Controlling/abusive behaviour

[chemistc]

Hi,

Just wanted to get some objective opinions on my relationship with my husband. A bit of background - we have been together 10 years, married for four. He is a very strong character and often talks about himself as 'the name', he is non-compromising and is very self-assured, confident.

We had a LDR and despite us only dating for 6 months he had the phone numbers of my close work colleagues/friends. I was teaching so always had my phone on silent. If I didn't reply to a text or answer a call he would call my friends to see if I was with them and check I was ok.

I wont catalog every incident as I fear it would become war and peace, only the incidents that have really made me doubt things.

The second major concern was during an argument we had where I swore at him and he grabbed me by the throat and told me to never swear at him again. This is the only time he has been physically abusive.

Then there is not letting me socialise with friends on my own. There was this one awful occasion where I had a reunion with 5 gf's from Uni and he came along. I felt so humiliated like I was a child not allowed out on my own. Not being willing to see my family as they live too far away and he gets too tired with all the travelling.

During my PhD if I needed to work late in the lab or at the weekend, he would come with me, this made me feel like shit because I felt so guilty about having to work on my PhD outside of his 9-5pm hrs.

The latest big thing was him not allowing me to take a job I really wanted as he was not willing to relocate despite not having a job himself.

There is a whole more examples I could write here, including me trying to commit suicide knowing that there is no way out, being in counselling, going to RELATE and being in contact with LWA.

I don't know what I am asking for..... this recent thing has perhaps opened my eyes to how selfish he is.

Is he sulking and giving you the silent treatment?

Why don't you just go to your mum's? Go now while you're off work and can give a bit of time to sorting out a new place to live etc. Why put up withy it any longer now you've made your decision?

Remember, it's not you it's him. You will feel better as soon as you get away from him. You really will.

Why are you paying the price OP? Are you ok?

This is one of the most frightening things I have read on mumsnet. I hope you get away from this man very soon (and as safely as possible) will be thinking of you op, take care.

Did you manage to get to your Mum's chemist ?

Sorry paying the price means having to bow down to him, pander after him, tell him how wrong and bad I am for wanting to see my friend. I had an email from my mum today saying that she thinks I should think seriously about leaving my husband.

I think part of me feels like a huge failure, like I am the most horrible person to have walked the face of the earth. Part of me feels so bad for my husband as I know he will be very upset. Part of me feels like he will never meet someone who will put up with this and that he will be alone and that makes me sad.

Oh this is not that frightening, he has told me repeatedly that if he could have me chipped (electronically chipped like a dog) he would and that if I ever leave him he will spend the rest of my life making mine hell.

Please, please go to your mum's chemist. You are not a failure. I know it feels like it, and that's what stops you being honest with people, but believe me, once you start telling people that care about you, you will get the most brilliant support.

Your mum sounds great. She doesn't think you are a failure. But she sure as hell wants you to get away from this awful man. She just wants you to be ok - you've got lots going for you. If anyone is a failure it is him. He is the one being a controlling, abusive tosser - there are no excuses for him, don't try to find any.

Go to your mum's and then you can start putting your life back together piece by piece. He may kick up merry hell, but you really do not have to live with this man. Keep yourself safe. Take care of yourself. Don't worry about whether he'll find anyone else to put up with him. That is not your concern. He is abusive in the extreme and you need to get out.

The fog will start to clear once you get away from him. Honest.

Good luck chemist you can do it.

Thank you PoppyField for replying. I think deep down I know that he doesnt love me or care for me. He promises every time that he will change and that he loves me so much.

If I left he would get mad he would go to hid parents, cry and beg and cry until I agreed to take him back.

I would say more but I fear it would expose me. x

Oh, chemist, please leave him. If he ends up lonely that is his own doing as everything you have described is nothing short of evil.

Your mum has told you that you should consider leaving him. Your mum knows you better than anyone. She loves you and would only say that if she feared for your wellbeing.

Don't be hard on yourself. The only reason why you see yourself as a horrible person is because he has trained you to think like that. He has trained you to feel like you can't leave him. That makes him an absolute arsehole who doesn't deserve you.

All of the reasons you have given for staying with him mention his feelings instead of yours. Trust me, you cannot change him. Leave him, live your life, not his. You clearly have a good heart. Now is the time to focus that goodness on yourself, and your family and friends who, I can assure you, are missing the person you were before your husband came on the scene.

Please, please, PLEASE leave him.

I should add that I have a friend who recently dumped her husband. A group of us friends didn't trust him (a girly meet up always involved him ), but as she had a habit of running away from friends during bad times, nothing was said by us. We regret that.

She has since found the strength to dump him (he really was a controlling arse and a liar and untrustworthy) and I can tell you this: The sparkle she had lost has returned since they split .

It's in you. If this friend can do it, so can you.

Thank you acatcalledjohn my heart breaks at the very thought of hurting my husband despite knowing that he is not good for me/ hurting me/ controlling me. That is reason why I tried to kill myself. Hurting someone that much? I dont know if I can do it. I would rather be dead than hurt someone.

But that doesnt make any sense, logically, does it Chemistic. Because if you killed yourself you would be hurting him far far more than if you left him.

It makes sense to me because I would not have to deal with his hurt, selfish yes I know.

The last time I tried to kill myself they had to call the police as I refused to go in the ambulance. I told them that my husband was abusing me, but they put it down to the amount of alcohol and headache/hayfever/ant-acid tablets I had taken.

Oh Sweetheart, you sound so low.

I do hope that you come to understand, very very soon, that you can't fix him, and deserve more from life.

Please make sure that he can't see your posts on here.

Get out and let your mum help you.........PLEASE

Xx

chemistc - I am so glad you came back. Please please, you aren't responsible for how he lives your life - however, you are responsible for how you live your life. He has brainwashed you.

Hang on to this - your Mother understands. If you were my daughter I would want you away from that man and wrapped in my arms so I could protect you from him. Hang on to the fact you have someone on the outside who is on your side and wants to help.

He is hurting you all the time, and you are so so worried about hurting him, after all he does to you. Why is he so wonderful that he should never encounter hurt in his life? Everyone gets hurt at some point in their lives (and believe me Chemist, he will probably get over this far quicker than you will as he will probably move on to someone else and repeat his vile behaviour of controlling).

He is going out of his way to control, dominate and brainwash you and now is the time to break out and live your life for yourself. We come into this world on our own and we go out on our own, and in between that we are responsible for how we live our own life. He is responsible for how he lives his, no one can make him happy like he wants because he will forever be moving the goalposts, so just get out now. Can you imagine this sort of life stretching out in front of you for the next 30 years? You say 'he will be upset'. What about you? What makes him better than you that he can have what he wants in his life, but you can't?
I wish you strength.

Just wanting to keep this message active.

You owe him nothing. He owes you the world.

He'll be over you in a flash simply because he doesn't love you. He only loves being in control of someone, and that someone just happens to be you. Please take our advice, but more so your mums advice and even your own, by acting on what you admit you know is right deep down.

You'll be surprised to see that you are not his world from how quickly he moves on, after which you will wonder why you gave in to him for so long.

I know it's hard, but you will be thankful for it very soon.

You and I have been in very similar situations, except I have children and if anything your situation is worse than mine was. I understand the guilt, the not wanting to hurt them, the 'but I'm his world' but it is no life, it is surviving. I left. It wasn't easy and took a long time but I realise that in his mind it may be love but it is really control, abuse. I still have to have contact due to children. I had the threats to kill himself etc. it's just another attempt to reel you back, really, and if he did do it that would be his choice. He currently flips between nice and nasty and I'm too scared to start anything new as it will set him off BUT my life is so much better than it was, really, I feel I have a chance to be me again. You sound like a lovely, intelligent lady. It is ok to be scared but you deserve to be you

hi chemist, if ur planning to leave, dont change ur behaviour as he will smell a rat. his reactions could become more extreme. this is the most dangerous time for u. he doesnt love u, ur an object he needs to control. my ex used to do the same stuff as urs.

But you are hurting yourself by staying with him, chemist.

Since you care so much about not hurting people, can you please try and see how you are the person you are supposed to take care of the most in this world?

Don't harm yourself any further by staying with a man who treats you so poorly. You do not deserve such harm.

OP, everyone else has said things so much better than I can. I hope you're safe and find a way out soon. So many people must be waiting and hoping to see the "old you" that your mum and friends remember.

They all know. Even if they don't dare say it to you, deep down they know at least part of what you are going through.

Think how great it will be to go see your friends, the people who really love you for being YOU, without his controlling, oppressive presence affecting every meeting.

Think how great it will be to see your mum whenever you want and tell her what ever you like.

You can go where you want, see who you want, work where you want, and say what you want. You can be the life and soul again.

As for him, he is also an adult. When you leave, he can CHOOSE to cry and be miserable. (Most of this will be feeling sorry for himself at having to be an independant adult for the first time.) Or if he chooses, he can learn from the experience and become a better man. Don't kid yourself that what happens to him is YOUR responsibility. He is an adult and can choose how he responds to the situation. He must take responsibility for his own life. He is not your child and you are not his mother.

Hi Chemist, just to add my voice to the ever growing "petition" really, or is it more like the voice of reason?......I wholeheartedly agree with everything already said.

Just a question, if he doesn't work, does he ever leave the house without you? Does he have any kind of life outside of the house and friends he sees on his own? I wonder how his friends view him.

Reason I'm asking is that, could you not collect your things and leave when he's out? If he's always in when you're in, is it possible to ask a male friend, relative or colleague to be with you while you pack some things? He's not going to start any trouble if there's another bloke present hopefully, especially if it's someone bigger than him! Then go to your mam's or a mate's?

Thank God you have no kids as you can well and truly cut all ties with this idiot and never have to see him again. I can tell how much he's eroded your self-respect/confidence/esteem/worth. It's horrific, and friends and family must surely have noticed drastic changes in your behaviour and will be so concerned for your welfare. Did they all know about the suicide attempt and the reason behind it?

I really hope you find the strength to leave, like you said you would. God, where did you meet this loser? He's utterly toxic to you.

Sending you best wishes and all of my support. You really are stronger than you think. I think you'll surprise yourself.

Thank you all again for your kind messages. I have been ill this week with a cold/flu.

Yes he does go out on his own to see friends or old work colleagues. He now has a job so it would be easier to leave whilst he is in work. It is just so hard.

I remember full well, from when I was in previous abusive relationships. I remember good friends telling me to go and all the rationale etc etc, they would talk sense and the weird thing was, they were saying the exact same things I would have said to somebody in my predicament.

It was like having an out of body experience where you take leave of your senses. I totally knew what they were saying was spot on, but because they weren't in my shoes, and weren't emotionally involved either, I felt it was just so chuffing hard to actually DO anything. I was scared, brain-washed and, ashamedly, I felt I still loved them and that they could perhaps change if I tried just that little bit harder.......

God, in hindsight it was all a facade of BS and I was totally on a hiding to nowhere. Sometimes they act all devoted and tell you how they love you but it's like they're psychotic/sociopaths etc and they drag you down into their warped reality so that you normalize, therefore condoning ( and consenting, unwittingly ) to this nonsense. Others can see the changes in you but you aren't aware of it yourself because they are slowly and subtly grooming you and changing your personality until you're a shadow of your former self.

They are NOT clever, but they are subtle and highly manipulative. It's like they have a 6th sense for girls who are not very sure of themselves, have low self - esteem etc. But this is where you have the advantage so use it.....

Because he will not expect you leaving if you've not changed your behaviour and deviated from his script. And once you have got to a safe place and put distance between you both, you can start to detox from this awful man and start to see things more objectively, and then it really will dawn on you....what you put up with and what you have escaped.

We can all tell you the obvious, Chemist, until the cows come home, but we also understand that actually DOING it is what it boils down to. Your priority is yourself and your safety so put some distance between you and him and change your contact details, get legal advice etc, i.e injunction, if it comes to that. But MOVE and distance yourself first and foremost. Be amongst people who GENUINELY care about your welfare. Gain strength from those that care most about you. They are your defence.

And remember, what is the worst that will happen when you split with him? Nobody is going to die just because we recognise we've wasted a good chunk of our lives on an arsehole and decided to ditch him like the dead wood he is. He is a cancer to you and no good will come of it if you stay. He is an adult and is more than capable of fending for himself. You are not his guardian and he is not your keeper!

Hope you recover soon and recommence your mission. Keep posting for support and empathy. You are not alone.

What a great post chimi. Get your physical strength up Chemist, and make plans. You are not having to deal with DC, this is two adults who are splitting from a relationship. Find that safe place (your Mum's?) and just go. He cannot harrass you because as Chimi says, you can get an injunction out on him.

That step will be the start of the rest of your life... you can reclaim the old Chemist and and start shedding the years of abuse you have suffered... keep posting when you can.

Hello all. I know I have been away but I wanted to let you know I am moving into my own place next weekend. Thank you all who supported me. Sorry for being MIA. x