MIL/DIL relationships - I despair at the norm.

[MoRaw]

I’ve only recently starting becoming more engaged with Mumsnet. Over time, what one of the things that have often piqued by curiosity is the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship. Undoubtedly there are a lot of dysfunctional families out there and mothers who really should be kept at a distance. Consider that I am not talking about these types as they clearly cannot be the norm.

I am struck by what seems to be a norm – DIL feeling undermined by MIL and wanting DH to “go up against” his mother. Some of the things that lead people to feel undermined might be considered by many as minor and unimportant in the grand scheme of things. I appreciate what is minor/major to one person could be the opposite for another.

I am suspicious of any man who would treat his mother rudely or badly. I would never want to back my husband in a corner where he felt he had to choose between me and his mother (unless she was of those people who are dysfunctional or it was something major). I believe that if a man has a reasonably good relationship with his mother, getting him to take sides will cause him some distress and even though he may seem supportive on the outside, he might be struggling. Blood is thicker than water. Marriage is hard work as it is and throwing this sort of thing in the mix might be lead to problems brewing underneath the surface. The bond between mother and child can be incredibly strong. I think a man who battles with his mother for minor things because his wife expects him to/encourages him to do so is not a man I would trust (that’s me personally). I just feel that if a man can do this to his mother (a bond so strong), he can easily tread on the wife.

I know my parents care for me and for my husband. They would never willingly or maliciously seek to cause me harm. My husband mother is the same. I would not cause any tension between me and my parents on account of my husband’s expectations on how they should be or what they should be doing. I will not allow my husband to come between me and my parents and I would not come between my husband and his mother. If there is a problem that is really something worth sweating about, then I will speak to them otherwise, there are some things that as human beings we should live and let live.

Anyone else despairs at the negative MIL/DIL dynamics that appear to be the norm these days? Is this what our daughters and sons have to look forward to in the future?

"Why must I have given her special treatment?"

How about you just don't single her out when other people have made the same comments throughout the entire thread? You specifically gave her as an example of why MN is unpleasant which most definitely wasn't responding to her post.

"what if the son does not agree with the wife or really does not see a problem but the wife does?" It doesn't really matter whether he sees it as an issue or not (which is often where the problem lies). His wife does and therefore it needs to be addressed. So all the more reason he needs to facilitate a discussion, like you suggest.

So you disagreed once with Dawntigga, and started this thread to have a go at her?

You know, it's perfectly possible to disagree with a poster on one thread and be all, "you tell 'em, Sista!" with the same person on another thread on the same day?

TellsItLikeItIsSanityxxx

sunna it would be interesting to know if the ex-husband's other gfs took against the MIL or not. Or if your colleague took against her other bf's mothers in the same way. If she did, the common denominator would be her. If not, then maybe it really was the MIL. Or those particular women just didn't click.

I do think that within reason the old Biblical thing should be honoured: A man leaves his parents and cleaves to his wife. You have to become independent of your parents to become a full adult and then the primary woman in your life should be your wife.

But as with everything, it's a balance. Just because your primary relationship should be with yoru wife doesn't mean you simply dump your mum without a backward wave ... as long as the mum has the sense not to force a choice.

Scallop, I can only read a portion of the responses here. I singled her out because I read her post and her response did not sit well with me. I will single out which ever post or poster I like. I have called out a number of posters so I do not get this business about Dawntigga. I commented on what she said not who she is (either on MN or in RL).

The Talk guidelines will tell me something about Dawntigga? Look, if I have contravene some MN rule about Dawn then please report me to MN and let them banish me.

Sanityclause, say what? I disagree with Dawntigga and started this thread to have a go at her?

Look, something is very strange here and I want no part of it because I haven't got a clue what some of you are on about.

You ask why the fuss about Dawntigga. Unfortunately some of you do make Mumsnet a thoroughly unpleasant board (eg Dawntigga). does give a strong impression that you dislike her intensely. And mumsnet, actually.

The words "thoroughly unpleasant" next to her name are pretty unequivocal.

My own MIL is really lovely. Often it's me encouraging my husband to be more thoughtful towards her! He's not as nice to my mother as I would like either. I love him, but he's a little self centred sometimes. On the other hand, I always grew up where we had a lot of deference for the older generation. So she and I are probably surpassing one another's expectations!

Ah, I see Meerka. Ok now I understand what this is about. For a moment there I felt something rather strange was on the move. Thanks for explaining.

Let me clarify; I meant I felt her comment was unnecessarily harsh and I bunched it together with all the other comments of its type that I have come across on MNs (not necessarily aimed at me). I simply placed her comment in that genre.

I have never responded to Dawntigga's posts before (or at least not that I am aware of).

Perhaps you could explain your comment about Dawntigga, then?

Because it looks pretty much like a personal attack, which is against the Talk Guidelines, I think you'll find, if you bother to read them.

But if you want to try to explain to us how black is white justify your comment in some other way, we're all ears (or eyes, I suppose, as we'll be reading it, not hearing it).

I don't see what she posted that was harsh, but perhaps I've missed something. Could you explain?

Meerka, he's been married for 20+ years now and they seem very happy. He has a brother and a sister both of whom are married and have been for years. The MiL has always seemed a pleasant person, a bit shy. They do seem to be quite a close family but they all seem to be happy with that.

The ex moved away not long after the divorce, she got a job some distance away. I don't really know what happened to her, I didn't keep in touch. I hope she found someone to make her happy, she seemed perfectly fine apart from in that one area.

X posted, but I'm still at a loss to know why you singled out Dawntigga for what looks very like a personal attack.

My late MiL had a very close bond with my DP, his brother, not so much. She was incredibly possessive and bonkers. I think I found it particularly difficult as I had lived away from home since I was 18, and did not have the experience of my parents putting their two pennorth into every life decision I made. She did stuff like;

Sob for hours down the phone when we decided to buy a house, away from DP's hometown. We ended up pulling out, DP was made to feel so guilty.

My best friend from Uni moved to DP's hometown. She threw an absolute fit when we went to spend few hours with her during our weekend visit to the inlaws. It was fine for DP to go to the football though.

Absolutely refused to allow us to share a bedroom under her roof, even when we had lived together for years and owned a flat together. DP had his bed, I had to sleep on the living room floor. I wouldn't have minded, but the same rule was not applied to BiL.

On our visits to hers she would expect me to be in the kitchen washing up while she and DP had cosy chats in the lounge. Er no way am I skivying for you.

She criticised my cooking, my appearance, everything. And I was bloody restrained and nice. Total MiLzilla

I can no longer log in with MoRaw so I assume I have been banned.

My final word on this: I do not believe my post constitute a personal attack on Dawntigga. I was taken aback at her swearing at me with the FFS. I found this very offensive and unnecessary.

So goodbye to all.

That does sound odd Sunna. Maybe there was something going on behind the scenes?

I don't find it the norm in RL. I think it appears that way on MN because people post about problems.
You have to make the effort on both sides and be friends. It is never going to work if you haven't achieved that before children. It often seems that MIL wants to see the children and isn't interested in DIL- and DIL grudgingly thinks the children need grandparents but isn't interested in MIL.
It works well if both leave the children with DH and both have a good day out together.
As MIL you have to have let go- and accept that DS is an adult.
I am going to be a MIL soon but future DIL is a good friend and we are just gaining an extra member of the family- I am thrilled about it!
It helps enormously if your children have seen you getting on well with parents and PIL and don't have the nonsense of 'she is your mother you buy the birthday present' etc etc

I seem to have entered some kind of private twilight zone. What on earth is going on?

I don't know- some sort of row that I haven't a clue about!

MoRaw made a personal attack on a poster, repeated it, and refused to apologise. That's about it, I think.

My ex MIL was a nightmare and very pushy, my ex FIL was a violent drunk who hit her and my ex husband. I had to put my foot down where my dd was concerned as I wouldn't allow ex FIL in my house, so exh had to visit them without me. This was one of the many reasons he is an ex.

OP had sons and is shitting a brick about being the MIL in short.

And by her posts I'd say she's right to be worried.

I have a nice enough MIL, she struggles to let go a bit, but I tug hard enough back that it works out. I don't owe that woman anything and she doesn't owe me, if we both remember that it seems to work.

I have a lovely MIL, and I get on with her very well. We are very different people, but she's nice enough and loves her DGC, doesn't interfer and has dropped her 'popping in' habit (after finding I spent most of my mat leave going out to groups, she got sick of always turning up and finding me out, so realised she really would have to call first if she wanted to see the DGC, no big show down, not nastiness, lots of welcoming on the odd occasion she found me in and telling her I'd be happy to miss a group to see if if I knew she was going to come round )

On the other hand, my DB's DP has a nightmare mother in law (my mum). I really don't know how their relationship has lasted with my mum doing things like mucking up DB's DP's tax returns, throwing out important papers, killing the fish (she lets herself in and then cleans everything with bleach, including the 'messy' air filter for the fish tank, killing all the fish. They asked her not to do it, she cried. Then went round and did it again after they restocked - eventually there were very strong words).