

Over time it has built up into a bit of an issue as I feel embarrassed when we go out with friends and he's sticking to water (not even coke or lemonade, he doesn't like them!) whilst everyone else is tucking into wine or beer. I think it makes him seem boring or tight or anti-social given that everyone knows he doesn't have any medical, religious or alcoholism-related reasons not to drink, and it has raised some light-hearted comments. It also makes rounds difficult as if someone does get him an alcoholic drink in the first round he will nurse that one drink for about an hour so is obviously very out of sync with the rest of the group. At parties he gets tired quickly and so often wants to leave fairly early, when I (and everyone else) am having lots of fun. It also makes me feel uncomfortable if it's just the two of us out as I don't want to be the only one drinking. It also makes me sad that this isn't something we can share, as although we get on brilliantly when sober, I think we could have a lot of fun if drunk together, but it doesn't really work if I'm a bit drunk and he's sober as we're in different head spaces. What really annoys me is that he will go out and have big nights out with his friends where he does drink a fair amount. However, this is not very frequently (maybe once every couple of months), he says he hates it but has to drink a bit or his friends wouldn't invite him out, and says he always switches back to water once his friends are too drunk to realise what he's drinking.

It all came to a head this weekend when I ordered a cocktail and he once again ordered a water. I told him it was really bothering me and he said that if he's honest he's quite keen to give up alcohol altogether as he doesn't particularly like the taste, thinks it's bad for your health and wants to feel fresh the next day. He doesn't see what the problem is as he says he's completely fine with me drinking and would never judge me for it, so why do I care? This might sound silly but I'm totally gutted. I hate drinking on my own (with him there I mean, I actually never drink when I am literally on my own) as it just feels weird and wrong and I don't like getting tipsy with someone who's sober as it makes me feel like an idiot. I just feel that we want totally different lifestyles. It's not like I'm asking him to go on massive binges every week or to drink every night - I would be happy to compromise and just have say one fun date a month that involved alcohol and for him to get tipsy with me on special occasions such as Christmas and birthdays. He says he won't completely give up alcohol yet but plans to in the future and for the meantime doesn't want to be held down to any rules about when he has to drink or to feel any pressure to drink. I do understand that and don't want to be pressuring him to do something he doesn't want to do but am honestly struggling to picture a future for me with a sober partner. If he had told me he was teetotal when we met I would never have gone out with him in the first place as I would have known our clash of lifestyles wouldn't have worked.However I now deeply love him, he is so great in so many other ways and I don't want to break up with someone because of alcohol!

Please tell me if I'm being ridiculous, and I would be especially grateful to hear from anyone who is in a relationship where one person drinks and the other doesn't and how it works in practice? Does anyone actually feel comfortable drinking at a bar or similar when their partner is not?

Thanks so much.

He sounds great. If this is potentially a long term partner, children etc. then look upon this as a great thing. Trust me it is ten times worse the other way.

….for the meantime doesn't want to be held down to any rules about when he has to drink or to feel any pressure to drink.

I think that is entirely reasonable btw.

People pressurising others into drinking is one of my pet peeves. I haven't drunk much for the last 15 years, and have been on medication for the last 2 which makes it impossible. I am now off that medication but now just say I'm teetotal as it's easier than trying to stick to one. At a hen weekend last year I had an awful experience with another girl trying constantly to force me to drink as I was 'ruining her fun' and 'I must be pregnant and that's the only reason people wouldn't drink'

You sound silly, shallow, controlling and with poor self image coupled with an unhealthy relationship with drink.

It also sounds like you have some pretty juvenile schoolgirl type friends locked in a group dynamic that does not allow individuality and people thinking for themselves.

I don't think it is an age thing. Plenty of people like you in their forties, I sometimes wish they could see themselves with sober eyes....

I have lived in london since I was 21. Moved out of central London to west London in my thirties.

It is a life style not an age thing.
I hope your boyfriend sees the light and moves on.

It really can't be much fun hanging out with a group of party people if you are not into this
Lifestyle of drinking, passing judgement, and pressurising others to conform with the group mentality. It must be highly unpleasant for him, and boring.

I've not read the replies. But yes you are being ridiculous. You and your friends obviously drink a bit too much and I don't see why he should change his habits to make you and your friends feel better. You need to respect and accept how he wants to be.

I agree with the majority of posters, you are being ridiculous.

I dont drink because I dont like the taste and dont see the need to be drunk or tipsy to have a good time, I am not boring and couldnt care less if other people want to drink, my friends all drink when we are out, doesnt bother them or me if I dont.

DP drinks, he will often have a drink in the evening whilst I drink juice/hot chocolate/water, there is no issue for either of us.

im really not sure what your problem is.

That should be 'what your problem with him choosing not to drink is'

The recommended limit for you is 14 units per week. How much do you really drink each week (including nights out) because I think you are down playing it. If you were only having one or two glasses, him not drinking wouldn't be that noticeable. You getting properly pissed and him being sober (or just having one drink) would be very noticeable though.

Reading this again this morning, I think you are far too dependent on alcohol.

When I posted yesterday that I though you were the one with the problem, I meant in terms of attitude. Now I think in terms of alcohol dependency too

I'd say his drinking is normal responsible adult style drinking just like the majority of people I know. I'd describe your level of drinking as quite immature and unhealthy

I think some posters area little harsh, and non drinkers clearly feel they need to defend themselves as much as drinkers. As a fellow drinker with a dh who rarely drinks -he can't tolerate a lot and says he just goes from feeling sober tofeeling sick, so I get there's no fun element in it for him. And wrong though it is, non drinkers are thought of as bring tight, boring, afraid to loosen up etc etc mostly because drinkers are both suspicious of their reasons for not drinking and embarrassed as it only seems to highlight how much us drinkers enjoy alcohol (usually a bit too much but we'd rather bury or heads in the sand/have another one than adress it)

I think the not drinking excessively is a great future partner/father quality

I'm a drinker. Well I say I'm a drinker but four units a week

I have the opposite problem op, and I have been pondering the same question.

I hardly drink and my partner loves a drink. I hate that it turns a lovely, funny, intelligent man into a boring, annoying nob. I hate that it means that every special occasion, birthdays, Weddings etc, are celebrated by him turning into a nob. I hate the layer of anxiety it brings to any social occasion not knowing how drunk he'll get and how bad it will be for me.

But to be fair to him, he has never pressurised me to drink with him because he accepts that it's just not my thing.

yoni I think it is an issue if he is getting drunk and you dont like it. I think this is different to what the op is describing though. My dh would hate that also but we're ok because I never drink to excess.

and ffs she isn't an alcoholic less of the . The 14 units thing isn't even agreed by different scientists. There are loads of things that are bad for you - smoking, being obese, eating badly, drinking, not exercising. Few people lead perfectly healthy lives.

Yes 23 years here not an issue

You sound like my father. Last Christmas he was given some Amaretto, which he didn't like but he knew I like sweeter alcoholic drinks. So he put it next to my chair. Then he moved it a little closer. Then he made some comments like, 'it doesn't seem to be going down much' and 'should I get you a glass?' I ended up drinking a full bottle of Amaretto that I didn't like just to shut my father up.

This July he had a major stroke. I had to tell the staff that the little owd fella, eighty plus and nothing to him, was drinking two to three bottles of whisky a week and sunk half a bottle of brandy during one of the England games. The amount he drank meant that they had to be aware of potential health problems of withdrawal. He is unable to drink unthickened drinks at the moment so can't have alcohol, but he has insisted that he has a wardrobe with lots of bottles of booze in and keeps pressing it on the staff in the nursing home. He has insisted on giving presents of alcohol to everyone he can. He is trying to drink by proxy. Like you, he can't bear to see someone not drinking.

I desperately miss my father who used to live with us, but last week I tipped a bottle of flavoured vodka down the sink and it was liberating It tasted foul and I refused to force myself to drink it. Father couldn't cope with that idea, he would have drunk it or insisted someone else did.

OP - if you can't cope with the idea of someone else not drinking then you need to think hard about you and alcohol. I hope the above was a useful perspective.

OP, just as a thought experiment, what would you think if your OP had said that alot of your socialising involved smoking? You know, you and all your group of friends smoke regularly and when you met your DP he liked to smoke occasionally, but over time he wants to smoke less and less; says he doesn't like the taste, or the way it makes his clothes smell, or the way he feels the next morning, or the fact that it will damage his health in the longer term.

Lots of your smoker friends have noticed that he isn't smoking anymore and you are starting to feel a bit embarrassed by it.

Your DP doesn't mind you smoking and doesn't judge you for it, but you feel that you can't really be with someone who doesn't smoke as part of their socialising.

It's clearly not a perfect analogy. But can you see, as I've written it, why some posters think you are being strange, immature and controlling?

OP i am a recovering alcoholic. you seem to be protecting your drinking. this is not something that non-problem drinkers do.

'normal' drinkers don't give a toss who is drinking and who isn't. that's because alcohol isn't a thing they give much thought to. when i was drinking i wanted everyone else to do it too, as it made my drinking less obvious (and obviously getting drunk was very important to me).

just to reinforce that: non-problem drinkers have no issue whether others are drinking or not. have a think about that.

How REFRESHING to finally hear of a man that doesn't succumb to the pressures of drink! Enjoys just being himself without needing alcohol.

You've got a great guy there.

OP, I feel sorry for your DP being pressurised into drinking by you.

HE DOESNT WANT TO DRINK - maybe you need to ask yourself why you cant respect that and love him for the person he is? Why are you embarrassed by him choosing something that is a perfectly reasonable lifestyle choice? IMO the problem isn't him - its you

Yep definitely your problem.

I can't believe how long your post was, I was waiting for it to be about a drinker and a recovering alcoholic (which of course, could cause issues!)

But if he just chooses not to because he doesn't fancy it, but you can get as drunk as you like, I don't see the issue.

When me and my OH met we drank a lot. Didn't really have any ties or commitments, both has casual working hours, so spent a lot of time drunk or hungover lol.

Then we "settled" he gave up drinking for a while. He didn't really say he gave up, but he was more into getting a large coke than a double vodka. Never bothered me. Then other nights he'd be blind drunk and I'd be on J20.

Now I'm 9 months pregnant, haven't drank in 9 months obviously. He's been drunk about once a month or less (at home or with family, he doesn't go out now) and it never bothered me a bit. When I've had my little un it's likely I won't get drunk again. Like your partner, I just don't like the way it feels. I tend to like strong drinks once in a while, than weak drinks for the sake of drinking and getting drunk.

Oh... tobysmum, what an arse that post makes you sound. Sanctimonius posters non-existent in RL? How the hell would you know?

I've never cared what people around me drink, they don't care what I drink. I have sparkling water with ice and lemon, looks like a G&T or V&T, but nobody cares. They don't care because I don't sit there with a breathalyser, I'm chatting, having fun and up on the dancefloor with them.

I've long heard the argument from circles of friends in my younger days, "Oh, you're boring" they say as they lurch bleary eyed into other people, not even seeing that they've spilt somebody's drink or ripped their clothes. Not much fun being with the in the loos afterwards either, vomit everywhere. But hey, they DRINK, they are super-sparkling company... aren't they?

Reading this thread has been an eye-opener for me and I've come to the conclusion that the sanctimonious are the drinkers like the OP who can't get their heads around people wanting not to drink. That, right there, is a problem. People like OP have to be in a 'gang' of drinkers seemingly, need validation of the choices that nobody else cares about them making. It's bullying behaviour and it's utterly pathetic.

Stupid and idiotic behaviour. OP may not have a choice about keeping this 'great guy' because if he has any sense, he'll move on to somebody who will let him drink whatever he wants to without judging him for that drink being soft.