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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Controlling/abusive behaviour

169 replies

chemistc · 17/12/2014 23:21

Hi,

Just wanted to get some objective opinions on my relationship with my husband. A bit of background - we have been together 10 years, married for four. He is a very strong character and often talks about himself as 'the name', he is non-compromising and is very self-assured, confident.

We had a LDR and despite us only dating for 6 months he had the phone numbers of my close work colleagues/friends. I was teaching so always had my phone on silent. If I didn't reply to a text or answer a call he would call my friends to see if I was with them and check I was ok.

I wont catalog every incident as I fear it would become war and peace, only the incidents that have really made me doubt things.

The second major concern was during an argument we had where I swore at him and he grabbed me by the throat and told me to never swear at him again. This is the only time he has been physically abusive.

Then there is not letting me socialise with friends on my own. There was this one awful occasion where I had a reunion with 5 gf's from Uni and he came along. I felt so humiliated like I was a child not allowed out on my own. Not being willing to see my family as they live too far away and he gets too tired with all the travelling.

During my PhD if I needed to work late in the lab or at the weekend, he would come with me, this made me feel like shit because I felt so guilty about having to work on my PhD outside of his 9-5pm hrs.

The latest big thing was him not allowing me to take a job I really wanted as he was not willing to relocate despite not having a job himself.

There is a whole more examples I could write here, including me trying to commit suicide knowing that there is no way out, being in counselling, going to RELATE and being in contact with LWA.

I don't know what I am asking for..... this recent thing has perhaps opened my eyes to how selfish he is.

OP posts:
trackrBird · 21/12/2014 19:07

Posters on this thread understand, chemistc.
Keep safe
Flowers

Roussette · 21/12/2014 19:24

chemistc quite understand if you can't respond, it must be so difficult for you. There are people here behind you and willing you on. Flowers

Just don't take any risks.

Original poster
chemistc · 21/12/2014 19:27

I have decided I am going to leave him in jan 2015. I don't care what people think of me. I am done.

OP posts:
EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh · 21/12/2014 19:32

We are here

Roussette · 21/12/2014 19:32

Well done chemist. Just keep your plans to yourself, be careful who you trust. You don't have children with him, you have a chance to start your life again and what a life it will be - free of treading on eggshells, free from scrutiny and criticism, free to be yourself.

I think of my friend who walked out of similar with just the clothes on her back. She said that she didn't care about furniture, clothes, bits and pieces. She only wanted some photographs and one of her DC sneaked into the house and got her some when her then partner was at work. She said she had never felt freer, it was a black cloud that was gone and she could then work on herself and her self esteem. She is so happy now.

Brodicea · 21/12/2014 19:42

I'm so sorry to read about your relationship chemistc. Many wise MNers have pretty much said it all: you know this is not OK, that's why it's wearing you down and sapping the life from you. Just think, this is your one and only life. Do you really want to spend it as a prisoner, just to avoid hurting someone incapable of love? Is it enough that you feel so needed? It looks like you are taking steps to find a way out of this. I hope you find the strength to take those paths which are open to you, please keep safe and look after yourself.

Brodicea · 21/12/2014 19:42

oo X-post (drafted before dinner and sent after)!

You are so strong - I will be rooting for you!

Jackiebrambles · 21/12/2014 20:11

Excellent news op! Use this festive period to plan what you are going to take and your exit strategy.

Trust me, you might think people don't know what he's like but they do. Your mum said you used to be the life and soul, and I'm sure as he's isolated you from your friends they've got a good idea too.

They'll be pleased you are free of him!

Post when you can, we are behind you.

DeriArms · 21/12/2014 20:24

I know you mentioned up thread that you are careful online - but please now be extra, extra careful. I have found some of your posts thoroughly chilling. Don you have anyone you trust at work who can help you organise things or have a plan B in place in case it's not as straightforward as you thought?
I was so pleased to read of your decision a couple of posts back. Your life will be so much better. He is responsible for his own life, not you. Take good care of yourself.

Bogeyface · 21/12/2014 21:23

If you are on a pc or laptop then go to the start menu, click All Programs, the Accesories, then Ease of Access then Onscreen keyboard.

It takes ages to post anything but the point is, if he has installed a key logger then it cant log what you have typed.
However...... I wonder if he has remote access as it seems odd that you keep losing your posts.

If you have a smart phone I would suggest you use that to post on here, and use your mobile internet rather than the house router as it is possible to get info on websites etc via that is someone is techie enough to use Youtube and follow simple instructions.

If in any doubt, dont post anywhere about your situation but please know that even if you dont post, we are here for you whenever you need us, and we are thinking about you and wishing you strength.

Take care, above all else, take care xxx

Bogeyface · 21/12/2014 21:31

I also second having a plan B and confiding in someone that could help.

Between now and when you leave gather all your important docs, passport, birth cert, bank cards if you have them.

Also, bank account....if you are working then make sure that your wages are paid somewhere that you can keep them safe, if you only have a joint account then I would recommend you talk to HR about your situation (they have to keep it confidential) and ask if they can pay you in a different way until you are safe. They may be able to pay into a relative or friends account for a month until you have your own account (AFTER YOU ARE SAFE, opening one before then will alert him as the post will come to your house).

It will be worth talking to them about it anyway as this is a very stressful and scarey time for you and its better if they are on your side with the full facts rather than disciplining you for poor performance (for example.)

This is the most dangerous time for an abused woman. If they sense you are breaking free then that is when they are at their most dangerous, they have nothing to lose, so if you think that he has picked up on anything, back down, play nice, do as he says. Dont get a smart mouth because you can smell your freedom, you will want to tell him to fuck the fuck off but please dont. As I say, play along and do what you would always do.

DPotter · 21/12/2014 21:32

I think you will find that people in RL will cheer from the rafters when you do leave !

ouryve · 21/12/2014 23:31

Crying is crying. It's a very childish reaction to someone going out for a couple of hours.

Actors in films cry, when they're only pretending to be upset.

Back to the childish reaction, many toddlers get over separation anxiety when you go away for a bit and nothing bad happens to them.

Your partner has a few years on your average partner, though. It's infinitely more likely that his are crocodile tears, designed to manipulate.

ouryve · 21/12/2014 23:32

your average toddler.Blush

ouryve · 21/12/2014 23:46

Ending up taking him with you is somewhere that I've been :(

For me, this was before mobile phone days. I grew wise to the manipulation and ended up calling him after an hour or more with friends, saying something along the lines of "I'm in the pub, I should be home in an hour or so".

My ex didn't spontaneously combust or become so overcome with loneliness that he required an ambulance when I did that, oddly enough.

I did get home a couple of times to find him doing something ridiculous like sitting on the banisters, muttering about jumping but, oddly enough, all I could find in myself was to tell him to get real and please don't break the stairs because it would be a nuisance. (I knew he wouldn't do it). He was nowhere near as bad as your partner, but was still always ready with his foot sticking out to trip me up and try to keep me bound to him.

Honestly, you don't need to ask permission to go out. Unless you already had firm plans, no notice is fine, since you have no kids.

How is his relationship with other female members of his family, btw? The thing that really cemented my loss of respect for my ex was the way he treated his own mother. He was constantly blaming her for things that should not have mattered to a man in his late 30s.

ouryve · 21/12/2014 23:53

And glad you're leaving.

I stashed stuff at work, with friends and all sorts - all over the place. organised myself somewhere to rent, and then, when the time was right, shoved everything that mattered into a couple of friends cars and legged it, after work.

We joint owned a house, but had made such a tiny dent in the mortgage and he had such ridiculous debts in his name that I walked away and just asked for enough to cover getting re-established. Like other mentioned upthread, I've downsized in property, but my life is vastly different to what it was back then.

You're working on a shorter timescale than I did, but I bet your family would be falling over themselves to help you get out of there.

Original poster
chemistc · 21/12/2014 23:55

His mother is very manipulative, I am not sure to the extent but I believe she was abused by her father. My husband says that when he was little he used to sit on the stairs waiting for her to come home from work and cry if she was late home.

OP posts:
Roussette · 22/12/2014 08:46

Well chemist he obviously has issues but really they are not your problem, he is the one that needs to sort out that and mentally abusing you is no answer. He is using you as a crutch to make himself feel better - the more he can control you, the better he feels.

Do hope you slept OK. Have all your plans in your head and visit them and add to them when he is being an arse.. the plans will be some sort of comfort to you, I hope.

AskBasil4StuffingRecipe · 22/12/2014 09:07

Oh god these men really get into your head, the crying, the dependence, the appeal to our caring instincts, guilt and sense of responsibility which they cunningly get us to focus all on them - when you are free of it, you will actually feel as if you've put down a very heavy weight which has been crushing you. Honestly, I can feel the weight of him across the interweb. Who cares if his mother was horrible, you weren't put on Earth to alleviate the pain of some random bloke who can't take enough responsibility for his own life to ensure he sorts his childhood issues out without abusing someone else. You have your own life to live and you have the right to live it. You can't live it with him because he won't let you breathe.

Lovingfreedom · 22/12/2014 10:33

Chemist, this can happen to anyone. You are a strong, capable, self sufficient woman and you are doing well to hold down a job and keep going with this home life. I was married to a controlling man who also didn't work. Although not as extreme as you described, I recognise a lot of the same control and 'concerns', the difficult childhood he still hasn't seemed to deal with and the loyalty you describe to his happiness. I had a few individual therapy sessions to help me to decide whether to stay or go. They were tremendously helpful to me.

Also, by happenchance, I blurted out my 'story' to a very senior member of staff at work. To my surprise she said 'ah...yes I had one of those' and proceeded to tell me about her first husband. We have never mentioned the conversation again but it was so useful to know that it can happen to a smart, successful, capable woman and that it is possible to get out and move on.

My ex cried, threatened suicide, pleaded that he would change, agreed to therapy but ultimately all those words were empty. He has now found a new woman with a good job and although I keep out of it, from what I see appears to be treating her in much the same way, cutting her off from friends, changing the way she dresses....

You are in a good position if you are the main earner. Once you give yourself permission to make your own choices and decisions then you can take control of what happens next in your own life. Good luck. You can do it. Xxx

clam · 22/12/2014 18:37

How did he behave yesterday at the drinks do?

Original poster
chemistc · 22/12/2014 18:56

he was ok, he made some small talk. It was awkward as he didn't really know anyone so the conversation was quite stunted at times. Nobody else had their partner with them. Even though whose partners were in the same department just not part of our group.

OP posts:
Roussette · 23/12/2014 08:48

I bet it was awkward. He shouldn't have been there. Keep working on your plans for the New Year. You can do it.

Original poster
chemistc · 30/12/2014 21:57

So my mum asked about my friend and I mentioned that I was thinking of going to see her either on the 2nd/3rd of Jan. This did not go down well, I told him I didn't say anything as my friend had not confirmed. But anyway I am paying the price

OP posts:
trackrBird · 31/12/2014 01:59

Paying the price sounds bad, chemistc :(

I hope you are still focused on your exit plan.