MIL/DIL relationships - I despair at the norm.

[MoRaw]

I’ve only recently starting becoming more engaged with Mumsnet. Over time, what one of the things that have often piqued by curiosity is the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship. Undoubtedly there are a lot of dysfunctional families out there and mothers who really should be kept at a distance. Consider that I am not talking about these types as they clearly cannot be the norm.

I am struck by what seems to be a norm – DIL feeling undermined by MIL and wanting DH to “go up against” his mother. Some of the things that lead people to feel undermined might be considered by many as minor and unimportant in the grand scheme of things. I appreciate what is minor/major to one person could be the opposite for another.

I am suspicious of any man who would treat his mother rudely or badly. I would never want to back my husband in a corner where he felt he had to choose between me and his mother (unless she was of those people who are dysfunctional or it was something major). I believe that if a man has a reasonably good relationship with his mother, getting him to take sides will cause him some distress and even though he may seem supportive on the outside, he might be struggling. Blood is thicker than water. Marriage is hard work as it is and throwing this sort of thing in the mix might be lead to problems brewing underneath the surface. The bond between mother and child can be incredibly strong. I think a man who battles with his mother for minor things because his wife expects him to/encourages him to do so is not a man I would trust (that’s me personally). I just feel that if a man can do this to his mother (a bond so strong), he can easily tread on the wife.

I know my parents care for me and for my husband. They would never willingly or maliciously seek to cause me harm. My husband mother is the same. I would not cause any tension between me and my parents on account of my husband’s expectations on how they should be or what they should be doing. I will not allow my husband to come between me and my parents and I would not come between my husband and his mother. If there is a problem that is really something worth sweating about, then I will speak to them otherwise, there are some things that as human beings we should live and let live.

Anyone else despairs at the negative MIL/DIL dynamics that appear to be the norm these days? Is this what our daughters and sons have to look forward to in the future?

I think, OP, you have to bear in mind that most people posting about awful inlaw relationships are only doing that because their inlaws are awful. Same as people who post about their awful mothers or their awful partners. Their stories are not representative of ALL MIL/DIL relationships and you don't get to hear about the good ones because... well, what's to talk about?

Many people don't come from families where their own parents are visiting on a weekly or daily basis so of course it's going to be strange to start having to deal with that from in-laws and it works both ways, some men are pissed off about the over-attentiveness of their mother-in-laws too.

plus

you have childrn not so that you can be a constant presence in their lives, but so that they can develop into adults who have their own romantic relationships and their own children (If they want). I think any mother or father who wants to remain so attached to her children (Male or female offspring) and be a part of their daily lives and decisions is a bit odd

Are you the OP who was telling us how easy it is to be slim as well???

I may start a thread about How I Have Grey Eyes; Why Do People Struggle To Have Eyes Like Mine?

Do jog on...

I can see your point OP, but at the same time I see it from the other side.

I have a wonderful MIL, I love her and she could move in my house tomorrow if she wanted to.

My 'D'M on the other hand ranges between mildly bothersome to fecking nightmare, mostly directed at me but sometimes at my DH. I find myself sticking up for my family and my DH quiet a lot. We are united on this and he knows he can talk to me about any difficulties he has with her if he needs to. I would feel pretty disloyal if I didn't do this.

The difficulty is when someone is narcissistic or just has a horrible attitude appeasement rarely works. If you give an inch they take a mile. So you find yourself having to battle over things.

most people posting about awful inlaw relationships are only doing that because their inlaws are awful

yes except that there's a lot of "My MIL is awful because she calls my son 'her darling boy' and he's not hers, he's mine" and lots of people posting to say, yeah, how dare she adore her grandson, the bitch. It's all very sad.

Op, I do agree with you.

If there are so many awful MILs out there, surely there should be just as many DM's who are awful. After all, the MILs may also have a daughter as well as a son, and if they are so controlling and rude, then they would probably be the same with their own daughter. However, there are far fewer threads criticising DMs.

I do understand that I am lucky and have a wonderful MIL who I enjoy being with. But I have many friends who treat their MILs like the 'second grandmother' and don't let her have the same involvement in their DCs life.

there's a lot of "My MIL is awful because she calls my son 'her darling boy' and he's not hers, he's mine" and lots of people posting to say, yeah, how dare she adore her grandson, the bitch. It's all very sad.

This is what I have noticed too and it must stem from insecurity. He was, after her, her "darling boy" long before he ever met his DW and it's unreasonable to expect a woman to stop caring for her son just because he got married. Equally, why shouldn't she adore her grandchildren and want to spend time with them?

That doesn't mean there aren't MILs from hell out there, but there are DILs from hell too.

Where are all these threads, with DIL behaving abominably and being backed up by other posters?

IME if someone is behaving in a ridiculous or unreasonable way they will be called on it.

Also, why is this all about DIL being awful? Don't DH/DPs have anything to do with it?

I actually think DILs on MN who dare to admit, shock horror, they don't find it their responsibility to meet the needs of an overbearing or needy MIL, get an absolute roasting!

My mil has official grandchildren. What the others are is yet to be defined. Mine are the official and its fucking embarrassing.

When somebody comes out with shit like that you try taking them seriously!

I think it boils down to this expectation that women (wives/mothers/partners in this instance) will take on 'relationship management' with their husbands/partners family, like men are somehow excepted any responsibility for this side of things once they have a wife/partner to take on this (thankless and tedious) gatekeeper role.

Hmmm, that sounded a lot better in my head than it does typed out!

I agree flippinada. Often when you look at the problems with relationships with DIL and MIL there is an H who sides with his mother against his wife or doesn't do anything with regards setting boundaries or expectations of his parents.

Exactly. It always falls to women to thrash out boundaries and expectations. This I would say is assumed 'norm' between DIL/MIL. Women who want it leave it to their oh definitely get a hard time on MN.

Sixtoesleft you've got the wrong person, my friend. I haven't got a clue what you are talking about with this slim business that seem to have gotten up your nose. Very strange.

Question; is it the case that all these MIL grievances have merit? Some of the things that appear to lead to battle lines being drawn could be described as minor. Like I said before, one person's minor is another one's major. Yet I cannot help feel that some of these issues could be solved with good frank and open communication rather than demonizing theIL.

Yes scallops - that's what I meant. You put it better than me.

I am not part of the Dawntigga brigade. I don't frequent Mumsnet that much to start having favourites and cliques, etc. I have no idea who Dawntigga is in real life. She made a point I disagreed with and I gave her my response. I would do the same again. That's the long and short of it.

MoRaw im sure you are right in some cases, that good frank and open communication could help.

I do have to ask ... have you ever dealt at very close quarters with someone who will twist everything you say subtly to use it against you? Over and over, so that over time the people around begin to doubt you or even worse, you begin to doubt yourself? Good frank and open communication doesn't work then. Nothing works except laying down boundaries and keeping detached, never giving personal information.

We do only get one side of the picture on MN or any forum. But in the end, all we can go on is what's said and on the small details that make it unequivocally clear that something is wrong. A good example is case of the DIL who had given birth and was asleep. Her husband had given MIL a key. She came into the house and took the very young baby out of the house without telling anyone. That DIL woke up to her baby being gone. It wasn't the only incident either.

When you say that some incidents appear to be minor, you could be right. But when it is incident after incident after incident, the apparently minor incident has much more weight than first appears.

A colleague of mine who had always seemed quite normal in other relationships totally took against her mother in law. She could never really say exactly why but a lot of her complaints were imagined. "She thinks ....". You'd ask if MiL had said anything and she'd say she hadn't but she "knew" she'd thought it.

She wanted her DH to go no contact but he said his DM hadn't done anything so why should he? It was very strange altogether.

Eventually she said he had to choose and he told her he only had one mother and could get another wife easily enough - and left her. Thank goodness they didn't have any children.

"Yet I cannot help feel that some of these issues could be solved with good frank and open communication rather than demonizing theIL." Perhaps. And that conversation should be led by the son. In fact more often than not it is the son who needs to be the one having the frank and open discussion with his parents.

Even in the example Meerka above had given the husband is stepping over his wife's boundaries by giving a key to his mother.

These posts about Dawntigga have a nasty undertone to them. Why is she being singled out?

Who is Dawntigga? Why must I have given her special treatment? One of her post pricked me, I responded and a number of people have been mentioning Dawntigga to me. I do not take note of who is who on MN. So have no idea why I should take particular care over Dawntigga. Really this is bizarre. I do not know who Dawntigga is and if I come across her comments again, I will focus on the comments and respond accordingly. I really am not interested in anything beyond that. But hey Flipp if you think there is more to it than that, then there is really nothing more I care to say to convince you otherwise. I cannot take your joy and make my sorrow.

... but Scallop, what if the son does not agree with the wife or really does not see a problem but the wife does?

Sunna, I imagine there are more DIL like that out there. Also, can DIL always be in the right?

I do take the point made by the poster who said that we only have their side and can in most cases only give the benefit of the doubt.

No idea what you mean by the joy and sorrow comment.

If you genuinely don't understand why people are pulling you up on your comments about Dawn , have a read of the talk guidelines, if you haven't already.