MIL/DIL relationships - I despair at the norm.

[MoRaw]

I’ve only recently starting becoming more engaged with Mumsnet. Over time, what one of the things that have often piqued by curiosity is the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship. Undoubtedly there are a lot of dysfunctional families out there and mothers who really should be kept at a distance. Consider that I am not talking about these types as they clearly cannot be the norm.

I am struck by what seems to be a norm – DIL feeling undermined by MIL and wanting DH to “go up against” his mother. Some of the things that lead people to feel undermined might be considered by many as minor and unimportant in the grand scheme of things. I appreciate what is minor/major to one person could be the opposite for another.

I am suspicious of any man who would treat his mother rudely or badly. I would never want to back my husband in a corner where he felt he had to choose between me and his mother (unless she was of those people who are dysfunctional or it was something major). I believe that if a man has a reasonably good relationship with his mother, getting him to take sides will cause him some distress and even though he may seem supportive on the outside, he might be struggling. Blood is thicker than water. Marriage is hard work as it is and throwing this sort of thing in the mix might be lead to problems brewing underneath the surface. The bond between mother and child can be incredibly strong. I think a man who battles with his mother for minor things because his wife expects him to/encourages him to do so is not a man I would trust (that’s me personally). I just feel that if a man can do this to his mother (a bond so strong), he can easily tread on the wife.

I know my parents care for me and for my husband. They would never willingly or maliciously seek to cause me harm. My husband mother is the same. I would not cause any tension between me and my parents on account of my husband’s expectations on how they should be or what they should be doing. I will not allow my husband to come between me and my parents and I would not come between my husband and his mother. If there is a problem that is really something worth sweating about, then I will speak to them otherwise, there are some things that as human beings we should live and let live.

Anyone else despairs at the negative MIL/DIL dynamics that appear to be the norm these days? Is this what our daughters and sons have to look forward to in the future?

My MIL was a PITA. I took MN advice and these days the relationship is much better.

Was I meant to simply tolerate her? As for us having three boys, I'm not the slightest bit concerned about being a MIL as I have no intention of being a controlling cow.

And by the way, I do get on with my MIL. We are going over to her house on Xmas day and we will have a lovely day. But inorder to have that good relationship we've had to work hard, bit our lips and sometimes tell her her behaviour is unacceptable. We've also had to tell our dc, from a young age that grandma has some silly racist, homophobic ideas about other people.

Yy to Ragworts post.
Some parents are massively over invested in their children's lives, and seem to have a very hard time taking a step back. Likewise, some adult DC cannot take that step toward independence themselves.

MIL is a lovely woman, and we get on very well. She regards me as one of her own, and treats me as such, which is lovely but not without it's issues. She has always fussed over her DC, generally interfered and taken charge their whole lives. Not in a malicious way, just that she's always done it, and genuinely believes that's what wives and mothers do. She never had her DC doing any household chores when they lived at home, and even if she is babysitting she can't help but do the ironing/cleaning etc.

I find this difficult as my own DM brought us up to be independent adults. I don't take every little problem to her, I get on and sort things for myself. MIL doesn't get this, and has often tried to insist on doing things for me, or even coming with me to the dr for myself or the DC!

I have 2 sons and I will do my damnedest to raise them as independent, functional adults. I want to be a part if their lives wen they are grown, but I dont want to run it for them. This is often the issue with MIL/DIL relationships. I've managed to have a good relationship with her, because I've tried to keep my frustration to a minimum, and been firm but kind when the interference gets too much. I involve her in our lives, and invite her to anything to do with the DC. We are now at a point where he treats me more as an adult than her DC, and she does confide in me and feels she can discuss anything with me. This has taken some work but worth the effort. Of course there will be times she gets on my wick, but I can say the same for everyone there!

Longtalljosie relax. No need to take offense and make this about you in particular. Really, relax. No sweat.

MoRaw, hang on you were"in despair" over this in your OP!

Yes to both Ragwort's and ipswich's posts.

Gosh that's awfully passive aggressive! It was meant to make a wider point...

"Longtalljosie smile relax. No need to take offense and make this about you in particular. Really, relax. No sweat."

You have been offered explanations for what you have read by lots of people and that is your first response? Really?

I think you're being over dramatic. There are tens of thousands of people on this site- many at a certain stage of their life where they are finding their feet with family. You're seeing a tiny proportion of people having problems, that's not that difficult to realise, surely?

My PIL are bullies also and were determined to treat any partner of their sons badly. They're extremely immature and pathetic and after a few blow outs we've learnt to rub along. I still can't stand them. I only know 1 other person IRL who has big problems with her in laws and they are similar - emotionally blackmailed her fiancée into calling off their wedding. That's not normal
Behaviour

I'd find it more informative if you responded to the many, many well-explained examples of difficult IL relationships, MoRaw.

Rather seeking out a short post which didn't give chapter and verse, and getting personal on that poster.

It almost looks like you're avoiding the questions.

Funnyossity, yes "in despair". It was said "tongue in cheek" as one would say. I am not literally in despair or losing sleep over it.

I may be pilloried here for saying this but some of you do make Mumsnet a thoroughly unpleasant board (eg Dawntigga).

It's a thread expressing a view on something and asking a simple question. From whence comes all this rage and bitterness.

Anyway, I agree. It is those who are having bad experiences who will post and seek advice. However, what do you make of the responses? They are typically encouraging even more conflict (at least from what I can see).

Agree with the OP although I don't actually have a MIL so probably shouldn't comment. But I will be a MIL one day I assume. And I won't be any different to how I am now. I will be as flawed as I am now. And I will feel the same about my children as I do now.

I sometimes think we need to spend more time thinking about what it will be like to let our children go - how hard it will be. We have dedicated our lives to these little beings and will then have to stand back and let someone else be number one in their lives. That's going to be really difficult. I hope I'll be able to do it gracefully but I might get it wrong. Hopefully my DIL and SIL will see me as a loving woman trying to forge a new role in a family.

Obviously there are some absolutely crazy MILs but that's because there are some absolutely crazy people generally.

Op you're the one who has randomly picked on a poster. People here have explained very clearly why they think you are reading the things you are. Others have said they agree with you. No one seems to be spoiling for a fight but you.

Well that's what I assumed Mo so I made no comment initially, just thought it was a bit ironic you were telling Josie to relax!

I think it's true in general that people (bullies?) both male and female used to get away with a lot more petty tyranny in their family life. If Mumsnet gives others a little courage to stand up for themselves I don't feel too discouraged by that!

By the same token you could think all romantic relationships were full of abusers and wankers because that is what makes it onto the boards!!

People post because their relationships with their MILS are causing them grief.

My first MIL was luffly. Granted, she never came to us and we always had to go to her, but she was welcoming and kind. I always ensured I did things "her way" as I was in her home.

Second MIL was a manipulative witch, couldn't accept her "little soldier" had married and did all manner of nasty things. I spent less and less time with her and refused to be bullied by her.

I would never treat DS girlfriends the way some MILS seem to treat their sons girlfriends/wives. I am always interested and pleasant but don't interfere. Quite often it seems to be the MIL that sees it as a competition. Some of the threads that are about at the moment are really shocking with MILS beng really abusive.

I do think that people should have a good look at the family dynamics before they get serious/marry. We all have different dynamics and norms. I wouldn't marry someone who had a horribly overinvolved (in my view) family as I know it would drive me batty.

When I lived in the US a Jewish friend introduced me to her parents friend who was a "matchmaker" and she told me, "The best advice is to marry an orphan!"

Pointsettia, then tone of that short post was very different to the others and I completely take on board what the majority of the other posters have said.

I barely ever start posts on MN and if I was spoiling for a fight, my husband is home today I am sure I could find something .

Pausingflatly, not sure what you expect me to give an answer to. I acknowledged in my OP that there are MIL/DIL relationships that are justifiably strained.

I typed a heartfelt reply to the OP, then deleted it as it was too upsetting for me to keep.

OP, who are you to question posters who ask for advice when they are experiencing very difficult family situations? Actually, how dare you?

And picking on individual posters as you have done is just low. And totally unjustified to boot.

You obviously hold MN in some degree of contempt. Which begs the question, why on earth are you here? Haven't you got anything better to do, which you'd enjoy more?

I may be pilloried here for saying this but some of you do make Mumsnet a thoroughly unpleasant board

Do you not think posting this thread makes a particularly unpleasant point, demeaning those with real issues with their inlaws?

... but what about the responses that (at least to me) spur people on to more conflict. I also think the same thing of the relationship threads. I may be overly influenced by some posters but it appears that communication is hardly encouraged and instead more fighting is advised.

The only benefit of having a bad in-law situation is you can recognise some pitfalls. You are maybe wise to check out the other side of things if you have had good in-law relationships.

Accepting that grown up children need to be treated as grown ups not children is at the nub of it ime. And paradoxically in my own experience not being a childlike parent who is emotionally needy towards their children. Let them go!

Funkybold, did I demean people who have real issues with their in-laws? Really? Is this how you choose to feel? Are you certain this is my intention ? Well perhaps MN should delete this thread.

Is it fighting that is encouraged or setting of boundaries where previously there have been none? (Formerly known as standing up to someone!)

You are coming across as a bit of a fighter yourself OP!

Maybe I am a fighter but I felt it was helpful for me to explain my point of view further. Happy to shut up especially as I have suddenly realised I have spent a few hours here.

Cakeup, I do not think my post is questioning those who ask for advice when they are experiencing genuine family difficulties. Sorry to hear that is how it came across to you.

If people here mostly post about problems and get advice from people who have had similar problems then extrapolating that out to be the norm makes no sense.
Posts on problems tell you nothing about the norm.

Are you offering your own advice on these threads?