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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this cheating ?

127 replies

Lilacflower · 20/12/2014 20:42

Man and woman cuddling, holding hands, general touching and kissing on the cheek. They are both married.

OP posts:
Foolishlady · 20/12/2014 23:45

You crossed a line. Close to cheating. But it's what you did next that's important. If my dh did this I wouldn't want to know - as long as he realised how close to the edge he had got. After 10 years - if you're an attractive person - you're going to get tempted. It's what you do next that's important. Think of your children!

Chelseaharbour · 21/12/2014 00:00

A week ago I posted a similar thread to yours. Felt confused about my feelings between DH and work colleague.

So glad I listened to MN feedback on here, my crush is a total creep! Ignored me and was play flirting with my colleague again. Smh...

Although I feel stupid being swayed, I've made active step to be close/ reconnect to DH. By Friday, my crush is almost gone. Demonstrated by the fact that at post work drinks on Friday night, my crush tried to charm me and flirt but I felt indifferent. He seemed to have forgotten his flirty banter with colleague in week and being funny with me!

These situations are sent to test you but just hang in there with DH.

Hope all works out right.

Mom2K · 21/12/2014 03:59

Well if you want to know if it's cheating - the best thing to ask yourself is how would you feel if you walked in on your DH in that exact same situation.

If you'd be devastated and have a difficult time getting over it, then there's your answer.

But yes - I do think it's cheating.

Original poster
Lilacflower · 21/12/2014 06:43

Thanks Chelsea, that's what I'm hoping will happen to me. Feel a bit better this morning.

in answer to a previous question I don't know if I'd have kissed him if we'd been alone. Maybe not as I'd started to feel guilty but on the other hand I was getting carried away and also turned on by it Envy

OP posts:
Mappcat · 21/12/2014 10:32

Crickey, after looking at all of the posts, I am very pleased that you are in such perfect relationships that you have never had a crush or done or said anything inappropriate with another person! We are human, and it is a big ask not to be attracted to anyone else at all, even if we are in a relationship with another person, whether during the honeymoon period or in a seasoned relationship.

It says a lot about women and what some consider to be cheating. I know lots of blokes (both friends and work colleagues) who would certainly never consider that the scenario that the OP mentioned was cheating, especially at a works drinks party when the booze is flowing.

For the record, and I am sure most won't agree with this, but if my OH snogged someone else, I would be hurt and annoyed (IF I ever found out) but I would be pleased that he knew that he was still attractive even though he is approaching 50 and has been married forever! Actions are far less important that feelings. I would much prefer him to have a drunken one-off fumble with another woman than have very deep feelings for someone else. I wouldn't want to know about a stupid indiscretion but would certainly want to know if he was falling in love with someone else.

Fairenuff · 21/12/2014 10:42

I think that, whilst you are not alone in thinking that Mapp, you are certainly in the minority. Most people, men as well as women, would consider it cheating.

Look at it this way, if it's not cheating why hide it from their partner? Why not actually do it in front of their partner?

They do know it's wrong. They do know that their partner would be hurt to witness that.

And yes, I certainly have both been tempted and had opportunity. But I turn it down, walk away and do not act at all on those fleeting, initial impulses because my relationship is worth more to me than that.

We are always going to be attracted to other people, that's human. It's what we do about it that counts.

Mappcat · 21/12/2014 10:53

Perhaps I am in the minority, but I am very comfortable with that. I think I have a very rational approach and appreciate the frailty of human nature. We are not perfect, we all hurt, and get hurt by others, and not just in relationships with partners. I hope the OP can work out a way to deal with her colleague, and do what she thinks is the right thing for her and her partner.

Original poster
Lilacflower · 21/12/2014 10:59

Fairenuff I used to think like you, even when I was first attracted to OM I minimised it, didn't talk to him about persinal things or very much really, thinking I was protecting my marriage and doing the right thing. Now I think Mapp has a more realistic outlook. No one's perfect.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 21/12/2014 11:04

Lilac you just don't want to hear that what you did was wrong. It was your choice. You knew it was wrong. It's not a mistake. You are in charge of your body, you move your own arms and legs and lips. You did it because you wanted to and at the time your dh meant nothing to you. Now you regret it. Learn from this. Stop acting like that if you want to be with your dh. You are not single. If you want to act like that, be single first.

Mappcat · 21/12/2014 11:10

Lilac, I think you need to make up your own mind about this one. Clearly the majority on this post think you have cheated -- I don't think posting any more on here is going to give you the answers you need to figure out for yourself. Good luck!

Fairenuff · 21/12/2014 11:11

If she hasn't cheated Mapp why doesn't she tell her dh?

Original poster
Lilacflower · 21/12/2014 11:17

Thanks Mapp. Need to have a think about all of this.

OP posts:
miffybun73 · 21/12/2014 11:19

YES.

chipshop · 21/12/2014 11:30

I don't think it's cheating but it was stupid and you need to give yourself a good talking to. This is the way many office affairs start and they never end well do they...

Mappcat · 21/12/2014 11:31

Fairenuff, because it would hurt his feelings! Just because she has done this, doesn't mean she has to make it worse by telling him! Not a long mental journey now is it? Bowing out -- I don't think I can add more to this or cope with the very elevated judgements that folks are making. Upsetting that everyone else is utterly perfect and I am clearly lacking in moral fibre in every way.

ShipwreckedAndMerrilyComatose · 21/12/2014 11:36

Because she crossed a line and he would react badly to that.

None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. But it's how we react to those mistakes that determines the type of people we are.

bitofanoddone · 21/12/2014 11:37

Nope. Not adultery. Mapps I agree with you and lilac, I know scores of people who have had similar happen over the decades.

Dust yourself off and recognise that it wasn't your finest hour as the next few steps could start something that would risk your marriage.

JuanDirection · 21/12/2014 11:40

A lot of people will have done worse at xmas dos - you were drunk OP, it affects your judgment and behaviour, and you still chose to not go any further when you actually thought about it. Don't overthink it now, it's happened, you can't change it, just forget it and move on. I personally would not tell dh - we have friends where the dh has several times cheated and then admitted and said sorry, it just causes a lot of hurt to the dw and it just seems to be for him to ease his conscience and pass the burden of feeling bad onto her, and then he goes on his merry way with forgiveness! Gross. If you definitely wouldn't do it again (and it sounds like you won't, and you are sorry) then don't burden your dh with this. And don't get drunk around this guy again!

bitofanoddone · 21/12/2014 11:40

'Never end well' and karma etc is also a load of bollocks. I know a few affairs that have never been found out, and others that were but no-one left anyone. But then that's real life.

Mappcat · 21/12/2014 11:41

Shipwrecked and Bitofanoddone, you have restored my faith! Still going off to peel some spuds though. Have a good day everyone and no flirting with the milkman this week, you bunch of cheating harlots!

bitofanoddone · 21/12/2014 11:41

Juan I also agree on the passing on of guilt aspect.

wickedlazy · 21/12/2014 11:47

Another one here who would consider it cheating if I found out DP was doing it. I would be devastated, and vice versa. You feel guilty because you know you overstepped a boundary from flirting into something more. Big difference imo between a hug and cuddling, never mind holding hands and cheek kissing/other touching.

Tobyjugg · 21/12/2014 11:51

Mapp I agree with you. A drunken snog at a party is one thing. Developing real feelings for another person is a whole different matter and much more serious. I don't consider this cheating PROVIDED it was a one off and it's not taken further. I wouldn't tell DH either.

Original poster
Lilacflower · 21/12/2014 14:07

It won't be taken further or happen again. I'll have other plans whenever there's a team night out for the next few months.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 21/12/2014 15:41

I'm not saying she should tell him Mapp, I'm saying that the fact that she is going to keep this secret from him shows that she knows she cheated. And she knows that it was a choice that she made even though she knew he would be hurt.

I know that's fine for you and some others. Your partners know that they can kiss others and you won't mind and, likewise, presumably you would be happy for them to snog someone else at an office party, for example.

But in OP's case, they have no such understanding. She knows her dh would be upset and that makes it cheating. Not a mistake. A choice to mess around with someone else because it feels good. Hopefully, with time for reflection, OP won't choose to do it again.