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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Controlling/abusive behaviour

169 replies

chemistc · 17/12/2014 23:21

Hi,

Just wanted to get some objective opinions on my relationship with my husband. A bit of background - we have been together 10 years, married for four. He is a very strong character and often talks about himself as 'the name', he is non-compromising and is very self-assured, confident.

We had a LDR and despite us only dating for 6 months he had the phone numbers of my close work colleagues/friends. I was teaching so always had my phone on silent. If I didn't reply to a text or answer a call he would call my friends to see if I was with them and check I was ok.

I wont catalog every incident as I fear it would become war and peace, only the incidents that have really made me doubt things.

The second major concern was during an argument we had where I swore at him and he grabbed me by the throat and told me to never swear at him again. This is the only time he has been physically abusive.

Then there is not letting me socialise with friends on my own. There was this one awful occasion where I had a reunion with 5 gf's from Uni and he came along. I felt so humiliated like I was a child not allowed out on my own. Not being willing to see my family as they live too far away and he gets too tired with all the travelling.

During my PhD if I needed to work late in the lab or at the weekend, he would come with me, this made me feel like shit because I felt so guilty about having to work on my PhD outside of his 9-5pm hrs.

The latest big thing was him not allowing me to take a job I really wanted as he was not willing to relocate despite not having a job himself.

There is a whole more examples I could write here, including me trying to commit suicide knowing that there is no way out, being in counselling, going to RELATE and being in contact with LWA.

I don't know what I am asking for..... this recent thing has perhaps opened my eyes to how selfish he is.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 19/12/2014 23:30

- If I say 'can I go and see my parents on xx?' he will usually say yeah ok, but when it comes closer to the day find a way to get out of it.

Yes, but you should not have to ask in the first place.

Do not tell him you want to leave. Just leave, whenever you can.

Original poster
chemistc · 21/12/2014 13:24

Well I am supposed to be meeting some old friends for a Christmas drink this afternoon but he got in a mood with me because I only told him about it this morning and he said I hadn't given him enough notice. He now has a headache and says he doesn't want to be alone at a Christmas time. So I guess I won't be going. How much notice is acceptable do you think?

OP posts:
clam · 21/12/2014 13:49

How much notice?
Why the f* does he need any notice?

This is the most worrying and depressing thread I've read on here in a long time, and there's been some competition.

Please pack a bag and go to your mum's. Now.

mylifeisgood · 21/12/2014 14:07

So what happens if you just go? Tell him to take some ibuprofen, pass him the TV guide, and go out the door. What will he be like?

This is appalling to read.

Original poster
chemistc · 21/12/2014 14:26

I don't know he will probably just start crying

OP posts:
trackrBird · 21/12/2014 14:29

What does he need notice for?

Notice for deciding which strategy to use to prevent you going?

Because that's what he's doing. He has conjured up a headache and a childish guilt trip about 'being alone at Christmas time'. It didn't take him long.

How do you feel about the thought of packing and leaving?

Roussette · 21/12/2014 14:30

So glad you came back chemist. So, he will cry? Let him. Be pleasant but firm and as mylife says, pass him an ibuprofen and get him a quilt so he can lie o ut on the sofa. It's appalling that he blackmails you into not doing things. He has no right. We are each responsible for ourselves and no one else as adults.

HansieLove · 21/12/2014 14:33

Please go and enjoy time with your friends! Please don't let him manipulate you again!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 21/12/2014 14:34

This controlling and deeply inadequate man has had ten long years to groom and programme you. He's managed to brainwash you into believing that you can't do anything without his say-so. That you are his puppet rather than an independent and autonomous adult whose only function in life is to make him happy completely at the expense of your own.

You know in your heart that an adult, any adult, should not need another's permission to do anything or to go anywhere, that a normal well-functioning person does not require any set amount of notice. What do you think? That if you'd asked him a fortnight ago and been granted his permission that he wouldn't have invented this bogus "headache" in an attempt to make you not go?

This man has completely eroded your sense of autonomy, your sense of responsibility to yourself and your own happiness. He's a master manipulator and is very dangerous to your feelings of self-worth and confidence.

When dealing with a normal person 'd be minded to tell him that you really are going out this afternoon, whether he gives you permission or not. But given what you have described of him so far I fear that taking such a position would put you in the most terrible physical danger.

Roussette · 21/12/2014 14:39

As far as how much notice... sometimes none is OK! It's not as if you're leaving him to look after kids or he has to cancel something... so I would say in this instance, no notice is quite acceptable.

As for him not wanting to be on his own at Christmas... well, you want to see old friends at Christmas and why shouldn't you? Why should you miss out - he is trying every trick in the book to stop you having a life. Normal loving partners encourage each other to enjoy themselves. I would be saying to my DH 'go and have a great time and do you want a drink, if so I will pick you up if you like'. That's normal.

Smudgeandpudge · 21/12/2014 14:41

Hi OP, I once had a controlling boyfriend (though not a fraction as bad as your OH) and I stayed with him for far too long because of guilt and my fear I'd destroy his life if I left. Once I did leave, he was fine, because I was only really a pet to him anyway. And I was more than fine. Six months later I met someone brilliant and I shudder to think what a half life I would be living now if I'd stayed. And my ex wasn't even that bad! Please leave. You don't deserve to live like this.

clam · 21/12/2014 14:43

Of course, what he might do, is to be so upset at being "alone at Christmas" (how old is he, by the way?), that he'll have to amuse himself by coming along with you. And you therefore not being able to speak, as happens at your parents'.

Original poster
chemistc · 21/12/2014 15:05

He is coming with me. He is 37. At least I don't have to let people down. He hates the pub and the people so will probably moan the whole time!

OP posts:
Original poster
chemistc · 21/12/2014 15:12

I'm going out now for a bit, thank you for your replies again..I really do appreciate you taking the time to read and respond

OP posts:
clam · 21/12/2014 15:13
Shock I don't suppose you said to him, "If you come, then you paste on a smile, please, and be charming, otherwise it's the last time I take you anywhere," like you might say to a child.
petalsandstars · 21/12/2014 15:21

And? He's a grown man. Seriously ltb and quickly before he ends up Shutting you down completely or killing you if you disagree with him

Star8369 · 21/12/2014 15:22

why do you have to take him with you?

clam · 21/12/2014 15:30

I presume because otherwise she's "not allowed" to go.

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh · 21/12/2014 15:35

What happens if he cries? What will that do to you?
I appreciate that it will make you feel horrible, and that you will sit through your drinks feeling anxious and distracted, but I think you should do it anyway. That way you can see that his control tactics are just hot air and rely on you giving in because you can't stand how he makes you feel.
You need to start disengaging from feeling what he wants you to feel. He expects you to feel guilty, he knows that you can't stand that feeling, so you do as he says. You don't have to feel guilty and you can work on stopping yourself from feeling it.

dadwood · 21/12/2014 15:37

Hi chemistc

I think of people who are in a relationship with an abuser as whole people in a situation which is unhealthy, and provided that they leave early enough, that is, and recalibrate their twat-radar, they can have non-abusive relationships without deep change.

The abuser on the other hand is not a whole person in the same way and can only feel comfortable as a part of an unhealthy relationship. IMO they should not be in any relationship until they have learned the skill to rely on themselves for their day to day needs and their psychological needs such as their self esteem.

I know it's easy to say, but the best thing you can do for such a person is to leave them and give them a chance to change. They probably won't of course, but they definitely won't while they are in the dysfunctional relationship where they are forcing their need for control to be met.
So if you are in any way inclined to be merciful to him, leaving him is for his own good long term.

Sorry for the short replies a few days ago. The reason I did that is that that is the style which has the most helpful for my friend in the similar situation, it works for a for a few days anyway each time she leaves. I can see that you think differently from her and prefer this kind of conversation.

HansieLove · 21/12/2014 16:06

How did the conversation go which results in him coming with you?

He is such a yoke on your neck. Think how light and free you would be without him. You could do what you want, when you want.

Jackiebrambles · 21/12/2014 16:25

I'm glad you get to see some friends at least, hope you were able to enjoy it op.

I feel so sad for you in this situation. I'm disgusted at your husband.

Please make a plan to get out, your life could be amazing without this excuse for a human being controlling your every move.

Roussette · 21/12/2014 17:04

If he were ill like he said, he wouldn't want to go our with you and your old friends (but you probably know that already....) Won't they think it's odd that he's there?

I am sad for you too - this man is supposed to be a partner not a parent that you have to gain approval from. Even parents don't expect that ... they give unconditional love .

He has ground you down so much but you can break free because it's only going to get worse as he realises his hold on you wasn't as tight as he thought.

I would have no respect for a man who fell to his feet and hugged my ankles. Seriously, no respect whatsoever. I imagine you have to plan every little thing you plan to say to him. This is not normal. Spontaneity is what is normal - just wittering away about any old thing to a partner. Not having conversations controlled or everything you say dissected.

I had a short but toxic relationship with someone like this a long time ago when my life was in turmoil. He picked up on my vulnerability and pursued me. Everything I said was checked, double checked, questioned and pulled apart. It is no way to live, my life was under constant scrutiny. It was a long time ago but what a lesson I learnt from it. I am a different person now. Some people seem capable of casting a spell on others and I think this is what your partner has done. You CAN break free.

Original poster
chemistc · 21/12/2014 18:59

I have written a response but it always gets lost. He always watches me and often after I type I lose the message

OP posts:
Original poster
chemistc · 21/12/2014 19:00

I do read but I can't always respond sorry

OP posts:
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