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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Controlling/abusive behaviour

169 replies

chemistc · 17/12/2014 23:21

Hi,

Just wanted to get some objective opinions on my relationship with my husband. A bit of background - we have been together 10 years, married for four. He is a very strong character and often talks about himself as 'the name', he is non-compromising and is very self-assured, confident.

We had a LDR and despite us only dating for 6 months he had the phone numbers of my close work colleagues/friends. I was teaching so always had my phone on silent. If I didn't reply to a text or answer a call he would call my friends to see if I was with them and check I was ok.

I wont catalog every incident as I fear it would become war and peace, only the incidents that have really made me doubt things.

The second major concern was during an argument we had where I swore at him and he grabbed me by the throat and told me to never swear at him again. This is the only time he has been physically abusive.

Then there is not letting me socialise with friends on my own. There was this one awful occasion where I had a reunion with 5 gf's from Uni and he came along. I felt so humiliated like I was a child not allowed out on my own. Not being willing to see my family as they live too far away and he gets too tired with all the travelling.

During my PhD if I needed to work late in the lab or at the weekend, he would come with me, this made me feel like shit because I felt so guilty about having to work on my PhD outside of his 9-5pm hrs.

The latest big thing was him not allowing me to take a job I really wanted as he was not willing to relocate despite not having a job himself.

There is a whole more examples I could write here, including me trying to commit suicide knowing that there is no way out, being in counselling, going to RELATE and being in contact with LWA.

I don't know what I am asking for..... this recent thing has perhaps opened my eyes to how selfish he is.

OP posts:
IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 19/12/2014 00:02

I should have made it clear that the mistake I made was to tell him that I was leaving.

Had I known better at the time I would have packed a bag or two and left while he was out. That is what I would strongly advise you to do chemistc.

CocktailQueen · 19/12/2014 00:04

So if you would not put anyone else through it, then why put yourself through it? You are just as valuable and worthwhile!

Leave him and now. This is a completely horrifying thread. You do realise that in normal relationships people are fee to come and go as they pease, and don't have to ask permission to see family or friends or get their hair done? Your h sounds terrifying. Please leave him.

Original poster
chemistc · 19/12/2014 00:04

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has replied. I really do appreciate it and have taken on board all the suggestions and advice. In all honesty with Christmas coming up etc I cant see me making an exit before the new year. There is just too much going on and not enough time.

OP posts:
bunchoffives · 19/12/2014 00:05

You are an intelligent woman who should be listened to and valued for who you are in your own right, not as an appendage or shadow of him

You may justify to yourself that these 'incidents' are not regular and the good outweighs the bad, but he will wear you down and chip away at your self-confidence to the point where you will want to attempt suicide again.

Your relationship is like a bucket with a hole in, no matter how much your confidence and esteem at work fills that bucket, it leaks out to nothing as soon as you go home to him.

There is only one way to survive an abusive relationship - and that is by ending it.

dadwood · 19/12/2014 00:08

Sorry if I seemed like I was shouting at you with my terse comments.

Original poster
chemistc · 19/12/2014 00:12

Sorry stepped into my programmed polite response mode then.

I have to go to bed. IthoughtATMwasacashpoint - I don't know. I would feel bad about him having to go through my stuff? though maybe he would just take a pair of scissor to it all. That would hurt him terribly, the house, the furniture we chose together, my clothes, photos etc. Though when I spoke to WA they said they can send a removal truck to help you pack up everything whilst the OH is in work. That might be an option.

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 19/12/2014 00:17

Chemistc, I am so sorry you are having to live like this, and I wish for you the strength to move on to the life you know you deserve.

Tabithatwit · 19/12/2014 01:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

stargirl04 · 19/12/2014 02:18

Tabithatwit... What planet are you on? Are you a troll? Your remarks are highly offensive. What a horrible thing to post to a woman who is in fear for her life.

peachgirl · 19/12/2014 08:15

It must be so easy to make judgements like that from up there on your high horse Tabithatwit. Your comment was both cruel and unnecessary and I hope you feel thoroughly ashamed of yourself.

OP, you have received some excellent advice on this thread, and I really hope it helps you. I don't know how to express this without it sounding like I'm telling you what to do, but please, please do listen and take note of what PPs have said. I had a friend in a similar situation to you and, thank goodness, she got out of it before he killed her.

I do want to reiterate again that a loving relationship is nothing like this. He has you perfectly trained; from requesting permission (which isn't at all normal!), to the guilt you feel at the thought of leaving him. You're obviously very intelligent so this isn't a snark at you, only an observation of what a sly and clever manipulator he is. It was exactly the same with my friend's exP. He was a master manipulator and it took her months to break free of him because of the crushing guilt she felt and all the emotional tricks he pulled trying to force her back into the relationship. Eventually, what truly ended it for her, was when he followed her to my flat one night and spent hours trying to find its exact location (he was going round and round a few streets), texting her and calling her multiple times begging her to see him, because he knew she was inside and it was driving him crazy not being able to control her enough to force the location out of her. (I absolutely didn't want him to know where I lived!!) Eventually it ended in yelling and threats, both to her and to me. That situation was what opened her eyes to his psychosis (I truly believe that's what it was, and I'd been trying to convince her for months that something wasn't right with him). He was very frightening.

Above all, please remember that all of this stems from his own inadequacies, and you've done nothing to deserve any of it. You say your actions will hurt him but clearly he doesn't give the same consideration to you, and you've been trained to accept this. I'm so glad you've come on here and expressed your doubts. It's the first step!

FunkyBoldRibena · 19/12/2014 08:16

Just wanted to get some objective opinions on my relationship with my husband.

He has controlled you from the start. He needs you to think that he can't exist without you because he has spent a long time indoctrinating you to be his wifey. And he would have to start again if you left and that's such a pain.

The best time to go will be at Christmas when alot is going on. The best present you can give yourself is packing your stuff [remember passport and other important paperwork if you can but if not, you can get replacements] into your car the first moment you can and getting the fuck away from this man.

FunkyBoldRibena · 19/12/2014 08:20

As a bit of perspective, if I want to go see a friend I just go and I text my partner [been together the same amount of time - 10 years] and say 'I'm seeing X for lunch/dinner, be back at y o'clock. If I want my hair done I do it. If I want to see the family I say 'shall we go on x-day' and if he hasn't already got plans then we go. If he has I go on my own.

He is not perfect, nobody is. But there are plenty of men out there that are not abusive bastards.

bibliomania · 19/12/2014 10:57

Why do you think he matters more than you?

Destinycalls · 19/12/2014 10:57

Please don't tell him you are leaving. I am sure WA have discussed with you how dangerous your situation is with such extreme control as this. Don't ever be alone with him after you have left or allow him into your new home. I have never read on here anything that so clearly follows a pattern of abuse which might end in violence. I worked in a hospital where a woman was murdered by her ex boyfriend as she left her car to go to work. I actually knew this girl in passing. Her relationship was very similar to yours.

Destinycalls · 19/12/2014 10:58

He has been physically violent to you once and you didn't leave. He now has the green light to do the same thing again and escalate it.

Fluffybrain · 19/12/2014 11:49

Chemistc - you say it would hurt him terribly to have your things around him, clothes furniture etc. I don't think it would hurt him. This kind of man is not capable of being hurt because they can't love. He will be incredibly angry because he will have lost control of you. Control is All he wants. He may pretend he is hurt to manipulate you in to returning but he won't really be. It might help you read a book on this type of man and how they think and why they control and abuse. I read Lundy Bancroft, Why does he do that? Or do the freedom programme online like someone else said. Basically, in a healthy relationship when a partner gets a job we are pleased for them and get a kick out of something good happening for them. An abusive partner gets a kick out of getting you to turn the job down because it makes them feel powerful that they have that degree of control over you. Normal people say and do nice things for their partner because it makes them feel good. Abusive partners say and do nasty things to their partner because it makes them feel good. They make a terrible choice. They believe they own you, have the right to control you, enjoy hurting you, either emotionally, physically or financially. They are totally wrong. You are in control. Leave.

MoRaw · 19/12/2014 11:59

You must leave this situation. You believing that you are responsible for his happiness is yet another control mechanism he has effectively put in place.

You tried committing suicide, you feel trapped and hopeless. You also say this man does not love you and does not even have any sexual interest in you. Yet he has made you believe that you control his happiness. You must leave otherwise you will live and die this way. Either by your hands or his.

I wish I were your friend. I would beat the hell out of his. This is how angry I feel reading this terribly heartbreaking account of your life.

Chillyegg · 19/12/2014 12:33

Oh dear darling a hug and a Flowers from me! I can't imagine how confused and drained you must feel!
You sound like a very clever articulate women who has got so much going for her! And the reason why your h is so controlling is because deep down he knows he isn't worth you hence why he acts so controlling and terribly! But he's proving to you and all of us that he definitely isn't worth you, he's acting cruelly! He sounds domineering violent and a general knob!! You dont need or deserve any of it!
I'd put money on you probably being more successful and generally happy after leaving this guy!

Why not just go to your mums get your bag and money and drive there!
Your an adult and you can do what you want!
Xx

AskBasil4StuffingRecipe · 19/12/2014 13:05

"I would never allow another person to live through what I do. I can only imagine it would be ten times worse with his child. I could not put anyone through that."

But you would put yourself through it? Because you don't deserve what you know a child would or anyone else would? You too, don't deserve this, you deserve a life without this abuser in it and you know you can have that with Women's Aid's help.

Good luck with leaving him, you know you have to to get your life back. He's responsible for his own life, don't give him a backwards glance. Get out while you can. Flowers

Roussette · 19/12/2014 13:07

This has shocked me. chemistc you sound like a wonderful, intelligent, rational woman and you are totally ground down with the manipulating behaviour of your OH.

Sometimes it just takes one phrase, one bolt out the blue statement to weigh on someone's mind and make you realise that this is not right. I am hoping that something someone has said here will be that epiphany. I think you know deep down that none of this is right but you have to come to this realisation more and more in your own time.

You have no DC's, you could walk away tomorrow with the clothes on your back and you could be FREE for the rest of your life.

I know someone in a similar situation and she did just that. Yes, she left everything, yes she is not rolling in money, but my god does she have a free and fun life. She lives in a dear little flat, she has set up a small business that pays her way and she enjoys her life. That is what I am hoping for you.

Roussette · 19/12/2014 13:16

p.s. Can I also suggest you delete all your internet history. And be careful who you tell about your plans. You don't want it getting back to him.

Just think - making a small step could mean that tomorrow is the start of your new life, and what a worthwhile and happy life it will be.

Original poster
chemistc · 19/12/2014 21:35

Once again I thank you all for your responses, I hope those who do reply appreciate that I usually only have a small window within in which I can reply. I am very safe with what I post on here. I use incognito and erase my cookies.

I think I know that he doesn't care about my feelings and that he only cares about himself. It is just when I tell him I want to leave he falls to my feet and hugs my ankles and begs me not to.

OP posts:
Original poster
chemistc · 19/12/2014 21:44

FunkyBoldRibena - If I say 'can I go and see my parents on xx?' he will usually say yeah ok, but when it comes closer to the day find a way to get out of it.

OP posts:
AskBasil4StuffingRecipe · 19/12/2014 22:41

" It is just when I tell him I want to leave he falls to my feet and hugs my ankles and begs me not to."

Yes because that is his current strategy to keep you. He knows you'll feel guilty, doubt yourself and stay.

And then things can carry on the way they are.

That's why he does that. He doesn't do it for a good reason.

AskBasil4StuffingRecipe · 19/12/2014 22:42

Next time he does it, look at him and remind yourself that this is a control strategy. If it doesn't work, he'll try another one.

That's all it is. It isn't an expression of contrition or love. It's a control strategy. Think that next time he does it and it won't have nearly such a powerful effect on you.